RSS Feed (xml)
I always remembered this scene. It was just after my Econ 'S' paper A level exam, and I was walking through my school covered walkway out to the bus stop before I saw a familiar face. It was him, my bf then. My first bf. He was waiting for me, grinning from ear to ear when he saw me. Ain't I surprised when I saw him. He passed me something when I was standing next to him. It was a necklace with a bear pendant. Maybe I did tell him before that I adore bears. Or maybe he simply made a wild guess... Tha was his first gift as a bf to me.
I also remembered our first V’day together. It was a very simple one. We were at marine promenade, by the river. He bashfully gave me a Tasmania T-shirt (my fav Toons character), a card and a nice bottle filled with 149 origami pigs, which he had painstakingly done using bus tickets. I taught him how to do it before... and he secretly made those hundred pigs for me. Such great effort and sweetness for a man with 'rough' hands.
Seems like yesterday that all these were happening, yet many long years had passed since then. Isn't it a miracle that I still can remember them so vividly today? By the way, I still have the pendant and the bottle of pigs (not forgetting the card, of course) with me. Never thought of returning them back to him, and I never wanted to.
Our relationship, though weathered through a lot of ups and downs, had changed over the years back then. Personally, I do think he had loved me a lot then, pampering me in his own little ways that he knew how... However, maybe my expectations changed, maybe our vision no longer met at a common point, maybe ... and I think our killer was our communication – it failed terribly then. I swept much of my feelings and issues under the carpet, thinking that I should not make a big fuss over them. Yet, slowly and unknowingly, all these small things piled up and got to me. He too, had not said a lot of things...
Subsequently, all I can remember was the dark period when the whole issue just blew up. The struggles, the trying, the heart pain etc were too intense for me to handle properly. This dragged on for a pretty long while and it was scary. Yet, secretly, I always hung on to a glimpse of hope that things might work out for us eventually. However, reality and hopes might not meet at times, and yes, we did not manage to make it happen.
It took me a long while to be ok with this. It is so hard for me to let go, especially I am talking about someone that I once loved so much and had shared so much with for so many years. Everywhere I tread, it may remind me of him and the days we were together. I am unwilling to forgive myself for not being able to see the relationship through. It pained me to know that he is painful. I blamed myself for not doing more. I was upset for not being good enough as a gf...
Years had passed, and I figure we have moved on individually. We lead our own lives, and have different directions, friends and lifestyles now. However, it can never be erased that my ex had certainly made a great difference in my growing up years. He had been my strength of support and we had lotsa fun and memories together. I am still ever sensitive to his thoughts and needs even if we meet up as friends now. His smile is still ever so cute, his righteousness is still so strong, and his carefree nature is still so contagious…
I also remembered our first V’day together. It was a very simple one. We were at marine promenade, by the river. He bashfully gave me a Tasmania T-shirt (my fav Toons character), a card and a nice bottle filled with 149 origami pigs, which he had painstakingly done using bus tickets. I taught him how to do it before... and he secretly made those hundred pigs for me. Such great effort and sweetness for a man with 'rough' hands.
Seems like yesterday that all these were happening, yet many long years had passed since then. Isn't it a miracle that I still can remember them so vividly today? By the way, I still have the pendant and the bottle of pigs (not forgetting the card, of course) with me. Never thought of returning them back to him, and I never wanted to.
Our relationship, though weathered through a lot of ups and downs, had changed over the years back then. Personally, I do think he had loved me a lot then, pampering me in his own little ways that he knew how... However, maybe my expectations changed, maybe our vision no longer met at a common point, maybe ... and I think our killer was our communication – it failed terribly then. I swept much of my feelings and issues under the carpet, thinking that I should not make a big fuss over them. Yet, slowly and unknowingly, all these small things piled up and got to me. He too, had not said a lot of things...
Subsequently, all I can remember was the dark period when the whole issue just blew up. The struggles, the trying, the heart pain etc were too intense for me to handle properly. This dragged on for a pretty long while and it was scary. Yet, secretly, I always hung on to a glimpse of hope that things might work out for us eventually. However, reality and hopes might not meet at times, and yes, we did not manage to make it happen.
It took me a long while to be ok with this. It is so hard for me to let go, especially I am talking about someone that I once loved so much and had shared so much with for so many years. Everywhere I tread, it may remind me of him and the days we were together. I am unwilling to forgive myself for not being able to see the relationship through. It pained me to know that he is painful. I blamed myself for not doing more. I was upset for not being good enough as a gf...
Years had passed, and I figure we have moved on individually. We lead our own lives, and have different directions, friends and lifestyles now. However, it can never be erased that my ex had certainly made a great difference in my growing up years. He had been my strength of support and we had lotsa fun and memories together. I am still ever sensitive to his thoughts and needs even if we meet up as friends now. His smile is still ever so cute, his righteousness is still so strong, and his carefree nature is still so contagious…
No matter how the world may revolve next time, he would still be someone special to me in his own little ways. Maybe he would never know about this, but I guess it does not matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment