:)

Minutes keep ticking by
Less than 2 days
Before it is a goodbye to 2006

Long weekend is here to stay
Celebration mood is in the air
2007 is close on the heels

Thanks for being around this year
Cos of your generous love, care and concern
Thus I am where I am today

Words I may not be good at
Expressions may be subtle too
Appreciation is heart felt though

May things be bright and rosy
For each of us
In the new year…
:)

A Slave to Technology

I certainly realised that I am a slave to the digital world. Due to the Taiwan earthquake that damaged the vulnerable undersea cable, I was unable to access to the internet for the past 2 days. I did my previous blog entry 3 days ago, only to realise that I could not log on to blog it! It was only today that I finally could log in to post it up.. Gosh..

With no net to surf, no email to check, or msn to chit chat, I seem so handicapped and bored... Such dependency on technology.... It is such a pity that the office email is still working, otherwise, at least, I did not need to work (so hard...) for the past 2 days. :P

Guess it is really hard to go back to using primitive methods all over again when I am so used to all these. Not to say I cannot, but is there a need to when obviously there is a more efficient and effective way of accessing to information, getting work done and getting entertainment?

Hmm, if there comes a day where there is no internet, no mobile communications, or worse still, no radio, no music, no TV, I wonder I will bore myself to death or not.

Hopeless, I indeed am... :P

Possessive...

The definition of Possessive according to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary: the desire to own or dominate.

It is human being’s nature to desire owning the things we like, be it an item or a person, isn’t it? If not, then perhaps that item is not important to us at all?

However, this possessiveness is very delicate, especially in a relationship of any sort. How much is enough? How much breathing space is good? How much freedom is desirable? Asking too much, caring too excessively, wanting too much time together and it becomes suffocating and growth impeding. The other party then starts to resist all these so-called love and concern. Yet, if you do not show enough TLC, you end up with feedbacks that you do not care or you get questioned of their importance and place in your heart.

Some people need more space than others; some love to stick together… This is a scale, always waiting to be balanced; otherwise, the whole equation will be upset. It takes 2 persons’ expectations to be aligned, and deep understanding, sensitivity and trust to make this scale well-balanced.

I personally did commit this crime of being possessive before, not so much in actions but in thoughts, many a time. I remembered I was so close to this Uni girlfriend of mine that I wish that I am the closest friend in her life too, and I got a taste of sour grapes when I saw her close to her JC friends… How immature. Haha.

As I get on with life, I learn and shift my thinking. Just like I greatly value my own freedom, I respect others for their private space to do what they want. They are not my possessions, and should not be treated as one. Of course, I ought to be honest to acknowledge that I may have my own insecurity every now and then, questioning many things such as my importance and contributions. However, I will try to handle these conversations of mine internally with my best efforts. To impose, demand or restrict is too much and not right, not to say to practice double standards.

I am also fully aware that if the person that I love or care for is happy, I should be happy no matter I am a part of his or her life or not. But saint I am not, hence I must admit this principle is hard to follow at times. Of course, I rather to be the one hurt than to see the ones I love upset, as it is always easier to handle my own emotions than another person.

Many things in life are like sand: the harder I try to grab tight to it, the more it will slip through my fingers… Thus, I figure the best is to treasure what is right in front of me today, even though things may change tomorrow.

Outcome is perhaps important to me. Yet, no matter what the outcome may be, I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the process and the moment called The Present.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is real?

Guess what, I got an 80GB Ipod, together with some facial products as X’mas present yesterday from someone that I am not even exactly close to.

It was a shock to receive these… even though I am very upset to lose my Ipod… Just do not feel very right and nice to receive such expensive gifts (even though the $ spent is minimal to him)…yet, to refuse seems very rude too…

Can only thank him graciously for all the gifts and the sweet thoughts…

And hopefully, I will be less careless with my things next time…

Santa does not entertain bad girls so often…

Review Time...

2005 is a year of actions for me – I was doing a lot of things at the same time, thus cramping up my schedule. Life seemed to be in a mad rush for me, with a lot to accomplish each day. Well, it was a great year for me - actions, actions and then results… On hindsight, I realized that I achieved a lot in 2005... However, of course, after a year of such hectic schedule, one of my goals for 2006 is to have a more relaxed year...

Suddenly, with a blink, 2006 is coming to an end. Is it about me or that time simply flies?

Since coming to the end of a year, it is a time for reflection and review…

Well, yes, this year is indeed a more relaxed year for me in term of activities. I took quite a number of holidays, both long and short ones, and did 2 half marathons. And I am more inward focused this year, with the attention on myself and people who are closer to me.

In general, this is a thinking year for me. I cannot say it hasn’t been smooth sailing, but I guess I have had a greater share of breakdowns this year as compared to last year, and many events that took place set me thinking about things. I have also made a few major decisions this year...

Nevertheless, I did achieve almost everything that I set in my 2006 DOE. Of course, I think there is some shortfall in certain PPGs, which certainly can be better...

So... now let me mull over what kind of personal and professional goals I should set for myself in the coming year of 2007.

Madness Week

It is madness in office this week!! So busy with work that I can hardly breathe. Why so busy? Cos we are rushing out for a campaign…and it is holidays season... and the whole wide world seems to be on leave...

Of course, not forgetting that everything has to follow this process:

1. Identify the issue
2. Propose alternatives or solutions
3. MUST ASK FOR APPROVAL
4. Cannot do anything or make any decision without clearance.
5. Follow instructions solely and DO
6. Repeat step 1 all over again

So... every matter, big or small, important or trivial has to be cleared by Her. None of us can make decisions ourselves, even though the solution or action is so straight in the face. Thus I supposed that is one reason why I am so busy... additional steps in every thing we do... so inefficient, so redundant. I think my brain is retarding - it has refused to think nowadays as there is no need to....

X'mas is so close on the heels now. I always love X'mas, and like the whole meaning behind it, thus X'mas is one of my favourite festive holidays. Yet, the merry x’mas mood seems to miss me this year... Think I am too overwhelmed by every other thing that I do not have time or energy to enjoy the mood in the air.

Or otherwise, it is just a plain sign that I am getting old... Old means emotions are pretty flat and everything else does not seem to be important anymore. In another words, I am oblivious and becoming a walking zombie... Haha…

Careless...

I lost my Ipod few days back... :( x ∞

There goes my nice black Ipod, together with my 1800+ of mp3, photos and the rest. :…(

Did I ever say that I am a very blur and careless person in nature when it comes to things? I normally cannot quite recall where I last put my things, nor can I remember when I have done a certain action.

The best part is when I think that I am very careful, I am not; when I think that I am putting in extra conscious effort to be cautious, I am still as clumsy and blur! Arrgh…

And did I ever say that this trait of mine frustrates the hell out of me at times? … I always misplace my things, be it inexpensive or dear, or forget where I last see them etc. I hate it especially when I lost an item that holds significance for me, especially when it is a gift from someone dear in my life.

Lotsa heavy prices pay for being so careless, blur and lack of concentration in what I am doing… Alas…

Happy Birthday...!

It is your birthday tomorrow.

Wishing you many many happy returns on such a special day of yours.

Thanks for being so supportive and patient with me always.

Things have just been easier with you around.

Guess you really add order to my disorganised life! Thou I think I add more chaos to your structured life! Haha.

Sorry... I cannot be not around to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. But late celebration is better than nothing, right? :P

Happy Birthday! Enjoy! Luvs...

Questions...

I have going around asking some people a lot of questions recently. Ha. Perhaps I always have a lot of questions and always have been asking?! I am a problem kid indeed...This I dun deny. Haha.

Just trying to understand certain things... So asking helps, talking aloud helps, listening to what others have to say helps... At least talking about it helps clear the mind, and others may have views that I have never considered or thought about. Anyway, I dunno, thus I ask...obviously.. :P

Anyway, I have come to a conclusion that people can be pretty stupid at times, so irrational that they can do things that put themselves in a distinct disadvantage. So, the heart is an item that we ought to discard at times? Or the brain has suddenly decided to go on strike and stop thinking, thus sabotaging us? Haha..

It is interesting to know how different people see things and set their boundaries. It is also intriguing to know how people have defined their own sets of rights & wrongs, dos & don’ts, rules & boundaries. Yet, when you flip all those 'principles" around and present with a different angle along their own line of arguments, they are eating their own words.

