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A dreaming night yesterday
Where thoughts manifested into dreams
Must be my mind too unsettled
Brain too active
And perhaps too stressed
Dreaming of things that are going to happen
In different possible scenarios
I must be thinking too much
Woke up today like I had never slept
N my 'mood' continues today...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
A Hug
Are words good enough?
Or a picture speak a thousand words?
Or a touch say it all?
Think I want and need a big hug today.
Any taker?
*roll eyes?*
Haha..
Or a picture speak a thousand words?
Or a touch say it all?
Think I want and need a big hug today.
Any taker?
*roll eyes?*
Haha..
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My Ex
I always remembered this scene. It was just after my Econ 'S' paper A level exam, and I was walking through my school covered walkway out to the bus stop before I saw a familiar face. It was him, my bf then. My first bf. He was waiting for me, grinning from ear to ear when he saw me. Ain't I surprised when I saw him. He passed me something when I was standing next to him. It was a necklace with a bear pendant. Maybe I did tell him before that I adore bears. Or maybe he simply made a wild guess... Tha was his first gift as a bf to me.
I also remembered our first V’day together. It was a very simple one. We were at marine promenade, by the river. He bashfully gave me a Tasmania T-shirt (my fav Toons character), a card and a nice bottle filled with 149 origami pigs, which he had painstakingly done using bus tickets. I taught him how to do it before... and he secretly made those hundred pigs for me. Such great effort and sweetness for a man with 'rough' hands.
Seems like yesterday that all these were happening, yet many long years had passed since then. Isn't it a miracle that I still can remember them so vividly today? By the way, I still have the pendant and the bottle of pigs (not forgetting the card, of course) with me. Never thought of returning them back to him, and I never wanted to.
Our relationship, though weathered through a lot of ups and downs, had changed over the years back then. Personally, I do think he had loved me a lot then, pampering me in his own little ways that he knew how... However, maybe my expectations changed, maybe our vision no longer met at a common point, maybe ... and I think our killer was our communication – it failed terribly then. I swept much of my feelings and issues under the carpet, thinking that I should not make a big fuss over them. Yet, slowly and unknowingly, all these small things piled up and got to me. He too, had not said a lot of things...
Subsequently, all I can remember was the dark period when the whole issue just blew up. The struggles, the trying, the heart pain etc were too intense for me to handle properly. This dragged on for a pretty long while and it was scary. Yet, secretly, I always hung on to a glimpse of hope that things might work out for us eventually. However, reality and hopes might not meet at times, and yes, we did not manage to make it happen.
It took me a long while to be ok with this. It is so hard for me to let go, especially I am talking about someone that I once loved so much and had shared so much with for so many years. Everywhere I tread, it may remind me of him and the days we were together. I am unwilling to forgive myself for not being able to see the relationship through. It pained me to know that he is painful. I blamed myself for not doing more. I was upset for not being good enough as a gf...
Years had passed, and I figure we have moved on individually. We lead our own lives, and have different directions, friends and lifestyles now. However, it can never be erased that my ex had certainly made a great difference in my growing up years. He had been my strength of support and we had lotsa fun and memories together. I am still ever sensitive to his thoughts and needs even if we meet up as friends now. His smile is still ever so cute, his righteousness is still so strong, and his carefree nature is still so contagious…
I also remembered our first V’day together. It was a very simple one. We were at marine promenade, by the river. He bashfully gave me a Tasmania T-shirt (my fav Toons character), a card and a nice bottle filled with 149 origami pigs, which he had painstakingly done using bus tickets. I taught him how to do it before... and he secretly made those hundred pigs for me. Such great effort and sweetness for a man with 'rough' hands.
Seems like yesterday that all these were happening, yet many long years had passed since then. Isn't it a miracle that I still can remember them so vividly today? By the way, I still have the pendant and the bottle of pigs (not forgetting the card, of course) with me. Never thought of returning them back to him, and I never wanted to.
