Need to Get It Out of System

Firstly, I think I fail in acting… terribly. I do not know how to act otherwise from how I feel. If I do not like you, it is shown all over my face. If I do not want to entertain you, I will not bother. If I decide to draw the distance from you, I do not know how to act friendly in front of everyone else too. I do not know how to be that hypocritical. I am still learning, and think I still fail with an F9.

And do I create problems? Am I hard to get along?

I cannot explain myself clearly in many things. Sometimes, things happen and I am just there. In many other instances, I will not bother to explain much too. If you understand me as a person, you will know it better. And what point is there for me to say more if you are already assuming?

Strong appearances, is that a fault or a strength? Do not assume that I show up like I am stronger in characters mean I am the one going around creating troubles. Do not assume that I can take all things better just because I seem like I could. Do not assume that I am the difficult one just because of the ways I talk too.

Perhaps I have contributed to a certain situation in a sense or another. However, I will not have reacted the way I did if I am not pushed over a certain limit. And if there is any fault, I think it is because my acting is still immature. Given time, I think I will never really improve too. I do not have the talent for it…

Millionaire

Did you buy hope yesterday? I did... $6.2 million of winnings... Toto...

Too bad, my hopes were dashed at 10pm last night.

But there is one winner, who bought his winning ticket at Peninsula Plaza. He is for sure happy like anything. Overnight, he is a millionaire. He can throw the letter in his boss's face today and walk out immediately...

Mood?

My mood is totally off today.

Tired? Yes, I think I am... Insufficient rest? Not exactly. I have been sleeping at my usual bedtime hours. Bad mood? Not exactly too... Yet, perhaps it is... Just feel glum. Just feel quiet. Just do not feel like entertaining people in general or put on a smiling face just for the sake of others too... So for people that are out of my defined box, yes, please leave me alone.

Sometimes, I just wish I can be wilful, like a spoilt young kid... Just scream when agitated, just whine and demand for attention when I feel like it, just sob when I feel upset and throw tantrums when I do not get what I want... So simply by resorting to all these "creative" methods, I can get what I want... Sound good, isn’t it? *Devilish laughter*

Perhaps I have forgotten how to do all of these... I ought to learn them all over again. Or maybe, to start off with, I am never exactly like this as a kid... Was not given the luxury to be... though bottom line, I am still a rotten kid at heart and in person - I resort to meaner methods... Hahaha...

Paul Muenzen

Read an article in Mind Your Body today, about this guy Paul Muenzen who found life's answers in Zen. The first Westerner to be ordained a monk in China since the Cultural Revolution, he revealed how he got associated with Zen in his life journey, and what Zen is all about..

He touches on pretty cheem stuff about “who I am” and being in the moment. All these, are abstract in nature, easy to know in theory; however deep understanding is required to get the full gist of what he is saying, and to apply it in life...

Here is the extract, though I know I cannot just quote from newspapers:


“Accordingly to the Venerable Hyon Gak, "Zen just means understanding my true nature. Zen means meditation, and meditation means finding my true self - finding my true nature."

To pierce the truth, one's mind must be unclouded by thoughts.

He said:" Being Zen about something means just being as it is. Seeing clearly, hearing clearly, smelling clearly, tasting clearly, touching clearly - that's Zen. So everything as it is, is truth. But when we add thinking, we don't see truth as it is. We see something that we like, or we don't like; we want or don't want; we accept or don't accept. That's not Zen."

In meditation, one returns to one’s breath......” Over time, you get to see that your thinking has no substance. Good thinking, bad thinking, has no substance. Then it can’t control you.”

Incorporate teachings of Zen in daily life...... when walking, just walk; when eating, just eat; when showering, just shower...We do those things but we're following our thinking the whole time. We're eating, but we're not really tasting the food. We're not fully living in the moment. Living in the moment - that's Zen.

If our heads are full of our own thoughts and problems, we cannot see other people or be fully with them.

“Zen means to return to this moment. Hear the bird, hear the rain, feel the air-conditioning sitting here. That's Zen. From that point I can function clearly, openly."

Can understand?! LOL

Such Conflicts

I wish for each hour and second to pass quickly, so a day will be over soonest.

Yet months and years seem to fly past in a blink that I looked back in amazement and puzzlement.

I wish for the sight of the pretty full moon.
Yet when the moon is out, the stars go into hiding.

I wish to feel more energized by resting more.
Yet the more I sleep, the more tired I feel.

I wish for more excitement and new experiences.
Yet the thoughts send my legs trembling and heart pumping hard.

I wish to get you out of sight, out of mind.
Yet the more I try to forget, the more you lurk in every corner of my brain.

I wish for some very simple enjoyments in life.
Yet they seem complicatedly hard to come by at times.

I wish for certain things/ events to be over soon.
Yet when a full stop is drawn, I wish it has never become history.

I wish to treasure certain things that I have now.
Yet the more I try, the more they seem to slip me by.

Oh, such ironies in life... or paradoxes they are?

