6 Distinctions

6 distinctions that have served me faithfully these few years:

1. 100% is possible 100% of the time.
2. If it is to be, it is up to me.
3. Life is an enrollment game.
4. Teamwork, team players working towards a common vision
5. My vision, commitments, promises dictate my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations.
6. I honour my words with my actions.

These distinctions have become a part of me, so much so that it is an automatic to practice them without me realising it. Human beings are indeed habitual creatures, isn't it? :P

Which distinction serves me best? It is distinction 5, no doubt about it…

Me...

I am just an ordinary mortal
Far from perfect
I have my desires, I have my fears
I have my flaws, I have my bad days

Do not expect too much from me
Do not think highly of me
For many an occasion
I do not have the slightest idea how to rise up to it

“Why” is the driving factor to all creations
Not “how”…
This I understand in depth
Yet this journey is never easy
Bewilderments, struggles, breakdowns, failures
I have more than my fair share...

This is just me...
Far from who you think I am…

What a day again!

Ok, this is going to be one long entry, definitely… Cos the day seems to be pretty long for me.

Today is a lousy day definitely. PMS day?! Perhaps? Hahaha..

Firstly, I am still taking my medicine. My gastritis is still acting up every now and then. That is getting me super irritated because it doesn't seem to go away. The feelings of bloated stomach, pain and nausea suck big time, to be very truthful. On top of that, I took my cough syrup this morning as I started coughing, thus got me to feel very drowsy. During lunch, I was almost like Alice in Wonderland, high without any alcohol. In the end, I ended up resting in the toilet, trying to take forty winks after my lunch... That was how desperate I am.

Secondly, I just had a fight with my boss over my last day in this company. She called me at 2+pm and her voice was raised the moment I picked up the call, as if she was interrogating some criminals. This is the gist of the conversation that we had:

Her: I thought you are extending till 17 Nov.
Me: No. I have checked with HR. They said she (my replacement) could only come in on 16 Nov. Then there is no point for me to stay till 17 Nov. Only 2 days with her.

Her: No, she is coming in on the 13 Nov.
Me: No, I just checked with HR 2 days ago.
Her: By right, you cannot take leave when you are serving notice. This is a company policy. But I allowed you to take on the understanding that you will extend.
Me: I do not think that policy was stated in my letter of appointment.
Her: If you leave on 14, then I am going to die! There is no one to hand things over to her, or teach her things!
Me: (Darn pissed off tone already) But that is very unfair to me, right? I am already serving my 3 months here leh.
Her: (still insistent) She is coming on the 13. Then you can have a whole week with her. HR got it wrong. I am going to call them and check.
Me: They told me it is 16 Nov.
Her: No, it is not. I am going to scold them. I check and let you know.

Well, I never promised her that I would stay till 17 Nov. I only told her that I got to check on my schedule. Oh, did I say that her attitude was so bad? I was darn pissed with that. It is her privilege if I stayed a day longer, not my obligation. I am serving my THREE months here, not any shorter! I got no more obligations to ensure that my duties are properly handed over by then. Not to mention that she attempted to threaten me with company policy. That is the last straw for me! I am not new here - I know how it works. I am not dumb either - I could jolly well leave at this very instance and pay back the remaining days that I am supposed to be in this company. There is no loss for me. And I am the only one who knows what to do in my role. No one else does. I am the one with the bargaining power, not her.

Subsequently, she came over to my desk and talked about it pretty loudly in the open. I only gave her a " so-what" and " I-do-not-care-more" attitude. Think she saw my face and attitude to realise that I am darn pissed, and that I would not give in to her threats. As such, she changed to a nicer tone, and tried talking to me in a more reasonable tone. In the end, I am only extending one more day to 15 Nov. Bottom line, any attempt to threaten me and you will get it from me. If you need a favour, ask, not demand. Respect is meant to be earned, not given.

With all these, I also got a feedback with regards to my impatience. Said that it deterred him from asking and telling me things. What am I supposed to say to that? Upon reflection, when things are going the other way for me, I know I get more impatient and short tempered than I usually am. That I am in the wrong. Perhaps I am letting that getting out of hand recently. Perhaps there are too many things on my mind. Yet, there is no excuse for my temper and impatience. I am not the only one who may be having a bad day. As such, I gotta to be sensitive enough to other people too. I wun like it too if I know the other party is impatient with me...

