Windy Night

It was such a windy night yesterday... It reminded me of Byron Bay... the day when I was waiting eagerly for the awesome sunrise with my mates. Too bad the stars were missing; otherwise, it would be such an endearing night.

The fantastic weather made the run so much more enjoyable - cooler, easier and more comfy. It is one of those rare occasions where my mind did not wander too far off to focus on issues in my life during a run. I was simply running, and that was about it...

So... the weather does have a part to play on the way I do a jog.... just like it will have a part in my moods??

Strain?

Once there is a strain on a relationship, it can never be the same ever again?

Just like a cracked mirror... no matter how hard I try to mend or make good, the cracks will always be there. Perhaps the cracks may not be so obvious; however, it will never be as 'flawless' as it once was.

Of course, I can try to make the relationship better. Yet, it takes both hands to clap. One-sided effort will never quite work out, isn't it? Not to mention that there are so many other factors that determine the make or break of it.

But at the end of it all, whether it is worth all the effort or not, I think it is a personal choice. It really depends on who the person is and his or her importance to me. For some, they can simply be discarded in the garbage bin once and for all. Yet for some selected few, no matter what they have done or what happens, the love for them is always unaffected.

I'm not out to please everyone in the whole wide world and can never achieve that as well. If you happen to fall into a category that I don’t give a darn or can't be bothered more, do not try to be funny. Have you ever seen how a cat reacts when it feels threatened? I will be like tat if you ever invade into my space and step on my toes… Haha…

Auntie

Think I am really becoming an auntie…

I am getting more and more pro in buying things like groceries, CNY goodies and decorations. For the past few years, CNY is a time for me to get busy with getting all these stuff, not my mom…

Since many years ago, I have also been very involved in getting items like pillows, wardrobes, beds, electric appliances, paints…The list goes on… I think you get the idea.

I am not getting good and having more time to go shopping for stuff like clothes or accessories to make myself look pretty pretty lor. Caught me during a weekend, and you will know how nua I can be.

Not to say if I walk around a little bit more, and I will be worn out with legs and back aching, eyes closing...

All these are signs of aging huh?

Certainly getting less desirable … (Never attractive to start off with already…!!)

Sweet young things… are what men always look for …

Not an ugly old auntie in the making…

*Shake head in exasperation*

原来

我以为没关系
我以为无所谓
也以为放得下
原来不然

原来如此的脆弱
原来如此的渺小
原来那么的不堪一击

太高估自己了

Past Mistake

It is a nightmare to have past events/experiences to come back to haunt.

Thought that time has passed, many things are forgotten, dust has settled, feelings are handled... and life has moved on…

Only to be reminded of it by some events or some people.

This feeling is so...suffocating, frightening and overwhelming.

One can never make a mistake in life, especially a grave one, isn't it? Otherwise, once committed, there may be no turning back anymore… there is no 2nd chance given… and it may leave an inerasable stain in one's life forever.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Was talking to my wandering friend over msn yesterday. We were just chatting...and then we started to talk about the light at the end of the tunnel.

The conversation of the tunnel is somewhat like this:

Me: There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Him: The light at the end...
Me: Just that sometimes the tunnel seems very long, and the light is nowhere to be seen.
Me: So it can get very discouraging.
Him: As a civil engineer...
Him: You can dig a hole to the top...
Me: With nothing on hand, how to? But when I am desperate, I think I will try! Haha…

The main gist that I am trying to say is...my dear friend offers a good alternative - when I got tired of walking towards the end of the tunnel, I should just dig a hole to the top to get out of it... Dun need to keep walking along the tunnel... So there is more than one way to see light after darkness!

But what if... the tunnel is right under a mountain like Mt Everest? How long will the digging take?! Can it be dug in the first place? :-O

At times...

Yearning for more hugs, attention and TLC at times like this…

Such an immature big kid, aren’t I?

Or I am simply too … weak & hopeless…?

What am I pretending not to know?

:-O

Whichever?

Sense and sensibility
Rationality and feelings
Which one to listen to?

Actions and decisions
Results and consequences
How prepared am I?

Thoughtfulness and selfishness
Others or myself
Can it be best of both worlds?

To hurt or to be hurt
To love or to be loved
Need I choose?

Responsibility and commitment
Passion and affection
Complementary or opposing?

Vulnerability and emotions
Expressions and thoughts
To display or to conceal?

Black and white
With shades of grey
Can it ever be so clear?


[Others it has to be
Selfish it should not be
Be clear is not a choice
Be strong is a must...]

Shoes...?

You took a look at it. You think it is nice. You gave it a try. You think it was fabulous. You think it suited you. You decided it was worth a shot. Thus you paid. You brought the pair of shoes home. You are satisfied with your choice.

You saw others wearing the same pair of shoes one fine day. They seems pretty and comfy. You affirmed that you did make a great buy.

Then came the special day - you wore the new pair of shoes out.

