Insecurity

Insecurity… This word is driving me nuts recently.

Because I’m insecure, every little action that someone else takes, I question, I wonder, and I imagine the worst of the situation or that person. Everything that happens may be and can be a threat to me even if it is not and will never be. I keep looking for assurance and affirmation in words, actions or results externally, so as to satisfy that niggling voice of inadequacy inside me…

There are a million things that we can be insecure about - self worth, financial status, power and position, looks, abilities and capabilities, our importance in another person’s heart…the list just goes on and on.

I suppose insecurities are compounded and stemmed out of past experiences, which translates into beliefs and thus the lack of confidence and deficiency in assurance. As such, when things happen, we get touchy, we become unhappy, we think otherwise of a situation. On top of that, we continually seek out external sources to affirm our own worth and contributions. We forget about intimacy (which translates= into-me-see), we forget insecurity are from within, not external driven…and that at the end of it all, we got to handle these conversations internally and from the roots.

Truthfully, I have my own fair share of insecurity too... (A long list, perhaps?! Haha!) Don’t you too? Thus I also need some words of assurance, some given confidence and some borrowed faith many a time...

Yet, I must say that too much insecurity can drive all others nuts. I personally find it a very big stretch to keep managing someone’s else insecurities every time if it happens very often or worse, day in and day out. I have to be careful with my words; I need to be mindful of every action that I take; I got to be very sensitive to every big or small movement the other person takes… That… is really a bit too much for me to swallow. Too suffocating, restrictive, and frustrating!

I wonder was I ever such a nightmare to someone’s else in my life. If I ever was, I ought to stab myself for it.

And I certainly hope I will never be…such a monster…

If I am, please just kill me…