Truth?

Isn't it true that sometimes it is better for us not to know the truth?

In that sense, at least we can deceive ourselves … that things are still fine,

… find excuses of all sorts to justify what has happened,

… and cling on to some hopes that things are not exactly what they seem to be …

Ignorance can be bliss… knowing too much is a burden…

Once you know, you can no longer feign ignorance…

Truth may just hurt too…

...

When words delude
And fail to connote
Can silence trail
Every thought in the lode?

When pining swells
To take off every breath
And melt every bit
Can your presence be felt?

When affection explodes
Running wild to explore
And trample any sense
What is left to sane?

... ...

A Knock at the Door

A friend sent this link to me. And he is right... I do like this...

Rekindle the magic in the heart... just like the ever familiar fairy tales that we so often read and heard about when young.

The dreams, the hopes, and the faith... Open up the heart to feel, experience and receive...

For a much clearer version, click here.

Today, tomorrow, next week, next mth...

Finally, the long CNY public holiday is coming to an end.

Tomorrow is the start of another working day. The thought of it makes me blue. It is not so much about work itself, but it is about being back at a place where I need to face certain people who simply make life difficult for me.

On top of that, there is no public holiday in the month of Mar to look forward to…

And I start to miss my holidays. How I wish I can be somewhere out there for a break, so as to get away from all that is here, and to relax, be at peace, experience life, and simply be with the nature and the place itself.

However, due to many factors, holidays may not happen in the short run…

Nevertheless, I figure a little positivity goes a long way…I will remind myself of that…

"Happy Birthday!"

Oh ya, tomorrow is the birthday of someone very special in my life.

Found out his birthday by chance actually. Haha.

He is a very fantastic man, full of love, sensitivity and passion. Perhaps expressing is not his forte, yet, one can experience all of him in his ways of being and actions. A responsible and committed man, he always puts his folks as priority. In his own ways, he shines among the crowd, and is so endearing. I am just glad that our paths have crossed...

To him, tomorrow is just another day - nothing special, nothing to shout about, nothing to celebrate…

Whichever, I just want to wish him “Happy Birthday!”… I hope he will have a superb time tomorrow, no matter whoever he is with, whatever he is doing.

These 2 days...

Have been sleeping at wee hour these 2 days. Do not need to get up early the next day, thus the luxury to stay awake late… Time seems to be on an accelerated mode in the night, dunno why.

I have been watching my Korean drama series vcds these few days. As usual, the plot is so sad…

Oh, did I say that I have been dreaming of the same person for the past 3 days? :-O Brain is malfunctioning perhaps. Whichever, since I cannot control it, I should let it be.

And did I also say that I thought today is Sunday? I was very puzzled when my hp alarm went off at 6.50am this morning. I thought my hp has gone haywired! It took me quite awhile to realize that today is Mon. My mind simply cannot register why today is Mon! *Shrug* Perhaps it is CNY, and the mind is also on holidays, hence all the confusion. Haha.

Anyway, I still should cherish these few days of CNY and the break. Once over, it can never be retrieved…

First Day of Chinese New Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

First day of the piggy year!

As usual, it is a peaceful Chu Yi for me ... I am usually at home on this day. Visiting, if any, will only happen on the 2nd day.

We made a very rushed trip to Esplanade yesterday night to catch the fireworks at midnight. We were just about on time. A full 10 minutes of fireworks display…It was a spectacular sight, of course. They are always so breathtaking… I simply love them… Just that they are always so short-lived and the crowd is always so scary…

And today, I chose to bath my cats, so that they can be clean, soft and smelling nice on CNY.. :-P As usual, they turn into such evil monsters whenever I attempt to bath them! It is always an effort to make them clean. They gave me a few scratches as CNY present. And my mind went to an off mode suddenly too that I poured the hot water directly on my left hand. Hopeless, ain’t I?

And my lower back still hurts… :(

Btw, I have been gobbling down all the CNY goodies that I can lay my hands on. Such fattening indulgence! I am too much a greedy pig…so simply cannot resist them! If someday you cannot grab me by my waist, please pardon me… Wahaha!

Expectations

When there is no expectation, every little good thing that happens is a bonus, a pleasant surprise that may bring on a delighted smile.

Yet when expectations set in, it becomes a different ball game. Disappointment sets in more often than not when things do not go the way it “should” be. The so-called bonus may now be a shortfall instead...

Of course, it can only disappoint or hurt when it matters.

But we are not saints… how not to have expectations?

Hurtful Love

Recently, I have been acting like Aunt Agony or something, listening to a few whom shared with me their most recent relationships. One shares how she is badly hurt in the relationship, how hard it is for her to let go, how certain words and acts have hurt her, and the foolish things that she has done; the other tells me how he handled and ended the relationship simply because the so-called love feeling is no longer there and that he does not wish to drag it much longer. He just suddenly ignited the shock bomb on a day, and left the girl bewildered and hurt...which I screwed him for being so selfish.

All in the name of Love, people are caught in acts of folly and irrationality, causing unnecessary hurts, pains and scars that can be permanent…

No right or wrong...there is never a clear definite line… though there can always be better ways to handle it, I suppose.

Such a powerful and unexplainable double-edged sword...

Why?

I wonder how come I am feeling so much on some days recently.

When certain suppressed or repressed feelings can no longer be kept down or compartmentalized, they will come together with some other emotions and thoughts.