Our relationship, though weathered through a lot of ups and downs, had changed over the years back then. Personally, I do think he had loved me a lot then, pampering me in his own little ways that he knew how... However, maybe my expectations changed, maybe our vision no longer met at a common point, maybe ... and I think our killer was our communication – it failed terribly then. I swept much of my feelings and issues under the carpet, thinking that I should not make a big fuss over them. Yet, slowly and unknowingly, all these small things piled up and got to me. He too, had not said a lot of things...
Subsequently, all I can remember was the dark period when the whole issue just blew up. The struggles, the trying, the heart pain etc were too intense for me to handle properly. This dragged on for a pretty long while and it was scary. Yet, secretly, I always hung on to a glimpse of hope that things might work out for us eventually. However, reality and hopes might not meet at times, and yes, we did not manage to make it happen.
It took me a long while to be ok with this. It is so hard for me to let go, especially I am talking about someone that I once loved so much and had shared so much with for so many years. Everywhere I tread, it may remind me of him and the days we were together. I am unwilling to forgive myself for not being able to see the relationship through. It pained me to know that he is painful. I blamed myself for not doing more. I was upset for not being good enough as a gf...
Years had passed, and I figure we have moved on individually. We lead our own lives, and have different directions, friends and lifestyles now. However, it can never be erased that my ex had certainly made a great difference in my growing up years. He had been my strength of support and we had lotsa fun and memories together. I am still ever sensitive to his thoughts and needs even if we meet up as friends now. His smile is still ever so cute, his righteousness is still so strong, and his carefree nature is still so contagious…
No matter how the world may revolve next time, he would still be someone special to me in his own little ways. Maybe he would never know about this, but I guess it does not matter.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Shayne Ward
I got hold of all the songs from his new album yesterday. Shayne Ward is the UK singer who was crowned the winner of The X Factor 2005. I got no idea who he is actually initially. However, I caught glimpses of him while I was viewing MTV channel 51 last week. Gosh, I fell in love with his song " That's My Goal" instantaneously, later to realise that was his record-breaking debut single. The song lyrics and tune are fantastic, plus he sung the song with so much emotions and passion... and he is, well uhm, so charming...His eyes speak words.
By a stroke of luck, my friend passed me his songs yesterday, asking me if I know Shayne Ward or not. Such coincidence, I saw another of his MTV " No Promises" at late night yesterday too. That is his second single. Needless to say, I was equally captivated by him in that MTV as well.
Was listening through his whole album this morning, and all I can say is... I Love It!! He has such a great vocal, bursting with feelings and gentleness that I can connect with his songs almost immediately. Maybe it is the songs selection in this album too, which most of the tunes are familiar songs - a remix from old songs.
Whatever the case may be, I am sure that I am going to listen to his songs again and again for a while! :)
By a stroke of luck, my friend passed me his songs yesterday, asking me if I know Shayne Ward or not. Such coincidence, I saw another of his MTV " No Promises" at late night yesterday too. That is his second single. Needless to say, I was equally captivated by him in that MTV as well.
Was listening through his whole album this morning, and all I can say is... I Love It!! He has such a great vocal, bursting with feelings and gentleness that I can connect with his songs almost immediately. Maybe it is the songs selection in this album too, which most of the tunes are familiar songs - a remix from old songs.
Whatever the case may be, I am sure that I am going to listen to his songs again and again for a while! :)
Monday, July 24, 2006
My Diving Weekend
Was away at Dayang for diving over the weekend. Diving is always very tiring, yet very interesting and fun. Diving opens up a whole new world for me, bringing me close to the wonders in the sea, letting me experience the freedom in water. It is an activity that allows me to go beneath the water surface to find amazing diversity of marine life. There is no talking and little noise except for an occasional tank banger sound to alert you to something. Breathing in water becomes a conscious effort, and for once, I am fully aware that I am alive and breathing.
Something was weighing on my mind when I set off for my trip on Friday, but I did figure that the trip would do me good. At least, I do know that when I am in water, I would just enjoy the serenity in water, and immerse myself in the rich marine life underwater.