In life, there are always grey areas for debate. It can never be just pure black and white - it is overly idealistic and naive to think so. If it is so, life will NOT be so interesting lor…

“As long as you know what you are doing…”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing most of the times?”

Haha.

Life...

"Life can't give you joy and peace;
It's up to you to will it.
Life just gives you time and space;
it's up to you to fill it."

Congrats, A & MJ..

I attended another wedding yesterday evening at Carlton. I am pretty close to this couple. (Perhaps it is the reason why there were many moments that I was being moved by them yesterday…) We shared an intensive three months together, coaching some special individuals. At the same time, we went on an Aussie trip last year together, creating some really fun and special moments together. Thus we are bonded even closer. (Holidays is one of the best ways to create some intimacy, isn’t it?)

Seeing them finally together is indeed touching. Both of them have come a long way, with each having a really bad experience in a failed relationship. Thus being able to meet other, come together and finally walking down the aisle is indeed not easy.

The bride was getting emotional during the thank-you speech, not to say that her tears just flowed uncontrollably when one of our friends sung such a passion-filled song just for them.

To me, their wedding dinner was not one of those grand and elaborate affairs. Yet, we were not exactly bothered by all the glitches as well. All we know is that we were there to celebrate the moments of significance for them.

I sincerely wish them a happy married life. Both are certainly powerful, passionate and loving individuals, complementing each other pretty well. I am sure they will have lots more fun in their married life..

I Wonder

If things din change for you and me back then
Where will we be today?

Can’t pick it up from where we left off
Can’t go back in time too

This is perhaps the best distance for you and me
It is more than I can ask for

Just a silent wish
For happiness to be yours always...

What's Your Love Style?

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

"Have You Ever Been In Love"

Was up at this hour...

My itunes was on...

Was doing another blog entry actually.

Then this song was played over the speakers...

The tune... then some bits of the lyrics... caught my attention.

The funny thing is, I have been listening to this album over and over again for quite awhile already, however, this song just slipped me every time...

Yet, at this moment, I paused to listen with my heart what this song is about...

Perhaps, it's cos of such quiet nite...

Went to Youtube, managed to find this song...

And pardon me, such coincidence, it is another westlife song from The Love Album...

Have You Ever Been In Love


In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and she's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear her say hello
Cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What it's all about

And when she's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
Cause with her, you can be true
And with her, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
Cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What its all about

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love?

Let...

Hmm, I suddenly decide to try an English version of the below entry. Perhaps I am too bored? Haha…

Let me see, can this do?

Let the twinkling stars
Bring boundless new hopes

Let the vast sky
Embrace all great dreams

Let the silent night
Calm the unsettled mind

Let the cool breeze
Take away all disturbing troubles

Let also a tight hug
Warm the cold heart

Just be with me
To gaze at stars
Let all be unspoken

Still think the Chinese version is much better…. isn’t it? : P

就让。。。

让闪烁的星星
带来无限的新希望

让辽阔的天空
触摸着没有尽头的梦想

让宁静的夜晚
安抚忐忑不安的情绪

让凉凉的微风
吹走懊人的烦恼

也让紧紧的拥抱
温暖一颗即将冷却的心

就陪我去看星星吧
一切都不用再说明

Lord of the Ring Movie

I was watching Lords of the Ring - The Return of the King, i.e. Part 3 yesterday evening. It was the 2nd half of that 3h long show. The 1st half was screened on Sun evening.

As I was watching the show, I realised it is all about the 4 crucials - compelling desire, solid beliefs, effective actions and iron will! It also strongly brings out the distinctions like "If it is to be, it is up to me", "Team work, team players working towards a common vision" and "My vision, commitments, promises dictates my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations". I must say the show also paints a vivid picture of courage, strength, friendship, love and passion.

It is indeed good to watch the same movie again - I may notice some details that I fail to notice the first time round. This is the same in life - when I revisit certain things in my life, I may get a different angle of understanding.

…So for those who said TV shows or movies are a waste of time, perhaps it is time for them to re-look into that comment. There are certainly things that one may learn from selected shows... if one is mindful enough, if I may use that word... :P

My After Thots after the Run

I completed my half marathon yesterday. The weather had been kind - it was cloudy and thus cooling. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why this was an easier run for me this time round. Perhaps it is in the mind too, as I know this run should be much easier for me since I am no longer considered a novice in that anymore. All in all, I enjoyed my run much more this time round. :)

I was just commenting why I like to do this standard chartered run at year end. The run marks the year end for me. It is like setting the goals at the beginning of the year, and knowing that I accomplish them at year end… So doing this run is symbolic in a sense

Do not know exactly why I persist in running actually. I did my virgin half marathon 2 years back in 2004 – it was to support someone who declared completion of a half marathon to be his goal that year. For someone who had problems finishing a 2km and with only 3 months to train, that was indeed a big stretch for me back then. I must have been mad to agree. Haha.. Not to mention that my madness went overboard, and I tested my limits in a full marathon last year. Definitely under-trained, I paid a high price for that – nearly got heat exhaustion. Haha.

Yet, how come I am still doing it now? Hmm… Reasons that I can think of:

1. Can keep fit
2. Cheap!
3. Good conditioning for the mind
4. Can do it any time with little constraints except for the weather
5. Relieve stress
6. Work off what I gobble down! Can lose weight in another word la! Or at least, dun grow fat!
7. Great energy booster & feel good factor.
8. Clear my thoughts and my mind
9. Realign myself with some goals
10. Train up my discipline

Wow, not bad. I can think of 10 reasons at least!

Ya, so I guess these are all that keep me going.

Wonder how long I will still be doing this… Perhaps my interest can change tomorrow? That is for me to find out. Hoo hoo..

Standard Chartered Run

I did not go for my run as planned yesterday night. Was feeling pretty off tune, thus I ended just stoning and sleeping. Opps... Neither did I go for my usual swim today. Opps again... Such laziness, huh?

Tomorrow is the Standard Chartered run already. I only signed up for the half marathon this year. Full marathon requires too much effort and time in training already. So…well, I opt for the easier way… Opps… Lazy lazy again!

Think I did not train as much as I should have. I was perhaps taking it too easy and other things after work take priority rather than going for a run. Of course, there are many other times that I am just feeling tired or lazy… See, laziness is always in my dictionary…:P

A new record of 30, 000 people are running tomorrow. Let’s hope the weather will be fine and my run will be smooth…

Dream Job

More money + less responsibility + good staff welfare + ok colleagues = dream job?

Uh, hmm? This equation right or not?

If so, then how come it doesn't seem to work for me...?

What's your Choice?

If we always listen to our heart, will the world be in a chaos?

If we are always so rational, will the world be lifeless?

The brain is bigger than the heart for a reason?

Or it is of no coincidence that it is the heart that beats non-stop?

Follow the heart or the brain?

Which one will you choose?

Quotable Quotes

Love these quotes:

"Trust in your instincts and start. A thought or feeling of " Am i ready?" is a signal to start. Starting will always be the best way to get ready. So, the best way to get ready is to get going."

"The only things that stand between people and what they want from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible."

"Our greatest power is the power to choose. We can decide where we are, what we do, and what we think. No one can take the power to choose away from us. It is ours alone. We can do what we want to do. We can be who we want to be."

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the only thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement."

Powerful they are.... Let them serve me... :)

My encounter today

A cleaning lady made a difference in my life today... I was in the Ladies at my office early morning, and while washing my hands, I started having a conversation with this Malay lady, who is doing glass cleaning for a few different buildings.

She commented that she really loves the job that she is doing now as it is very interesting. She used to be working in an office, but now she is just in the service line doing cleaning – a job that some people will look down at. But like she said, she is earning an honest living and she is very happy in this job, thus she does not care about what people say to her or think of her.

And yes, from the way she spoke, I can sense her strong passion for this job. She is right - it doesn't matter where we are and what we are doing, as long as we love what we are doing. And if so, we should not bother too much with what other people have to say or think. What we love to do need not be spectacular in others’ eyes as we ourselves put a value to what we like, not what others see it as. We got to live for ourselves many a times first before satisfying others. If we cannot find a life for ourselves, how can we do something for someone else?

She exhibits so much positive energy too... I am indeed inspired...

Well, I never know who can just make a difference in my life. Haha… It may just take a simple conversation, a trivial incident, or someone to make me aware, realize, learn or to be reminded of certain stuff…

Regrets...

