Distinction 5 Again

There is no coincidence why this distinction:

“My vision and commitments dictate my actions, not my feelings, assessment or evaluation"

support me best most of the times, as I realised I really do have lotsa judgements, thoughts and feelings towards many things that happen around me… so much so that sometimes, I just get derailed by all of it …

I just need to be grounded huh, don’t I?

How it will grow

It is not about the number of gifts received;
It is not about the cost value of each gift;
Neither it is about the frequency of gifts;
Though I’m sure everyone (and I do) love the occasional lavish pampering with gifts.

It is about the ability to communicate on the same note,
Though viewpoints and stands may be totally different;
It is about the willingness to align towards a common vision;
And the capacity to walk, explore and grow together.
That is how any relationship will flourish over time.

Birds of the same feathers flock together?
Yes, I do think so, if it's taken on the right note.

My Sat

• Attended my advance buddy baby's full month celebration at Lao Bei Jing at noon and had a good time catching up with some of the fellow mates. The baby is really cute and amazingly quiet!
• Had a breakdown as some things had finally reached my limits, totally beyond my comprehension, patience and support means, and I am washing my hands off.
• Did a 16km run in the evening as a training for my upcoming half marathon in a week time. My legs seem wanna give way though. A price to pay for my laziness in training.
• The bright, full moon was hard to miss. It always seems so near yet so far. I love it still though. Nonetheless, it is always a good old companion to have during my runs at nights.

More Thots

Outsiders always have a clearer picture than the involved parties? I figure so, isn't it? At times, it can be so glaringly straight in the face for the outsiders, yet, the involved party is clouded by his or her own judgments, assessments or emotions.

I do presume it is always easier and clearer to any bystander cos there are no additional emotions involved. At such, one can fully, clearly, rationally see the whole picture without being influenced or caught in own spiral trap.

Personally, it is sometimes so crystal clear to me about certain issues, certain solutions or ways of doing. Thus, there are times where I am totally impatient, frustrated and irritated when some cannot get it, or how they choose to short sell themselves or go about self sabotaging by creating a bigger shit hole for themselves than necessary.

Yet, being caught in similar situations before, I can perfectly understand how the mind and thoughts are clouded and the heart is confused. Everything seems to be hazy, with no one clear solution or way out…

Introspection is always necessary. Yet, if introspection just revolves around a few parameters, I can never see outside my own box, and never be able to see other possibilities. We all have our "blind spots", thus, I'm always appreciative of people who have been around me to support me and point out certain perspectives that I have failed to consider. Of course, it can be hurting at times to face up to the cold "truth". It takes a lot of courage to fish out everything, especially emotions, which may have been so tightly and nicely wrapped up, and swept under the carpet for donkey years. I may fail to recognise the non-serving beliefs that I may have towards many issues, people or events as they may be so deeply entrenched somewhere in me unknowingly. All the excuses that I have come up with to cover up for whatever event/ feeling etc , I may be convinced that they are the actual reasons or facts already.

Yet, I know that if I could identify and face them boldly, that is where I learn, grow and be better.

I always remember and do agree with what HS has said before – it is certain that we will learn whatever we need to learn in our life, just that we can take 15 years to learn it or simply take an accelerated platform and learn within a much shorter time frame. I am also clear that if I never learn what I need to learn, the same thing will happen to me repeatedly till I learn how to approach or view the matter differently.

Well, I don't have that many 15 years… I would not be able to tolerate myself taking such snail steps… I think I will frustrate myself to death… I just cross my fingers and hope that I do have the IQ, EQ, AQ or whatsoever Q to look beyond, to explore deeper and to be wiser as time goes by.

"The Rose"

I always remember this song “The Rose”. I had heard this song many a times long before, but the lyrics never did strike a cord in me till a few years back. I remembered we were at our friend’s publishing firm for a small group meeting when HS played this song and highlighted the lyrics in the song book that she had brought along.

It was that instance that I felt connected to this song. Such powerful lyrics indeed, bringing out the essence of love, strength and hope in such a touching and clever manner. Take the end of the 1st verse for example, it states “I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.” We are the only opening to the door to our heart and love, isn’t it?

I especially love the 2nd verse of the song:

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

How true indeed. The heart that closes up itself will never rejoice in love; the one who fears to dream will never take the leap; the one who refuses to accept can never give; the one who scares to risk will never experience life itself fully…

The rest of the song, well, I supposed you can connect to it too, if you do open your ears and your heart to listen to it. Certainly a song that one can draw strength on and to remind oneself about.

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Practise

I do swims and runs occasionally… Yes, I think you do know.

Did I ever share that I was really lousy at swimming in the past, that I can hardly finish half a lap? Did I ever say that I suck big times at running too, so much so that a short distance can make my face green and send my legs wobbling?