It was a exceptional long cold wait at the jetty on Fri night till 4am before the tide was right for our boat to leave. I could not even remember if I did see stars that night or not. I also wondered why I chose this suffering over my comfy bed that night. With my earphones plucked into my ears, I was listening to my Ipod songs while trying very hard to steal some moments of sleep with little success. My mind was racing for thoughts then.
However, the dives were worth the effort, 'suffering' and waiting. I saw a lot of marine creatures, like turtle, moray eels, batfish, nudibranches, cuttlefishes, angelfishes, wrasses etc. The dives were simply great - you got to be there to know what I am talking about. With great company of kakis, the whole trip could simply be one of the best.
Something was weighing on my mind when I set off for my trip on Friday, but I did figure that the trip would do me good. At least, I do know that when I am in water, I would just enjoy the serenity in water, and immerse myself in the rich marine life underwater.
It was a exceptional long cold wait at the jetty on Fri night till 4am before the tide was right for our boat to leave. I could not even remember if I did see stars that night or not. I also wondered why I chose this suffering over my comfy bed that night. With my earphones plucked into my ears, I was listening to my Ipod songs while trying very hard to steal some moments of sleep with little success. My mind was racing for thoughts then.
However, the dives were worth the effort, 'suffering' and waiting. I saw a lot of marine creatures, like turtle, moray eels, batfish, nudibranches, cuttlefishes, angelfishes, wrasses etc. The dives were simply great - you got to be there to know what I am talking about. With great company of kakis, the whole trip could simply be one of the best.
Issues may still be unresolved... I was back late on sun night, feeling very exhausted as well. However, the satisfaction that I got from diving is enough to supersede all these physical tiredness and considerations, I guess…
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Words...
Words, words, words…
What say them?
Sentences they form
Language they make
To bridge the gap between you and me
Are they expressions of thoughts
Coupled with feelings and emotions
From mind, body and heart
In the most overt or covert ways
You can possibly make it to be
Choices of words you pick
What do they reflect about you?
A random chance
A coincidence
Or an implicit communication of your subconscious?
Words
Work wonder they do
Giving strength
Supporting minds
Healing hearts
Yet, they can bite you
Bend you
Break you
In ways unthinkable
Powerful weapons certainly
How much are you reading into them today?
What say them?
Sentences they form
Language they make
To bridge the gap between you and me
Are they expressions of thoughts
Coupled with feelings and emotions
From mind, body and heart
In the most overt or covert ways
You can possibly make it to be
Choices of words you pick
What do they reflect about you?
A random chance
A coincidence
Or an implicit communication of your subconscious?
Words
Work wonder they do
Giving strength
Supporting minds
Healing hearts
Yet, they can bite you
Bend you
Break you
In ways unthinkable
Powerful weapons certainly
How much are you reading into them today?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
..Again..
Thots of what is happening make me feel like puking now.
Not even angry anymore. Not even pissed.
Just feeling very...demoralised?
Just feeling very...demoralised?
Is that the right word?
Or just feeling low?
Here I'm trying so hard to make things happen
Here I'm trying so hard to make things happen
And some people are trying to make life more difficult for me than anything.
All those behind -the- back stunts.
All those unscrupulous acts.
That's so much about human being's dark side.
Not saying that I am innocent to this kind of things
In fact I got more than enough fair share of this before
Thus it is so amazing that I still can be so affected by it.
So much for all my trying...
So much for my effort...
And i got a taste of how all credits and efforts can be just easily erased
By another person's malicious words
...again....
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Office Politics
Do you find yourself as caught up in office politics? I always do, for one reason or another. Maybe I got the attitude face, maybe I am ‘threatening’, or maybe people just feel like killing me off just purely out of fun.
However, I am always pretty affected by politics and backstabbing. Isn’t it simpler if people maintain a clean and simple relationship? Why do we need to waste time trying to plot against someone, and just to climb at the expense of someone else?
I always think it is better if we can just get along well with one another and help one another along the way. At least the energy is diverted into channels that are more productive and effective. Rather than spending time to think about how you can backstab someone, you can use the time to think about things like how you can improve your current set-up etc.