Slowly, but surely, all the problems started to surface. You realised that they bite. They caused you to have blisters. They hurt your feet. They wore out your toes. They kept slipping out. You were almost limping in them. Suddenly, your choice did not seem that fantastic anymore...

Others commented that they looked very nice. However, they did not know how much pain they have inflicted on your poor feet. And because you wanted to look pretty, you insisted on wearing them the whole day.

Yet, after struggling for one long day, what will you do? Are you going to give that pair of shoes another chance? Will you ever wear them again?

Or you think that they are too new, so it is only usual that they are uncomfortable? As such, you went to buy the heel cushions and shields to make better the situation.

What if you decide to give the shoes a 2nd chance and wore them again with all the "preventions" in place, only to realise that they still gave you the same problems? Then what is next? A 3rd or 4th chance?

Do you think they will eventually be seasoned and grow on your feet after a few more wears? Or will you get used to the pain, thus continue to wear the shoes anyway? Or because you have paid for them, you just would not let them go to waste? Or you know that as pretty as they may look, they are not for you, and ought to be discarded to save you all the agony?

What would you choose to do?

Such irritating pair of shoes…

Another Attempt?

How about a goal for me to attempt the full marathon this year end again?

Too little a time, too many a commitment, too hasty a decision, too much a stretch, too ill-disciplined a mind…?

Many considerations…

So what think you?

Awareness

"Awareness is the practice of staying awake moment to moment: to be fully present, and available to every moment to choose deliberately. Your awareness in the moment can transform each challenging life moment and situation into a new beginning for you. Practice awareness leads to authentic inner change, and this is synonymous with being in charge of your happiness, freedom and destiny. Increase awareness, and you will attract to yourself higher events and opportunities."

Complacency, laziness and automatic are the greatest enemies to awareness? It has to be a constant effort to be aware and to choose...

Patience + Tolerance

Can someone teach me patience and tolerance? Think I need that very badly now... Otherwise, the frustrations will drive me mad pretty soon.. :(

The issue lies with me, isn't it? For things that I can close one eye and tolerate, I should. Matters should not be taken so seriously - if it can be passed, it should. If not, I am making life more difficult for myself than it should be.

I need to shift... I need to adjust my expectations and attitudes... so that all can be made simpler... It is a lesson that I badly need to learn huh?

Or… what?

Can someone show me an easier way?

My wish always is to have someone in my life who can show me the ways. Lead and I will be led.

I am plain lazy, u may want to call it. At times, I just want easier ways to walk through events in my life, and learn without paying such a high price...

Risk...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, has nothing and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, grow, feel, change, love, live. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.

So have you taken a risk today?

Have you risked laughing or weeping?

When was the last time you expressed your feelings or reached out for another?

When did you last let someone into your heart, understand the inner you and know the true you? Perhaps you would say why there is a need to. My question is why not? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone(s) whom you can relate to, where you can just be yourself without fear of being judged, knowing that no matter what happen, he/she will always root for you…? Idealistic? Or it can be a reality? Are you willing to risk trusting someone else again?

Have you given a try in things that you have been always thinking of? If not, why not? Is there ever a right time? Is there ever a perfect day? Is there ever a moment that everything will just fall in place? Or you got to be the one to make it happen? To risk failure...but do it anyway…

Insecurity

Insecurity… This word is driving me nuts recently.

Because I’m insecure, every little action that someone else takes, I question, I wonder, and I imagine the worst of the situation or that person. Everything that happens may be and can be a threat to me even if it is not and will never be. I keep looking for assurance and affirmation in words, actions or results externally, so as to satisfy that niggling voice of inadequacy inside me…

There are a million things that we can be insecure about - self worth, financial status, power and position, looks, abilities and capabilities, our importance in another person’s heart…the list just goes on and on.

I suppose insecurities are compounded and stemmed out of past experiences, which translates into beliefs and thus the lack of confidence and deficiency in assurance. As such, when things happen, we get touchy, we become unhappy, we think otherwise of a situation. On top of that, we continually seek out external sources to affirm our own worth and contributions. We forget about intimacy (which translates= into-me-see), we forget insecurity are from within, not external driven…and that at the end of it all, we got to handle these conversations internally and from the roots.

Truthfully, I have my own fair share of insecurity too... (A long list, perhaps?! Haha!) Don’t you too? Thus I also need some words of assurance, some given confidence and some borrowed faith many a time...

Yet, I must say that too much insecurity can drive all others nuts. I personally find it a very big stretch to keep managing someone’s else insecurities every time if it happens very often or worse, day in and day out. I have to be careful with my words; I need to be mindful of every action that I take; I got to be very sensitive to every big or small movement the other person takes… That… is really a bit too much for me to swallow. Too suffocating, restrictive, and frustrating!

I wonder was I ever such a nightmare to someone’s else in my life. If I ever was, I ought to stab myself for it.

And I certainly hope I will never be…such a monster…

If I am, please just kill me…

Craving for Prawn Mee

Prawn Mee...Yum Yum....

Yet to satisfy this sudden craving of mine....Din have any prawn mee this year yet... There are a few places that I like their prawn mee particularly...