Yet, it is always practise that make perfect. Every time I hit the pool, I swim with the same strokes (fyi, I only know breast stroke well), yet, every time I learn something new, like how to glide through the water better, how to kick my legs such that I am more efficient, how to draw my arms such that it is less of an effort. So even now, I am still experimentaling and learning how I can get better at my strokes.

The same goes for jogging. As I jog more, I understand my body better. I start to understand the shoes that may suit me better; I realise I need to stretch my back often so that my back will not be aching after a long run; I learn how to control my breathing so that I can manage my stitches. I get better each time, stretching my distance further, running more comfortably over these few years…

Well, I think you get the gist of it.

Simply, what I am trying to say is that every experience, be it doing the same things or trying something novel, we get new understanding and learning every time, such that we get better at it come another time. Hence, we got the phrase of “practise makes perfect”. Every experience allows a chance for us to improve or to learn something new... It is about being fully aware of what we are doing, and seeking to improve.

Yet again, one cannot improve simply by just thinking through the process over and over again. "Mental masturbation" cannot get anywhere, isn’t it? Cos it is all just in the mind! One needs to get all hands, legs or whole body dirty, and through that, one can then learn over and over again.

...

My thoughts has been racing these 2 weeks
That it is almost driving me mad
Haunting me with headaches perpetually

My dreams are ruthless too

That I almost can’t differentiate dreams from reality
And I woke up every day feeling groggy and drained

My questions are never ending as well
One question leads to another
Leading me deeper into the pondering swirl

People who have been and are important
I wonder, I hesitate, I question
For I do not know how anymore

To scale to greater height
The path may be more difficult now
To get to a better ending
The bullet may be now to bite

See, I lost myself in thoughts pretty easily…
I pity my brain…

Diving Pics at Tulamben/ Lombok/ Seraya

Some of the diving photos taken during my recent Bali/ Lomok trip:


Peacock Flounder


Ornate Ghost Pipefish


(Giant!) Painted Frogfish


Necklace Sea Star


Bump Head Parrot Fish


Moray Eel and Hinge-beak Shrimps


Nudibranch

The followings

In these recent weeks, I have noticed the followings:

1. I am having post holiday blues since I was back from Bali 2 weeks. Dunno if I am too carried away by playing or I am simply too bored now? I think I am also crazy about diving after this trip. Just keep thinking about water, diving and more diving. Gosh. It must be due to the over-indulgenced idyllic lifestyle during the diving days, and all the new marine species that I stumbled across during this trip?

2. It is a psychological barrier for me to be waking up any time before 7am. 630am is just 1/2h different from 7am, yet I am always thinking that I need to sleep earlier to make up for the sleep deficiency, and thus I need to be home earlier everyday to get enough rest.

3. I am getting more piggy. I have been napping for at least 2h in the afternoon every time it is a weekend or a Public Holiday. Yet, the more I sleep, the more I think I need to sleep. I still feel tired lor, that is the whole point! A sign of old age? Or is it a sign of plain laziness?

4. I cannot go out for too long, cos it makes me tired pretty fast, coupled with headache at times. Then I will feel I need a long time to recuperate. I rather rest at home more nowadays or do my runs/swims. Is it about laziness again? Or a lack of energy? Or…?

A passing phase? An adaptation period? Or it is really about changed habits and thinking?

Today's Thots

I had a walk home from the MRT station at slightly past midnight just now. And cos I have changed into a pair of flats just now, I have enjoyed the walk even though I was carrying tons with things with me. . I always love walking in the night in comfort wears actually. The night is always serene and peaceful, and made better especially with breezes.

Much thought has been racing in my mind suddenly this evening. Thus this entry may be haphazard, with no link from one another. Yet, I do want to jot them down…

I was on the topic with fear and courage this evening. Coincidently, I was on this yesterday too. I personally have very bad experiences with certain things before, thus I have formed certain beliefs about me and the issues themselves. As such, I may resist coming anywhere close to them again for fear I may be hurt again. Yet, deep inside I do know that I cannot stop short in actions just because of a few failures or bad experiences. The courage to try again needs to be in place… even though I suspect that the heart may just stop pumping… Yes, I took the courage to risk it and attempt again after so much hesitation… and I am glad that I did it though I still may not know the result. “Courage is certainly not without fear. Courage is confronting the fear and still does it anyway.” I always hold this coaching close to my heart.