I got sick of these ‘fighting’ pretty easy. Not to say that I cannot play politics, but I guess it is whether I want to or not. And of course, I am never offensive unless someone treads into my space. That is when I get pretty defensive.
Haiz, sometimes I do wish that relationships between people could be simpler - clean, direct and easy, and communication between 2 persons can be more open, real and true.
Maybe I am just dreaming in this instance.
However, I am always pretty affected by politics and backstabbing. Isn’t it simpler if people maintain a clean and simple relationship? Why do we need to waste time trying to plot against someone, and just to climb at the expense of someone else?
I always think it is better if we can just get along well with one another and help one another along the way. At least the energy is diverted into channels that are more productive and effective. Rather than spending time to think about how you can backstab someone, you can use the time to think about things like how you can improve your current set-up etc.
I got sick of these ‘fighting’ pretty easy. Not to say that I cannot play politics, but I guess it is whether I want to or not. And of course, I am never offensive unless someone treads into my space. That is when I get pretty defensive.
Haiz, sometimes I do wish that relationships between people could be simpler - clean, direct and easy, and communication between 2 persons can be more open, real and true.
Maybe I am just dreaming in this instance.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Definition of Affair
Was in the train to office this morning when this question suddenly popped into my mind: “ What is considered as an affair?”
Does it mean that there are physical involvements, or is it about emotional entanglement or it is a combination of both? Was checking the online dictionary for “love affair” and these are the meanings found: “ 1. a romantic relationship or episode between lovers; 2. an active enthusiasm for something”. So what does this mean if I apply it in this context?? Hmm…
Are physical attraction, lust and sexual involvements considered bad, or it is worse when there are feelings and emotions involved? Can one exist without the other? If yes, which is worse?
Is there ever a clear-cut answer to all these?
What is the stand that you would take?
Hmmm....
Does it mean that there are physical involvements, or is it about emotional entanglement or it is a combination of both? Was checking the online dictionary for “love affair” and these are the meanings found: “ 1. a romantic relationship or episode between lovers; 2. an active enthusiasm for something”. So what does this mean if I apply it in this context?? Hmm…
Are physical attraction, lust and sexual involvements considered bad, or it is worse when there are feelings and emotions involved? Can one exist without the other? If yes, which is worse?
Is there ever a clear-cut answer to all these?
What is the stand that you would take?
Hmmm....
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The Night
It is getting late in the night. Sitting in front of my pc, the music coming from my speakers seems loud... I can almost hear my own breathing if not for the music.
I love the late nights when all is quiet. With the music on, I can simply be in a world of my own. My emotions are led by the songs being played. Such indulgence...
I like walking in the late night too, especially when I am with someone (or a group) that I am comfortable with. I can just walk around aimlessly, enjoying the night serenity and sharing anything that may come to mind. Yet, I also enjoy it by sitting down, relaxing and enjoying a drink together under the starry night.
And talking about stars, I simply just adore them. Nothing can be as breathtaking than seeing the sky filled full with shining stars. Each twinkling star communicates a glimmer of hope. I love the feeling of laying down on an open field, gazing at the stars high up in the vast sky. Once awhile, if lady luck is on my side, I may catch glimpses of shooting stars too. Short-life they may be, yet they live the moment in spectacular. Of course, it will be most ideal if all can be accompanied with the rhythmic melody of the sea waves and the cooling breezes of the wind! :))
Sounds like I am a die-hard romantic, don’t I? But I am no more than a practical and down-to-earth person. Maybe these are nothing more than the things that I enjoy doing. Or perhaps this is the other side of me - the quieter and softer side…
I love the late nights when all is quiet. With the music on, I can simply be in a world of my own. My emotions are led by the songs being played. Such indulgence...
I like walking in the late night too, especially when I am with someone (or a group) that I am comfortable with. I can just walk around aimlessly, enjoying the night serenity and sharing anything that may come to mind. Yet, I also enjoy it by sitting down, relaxing and enjoying a drink together under the starry night.
And talking about stars, I simply just adore them. Nothing can be as breathtaking than seeing the sky filled full with shining stars. Each twinkling star communicates a glimmer of hope. I love the feeling of laying down on an open field, gazing at the stars high up in the vast sky. Once awhile, if lady luck is on my side, I may catch glimpses of shooting stars too. Short-life they may be, yet they live the moment in spectacular. Of course, it will be most ideal if all can be accompanied with the rhythmic melody of the sea waves and the cooling breezes of the wind! :))
Sounds like I am a die-hard romantic, don’t I? But I am no more than a practical and down-to-earth person. Maybe these are nothing more than the things that I enjoy doing. Or perhaps this is the other side of me - the quieter and softer side…
Friday, July 14, 2006
Regrets?
Do you often look back and regret what you have done? I was on this topic yesterday, and was giving it a further thought thereafter.
“ It is often the big decisions that I made that I regret”
“ If only I can turn back the clock, I will have done it differently”
“ If only I have done that (or that) back then…”
“ If only… how commonly that phrase is being used. But “if only” means it may not come true, isn’t it?
I often make mistakes, big and small. I beat myself up badly for that. I reflect. I shift. I try to learn from the experiences. I try to be better (hopefully) ...
Maybe it is all the wrong turns that get me to the right place.
A mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Best choices are always made at any one point in time, even though on hindsight, that may not seem to be the case.
Everything happens for a reason. For lessons that are not learnt, I would still be thrown in similar situations till I learn what I need to learn.
Looking at the bright side, at least I am always presented with choices. And I never know when an opportunity may come knocking by and things may all just fall nicely in place... not simply by chances of course, but by proactive creation and giving my best in everything that I set out to do ...
“ It is often the big decisions that I made that I regret”
“ If only I can turn back the clock, I will have done it differently”
“ If only I have done that (or that) back then…”
“ If only… how commonly that phrase is being used. But “if only” means it may not come true, isn’t it?
I often make mistakes, big and small. I beat myself up badly for that. I reflect. I shift. I try to learn from the experiences. I try to be better (hopefully) ...
Maybe it is all the wrong turns that get me to the right place.
A mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Best choices are always made at any one point in time, even though on hindsight, that may not seem to be the case.
Everything happens for a reason. For lessons that are not learnt, I would still be thrown in similar situations till I learn what I need to learn.
Looking at the bright side, at least I am always presented with choices. And I never know when an opportunity may come knocking by and things may all just fall nicely in place... not simply by chances of course, but by proactive creation and giving my best in everything that I set out to do ...
Thursday, July 13, 2006
An Extract that I like
Saw this article in 我报 today... and I like it...
Below is the extract:
“...不摘下项莲... 更多时候,是希望生命中会有什么东西， 能让我日复一日地坚持下去... 天气万变, 心情也阴晴有异 。 但是紫色珍珠， 还是静静地泛着紫色的光芒。它不耀眼， 但是没有关系; 它不夺目， 这也无妨。 耀眼与否， 取决的是自己的心情，究竟是什么颜色... 当然，问题常常是棘手的, 不好处理。 但是生活本是纷忧的学习过程, 面对的好，就是一种气质 ...”
Think there is no need for me to say more. The para should explain it, thou it is not about the necklace...
:)
Below is the extract:
“...不摘下项莲... 更多时候,是希望生命中会有什么东西， 能让我日复一日地坚持下去... 天气万变, 心情也阴晴有异 。 但是紫色珍珠， 还是静静地泛着紫色的光芒。它不耀眼， 但是没有关系; 它不夺目， 这也无妨。 耀眼与否， 取决的是自己的心情，究竟是什么颜色... 当然，问题常常是棘手的, 不好处理。 但是生活本是纷忧的学习过程, 面对的好，就是一种气质 ...”
Think there is no need for me to say more. The para should explain it, thou it is not about the necklace...
:)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
What's next?
“ Within you there is a stillness and sanctuary to which you can retreat at anytime and be yourself.”
