When I was young...

When I was young, I was pretty independent as my parent would leave me alone. Perhaps more correctly put, I had made it in such a way that my parents would pay more attention to my 2 younger brothers.

My 2 brothers and I were 3 years apart from one another (nice coincidence huh to be so well spaced out!). I still remembered vividly a conversation that I had with myself at a very tender age. I somehow had reached a conclusion then that I ought to give my parents minimum trouble as it was tough on them having to handle 3 of us, and my brothers, being younger, would certainly need more of their attention and time… So there I was, going to Kindergarten myself, figuring my way around in Primary, and struggling with growing up in Secondary.. Think I must have done well, since my record of teachers complaining to my parents was clean and my parents never did need to worry about my school work, exams or things like that. I’m not saying that I was a model student or I was darn good in studies or things like that, just that it was good enough not to create any problem.

So yes, I think my purpose was achieved – I was never a cause of worry for my parents during those years, and they do focus on my 2 brothers, giving them more attention and fussing over them. The funny thing was I was never jealous of my brothers even though I was “neglected”. I just somehow felt that it is only right since my brothers were much younger and thus would certainly be more reliant on my parents…

Yet again, though I never really ask for much love and attention, it doesn’t mean that I do not want it. There were countless occasions that I was lost and scared, wanting just some assurance and guidance, and there were many times that I just simply yearned for more attention, time and love. Still, I never overtly demanded for it - I know that I need to be mature about it. However, the brain and heart, as usual did not quite align with each other at times, thus they ended up fighting with each other though eventually all did go well…

The me today… perhaps is still very much like how I was when I was young. Many a time, my shouts for support can be subtle; my desires for certain people’s attention are still kept within; my tendency to handle matters myself is automatic…

So, it went back a long way in history… reflection suddenly brought up the connection, letting me trace back the roots…