And the surge is so strong that I can be drowned.

At times, I question whether I am really strong, or I am just putting up a strong front.

Such honesty… haha…

Am I Ok?

Am I ok?

If you ever do ask me this question, what kind of answer do you expect from me?

If I said I am, would you believe me? Would you simply buy that? Then, what's next?

If I said I am not, what can you do?

Can you be in my position to handle my issues? Or you will ask how I am every now and then? Or…?

If I am alive and kicking, am I ok?

If I am down and under, but I will still move on, is that considered ok?

If I am feeling upset, moody, frustrated or tired, am I not ok?

If my thoughts are running negatively wild, is that not ok too?

If all I want is you to be around when I need it, is that too much to ask?

Yet, if you ever do ask, I thank you for your concern and love.

Do not be too concerned. All I can say is…

“I will ultimately handle what I need to handle, be it I like it or not, easy or hard.”

Sat 10022007

Met up with Zac Zac for lunch today at Vivo. It was great seeing him again. It has been awhile since he is back from Sydney. In this short trip home, he got his schedule packed - busy man is trying to catch up with as many friends possible. Of course, he is a sweet man - he brought Arnott's shortbread cream biscuits back! :P

If you ever get to know Zac Zac, he is such a fantastic guy - easy-going, friendly, humorous, witty, fun… The list just goes on... So he is popular man definitely, which is apparent in his tight schedule whenever he is back . And I suddenly realise that I have known him for more than 10 years already! :-O Fate is a funny thing indeed. We were in the same school for only 3 months back then, not to mention he went to Sydney to study after he completed his studies here. As such, we never had a lot of interactions then. On top of that, he is always in a faraway land now. Yet, somehow, I feel closer to him than some people whom I always see…. Unexplainable stuff…*shrug*

Managed to have some quiet moments by myself too. Landed myself in a relatively quiet Coffee Bean in the early evening and had a cup of iced tea while flipping through some magazines. It is a rarity that I can grab moments like this.

Went for a 10km jog just now as well. It was a long overdue and much needed run. So much thoughts flashed through during this run... Clearer mind after the run? There is no answer for this question. But... I definitely do not feel as pent up.

Upset

I am very upset certainly. Things are getting out of hand, and coupled with few other issues, I have reached my limit.

Fighting very hard to hold back the tears here. Ought to be smacked for being so weak. Ought to be slapped for not being able to stand tall... To crumple is the last thing I should allow myself...

However, "this shall pass"... This I know... I should chant this till it sinks in all the way and become a reality.

The Power

Decided to "own" this post, if you know what I mean. So did some amendments to the nouns.

Amended 8 Feb ___________________________________________

Isn't it amazing how much hold some people may have over you ?

I am.

Some people, whatever they say, whatever they do, you I can simply ignore, shut down, or bite them back. Nothing may get to you me because who cares about people not important to you me?

Yet for some others, one sentence, one gesture, one look from them... carries so much weight. It may be enough to make your my day, to spur you me on, or it can hurt like crazy and throw you me into total gloom.

This is where my vulnerability has already set in. Do not abuse it. It is too delicate to be mistreated…

The power of indivduals you + (overly) sensitivity of a mind = unexpected effects ...?

我和你...

虽然将来会成风
有从前还是好的

让今天和昨天
填满心中的那份感激

试着让昨日的感慨
随着微风荡漾而逝

也让今晚的月光
叙述一切吧

To Know or Not to Know?

Truth is the answer?
Seek nothing but that?
No more wild guesses chases
No more mind wandering wonders
Yet the truth may be a bullet
Piercing through the frail heart
Consequences are a guess too

Or to be in the dark is better?
Ignorance is bliss
Bliss is innocent
If deception can be for a lifetime
That can be taken as the truth?
Is that naively plain?
Or plainly naive?

To know or not to know?
To find out or to leave it?
If switching off is like a switch
Choice would be much simpler?

Coward...

"I am a coward."

I said this to someone very recently. And this phrase popped into my mind again.

And I think I am.

For things/events that I have very bad experiences with before, I am fearful. This fear can engulf me so much so that I am scared to attempt them again. All I want is to get as far away from them as possible.

When I am in the process of going through it, I will survive – grit my teeth and fight/ last to the end. Quitting is not in my dictionary there and then. But thereafter, due to the fact that I tried so hard, and the journey is so tough and dark, I would never want to try it ever again. From then on, I am on a constant run track to escape from it...

That is really bad, isn't it? I should not use past experiences as a guide to what and how it can be. Every experience should start on a fresh new page. Yet, it is so tough to do that when certain beliefs have already set in...

Call forth the courage... n yet it may go into hiding...

So… a coward I am.

Today

The atrocious me decided to play punk today - I ran away from work. I am such an irresponsible and difficult-to-handle worker, isn't it?

Eyes can hardly open lah. Feeling very tired. Wonder what are the causes of it... Is it because I have been sleeping late every night? I have been out too often? The everyday mental battle is too much? Or all these are just excuses for NOT going to work?

Yet, when I do not need to work, I seem to have lotsa energy for any other thing. What an irony! Haha…

Have been getting a lot of pimples recently too. They are indeed such a pain. They are not a common sight on my face, by the way. Thus a few of them are considered really a lot already.

Nevertheless, today is meant to be enjoyed, be it alone or with someone else. So let it be that. :)