Yet, when the other person is pointing fingers at me, is that fair? I do not know and do not wish to think about it. Giving it a careful thought now, I realise that communication breakdown is one thing that I am fearful of. Communication breakdown has been the main contributing factor to my breaks in relationships with people. Once that goes wrong, everything else will go wrong...

Anyway, let me sit on it and give it a further thought...

Today...

I finally went to see the company doc today for my gastritis, which has been bothering me for a week already. Need to see him for my badly inflammed throat, so might as well get him to take a look at my gastric problems too. Not too bad, isn't it? I get to kill 2 birds with one stone! Save my time and effort. :P

Accordingly to him, gastritis, which is a mild inflammation of the stomach lining, may last for as long as 2 weeks! So it is usual for me to have all the gastric symptoms for a week. He asked me to stop my Cimetidine. Instead I was given Zantac and Motilim. Let's hope these medicine work better for me… Not forgetting my poor inflammed throat that is getting so painful. Please get well quickly too, so that I can eat all that I want!

Going to bunk in with my long time friend today and tomorrow. Her parents are overseas till next Thu and she refuses to be alone in the whole house, thus has requested for my company.

Knew this great friend since I was Primary 4! Amazing, right? The best part was we only got closer to each other after we left Primary School! It all began when we started playing badminton together regularly in the open-air court near our blocks. From there on, our friendship just grows and blossoms.

We 2 actually seldom get together. In fact, being busy in our own lives, we rarely even keep in contact to know what’s up in the other person’s life. The longest break was in fact about 2 years. It was only a few months back that we managed to meet up for lunch. Yet, whenever we meet up, the distance is never felt. I know I still can tell her anything; I know she will listen and understand; I know she will be there for me anytime I need her... This is the kind of friendship we have established over these long years.

Do not know what I will do in her house. But well, who cares? Just enjoy lor, and sleep of course! Hahaha…

The Power of Time

Can time gauge the depth of your relationship with another person?
Do you have an unexplained bonding with someone you just knew, as if you have known each other for the past decades?
Yet you cannot fathom the heart of the one whom has been sleeping next to you for as long as you can remember?

Can time heal the pain, bring the sun and dry the rain?
Is a hurt as intense as before?

Or has it faded with time?
Are you as bitter as you used to be?

Or have you forgiven and uncaged yourself?
Have you drawn a lesson from it and be better the next time?

Can time erase the memories?
Can you recollect what you did an hour ago or a week ago?
Yet do you find yourself reminiscing the beautiful moments you had shared with someone many years back?
Captured moments are always a part of us even though we may not remember?

Can time change a relationship of any kind?
The only constant in this world is changes?

Yet have you made the change better or worse?
How have you contributed to it - active or passive, a giver or a taker?
Have you wanted it bad enough to rough through it all and make it work out?

Can time change your choices?
What you wanted yesterday may not be what you want today or tomorrow?
What do you want at this point in time?
When was the last time you sit down and think about and for yourself?
Do you recall when was it that you realign your visions with your inner self?

Yet one thing is for sure
Time passed can never be recaptured
Moments lost can never be recreated
The experience of being fully alive is an experience itself

Ironical as it may sound, part of the enjoyment in life is the journey of struggles towards what you want

Experience life to the fullest today for tomorrow may not come

Carpe Diem...

Hmm...

These lyrics from a nice song "These Open Arms" have brought up certain interesting perspectives for me to ponder about:

“What if everything you ever took for granted, was gone?

And everything you ever thought was right, was wrong?

And what if everyone you ever loved was torn, from the pages of your life?

Would you reach out for tomorrow, or try to turn back time? ...

Did you really love the ones you said you loved? Think twice.

And did you make a bit of difference in somebody else’s life?

Tell me, is there someone you can count on when you need a friend?”

Food for your thoughts as well?