I rather regret an action
That I took
Than to regret something
That I fail to do

The act may be wrong
It may be miscalculated
It can be disastrous

Yet, in the very least
I have taken a risk
I have tried
I have an answer
I may close a chapter
And draw lessons
From the experience

That beats standing at a spot
Guessing how it can be
Or what it may be
Through pure imagination

Realisations...

Get to know myself even better …upon reflection of all the little things that had happened these few days...

Some self realisations that I got:

1. The things that I want in life are pretty simple.

2. Yet, I have high expectations of these simple things. In another words, I believe in giving best shots and desire the finest in these simplicities. Such irony?

3. Reaffirm the fact that money is not the main consideration or driving factor for me.

4. Instead, I desire personal growth & development. Stagnancy frustrates me. Perhaps my impatience speaks volume in this instance.

5. Dislike the idea of being complacent, and let life slip me by. It is all linked to point 4, I suppose.

6. Perhaps to trust my instinct or intuition, instead of just brushing them aside.

First Day...

First day at a new place... It was of course an anticipation phase before I stepped in - some excitement coupled with apprehension.

The start was fine. Colleagues are few on this floor, though there are many of them a floor below. Yet, being located at a different floor is not a major issue as my colleague told me that we do not deal much with the rest at all.. So solitary for a marketing dept...

Orientation of the office environment took a short while, fire drill took up an hour, IT took the rest. This was my morn.

Afternoon? Toured around the various floors, does not know who is who; HR talked to me, gave me lotsa forms to fill up! Arghhh! My immediate boss briefed me on some other stuff... and she is asking me to come up with things already! :(

But got a very sweet surprise from a friend... Got a bouquet of flowers with a fluffy doggie! It was a pleasant surprise, or to put it more plainly, it was a surprising pleasant shock! I could not find any name in the card, but I guess who it was from the sign off of "With loves and huggies"... I was pondering what did the receptionist has for me on my very first day when she emailed me to go to 20th floor for my little surprise! Haha...

See, how pretty and cute, ya? :) Thank you, my dear sweet friend! :))



Let’s see how things go from here. Perhaps it is not what I have expected... but what have I expected in the first place?

It is all too early to tell...

But for the first day, I have survived...

Another Dreamy Nite...

Had another long night full of dreams! I am pretty amazed by how creative and restless my brain can be at times - it can simply pick up anything that happens during the day and weave it into a dream, or create a scenario that totally throws me off guard when I am supposed to be resting and recharging!

Yet, how I wish I can have a switch, so I can switch off the active brain of mine as and when I like it. Or, at least I can slap it into motionless!

Visibility

How about this too?

“ In personal relationships (and in all relationships, really), it’s about loss. It’s about being afraid of what one might lose or fail to gain. Yet the best personal relationships…are relationships in which everyone knows everything; in which visibility is not only the watchword, but the only word; in which there simply are no secrets. ..Nothing is withheld, nothing is shaded or colored or hidden or disguised. Nothing is left out or unspoken. There is no guesswork, there is no game playing; no one is “doing a dance”, “running a number”, or “shining you on”.

This isn’t about having no mental privacy, no safe space in which to move through your personal process...

This is about simply being open and honest in your dealings with another. This is about simply telling the truth when you speak, and about withholding no truth when you know it should be spoken…

This is about coming clean, telling it like it is, giving it to them straight. This is about ensuring that all individuals have all the data and know everything they need to know on a subject. This is about fairness and openness and well...visibility.

Yet this does not mean that every single thought, every private fear, every darkest memory, every fleeting judgment, opinion, or reaction must be placed on the table for discussion and examination. That is not visibility, that is insanity, and it will make you crazy.

We are talking about simple, direct, straightforward, open, honest, complete communication. Yet even at that, it is a striking concept, and a little-used one...”

Enough for you to raise your eyebrows?! Haha...

Peace

How is this?

“ When you find peace from within, you also find that you can do without…

This mean simply that you no longer need the things of your outside world. “Not needing” is a great freedom. It frees you, first, from fear: fear that there is something you won’t have; fear that there is something you have that you will lose; and fear that without a certain thing, you won’t be happy.

Secondly, “not needing” frees you from anger. Anger is fear announced. When you have nothing to fear, you have nothing over which to be angry…

You know inwardly, intuitively, that everything you have created can be created again, or - more importantly - that it doesn’t matter.

When you find Inner Peace, neither the presence nor the absence of any person, place or things, condition, circumstance, or situation can be the Creator of your state of mind or the cause of your experience of being…

This does not mean that you reject all things of the body. Far from it. You experience being fully in your body and the delights of that, as you never have before.

Yet your involvement with things of the body will be voluntary, not mandatory. You will experience bodily sensations because you choose to, not because you are required to in order to feel happy or to justify sadness…

There is perfection in everything…

Need nothing, desire everything. Choose what show up…”

Rainy Day...

Such lazy and relaxing afternoon… It is finally raining outside… I love the rain… Such soothing effect at times…Hopefully this rain will wash away all the heat which was driving me to madness yesterday… And phew, luckily it rained after I did my swim… :)

Guess I must have been too free - I went to dig out emails that have been lying in my mailboxes for years. Some were received or written in year 2000! To think that mailbox sizes were so small back then, so I suppose it is of no coincidence how come I choose to keep these few emails.

These emails, a reflection of my state of being then, brought back memories - some people who left footprints in my life and events that made me grow, be it pleasant or not.

Events, experiences, learning, beliefs, memories… The past makes the present me today. This is the same for everyone, isn't it? Events create the experiences, experiences translate into learning and shape the beliefs, beliefs drive the ways I behave and react today.

Yet, learning is continuous. I am constantly learning how to be better for myself and for the people around me. Do give me a nudge if I forget or lose that along the way.

Knowing You

With you just next to me
Halfway through all our conversations
It suddenly hits me…

How much do I know about you?
Do I really know who you are?
Or I only see how you seem?
Doubts start to cloud my mind...

Perhaps I never try hard enough
To know and understand you
At a depth that I wish to
To get closer to your heart
In a place that I desire…

No, I am not complaining
It is not about that
Just that I do not know
How I can be
Of a contribution to your life…

Close Friends...

Went for dinner with my sweet friend yesterday night. It was a good dinner indeed… Thank you, my friend, for making time to have dinner with me…

We touched on the topic of friends yesterday, and I was telling her that I am getting weary from trying to figure out what is going on for a friend. We went on further to explore the definition of “close” means as it differs from person to person.

Guess she is indeed right - I have my expectations of what a close relationship looks like.

To me, close means trust, openness, communication, authenticity and understanding:

Without trust, how can we build a stronger relationship?

Without openness, how can we know what is going on in each other’s life?

Without communication, how can we understand each other better?

Without authenticity, how do I know you mean what you say and vice versa?

Without understanding, how can we empathize and be supportive to each other?

It doesn’t mean 2 will agree on almost everything and anything. In fact, it may not be at all - one can offer a totally different point of view and yet be supportive anyway.

Perhaps I am asking too much? Or these are just the basic building blocks?

I do suppose 2 persons will drift apart and the bonding will fade when each other’s visions and expectations are misaligned in a relationship. This is also why we cannot be close to everyone and anyone. It takes 2 hands to clap to make the bonding stronger and the relationship closer over time.

To me, it is never about who is giving or taking more in a relationship. I think that cannot be measured as we all show our love in our own ways…

Just for a handful of people who have a special place in my heart, I am certainly more than willing to go the extra mile for them, to adjust and adapt to their styles and try to be there for them. The reason is simple - because You matter. Period. Yet, sometimes this journey can get very tedious…especially when there is so much withholding from the other person.

Sidetracking a little, my friend said this “ Loving a person for who he is, isn’t easy. Cos if you know a person well enough, it’s either way to give in, to lower expectation or the other party to fulfill the expectations. Who make the move depend on who is willing to change.”

Can I offer a different point of view to that? Loving someone doesn’t mean you blindly agree and support everything he is doing, as he may be slightly off track now. By allowing him to be where he is now, are you supporting him to grow? A person never changes, but he can slowly shift... Accepting will mean lower the bar for that person? You may be able to see so much power in him, yet he cannot see it for now. Do you let him be? Is that called loving and supporting him? Or you should try all means to support him so that he can be out there to soar to higher skies? You need to put in effort, in fact more effort to support the person to shift and excel rather than to just accept…

I guess for that, the bottom line is the space that you are coming from - for him or for yourself…

Ended...