Saw this quote on my daily calendar. And somehow it seems to ring a bell…
Was reading a friend’s blog and he said that he was feeling melancholic last week. Such coincidence, I am feeling down too. And like him, I can’t seem to get myself out of it as well. It is like a vicious circle. This moment I kept telling myself that I should not be so moody and to get out of it. It works, but not for long. I find myself back in the same space again not too long after.
I wonder how long this inner tussle is going to last. It is difficult when I got to keep convincing myself every time that things are bright and cheery. Mid-point checks drive me mad at times. Sometimes, the more I know, the unhappier I may be. No wonder people say that ignorance is bliss. Haiz.
Do not know where I am heading from here, and how things may turn out to be eventually. Neither do I know how long I will be in this frame of mind. All I know is that this is poisonous and it is cancerous, lest to say that it is energy sucking.
I need the stillness and sanctuary that I can retreat to. I need my clear mind to work.
What do I want? What is next?
Saw this quote on my daily calendar. And somehow it seems to ring a bell…
Was reading a friend’s blog and he said that he was feeling melancholic last week. Such coincidence, I am feeling down too. And like him, I can’t seem to get myself out of it as well. It is like a vicious circle. This moment I kept telling myself that I should not be so moody and to get out of it. It works, but not for long. I find myself back in the same space again not too long after.
I wonder how long this inner tussle is going to last. It is difficult when I got to keep convincing myself every time that things are bright and cheery. Mid-point checks drive me mad at times. Sometimes, the more I know, the unhappier I may be. No wonder people say that ignorance is bliss. Haiz.
Do not know where I am heading from here, and how things may turn out to be eventually. Neither do I know how long I will be in this frame of mind. All I know is that this is poisonous and it is cancerous, lest to say that it is energy sucking.
I need the stillness and sanctuary that I can retreat to. I need my clear mind to work.
What do I want? What is next?
Time to ask myself hard enough for the answers to surface.
Friday, July 07, 2006
一下下
Was listening to this song, and now I feel like crying. Or rather I feel like crying, and listening to this song makes me feel like letting my tears just drop freely.
Feeling emotional today. Feeling very vulnerable. Feeling just sad.
Can the tears just drop?
歌手：同恩 歌曲: 一下下
最后一班悬浮火车
满载悬在空气中的不舍
我们却像陌路旅客
在月台分开站着毫无牵扯
现在的我能说甚么
徘徊你们之间的流浪者
说决定心是给你的
却要你给我留下来的许可
我只想再哭一下下
把记忆彻底地分化
等哭完我就会回家
眼泪我会替自己擦
我只想再哭一下下
假如你不反对的话
以后我不会再牵挂
可知我有多努力啊
只有这办法才不再想他
希望你是谅解我的
感动过的痕迹很难割舍
一颗心就要爱你了
暂停一下并不算出尔反尔
我只想再哭一下下
把记忆彻底地分化
等哭完我就会回家
眼泪我会替自己擦
我只想再哭一下下
假如你不反对的话
以后我不会再牵挂
可知我有多努力啊
我只想再哭一下下
把记忆彻底地分化
等哭完我就会回家
眼泪我会替自己擦
我只想再哭一下下
假如你不反对的话
以后我不会再牵挂
可知我有多努力啊
只有这办法才不再想他
Only One Love?
Is there ever a rule that you only can love one person at any one time?
Love is never meant for one, isn’t it? Love is in abundance, and should be shared. We love our parents, our siblings, our friends and may love an animal or even a stranger… and the list will go on. Of course, we all will love our other half, if we do have, ya?
There has never been any written rule, or in psychology that we can only have one love at any time (or is there?). If so, then what is the whole issue about being faithful to your partner and stuff? Is that a virtue that everyone should have, or we are just selfish human beings, unwilling to share our loved one with another person, thus we set that as a ‘standard’?
Love is never meant for one, isn’t it? Love is in abundance, and should be shared. We love our parents, our siblings, our friends and may love an animal or even a stranger… and the list will go on. Of course, we all will love our other half, if we do have, ya?