Strength

I wish upon the stars
For inner strength
To see me through this period
Where everything seems…
… So overwhelming…

Weary indeed I am
Breathless I am becoming
Little brain is protesting
Capacity is almost full

Slowly things seem to be more
Than I can chew
Sourced changes
Unexpected hiccups
New responsibilities
All flood in together
At the same time

Sometime I wish I could hide myself
In some faraway land
Where no one can find me
Nothing can get me
Such serenity is so appealing

Yet a thought is always just a thought
Walking out is impossible
And I would not
As the saying goes
When the going gets tough
The tough gets going

Strength is an attitude
Resolute it should be
Adversity will pass
And better I will be
Wun I? ...

Gastric...

My gastric is giving me problems again these few days. There is a lot of abdominal discomfort - feeling of pain, fullness, bloating, and nausea. Do not know what happened. Not like I have been skipping my meals. If any, then it must be I gorging too much food down these few days.…? It is definitely not fun to be feeling so bloated and nauseous, and yet experiencing hyperacidity and pain all at the same time. Have been popping my cimetidine pills to help relieve the symptoms and discomfort these few days. :(

Let’s hope it will just get better come tomorrow...

Westlife - The Love Album

Fell in love with this latest album by Westlife. All remakes, but still thumbs up for these wonderful songs... My friend who passed me this album commented that we 2 are sentimental fools! Haha.

1. The Rose
2. Total Eclipse Of The Heart
3. All Out Of Love (Duet with Delta Goodrem)
4. You Light Up My Life
5. Easy
6. You Are So Beautiful
7. Have You Ever Been In Love
8. Love Can Build A Bridge
9. The Dance
10. All Or Nothing
11. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

Connection

Was surfing the net and suddenly decide to check the online dictionary. Found the meanings of these 2 words from Wiktionary:

Connection: A feeling of understanding and ease of communication between two or more people.

Telepathy: The sympathetic affection of one mind by the thoughts, feelings, or emotions of another at a distance, without communication through the ordinary channels of sensation.

Do you have someone(s) whom you have deep connection with in your life now? Such deep understanding that it can almost be telepathic. Words may be redundant - it just takes you a glance to almost guess what may be going through the other person's mind, or a tingling hunch to feel what the other party is feeling. Is that called intuition or purely understanding?

Personally, I do not think this connection is by chance, neither does it happen overnight. Instead, it is built on many small blocks, like open communication, trust, authenticity, and most importantly, the willingness to open your heart to allow the other party to come into your life. Of course, you cannot establish a deep connection with everyone and anyone. It takes perhaps some unexplained affinity or chemistry, some common life experiences and similarity in ways of thinking as the reactants to create the desired reaction.

Will this so-called connection between 2 persons change with time? I figure so. The only constant in life is changes, isn't it? As we move on with life, we change. Together with that, the relationship with the other person also changes - fading with time due to differences or less sharing and communication, or strengthening due to deeper understanding.

At various stages in my life, will I have different people that my heart can connect to?

Or in such vast land, it is my privilege to find someone(s) that our minds are connected in such amazing ways? If it is so, I am indeed blessed, and I cherish...

Ode to You

Your presence in my life
Has been my privilege and fortune
Loving, caring, supportive, patient
Humorous, passionate, intelligent, sensitive
You are bigger than you think you are
Someone with such big heart
Always ready to give
Always willing to go the extra mile

For me
Your love has been deep
Your support has been steadfast
Your patience has been boundless
Your passion has been infectious

Never did you belittle me
For all my atrocious ideas
Never did you laugh at me
For all the mistakes I have made
Never did you walk out of me
For all the times I am down
Never did you give up on me
For all the times I am lost

'Cos of you
I was, I am and I will be
More than words can put across
I thank you for everything
Let the rest be unspoken

…With lotsa loves…

So How?

You know you may regret tomorrow for an action today

What is next?

Ignore, avoid, act blur? Never take any chance?

Or still do it anyway, and accept all consequences?

On the flip side…

You know you may regret tomorrow for an inaction today

What is next?

Act on it? Make it happen? Try anyway?

Or let it be, let it pass and let chances slip you by?

... ... ... ... ...

WestLife - Unbreakable

Westlife - Unbreakable


Fell in love with this song recently. Don't ask me why... Have been listening to this over and over again...

Here's the mtv with the lyrics...

Enjoy... :)

[Shane:]
Took my hand
Touched my heart
Held me close
You were always there
By my side
Night and day
Through it all
Maybe come what may
Swept away on a wave of emotion
Overcaught in the eye of the storm
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine
Believe that you're mine

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
And each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time I look in your eyes
Oh baby, I know why
This love is unbreakable

[Bryan:]
Shared the laughter
Shared the tears
We both know
We'll go on from here
Cause together we are strong
In my arms
That's where you belong
I've been touched by the hands of an angel
I've been blessed by the power of love
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
Each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time you whisper my name
Oh baby, I know why

[Mark:]
This love is unbreakable
Through fire and flame
When all this over
Our love still remains

[All:]
This love is unbreakable
It's unmistakeable
And each time I look in your eyes
I know why
This love is untouchable
I feel that my heart just can't deny
Each time you whisper my name
Oh baby, I know why
Cause each time I look in your eyes
Oh baby, I know why

[Shane:]
This love is unbreakable

All is Fine

Well, my mom has been discharged already. So hopefully she will recover well from here. Doc said that she is born with the congenital condition of cysts in her kidneys and livers. Thus her condition recently is caused by inflammation of one/ some cysts. Which one exactly, they can't tell as she has hundreds of them in her kidneys and livers! Kidneys may ultimately fail because the cysts may impair their basic functions. Anyway, let’s take things a step at a time and see how it goes. I do not want to think too much at this point in time, as it can be too scary.

Weather are definitely better these 2 days too, thus I did my runs and a swim this weekend. My poor muscles are aching all over now though! Must be the lack of exercises recently! After so long a break, it is indeed hard to kick start the engines again - my body is obviously protesting! Realised that this is the same with life - once there is a stop in actions, it is hard to get back into creation once more… People always say it is toughest to start off something; I say it is even tougher to keep it going. It is so easy to forget the end goal, lose sight of the initial vision and be blurred by all the distractions along the way…It is comfortable to simply take the easy way out in no matter what we are doing.

Oops, think I am getting out of point here. But well, this is the realisation that I got during my run this evening…

What a Week...

I am worn out this week. Weather has been really bad, so hazy that I could not go out there for a run. Of course, I could have ignored the warning and jog as usual, however, that is not very wise, isn't it? So somehow, I feel that I am letting my body rot a bit too much (especially after so much food indulgence in Bali) and I have too much negative energy, which certainly needs to be sweated out in a run. Haha.

In addition, my brothers and I have been fussing over my mom who is hospitalized now. Her condition is not UTI. Instead, it is something more serious - got to do with kidney, liver or colon. Full detail is yet to be out at this point in time. So I have been in and out of hospital to see her and to make sure that she is doing well. The good news is she is reacting well to the antibiotics and thus her fever has come down nicely. That is a huge relief indeed. Doc has allowed her to eat from yesterday evening and her appetite has regained slightly. Another relief...for the time being...

Guess it is not the hassle to be at different places that is tiring. It is the anxiety that is wearing me out. It is the sense of helplessness to see a loved one suffer and yet there is nothing much I can do about it. But I suppose I am glad to have my brothers around to take care of certain things at different times. Otherwise, I think it would be more than I could cope. The supports from some friends have made it easier too...

All I hope now is that everything will turn out to be fine eventually…

Old Tree Inspiration

A few phrases caught my eyes while I was reading an article about the writer's thoughts on the old tree outside her house in My Paper today.

“...简单是希望欲望休止, 平静是希望心态和顺, 这一切都为了追求一种大自然。”

“...人生也本该如此吧？就这么顺其自然，人烦我不烦，人贪我不贪， 不必在意太多， 无须太过执著。只要不是消沉和放弃， 简单与平静也能展现一种焕然的生命力。”

Well written indeed.

Considerations, Considerations

Do you consider a lot before you make a remark? For fear you are judged. For fear you offend someone.

Do your thoughts go round the world once before you jump into something? For fear you make a wrong decision. For fear you fail.

Do you stop short in expressing your feelings and emotions to someone you love? For fear of rejection. For fear of being hurt.