Yes, it happened all in a flash.. It is over. Today marks the end of my working life in the company.

Was busy the whole day, and at 7pm, I was still struggling to delete all the stuff in my pc. Yes, my pc got a lot of my personal stuff, like pictures, songs, screensavers etc. This was a blessing in disguise in fact, cos I do not have the time to pause and think further.

Was hiding at another floor when it came 6pm. Know that I did not want people to come to me and say a lot of things... One of my staff sent me this sms at 617pm “Trying to siam us rite?” I burst out laughing to myself when I saw that sms... Best part is I took a train filled with ads that we have done for the company recently!

Only when all is settled and quiet, I know very clearly that I’m not going back tomorrow. Only when alone, I started to let my emotions flow. No, it is not getting out of hand. All that I am feeling now is inevitable - after all, I have made many friends here over these few years, yes, I will miss my seat for that little while…Yet, I also know these feelings are transient - they will pass very quickly… When a new chapter is started, there is little time and no need for me to look back and live in the past…especially when it is just about work…

Last day

Listening to some sentimental hits passed to me by a friend… Gosh… Such oldies.. Yet still never fail to move my heart… Evoking some memories perhaps. Bringing my mood to another level perhaps… Whichever…

Tomorrow will be my last day in my present company. Looking back, 3 months notice period passed in a flash. It was in fact a pretty busy time for me till a few weeks ago when I could finally relax and take a slight breather at work.

For the past 2 years 7 months, it has been a roller coaster ride indeed... Many ups and downs... I have learnt many things here in a way or another. Think work and management will not be something that I will miss. It will be the people here that I will miss - those that I am close to, those who have made a difference in my life in a way or another.

There are a few that I had grown pretty attached to, and had left the company one by one some time back. Some of them are indeed special in ways I do not know how to put across in words. Nothing will change the memories I had with them, even if our relationship is to change some time down the road.

At the same time, there are some who are still here. One had been a great company to me during last year management brainstorming session. He was the one who made my torturous 2 and ½ days so much better. It was that trip that brought us closer. He had been thoughtful in a way or another, perking me up every now and then. I will miss his supply of songs definitely! :P

There are my 2 staff as well, who have braved through the storms with me. They have stood by me and fought with me. I do thank for all the laughter, fun and their patience with me. Perhaps I have not been as great a boss to them that I should have been, but I did try my best in whatever way I know how. Though of course, I could always be much better in every little way. And tonight dinner with them was indeed so great even though we might be talking some nonsensical stuff at times…The feeling is just so…comfortable and warm… I do hope that they will have a easy time with their new head going forward...

There is this gal as well, who suddenly popped into my life out of the blues. She is almost everywhere and anywhere! Haha. She is one sweet gal - gentle, loving, caring, passionate and sensitive. She is one great pal who has made my last few months here especially great. Thanks for all your nice surprises, showers of gifts, and generous love. It has been fantastic with you around. If you are a guy, you would have put a lot of guys to shame! :P You are too sweet in your own little ways. I hope you will find a guy who appreciates you for who you are. But before that can happen, do open your heart to them, and let them come in. You may be in for surprises…

And yes, there is this guy whom I always go down to buy bread or kopi together and have lunches together at times. The morning breaks are good breathers from work at times. We have shared quite a numbers of things together. He has been pretty crappy at times, yet, he is also one guy who is open and willing to share his personal life and thoughts with me. For all these, I appreciate and seriously, I think I would miss the days when we sat at the fountain, talking as we munched away our breads as breakfast.

Of course, there are still many who are superb - those who have managed to withstand my nonsense, my bitchy nature and temper, and yet still be so ever nice and sweet to me. For some, thanks for sharing and letting me into your life, so that I can be a contribution. Knowing and being able to contribute is part of receiving for me… Thank you.

Tomorrow will soon come… Whatever will be, will be… Let’s not get too emotional… It will be a new chapter for me soon... But some things will not change for sure...

Mood...

Late in the nite
Such stirring music
Just back from a trip
Yet mood is somehow not quite rite

What’s up?
My mind playing tricks?
Or my heart failing me?
Am I controlling the mood?
Or the mood is controlling me?

Let me sleep it away tonight...

Miss & Missing

Missing someone
The desire of his presence
And yet to feel the absence of him
This feeling is so unfathomable

It slowly creeps up
In any form possible
Without a single warning
It hits you
It engulfs you
It consumes you
Throwing you into total loneliness

When nightfall is here
Stars are the only ones awake
The moon exudes such irresistible charm
With such idyllic mood
Thoughts can flow freely
And yet so randomly
This feeling is especially intense

Have you ever wondered…
Why miss? Why him?
Why not anyone else?
Someone important?
Someone dear?
Someone close?
Or...?

Whichever…

Are you missing someone now?

Updates...

The previous post was actually done at 7pm…

So the latest update after seeing my doc…Apparently, he said it is NOt gastritis or stomach ulcer… He kept asking me to describe the pain, which I was literally scratching my head. Haha. It is so hard to put specific words into these kind of feelings! He also kept asking me about how exactly I feel when in pain, symptoms, for how long etc.

After all the conversations and checks, he told me some cheem words on my conditions, but in simple words, I concluded it should be some stomach disorder. And from his words, I also deduced that he implied that my this persistent ‘gastric’ pain may be stressed induced. My conversation with him on the topic of stress was pretty funny:

Him: Are you stressed?

Me: Uhh, I don’t think so.

Him: (As he pressed my tummy to check) Do you have a lot of deadlines to meet?

Me: Eh… Don’t have. I don’t think I am stressed at work.

Him: (Smart reply) Then you are stressed over your family lah?

Me: Ok la. Just that both of my parents are sick recently… But I dun think I am that stressed.

Him: Best, you don’t even know you are stressed or not.

Then he even went on to prescribe one type of pill to make me relax! :-O

Anyway, I am taking 6 different types of pills from him now. He said I should be fine very soon. Of course, he added that if I am still not well, I must go and find him to complain (his very own words!).

Well, we should see how things go from here. Fingers crossed.

Still Not Well...

I am a sick cat…:( My stomach pain is still here after 11 long days. It is so persistent that it is irritating the hell out of me!! The attacks can be any time after morning, and the pain is getting so acute nowadays. The medicines the company doctor gave me 5 days ago were practically useless. I still need to take extra cimetidine on top of his medicines to ease the pain. Was practically struggling in pain (and in silence…) when I was at my friend’s house last Friday night. That was one of the worst attacks.

However, I was better on Sat and fine on Sun, thus I thought I have recovered. That was obviously too early a conclusion - I got 2 consecutive days of attacks again. The attack this late morning was too much for me to take it that I went back to my company doctor. He suggested endoscopy for me, but added on to say that mine is less than 2 weeks, so I can still wait and see. In the end, I took the stronger medicines he prescribed, only to realise that they don't seem to work again. Like a defeated cat, I could only make my way home to rest.

The main frustation stems from the fact that the pain is so paralyzing - it is hard to be running around doing things with the pain. At times, I just feel like stopping short and purr like a kitten seeking for some attention and TLC. I also feel like screaming it out loud that I am already at my brim, so stop telling me things, stop pushing me, stop waiting for me and just me to get things sorted out and handled. Let me have some space to breathe and maneuver. I am only one person - there is only that much I can do. I cannot take on the whole family on my shoulders and run. Breakdown, this is one definitely.

Going to see my family doctor later. See what he got to say. He is a very experienced doctor, just that one got to wait darn long before one can get to see him lor. This is the umpteen time that I am seeing a doc for this pain… Ok, not umpteen time, just the 3rd time.

6 Distinctions

6 distinctions that have served me faithfully these few years:

1. 100% is possible 100% of the time.
2. If it is to be, it is up to me.
3. Life is an enrollment game.
4. Teamwork, team players working towards a common vision
5. My vision, commitments, promises dictate my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations.
6. I honour my words with my actions.

These distinctions have become a part of me, so much so that it is an automatic to practice them without me realising it. Human beings are indeed habitual creatures, isn't it? :P

Which distinction serves me best? It is distinction 5, no doubt about it…

Me...