I used to be able to have Kallang prawn mee for lunches in the past. Cos my lunch time was more flexible, and it was nearer to get there from my ex company… Not to mention that I got kakis.... I went with my ex colleagues twice last year too. I made them go with me, and they were always nice enough to oblige, of course. ;P ... Hot weather, hot and crowded place, sweat like anything, but the prawn mee is really sedap there!!

Hmm, I must satisfy this craving of mine one of these days… Should wait for my guardian angel to make his appearance to bring me there…

Yum yum... *drooling*

Me: Let me find that guardian angel first ah…

U: Huh? Prawn mee needs what guardian angel? Just go!

Me: Guardian angels always make my wishes come true mah... They are supposed to be around always...

U: But this is JUST prawn mee leh! Crazy woman!

Me: ... ... ... ... :( :(

I am getting more and more crappy. Haha…

A Run...Your Style

Did you ever do a run? Have you ever attempted a race?

Did you complete it? Or you drop out halfway? Or you never even start it at all?

If you did run, what is your style? Are you the "slow and steady, win the race" runner? Or you are the sprinter type who gives it all till you cross the finishing line?

Or you are someone who started too fast, only to lose steam halfway through it?

Or you are one that has difficulty starting, but get more and more gear up as you run?

When the going gets tough, when your physical body tells you that it cannot go on, what did you do? Is it a mind-over-body matter? Or you let your tiredness consumes the whole of you? What conversations go through your mind? Do you give in to the angel or the devil in your brain when it is crunch time?

If this is the last lap of the run, do you slack and slow down, or do you give it an additonal burst of energy to cross the finishing line in glory?

So what is your style?

Do you ever run?

Do you have a starting line for yourself, with the end point in your mind and within your sight?

Lunch Today

I had lunch with a friend today. She is a mentor to me, and yes, she used to be a life coach , supporting many individuals to excel in their own individual areas. And I am proud to say that I am one of those that she have coached - she was there to highlight my limiting beliefs; she was there to challenge my conversations; she was there to support me when I have my breakdowns; she was there to empower so that I can spread my wings and soar.

She is certainly someone that I respect and look up to. In her 40s, she is experienced, steadfast and powerful. Someone once said to me that we two are very similar in characters and thinking- she is like a more mature version of me. Perhaps…there is some truth to that? Well…

Anyway, it was nice catching up with her over lunch. It was 2 Sat ago, in a X’mas dinner gathering at one of the homes, that we agreed for lunch these 1-2 weeks.

I thought the lunch today would be more about me again… However, it turned out not. Instead, she shared with me what’s up in her life, the reflections that she had done over the past four days, the breakdowns she had last year, the goals that she had set for herself this year, and some issues that came up for her in area of relationship, family and personal development etc. In the end, I was the one throwing some questions for her to think about, offering my 2 cents worth of thoughts, and highlighting some points of views that she might have overlooked.

Well, come to think of it, I wonder if I was making sense this afternoon. Talking to someone who has seen more in life than I did, is so powerful in her own ways, and an experienced life coach, I question how much I can contribute.

Yet, no matter how powerful we each may be, we usually have our own blind spots, and it may take another to point that out?

Nevertheless, I am glad that she is willing to be so open and vulnerable with me. It is a sign of trust and bond. For that, I am indeed very delighted.

Even though I may not be able to offer much, I am most glad to be at least there to listen, so that she may get clarity in the process.

I will be more than happy to know that I can be in contribution… if I could in any way…

A Brand New Year, 2007

What did you do to welcome 2007?

I did a simple countdown yesterday. Went out in 4s, one of whom is my brother…It was his birthday yesterday. Thus I got him at 11pm to go to Holland Village. We all had decided to give the town and other countdown places a miss, as the crowd could be suffocating…

We ended up at Breko at 11+pm. Surprisingly, we still managed to get a cosy place tucked in a corner… We were simply spoilt for choices when it came to choosing food...



Ordered a piece of tiramisu for my brother. It was already 11:40pm when the cake was served.

This is the cake…Just a small piece…Of cos, we sung the birthday song loud and clear!



However, with 3 guys around, it is hard not to order alot of food... Burger, potato wedges, buffalo wings, coffee, tea, ice-blended... Such late night indulgence... Certainly the best way to get fat is eating so much in the middle of a late night! *shake head*



When midnight approached, everyone was in the highs - many from the pubs and cafes were out on the streets to welcome 2007, going wild with the given party poppers, sparklers etc. Laughter, joy and cheers filled the air…and that was contagious…

And the damage done to our bulging stomach? See the remains of our food….



A quiet way of welcoming a new year… Yet, we were all pretty entertained by one another’s hilarious acts and crappy talks. Need not be with the crowds, need not do something special, need not be at somewhere happening… Most enjoyable things are most often, the simple things in life…

Today - the first day of 2007. What are you doing, and have you done today?

Yes, it is just the start of a new year, however, thieves of time are lurking... Thus do what your heart desires… Wait no longer...