There has never been any written rule, or in psychology that we can only have one love at any time (or is there?). If so, then what is the whole issue about being faithful to your partner and stuff? Is that a virtue that everyone should have, or we are just selfish human beings, unwilling to share our loved one with another person, thus we set that as a ‘standard’?
Hmm, I also wonder…
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Moody Mood
Weather forecast: Cloudy with rain
This is my mood today, and it suddenly hits me all together today.
I am someone who takes pride in the things that I am doing. I always try to ensure that tasks and projects are properly done, to the best of my effort. I will try to anticipate problems and prevent them from arising if possible. One thing for sure, I have done what I can, and I’m positive that I did not do a bad job.
Perhaps I believe in fairness - being properly rewarded and recognized for results and efforts. However, from the way I see it, I am not getting all these. I do not mean to be unhappy about this, yet I can’t seem able to erase the discontentment that I have. I just feel that if I am doing a better job than others, how come I am still statue quo? And how come I got the feeling that I am being exploited?
This is my mood today, and it suddenly hits me all together today.
I am someone who takes pride in the things that I am doing. I always try to ensure that tasks and projects are properly done, to the best of my effort. I will try to anticipate problems and prevent them from arising if possible. One thing for sure, I have done what I can, and I’m positive that I did not do a bad job.
Perhaps I believe in fairness - being properly rewarded and recognized for results and efforts. However, from the way I see it, I am not getting all these. I do not mean to be unhappy about this, yet I can’t seem able to erase the discontentment that I have. I just feel that if I am doing a better job than others, how come I am still statue quo? And how come I got the feeling that I am being exploited?
If so, then all just becomes meaningless for me. Why do I need to try so hard, but at the end of the day, I am not being duly recognized and rewarded for all that I have done? Maybe it is high time for a change. I have been too patient enough, and have wasted enough time in a place that does not recognize my potential...
Quote of the Day
" It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always."
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The journey for past 3 years
It has been more than 2 and ½ years since I have completed my AW journey. Looking back, these few years seems to pass so quickly, with lots of learning, discovery and growing up.
There was once this girl who always thought that she is not good enough, and made things harder for herself than they seemed. She is more than often unhappy and glum cos of what life has laid out for her so far. Setbacks made her lose confidence of herself, and added to her already low self-esteem.
AW journey was an eye opener to her. She rediscovered herself, knew what are her limiting beliefs and realized what are important to her. She took it further by stepping out of her box to create break-thru. The 3 months leadership program made her shine. She played with all her heart, creating results and supporting others, as she knew that LP is her life. She was eventually the torchbearer, the one who brought out the essence of LP, the distinctions and crucials. She was surprised she was the torch receiver and bearer, as she always think that there is someone who is better and deserves more than her.
She subsequently went back to staff and senior, making the stand that someone else once made for her. The experiences were spectacular. She learnt even more about herself, kept busting her own beliefs, and went out to create more results.
And yes, the girl is me. AW journey let me get close to my heart. I am a passionate, caring and loving woman, isn’t it? Beneath the apparent bitchness, there lies a heart that feels so much for the people around her, as much as I hate to admit that, and as much as I tried to cover it up. I am a woman with hard love, said a lot. I can only smile at that remark.
I dislike the feeling of vulnerability as it makes me very naked and feel that I am out of control. To me, it is a sign of weakness, and it may mean a stop in action. Of course, many pointed out to me that I am wrong. As I always appear to be hard and strong, vulnerability is actually my greatest asset to move people and create results. And when I tested it, it is indeed true. Such irony, isn’t it?
These past 3 years had been full of ups and downs for me. There were a lot of hard lessons in work for me, and I picked myself up and learnt. With people, my heart is still so fragile at times, hurt at certain accusations or over certain misunderstandings, and puzzled at how the events turn out. Sometimes I am still grouchy about how life has been, or how people have been.