I am just an ordinary mortal
Far from perfect
I have my desires, I have my fears
I have my flaws, I have my bad days

Do not expect too much from me
Do not think highly of me
For many an occasion
I do not have the slightest idea how to rise up to it

“Why” is the driving factor to all creations
Not “how”…
This I understand in depth
Yet this journey is never easy
Bewilderments, struggles, breakdowns, failures
I have more than my fair share...

This is just me...
Far from who you think I am…

What a day again!

Ok, this is going to be one long entry, definitely… Cos the day seems to be pretty long for me.

Today is a lousy day definitely. PMS day?! Perhaps? Hahaha..

Firstly, I am still taking my medicine. My gastritis is still acting up every now and then. That is getting me super irritated because it doesn't seem to go away. The feelings of bloated stomach, pain and nausea suck big time, to be very truthful. On top of that, I took my cough syrup this morning as I started coughing, thus got me to feel very drowsy. During lunch, I was almost like Alice in Wonderland, high without any alcohol. In the end, I ended up resting in the toilet, trying to take forty winks after my lunch... That was how desperate I am.

Secondly, I just had a fight with my boss over my last day in this company. She called me at 2+pm and her voice was raised the moment I picked up the call, as if she was interrogating some criminals. This is the gist of the conversation that we had:

Her: I thought you are extending till 17 Nov.
Me: No. I have checked with HR. They said she (my replacement) could only come in on 16 Nov. Then there is no point for me to stay till 17 Nov. Only 2 days with her.

Her: No, she is coming in on the 13 Nov.
Me: No, I just checked with HR 2 days ago.
Her: By right, you cannot take leave when you are serving notice. This is a company policy. But I allowed you to take on the understanding that you will extend.
Me: I do not think that policy was stated in my letter of appointment.
Her: If you leave on 14, then I am going to die! There is no one to hand things over to her, or teach her things!
Me: (Darn pissed off tone already) But that is very unfair to me, right? I am already serving my 3 months here leh.
Her: (still insistent) She is coming on the 13. Then you can have a whole week with her. HR got it wrong. I am going to call them and check.
Me: They told me it is 16 Nov.
Her: No, it is not. I am going to scold them. I check and let you know.

Well, I never promised her that I would stay till 17 Nov. I only told her that I got to check on my schedule. Oh, did I say that her attitude was so bad? I was darn pissed with that. It is her privilege if I stayed a day longer, not my obligation. I am serving my THREE months here, not any shorter! I got no more obligations to ensure that my duties are properly handed over by then. Not to mention that she attempted to threaten me with company policy. That is the last straw for me! I am not new here - I know how it works. I am not dumb either - I could jolly well leave at this very instance and pay back the remaining days that I am supposed to be in this company. There is no loss for me. And I am the only one who knows what to do in my role. No one else does. I am the one with the bargaining power, not her.

Subsequently, she came over to my desk and talked about it pretty loudly in the open. I only gave her a " so-what" and " I-do-not-care-more" attitude. Think she saw my face and attitude to realise that I am darn pissed, and that I would not give in to her threats. As such, she changed to a nicer tone, and tried talking to me in a more reasonable tone. In the end, I am only extending one more day to 15 Nov. Bottom line, any attempt to threaten me and you will get it from me. If you need a favour, ask, not demand. Respect is meant to be earned, not given.

With all these, I also got a feedback with regards to my impatience. Said that it deterred him from asking and telling me things. What am I supposed to say to that? Upon reflection, when things are going the other way for me, I know I get more impatient and short tempered than I usually am. That I am in the wrong. Perhaps I am letting that getting out of hand recently. Perhaps there are too many things on my mind. Yet, there is no excuse for my temper and impatience. I am not the only one who may be having a bad day. As such, I gotta to be sensitive enough to other people too. I wun like it too if I know the other party is impatient with me...

Yet, when the other person is pointing fingers at me, is that fair? I do not know and do not wish to think about it. Giving it a careful thought now, I realise that communication breakdown is one thing that I am fearful of. Communication breakdown has been the main contributing factor to my breaks in relationships with people. Once that goes wrong, everything else will go wrong...

Anyway, let me sit on it and give it a further thought...

Today...

I finally went to see the company doc today for my gastritis, which has been bothering me for a week already. Need to see him for my badly inflammed throat, so might as well get him to take a look at my gastric problems too. Not too bad, isn't it? I get to kill 2 birds with one stone! Save my time and effort. :P

Accordingly to him, gastritis, which is a mild inflammation of the stomach lining, may last for as long as 2 weeks! So it is usual for me to have all the gastric symptoms for a week. He asked me to stop my Cimetidine. Instead I was given Zantac and Motilim. Let's hope these medicine work better for me… Not forgetting my poor inflammed throat that is getting so painful. Please get well quickly too, so that I can eat all that I want!

Going to bunk in with my long time friend today and tomorrow. Her parents are overseas till next Thu and she refuses to be alone in the whole house, thus has requested for my company.

Knew this great friend since I was Primary 4! Amazing, right? The best part was we only got closer to each other after we left Primary School! It all began when we started playing badminton together regularly in the open-air court near our blocks. From there on, our friendship just grows and blossoms.

We 2 actually seldom get together. In fact, being busy in our own lives, we rarely even keep in contact to know what’s up in the other person’s life. The longest break was in fact about 2 years. It was only a few months back that we managed to meet up for lunch. Yet, whenever we meet up, the distance is never felt. I know I still can tell her anything; I know she will listen and understand; I know she will be there for me anytime I need her... This is the kind of friendship we have established over these long years.

Do not know what I will do in her house. But well, who cares? Just enjoy lor, and sleep of course! Hahaha…

The Power of Time

Can time gauge the depth of your relationship with another person?
Do you have an unexplained bonding with someone you just knew, as if you have known each other for the past decades?
Yet you cannot fathom the heart of the one whom has been sleeping next to you for as long as you can remember?

Can time heal the pain, bring the sun and dry the rain?
Is a hurt as intense as before?

Or has it faded with time?
Are you as bitter as you used to be?

Or have you forgiven and uncaged yourself?
Have you drawn a lesson from it and be better the next time?

Can time erase the memories?
Can you recollect what you did an hour ago or a week ago?
Yet do you find yourself reminiscing the beautiful moments you had shared with someone many years back?
Captured moments are always a part of us even though we may not remember?

Can time change a relationship of any kind?
The only constant in this world is changes?

Yet have you made the change better or worse?
How have you contributed to it - active or passive, a giver or a taker?
Have you wanted it bad enough to rough through it all and make it work out?

Can time change your choices?
What you wanted yesterday may not be what you want today or tomorrow?
What do you want at this point in time?
When was the last time you sit down and think about and for yourself?
Do you recall when was it that you realign your visions with your inner self?

Yet one thing is for sure
Time passed can never be recaptured
Moments lost can never be recreated
The experience of being fully alive is an experience itself

Ironical as it may sound, part of the enjoyment in life is the journey of struggles towards what you want

Experience life to the fullest today for tomorrow may not come

Carpe Diem...

Hmm...

These lyrics from a nice song "These Open Arms" have brought up certain interesting perspectives for me to ponder about:

“What if everything you ever took for granted, was gone?

And everything you ever thought was right, was wrong?

And what if everyone you ever loved was torn, from the pages of your life?

Would you reach out for tomorrow, or try to turn back time? ...

Did you really love the ones you said you loved? Think twice.

And did you make a bit of difference in somebody else’s life?

Tell me, is there someone you can count on when you need a friend?”

Food for your thoughts as well?

Strength

I wish upon the stars
For inner strength
To see me through this period
Where everything seems…
… So overwhelming…

Weary indeed I am
Breathless I am becoming
Little brain is protesting
Capacity is almost full

Slowly things seem to be more
Than I can chew
Sourced changes
Unexpected hiccups
New responsibilities
All flood in together
At the same time

Sometime I wish I could hide myself
In some faraway land
Where no one can find me
Nothing can get me
Such serenity is so appealing

Yet a thought is always just a thought
Walking out is impossible
And I would not
As the saying goes
When the going gets tough
The tough gets going

Strength is an attitude
Resolute it should be
Adversity will pass
And better I will be
Wun I? ...

Gastric...

My gastric is giving me problems again these few days. There is a lot of abdominal discomfort - feeling of pain, fullness, bloating, and nausea. Do not know what happened. Not like I have been skipping my meals. If any, then it must be I gorging too much food down these few days.…? It is definitely not fun to be feeling so bloated and nauseous, and yet experiencing hyperacidity and pain all at the same time. Have been popping my cimetidine pills to help relieve the symptoms and discomfort these few days. :(

Let’s hope it will just get better come tomorrow...

Westlife - The Love Album

Fell in love with this latest album by Westlife. All remakes, but still thumbs up for these wonderful songs... My friend who passed me this album commented that we 2 are sentimental fools! Haha.

1. The Rose
2. Total Eclipse Of The Heart
3. All Out Of Love (Duet with Delta Goodrem)
4. You Light Up My Life
5. Easy
6. You Are So Beautiful
7. Have You Ever Been In Love
8. Love Can Build A Bridge
9. The Dance
10. All Or Nothing
11. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

Connection

Was surfing the net and suddenly decide to check the online dictionary. Found the meanings of these 2 words from Wiktionary:

Connection: A feeling of understanding and ease of communication between two or more people.

Telepathy: The sympathetic affection of one mind by the thoughts, feelings, or emotions of another at a distance, without communication through the ordinary channels of sensation.

Do you have someone(s) whom you have deep connection with in your life now? Such deep understanding that it can almost be telepathic. Words may be redundant - it just takes you a glance to almost guess what may be going through the other person's mind, or a tingling hunch to feel what the other party is feeling. Is that called intuition or purely understanding?

Personally, I do not think this connection is by chance, neither does it happen overnight. Instead, it is built on many small blocks, like open communication, trust, authenticity, and most importantly, the willingness to open your heart to allow the other party to come into your life. Of course, you cannot establish a deep connection with everyone and anyone. It takes perhaps some unexplained affinity or chemistry, some common life experiences and similarity in ways of thinking as the reactants to create the desired reaction.

Will this so-called connection between 2 persons change with time? I figure so. The only constant in life is changes, isn't it? As we move on with life, we change. Together with that, the relationship with the other person also changes - fading with time due to differences or less sharing and communication, or strengthening due to deeper understanding.

At various stages in my life, will I have different people that my heart can connect to?

Or in such vast land, it is my privilege to find someone(s) that our minds are connected in such amazing ways? If it is so, I am indeed blessed, and I cherish...

Ode to You

Your presence in my life
Has been my privilege and fortune
Loving, caring, supportive, patient
Humorous, passionate, intelligent, sensitive
You are bigger than you think you are
Someone with such big heart
Always ready to give
Always willing to go the extra mile

For me
Your love has been deep
Your support has been steadfast
Your patience has been boundless
Your passion has been infectious

Never did you belittle me
For all my atrocious ideas
Never did you laugh at me
For all the mistakes I have made
Never did you walk out of me
For all the times I am down
Never did you give up on me
For all the times I am lost

'Cos of you
I was, I am and I will be
More than words can put across
I thank you for everything
Let the rest be unspoken

…With lotsa loves…

So How?

You know you may regret tomorrow for an action today

What is next?

Ignore, avoid, act blur? Never take any chance?

Or still do it anyway, and accept all consequences?

On the flip side…

You know you may regret tomorrow for an inaction today

What is next?

Act on it? Make it happen? Try anyway?

Or let it be, let it pass and let chances slip you by?

... ... ... ... ...

WestLife - Unbreakable

Westlife - Unbreakable


Fell in love with this song recently. Don't ask me why... Have been listening to this over and over again...

Here's the mtv with the lyrics...

Enjoy... :)

[Shane:]
Took my hand
Touched my heart
Held me close
You were always there
By my side
Night and day
Through it all
Maybe come what may
Swept away on a wave of emotion
Overcaught in the eye of the storm
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine
Believe that you're mine

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
And each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time I look in your eyes
Oh baby, I know why
This love is unbreakable

[Bryan:]
Shared the laughter
Shared the tears
We both know
We'll go on from here
Cause together we are strong
In my arms
That's where you belong
I've been touched by the hands of an angel
I've been blessed by the power of love
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
Each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time you whisper my name
Oh baby, I know why

[Mark:]
This love is unbreakable
Through fire and flame
When all this over
Our love still remains

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
And each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time you whisper my name
Oh baby, I know why
Cause each time I look in your eyes
Oh baby, I know why

[Shane:]
This love is unbreakable

All is Fine

Well, my mom has been discharged already. So hopefully she will recover well from here. Doc said that she is born with the congenital condition of cysts in her kidneys and livers. Thus her condition recently is caused by inflammation of one/ some cysts. Which one exactly, they can't tell as she has hundreds of them in her kidneys and livers! Kidneys may ultimately fail because the cysts may impair their basic functions. Anyway, let’s take things a step at a time and see how it goes. I do not want to think too much at this point in time, as it can be too scary.

Weather are definitely better these 2 days too, thus I did my runs and a swim this weekend. My poor muscles are aching all over now though! Must be the lack of exercises recently! After so long a break, it is indeed hard to kick start the engines again - my body is obviously protesting! Realised that this is the same with life - once there is a stop in actions, it is hard to get back into creation once more… People always say it is toughest to start off something; I say it is even tougher to keep it going. It is so easy to forget the end goal, lose sight of the initial vision and be blurred by all the distractions along the way…It is comfortable to simply take the easy way out in no matter what we are doing.

Oops, think I am getting out of point here. But well, this is the realisation that I got during my run this evening…

What a Week...

I am worn out this week. Weather has been really bad, so hazy that I could not go out there for a run. Of course, I could have ignored the warning and jog as usual, however, that is not very wise, isn't it? So somehow, I feel that I am letting my body rot a bit too much (especially after so much food indulgence in Bali) and I have too much negative energy, which certainly needs to be sweated out in a run. Haha.

In addition, my brothers and I have been fussing over my mom who is hospitalized now. Her condition is not UTI. Instead, it is something more serious - got to do with kidney, liver or colon. Full detail is yet to be out at this point in time. So I have been in and out of hospital to see her and to make sure that she is doing well. The good news is she is reacting well to the antibiotics and thus her fever has come down nicely. That is a huge relief indeed. Doc has allowed her to eat from yesterday evening and her appetite has regained slightly. Another relief...for the time being...

Guess it is not the hassle to be at different places that is tiring. It is the anxiety that is wearing me out. It is the sense of helplessness to see a loved one suffer and yet there is nothing much I can do about it. But I suppose I am glad to have my brothers around to take care of certain things at different times. Otherwise, I think it would be more than I could cope. The supports from some friends have made it easier too...

All I hope now is that everything will turn out to be fine eventually…

Old Tree Inspiration

A few phrases caught my eyes while I was reading an article about the writer's thoughts on the old tree outside her house in My Paper today.

“...简单是希望欲望休止, 平静是希望心态和顺, 这一切都为了追求一种大自然。”

“...人生也本该如此吧？就这么顺其自然，人烦我不烦，人贪我不贪， 不必在意太多， 无须太过执著。只要不是消沉和放弃， 简单与平静也能展现一种焕然的生命力。”

Well written indeed.

Considerations, Considerations

Do you consider a lot before you make a remark? For fear you are judged. For fear you offend someone.

Do your thoughts go round the world once before you jump into something? For fear you make a wrong decision. For fear you fail.

Do you stop short in expressing your feelings and emotions to someone you love? For fear of rejection. For fear of being hurt.

Do you even hesitate for long before you drop someone whom matters to you an sms or an email? For fear you are a nuisance. For fear you are an intruder.

Are the concerns real or just unfound internal conversations?

Who make life so complicated? Ourselves?

Why make it so difficult when it can be so simple?

Why make it so tiring when it can be so exciting?

Why make it so hard when it can be so sweet?

Are we living for ourselves or for others?

I don't have an answer.

Do you?

My Mum and Her Illness

It had not been a very fantastic weekend for me actually. My blood pressure has been rising due to my mom. She has this high fever since the start of last week. And she had seen the GPs thrice, to find that her fever still going up and down.

I was actually working half-day morning last Friday, but due to my mom's condition, I instead spent the whole morning at home fussing over her - getting her to drink more water, bath, buying food for her and getting her to eat a little.

Her temperature shot to a high of 39.4°C on Sat morning, thus we decided to send her to hospital. After going all the x-ray, blood and urine tests, the doc certified that she has urinary tract infection (UTI) and she was not responding to the antibiotics that the GP had given her. After monitoring her for awhile in hospital, the doc said she was good enough to go home and be on oral medicine. By the time I was done with her that day, it was already late afternoon. However, I could see that there was a slight improvement in her condition.