Have you caught yourself in some relationships that can be draining? Those relationships with people that you try your best to be understanding and accommodating to the extent that you frustrate and question yourself; or you do not know what you are doing any more or what to expect any longer? What would you do then – ignore and pretend all is alright and continue as it is, or make yourself immune to it, shut down and just accept, or confront it with intent to resolve, or just simply cut it off?? What will you choose? Is the choice so easy? Can we ignore the issues when we know that they will only get bigger, not go away? Yet, to confront requires so much strength – the ability to bear and deal with the possible hurt that can linger for a long time down the road…

Everyone’s ability to comprehend, grasp and understand is different. Otherwise, the world will be so competitive that you or I can hardly breathe with ease. Even thought certain things may be crystal clear to me, they may still appear murky to you… Thus one of the learning that I got over these few years is to accept and be at ease with that. At the same time, I learnt that “if the king is not urgent, why should the eunuch be?” If you do not desire to get to the goal that you say is important to you, I cannot desire and do it for you… for it is your own life that you are talking about...

Debrief

It was definitely a good debrief of the basic staff team by Ken Ito yesterday evening. Though it was 2h long, never did I once feel restless... Oh yes, I need to say that Ken is getting so charismatic. Think he should be at least 50 years old, yet, he is much more attractive now than a few years ago!

Other than the usual review of our declarations and results, he has gone in depth with each of us on what we had experienced and learnt. He had indeed held up another mirror, allowing us to bounce our thoughts, which in turn let us discover our blind spots and how they may have manifested in our lives. He has also provided other points of views that many of us may not have considered before, enabling us to see alternatives and possibilities.

Communicating aloud my experiences, my feelings and my learning, I further got clear on certain issues through the support of others.

Indeed, I am experimentaling on how I should show up that may serve myself and others in the best possible ways. I do not want my intense being to scare or put off some people, though most of the times, I still would prefer to be direct and upfront (oopss, people never change! =P).

I think I have sourced for more evidence on the importance of clarity too… When I get clear of my goals and intentions, all else will subsequently fall in place – the actions, the iron will etc. And there is no better time than NOW, for I may not be here when tomorrow comes…

李玖哲 -《想太多》

His new debut album is really so nice that I can't help but to share it! Nicky Lee has such a sexy voice that it is almost impossible not to be captivated by him, not to mention all his songs are so sentimental and can be so close to one's heart...

One of his nice songs here...

Away at Bali & Lombok

Seems like I have suddenly gone missing for awhile... It has been like 2 weeks since my last blog entry... Yup, I really did not have much access to internet for the past 11 days. Or rather, I refused to spend my time in front of a pc when I am overseas for holidays. =P

I made a trip back to Bali again, or more specifically, it is Kuta @ Bali and Gili @ Lombok. I was there for 10 days, with 5 days of pure indulgence in diving. I should say the diving was excellent! We saw so diverse eco-marine life this time round! I should go into more details and upload some of the nicer photos when I am done with them.

There are so many things that I would like to write about my trip this time round. Yet, I think I should mention Gili specifically here ... I was there for 4D3N, mainly to for diving purposes... We were diving with Manta Dive operator there, and were staying in a bungalow on the beach of Gili Trawangan, an idyllic island north west of Lombok just east of Bali. The bungalow was fantastic - simple yet self sufficient. I personally love it. It is based on a traditional rice barn, with a secluded outdoor bathroom and toilet! Shiok! Ha... The room was clean and spacious, with lotsa space for us to dump our barangs around!

The rattan Sasak styled rice barn accommodation

The outdoor toilet

The bathing area, of cos!

The various dive sites around the 3 Gilis islands

The cat caught idling outside my rice barn

Gili is a laid back island, with no motorized vehicles at all. You can only caught sights of horse carriages. Locals there lead such simple lifestyles, with livelihood mainly evolving around tourism. Their kids can just keep themselves happily entertained by playing in the seawater and building sandcastles at the beach. Most of the tourists are ang-mos though and they are there to stay for long from at least a week to 7 weeks!

The main street of Gili

The horse carriage and the sun rays

The kids at the beach, building sandcastles and decorating with dead corals

I love the nights there. With no TV in the rooms, everyone was out to catch a big screen movie played by some of the restaurants, or simply just be around with people to interact. You can just simply relax at any restaurant that you fancy, some of which have seats just on the beach itself. The nightfall is early – the sky starts to turn dark at early 6pm.

After a good dinner feast out there, you can simply lie on your back, stretch your legs to relax on the big and comfy couches provided by the restaurants. The starry skyline is simply spectacular, leaving you in awe; the sea waves, less than 5-6m away, beat against the shore, singing in rhythm with your heartbeats, reminding you that it is simply splendid to be alive. Of course, nothing beats enjoying all these with a chilled Bintang on hand! This is Life... !!

The dusk scenery

The jetty?

Bintang Beer, our Manta-Ray room key and the Indian Smoke tingy


Of course, by 11pm, you would love to hit the bed after a warm bath at the outdoor bathroom… I mean, what else can you do other than to sleep when there is no TV or any other much entertainment? Sleeping is a real indulgence itself, isn’t it? Haaa…