Do you even hesitate for long before you drop someone whom matters to you an sms or an email? For fear you are a nuisance. For fear you are an intruder.

Are the concerns real or just unfound internal conversations?

Who make life so complicated? Ourselves?

Why make it so difficult when it can be so simple?

Why make it so tiring when it can be so exciting?

Why make it so hard when it can be so sweet?

Are we living for ourselves or for others?

I don't have an answer.

Do you?

My Mum and Her Illness

It had not been a very fantastic weekend for me actually. My blood pressure has been rising due to my mom. She has this high fever since the start of last week. And she had seen the GPs thrice, to find that her fever still going up and down.

I was actually working half-day morning last Friday, but due to my mom's condition, I instead spent the whole morning at home fussing over her - getting her to drink more water, bath, buying food for her and getting her to eat a little.

Her temperature shot to a high of 39.4°C on Sat morning, thus we decided to send her to hospital. After going all the x-ray, blood and urine tests, the doc certified that she has urinary tract infection (UTI) and she was not responding to the antibiotics that the GP had given her. After monitoring her for awhile in hospital, the doc said she was good enough to go home and be on oral medicine. By the time I was done with her that day, it was already late afternoon. However, I could see that there was a slight improvement in her condition.

Yet, I was boiling mad on Sunday. I could feel my blood pressure shooting up and my veins bursting. My mom decided to listen to hearsay and her friends, and went off stubbornly with her 2 friends to Outram Park to see a Chinese Sinseh in such bad hazy weather. I tried to stop her over the phone, but she insisted and said things like just let her go and die. My youngest brother, who was at home then could not stop her too. I was hoping mad, and headed straight home after putting the phone down with her.

I waited about 2h before she was home. And boy, I really gave it to her for all her nonsensical actions and words! And she was so insistent on stopping the antibiotics that the doc had given her to take the Chinese prescribed medicine. In moments of fury, I nearly threw the bottles of medicines out of the window there and then! After all the scolding and eventually some pampering cum coaxing from me, she finally succumbed, willing to continue with her current course of medicine.

Due to her irresponsible actions, her condition worsened - her temperature was high at 38+°C. So we are all back to square one with her. And I know that she has not been drinking enough water, nor she is eating enough to regain her strength etc. I am really exasperated as I cannot be around her 24h to make sure she does everything to get better. My 2 brothers do not seem to have a way with her - they buy all her bullshit. She is just a kid - the moment you have your eyes off her, she will not do what she is supposed to do, thus prolonging her illness and agony. Thinking about her is enough to get me all stressed up...

Guess if her fever persists tomorrow, it will be hospital for her again... Haiz…

It is a mental strain to take care of someone who is old and sick. If he or she listens to you, the going is easier. Otherwise, it is an uphill task that requires a lot of my attention, effort, time and strength. Sometimes, I am just at my wits end on how to deal with my parents. Yet, it is a personal responsibility I could not and would not avoid. Already on this journey many years back, I only pray that I would just get better at handling all these, and be ever strong for them.

Thank you! :)

For all my friends who had made my last Friday a very special one, thank you! I was indeed sweetly surprised and delighted by some acts.

I sincerely appreciate the efforts of some whom had specially make time for me on that day and day(s) before. You have made me feel important… It is really superb to have each and every one of you in my life.

Of course, I love all the gifts showered on me, be it handmade or bought, be it big or small, and all the good wishes smses. It is the thought that counts, and I feel very blessed to be remembered by so many.

Thank you! :)

Feeling Small

Feeling small about myself

Reflecting on my contributions to the people in my life

Especially those that I love dearly

Impatient, short-tempered, fierce, unreasonable

Prideful, critical, stubborn, confrontational

My shortcoming list can go on and on

Am I a burden, a pest and a hindrance more than anything else?

What have I done for them? I do not know

What can I do for them? I wonder

Can I do more? I question

How can I be better? Can I be in the first place?

Too nonchalant, ain't I?

Too lazy to put in more effort, isn't it?

Till time passes me by

People walk in and out

Never cherish enough

Ain't there when needed

Till I may just lose what I have

Sorry if I could not be any better

For you