Yet, I was boiling mad on Sunday. I could feel my blood pressure shooting up and my veins bursting. My mom decided to listen to hearsay and her friends, and went off stubbornly with her 2 friends to Outram Park to see a Chinese Sinseh in such bad hazy weather. I tried to stop her over the phone, but she insisted and said things like just let her go and die. My youngest brother, who was at home then could not stop her too. I was hoping mad, and headed straight home after putting the phone down with her.

I waited about 2h before she was home. And boy, I really gave it to her for all her nonsensical actions and words! And she was so insistent on stopping the antibiotics that the doc had given her to take the Chinese prescribed medicine. In moments of fury, I nearly threw the bottles of medicines out of the window there and then! After all the scolding and eventually some pampering cum coaxing from me, she finally succumbed, willing to continue with her current course of medicine.

Due to her irresponsible actions, her condition worsened - her temperature was high at 38+°C. So we are all back to square one with her. And I know that she has not been drinking enough water, nor she is eating enough to regain her strength etc. I am really exasperated as I cannot be around her 24h to make sure she does everything to get better. My 2 brothers do not seem to have a way with her - they buy all her bullshit. She is just a kid - the moment you have your eyes off her, she will not do what she is supposed to do, thus prolonging her illness and agony. Thinking about her is enough to get me all stressed up...

Guess if her fever persists tomorrow, it will be hospital for her again... Haiz…

It is a mental strain to take care of someone who is old and sick. If he or she listens to you, the going is easier. Otherwise, it is an uphill task that requires a lot of my attention, effort, time and strength. Sometimes, I am just at my wits end on how to deal with my parents. Yet, it is a personal responsibility I could not and would not avoid. Already on this journey many years back, I only pray that I would just get better at handling all these, and be ever strong for them.

Thank you! :)

For all my friends who had made my last Friday a very special one, thank you! I was indeed sweetly surprised and delighted by some acts.

I sincerely appreciate the efforts of some whom had specially make time for me on that day and day(s) before. You have made me feel important… It is really superb to have each and every one of you in my life.

Of course, I love all the gifts showered on me, be it handmade or bought, be it big or small, and all the good wishes smses. It is the thought that counts, and I feel very blessed to be remembered by so many.

Thank you! :)

Feeling Small

Feeling small about myself

Reflecting on my contributions to the people in my life

Especially those that I love dearly

Impatient, short-tempered, fierce, unreasonable

Prideful, critical, stubborn, confrontational

My shortcoming list can go on and on

Am I a burden, a pest and a hindrance more than anything else?

What have I done for them? I do not know

What can I do for them? I wonder

Can I do more? I question

How can I be better? Can I be in the first place?

Too nonchalant, ain't I?

Too lazy to put in more effort, isn't it?

Till time passes me by

People walk in and out

Never cherish enough

Ain't there when needed

Till I may just lose what I have

Sorry if I could not be any better

For you

Other Things We Did at Bali

There are many other things that we did at Bali actually. The five of us, including my brother and his gf stayed in a clean and pretty decent hotel at Kuta area.

We took a day to do white water rafting, which was a first time for all of us. It was an experience and all of us had lotsa fun. We also spent a day exploring some popular tourist areas like Ubud, the rice terraces at Ubud, Kintamani Volcano, the monkey forest etc. We spent some time at the beach, frolicked in the waves and soaked up the warm sun.. Other times, we were just indulging ourselves in their balinese warm hospitality, beautiful nature and idyllic mood. Shopping, walking around, massage and of course, food! We simply ate alot whole day long - just a proper meal at this instance, and the next moment we were at New Zealand Natural. We treated ourselves to ice creams almost everyday! Not forgetting the nasi and mee goreng almost every morning at the hotel. What a way to rot and grow fat!

People are always talking about going to Tanah Lot for their beautiful sunset. Guess it is human nature to miss the nicest, which is always just right in front of them. The far and unreachable always seems the best, isn't it? The sunset at Kuta beach was actually as spectacular. We were there to see it during midweek. Do you know that the sunset is often more brightly coloured than the sunrise, with the shades of red and orange being more vibrant? I was popped a question "Do you like sunrise or sunset more?" Should I add, “ Who do you want to be with at moments like this?”

Here are 2 shots of the sunset... Isn’t it beautiful?

Did not get to see the sunrise this trip even though I could when we were staying at Sanur for diving. After the dives, all of us just could not wake up early the next day! Haha.. Saw the pretty moon again in Bali though. (Dunno when, I start to pay attention to the moon too, especially when it is full...) It wasn't as full as it should be then, yet, it was big and bright as usual. The full moon day was on 7 Oct, so I was hoping to see a really round and bright moon on that particular night. But unexpected always happened- it was raining and thus the sky was very cloudy. As you might have guessed, the moon went missing! However, I did realise in advance that whenever there is a full moon, there will be religious processions in Bali as a form of celebration. So on way to Tulamben for diving, we got caught in that, and ultimately had to make a detour just to avoid the human jam. Yet, we caught a glimpse of how the processions can be. A pretty interesting sight indeed. And due to the detour, we had a bumpy ride along the more rural area along the mountain, allowing us to admire the nice scenery and seeing the local ways of lives, so I figure the 1+h delay was not wasted.

Guess being there with an open mind and a constant reminder to set no expectations made the trip more enjoyable. The 5 of us spent most of our time indulging in 'rotting' and self-entertaining! It was one of my most relaxed trips so far in fact, with lots of time to just laze, be around and be present at each moment…

Diving Experience in Bali

Let me start off by writing about my diving experience in Bali... The dives were the main highlights of my 10 days long trip. There were many first times for me in this dive trip. Few of us were planning to do 3 days of diving actually. In the end, we cancelled one of the days as we saw what we wanted at the dive sites at Nusa Penida. Thus eventually we did 3 dives in Nusa Penida, and 3 dives in Tulamben.

My first dive was at Nusa Penida - Manta Point. Wow, it was the first time that I got to see like 6 manta rays together at a time. The sight was spectacular! However, other than that, the first dive was a horrendous experience for me. The water temperature was only 22 ° C. For someone who has been diving frequently in Malaysia area, this temperature was the lowest ever for me. Though I was in a 5mm wetsuit then, it was too big for me, and thus the cold seawater kept seeping in. To make it worse, the underwater surge was very strong, thus rocking us back and fro underwater. Already feeling slightly unwell before my first dive, I was feeling cold and nauseous in the water after awhile.

When I surfaced from my first dive, I was like puking in water, though no food came out. When I was on the boat, I was shivering big time, with my teeth chattered uncontrollably. Feeling very exasperated and helpless, I was on the verge of tears. However, I told myself that no tear was to be dropped…I went to sit right under the sun, wore another 2 tops, wrapped in tower, trying to fight the cold. The shivering lasted at least 20 min. To make thing worse, I had diarrhea shortly thereafter. Gosh… Luckily, B.B was there for me, trying to make things better for me.

B.B strongly discouraged me to go down for the 2nd dive, as my shivering was really bad after the first dive. But Blue Corner dive site is where the chances of seeing a Mola Mola are the greatest. Unwilling to let go of this chance, I insisted on going down. The water temperature was even colder this time round, with only 19°C at some points in time. I was already shivering uncontrollably in water after 10min. With some elementary knowledge of diving and first aid, I was getting worried that I might just get hypothermia at the rate I was going. But I do suppose that it was a good risk taken, as we really got to see a Mola Mola! That is a weird sunfish indeed, and the sight was awesome!!

The 3 dives at Tulamben were equally spectacular! The water temperature was better at 27° C. Yet due to prolonged diving of an hour a dive, I was again shivering when I was up from each dive. Of course, it was considered very mild compared to that at Nusa Penida. Can really tell that I am scared of cold, isn’t it? Useless me. Ha… Coming back to the dives, the diversity of marine life there is overwhelming! Mantis shrimp, ghost pipefish, pipefish, ribbon eels, scorpion fishes, ball of jack fish (!!), crab, stingrays, puffers, box fish, cowfish, stonefish, cornet fish, lionfish, giant grouper, barracuda, orang utan shrimp etc. The list just goes on! It was really a big wow for the three of us. We certainly would not mind if we were to dive at Tulamben for another day!