Sleeping Beauty?

There I had it. I had the longest sleep in the longest time I could ever remember. The drowsy cough syrup that the doctor gave is enough to knock out an elephant like me.

I woke up at 1030am to have my breakfast, check my email, and take my medicine... The effect of the medicine soon kicked in, and I was in dreamland again at 1+pm. With that, I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day till 10pm in the night. Of course, I did wake up for food, water, toilets and t.v in between... Such indulgence huh, for all the wrong reasons...

Back in office today.. It is already Friday.. And it is a week with only 2 working days for me. The rest of the days, yes, I was on MC. Yet, I am still not in form today... The cough is better... but my blocked and running nose is driving me mad at times. And my back still hurts whenever I cough. But I have stopped taking the painkillers for my back already. I do not wish to be over reliant on that, unless totally necessary.

I will get well. Weekend is close. Dun make me stay at home.

Sex & Diving

I forgot to add in this picture the other time.

Saw this hanging outside the dive shop at Lang Tengah...



So how trueeee is this?! :-O

The Stairs

Was walking up some stairs, when this flight of 6-storeys high stairs came to my mind once again....

This flight of stairs...I used to be climbing up and down a few times a day in the past. It started out as walking down, then climbing up, and then it became more and more frequent...

Thus whenever there were too many people waiting for the lifts, or when I felt like it, or I concluded that I should move more to train up my chicky legs, I would climb them. Stairs can actually be a much faster option than lifts at times, and I chose to believe that it is a good short workout! :P

Using these stairs is a convenient and discreet way to walk into the shopping mall too. I would not need to be seen in the lift going down to the 1st floor, as I could simply exit at 3rd floor. So whenever I need a coffee break, a breather, or to get something at these few levels, yes, these stairs were certainly useful.

Am I attached to these stairs? I’d think I should still be pretty sane (?!). Just that every step there was a memory of the people that had walked the same stairs with me before, a reminder of my days there, some wonderful people that I have known there and the moments created together.

These stairs... the good times...the bad times… the people... the memories... the learning... the chances... the seat… the smell…

Am I getting nonsensical?

Late Post - Leng Tengah

It is exactly a week since I was back from Lang Tengah. I have wanted to write about my trip, but somehow it never happened. Oopps..

Well, minus off my stomach which went on strike the moment I was out from my house, the long bus journey, the bumpy, rainy and nauseous boat ride there, the ants infested bathroom, sandy bed, lousy diving logistic management from the resort, all the sand fly and mosquito bites, and my thoughts that wondered off many a time.. this short getaway trip was basically great! Just eat, sleep, dive, relax and get fat! 8-P

8 of us went on this trip, 4 to a room, 6 divers, 2 snorkellers. These friends, they were a great bunch, full of nonsensical humour and fun. They certainly injected so much fun and laughters to this trip, that I was so cool about the many hiccups that happened along the way... A further affirmation that it is not where I’m but who I’m with that makes the biggest difference to the enjoyment. And I realise that diving trips are more fun when you go with more kakis!

Redang Lang Resort is the place we stayed in. Below is a picture of the jetty taken in a beautiful evening before the sunset.

This is the Dive resort, where we would prepare all our equipment and gear up before we went to each dive.


Some underwater pictures here, with compliments from our Handsome aka Secret Weapon ! :)


Lionfish


Nurse Shark with Shrimps


Nudibranch - Chromodoris Magnifica


Hingebeak Prawns


Spiny Devilfish

Wishing for more diving trips like these! Ahh, let me dream on it, k...

This Moment

This moment
Out of the blue
Under the starry sky

Emotions go haywire
Tears start wanting to make its presence felt

This moment
Can it freeze in time?
The distance between us
The thoughts that we connect
The warmth of your hugs

This moment
It is like sand
Yet much reluctance to let it slip
Fearing that it never
Comes true ever again

This moment
Being caught in it
All becomes blurred
Thoughts obscured
Feelings mixed

This moment
I despise myself
For being so feeble
For succumbing to such puerility
For giving in to emotions

This moment
Will pass of course
Next moment is new
Change is the only constant
Yet heart and mind sometimes are never best of friends

Let them work it out…

Ahh, Irritating!

Ah, my hands can’t keep off them. They are getting me high, driving me crazy.

I hate it...when i got bites that itch. I have a tendency to keep scratching them.

I think many of my friends should know - I can withstand pain, but not itch. Arrggh...

And the bites that I got (should be sand fly bites) are now big, red, swollen with transparent discharges. The bites are all over my legs, and one on my right hand. They are a pitiful sight now, though the itch is not easing at all. The worst one is about 5cm in diameter! Took a Piriton last nite to ease the itch, but as usual, it knocked me out... too powerful a pill for putting me to sleep.

Ahhh, I think I gotta stop scratching. Otherwise, they are going to get worse, not to add that the scars will be there for a long time... But... it is SOOOOO hard to resist. =...(

Doctor, here I may come again....