However, I dealt with these emotions better nowadays, knowing how to let go when there is a need to. I am also constantly working on my relationships with my family, my loved ones, friends and myself. I have more personal time now, and thus I occupy myself with newfound hobbies or routines. Best of all, they are healthy activities! :P Consquently, I have a much balanced lifestyles, and feel more at peace.
At the same time, most importantly, I have come the longest way with myself, learning to love and trust myself. I have learnt to open up my heart to people, and communicate my feelings and thoughts, and taking risks with people. I love myself better now, savoring every moment of the fine and simple enjoyments in life.
Time never seems to be enough now! I seem to have endless things to do! :) And I have been out there creating results in my life. The results may not seem a big deal to others, but to me, these are my personal achievements, and I am glad that I am well focused at the beginning of each year, and achieve the goals that I set at year end.
Looking back, I am greatful to Kelly who had made the stand for me 3 years back, and is happy with where I am today. Life has never been perfect, that is a fact. However, looking at the world and events with a different set of goggles certainly change my whole perspective, and Wala, suddenly life seems to be more enjoyable and smoother for me. Counting my blessings, I know that I am more than fortunate. :)
There was once this girl who always thought that she is not good enough, and made things harder for herself than they seemed. She is more than often unhappy and glum cos of what life has laid out for her so far. Setbacks made her lose confidence of herself, and added to her already low self-esteem.
AW journey was an eye opener to her. She rediscovered herself, knew what are her limiting beliefs and realized what are important to her. She took it further by stepping out of her box to create break-thru. The 3 months leadership program made her shine. She played with all her heart, creating results and supporting others, as she knew that LP is her life. She was eventually the torchbearer, the one who brought out the essence of LP, the distinctions and crucials. She was surprised she was the torch receiver and bearer, as she always think that there is someone who is better and deserves more than her.
She subsequently went back to staff and senior, making the stand that someone else once made for her. The experiences were spectacular. She learnt even more about herself, kept busting her own beliefs, and went out to create more results.
And yes, the girl is me. AW journey let me get close to my heart. I am a passionate, caring and loving woman, isn’t it? Beneath the apparent bitchness, there lies a heart that feels so much for the people around her, as much as I hate to admit that, and as much as I tried to cover it up. I am a woman with hard love, said a lot. I can only smile at that remark.
I dislike the feeling of vulnerability as it makes me very naked and feel that I am out of control. To me, it is a sign of weakness, and it may mean a stop in action. Of course, many pointed out to me that I am wrong. As I always appear to be hard and strong, vulnerability is actually my greatest asset to move people and create results. And when I tested it, it is indeed true. Such irony, isn’t it?
These past 3 years had been full of ups and downs for me. There were a lot of hard lessons in work for me, and I picked myself up and learnt. With people, my heart is still so fragile at times, hurt at certain accusations or over certain misunderstandings, and puzzled at how the events turn out. Sometimes I am still grouchy about how life has been, or how people have been.
However, I dealt with these emotions better nowadays, knowing how to let go when there is a need to. I am also constantly working on my relationships with my family, my loved ones, friends and myself. I have more personal time now, and thus I occupy myself with newfound hobbies or routines. Best of all, they are healthy activities! :P Consquently, I have a much balanced lifestyles, and feel more at peace.
At the same time, most importantly, I have come the longest way with myself, learning to love and trust myself. I have learnt to open up my heart to people, and communicate my feelings and thoughts, and taking risks with people. I love myself better now, savoring every moment of the fine and simple enjoyments in life.
Time never seems to be enough now! I seem to have endless things to do! :) And I have been out there creating results in my life. The results may not seem a big deal to others, but to me, these are my personal achievements, and I am glad that I am well focused at the beginning of each year, and achieve the goals that I set at year end.
Looking back, I am greatful to Kelly who had made the stand for me 3 years back, and is happy with where I am today. Life has never been perfect, that is a fact. However, looking at the world and events with a different set of goggles certainly change my whole perspective, and Wala, suddenly life seems to be more enjoyable and smoother for me. Counting my blessings, I know that I am more than fortunate. :)
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