Still reminiscing all the sightings today! <:o)

Back in Office Without J

Yup, I am back to reality...Back from my 10 days long bali trip. I have a lot to blog about - on the trip, my experience, my thoughts etc etc.

However, at this moment in time, I just want to pen down my thoughts with regards to this colleague cum friend, J. I did a previous entry on her leaving the company in Aug. As my team was so caught up with preparation for a big scale roadshow those few months, we extended her stay for another month till end Sep. Her last day was on 29 Sep, the day that I flew off to Bali. Luckily I was not in office that day. Otherwise, I did not know how I would react at knock off time. Before I flew off that evening, I dropped her an email, thanking her for the sweet gift that she got especially for me from States and for being around these few years.

First day back to office after a week long to find that she is and will no longer be at her desk. It is sad to think of that - no more nonsense, jokes and laughter with her together in office. Reading what she replied me get me emotional too. And I realize that J and I are very similar in many ways. Like me, she is bubbly, loud, direct and can be confrontational at times. However, when it comes to relationships with people we are close to, we can crumble easily. J is one loyal friend, cherish her close friends a lot, and thus can get hurt when things change. Though she doesn’t seem like tat sort, she always let her emotions overwhelm and consume her and thus affect her in all other areas in her life. I suppose she is more overt in her feelings and emotions with regards to relationships in this sense...

She hangs on to memories a lot, and is sometimes puzzled why things change. Her own words in her email back to me: "..Things change so much in such a short period of time that somehow I think I can't even seem to keep up with them. Or rather maybe it's just me.... I keep looking back, therefore I find it hard to move forward." Guess I can relate to that very well. I used to ask myself why things change, and feel nostalgic in many instances… (But I have also learnt along the way to let it go and let it be..) ... Thus when she is always on this topic and relationships, I can understand fully where she is coming from.

J and I are pretty different in our lifestyles and many ways, yet I suppose it is all the mutual understanding, the things that we share, the moments we had together that brought us closer day by day, unknowingly.

Figure that things are definitely going to be different from what they used to be. It will be a different journey all together. The bonding between us may fade over time too. Who knows? Yet, I thank god for letting her be in my life before and now, and leaving footprints in my life. For that, I am full of gratitude...

Missing in Action

Will be missing in action for this whole week till next sun. Going to soak myself in Balinese culture for these 9 days. Hope I will get to see my mola mola and my mantra rays .... Brain will be taking a holiday too. Would not filter whatever that comes into my mind there and then...

May be missing your presence...Maybe... Dunno... hee hee... Do not think I will be much missed though... Haha....

Till then, folks!

:)

Together...

Do not walk in front of me
For I fear I may not keep up
Do not walk behind me
For I fear I may not lead
Just walk beside me
Be together with me
On this journey of life

Giving...

Wun it be sad if

What you want I cannot give
What I can give is not what you want

Then what is next?

Love...

Love is such a simple word
Yet so complex in nature
A deep ineffable feeling shared between two
Full of tender affection
Coupled with intense attraction

She pops into your mind
At any moment
Unwittingly and unknowingly
Catching you off guard
You start to miss her presence
Her voice, her sweetness
Even though you have met just moments ago

You wish she is the first
To share your happiness and joy
You wish she is there to hear you out
When you are feeling low and under
You wish she is just round the corner
When you think of her
You wish she is by your side
To share your experiences and every moment
You wish you can create dreams with her
And turning them into reality hand in hand

Yes, you are in love…

Yet understanding after love
And staying in love after falling in love
Is a journey by itself
Much effort is needed
To establish common grounds
With acceptance of each other’s differences
Communication is the key to each other’s heart

Time passes
People grow, expectations change
Keeping in pace with each other is necessary
Otherwise love can change and fade
All may be too late by then…

Cherish what you have today
Though tomorrow may be different
Let your loved one know you love her
It may take just a very simple act on your part
To keep the fire burning...

Stomach Flu

I am down with gastroenteritis or in layman term, stomach flu today. The pain around the stomach is so intense at times that I could just curl up and moan in pain, not to mention that I am having diarrhoea and feeling nauseous as well.

Do not know exactly why and how I got it, but my stomach started to be bloated late last night before I fell asleep. I also woke up near dawn feeling totally uncomfortable and was unable to go back to sleep.

Thought I would just be fine by the time I got to work. But I was weaker than I thought cos the bouts of pains got to me every now and then that I was struggling big time during my whole journey to work and at work.

Ended up seeing a doctor, came back home, took medicine and had slept at least 3 hours just now . However, the pain attacks got to me even when I was sleeping. Gosh…

Hope that I will get well from this real soon. I am flying to Bali for holiday this Friday evening, and I do not want to be a sick cat when I am supposed to enjoy myself.

Hmm, by the way, with the state that I am in, can I still do jogging or not? Ha ha...

A Terrible Week

It had been a week of anguish for me. Tiredness and stress engulfed the whole of me. I had never dreaded and resented a week as much as I did this time round. Last Friday to Sunday was my company big scale roadshow event, and my team had spent the whole week trying to get all the logistics in place so that it could run smoothly with minimum hiccups. Nightmare is too mild a word to describe how it was in this instance.

Other than this, I guess I had upset my entire timetable as well. I did not rest and sleep well for the past 2 weeks for whatever and many a reason, and I missed my usual routine of jogging, swimming and exercises too. Perhaps the lack of endorphins drove me crazy, so much so that my mind was clouded, and my brain was definitely much retarded.

Yet, I am glad to have some friends around who made the week better for me in one way or another. I appreciate all the warm gestures, be it a box of sweets to cheer me up, or a simple sms to ask how I am, or taking some precious time off your usual routine to be with me...

Nevertheless, the tormenting week is finally over. Now it is a brand new week for a brand new start. This week is definitely going to be better…I am going to make it to be.

I have resumed my jogging last night. Let’s hope that is a sign that everything will be back to normal for me…

Happy Birthday, R...

Brain is really malfunctioning these few days. Have been doing things that I should not, and it seems like my brain is slower and not thinking straight. Perhaps it is due to lack of sleep...

Anyway, it was a friend's birthday yesterday. This is a friend who has been with me for the past 3 years. Seems like very short a friendship, isn't it? Well, this is the man who has seen me in my best and my worst. Together with a bunch of great people, he stepped into my life back then when I was at a crossroad, lost and was searching desperately for an answer. Of course, some of them leave, some of us drift apart, but he and I are still great buddies.

He is there with a listening ear and shoulder when I am down and upset; he is there to celebrate my wins and share my victories. He is someone who reminds me of my strengths and merits when I somewhat forget; he is there to offer different points of views when I am stuck in my own beliefs; he is someone who sees me bigger than I see myself; he has more confidence and faith in me than I have in myself.

He is one of the few friends that I have given a very tough time. I am not exactly nice to him in many instances - niceness may not serve. I whack him for things that he screws up, or for things that he refuses to see and shift. I get impatient with him somewhat sometimes, and am straight in his face in my feedbacks to him. For the person he is, I do have higher expectations on him than others. But gosh, he can be one hell of a stubborn person who simply refuses to shift and move his butts!

It has been a journey with him - the ups and downs, the good and bad, and thus we have established certain unspoken understandings for each other. We know that we have the permission to give honest feedbacks and whack each other, and tat is for the good for the other person, nothing else.

This friend of mine is definitely a loyal friend to have. I know that he will always be around for me, and will not walk out of me even if I am down and under today. I thank him for his steady love for me, and all that he has done for me these few years. I am someone not good with words - I do not vocalize a lot of my feelings or mushy stuff. But I do appreciate all that he is and has been for me.

My Loves

I love rainy days
They make me relaxed
They make me lazy
Such coziness and indulgence

I love cold weather
The idea of snuggling under a blanket
Sharing a cup of hot cocoa trills me
It seems so ... heartwarming

I love late nights
Serenity fills the space
Thoughts can flow freely
Speeches unrestricted

I love the stars
They represent hopes
Twinkling brightly in the night
So pretty they are

I love the sea
So vast it seems
Making my problems
And my existence so small
That nothing seems unsolvable

I love the sun
It makes me feel cheery
The brightness of the sunrays
Shone through my face
Warming the frail heart of mine

I love you too
With you in my life
Makes my everyday
So much better
In all little ways
That you may not even realise

Love it all...

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?