An Extremist

I received a feedback from a colleague yesterday that I am an extremist – someone who only has black and white, with no grey. His context? He is referring to the way that I interact with the people around me. This is part of the conversation that we had:

Him: I realize that you are an extremist.
Me: Where got?
Him: You got only black and white, and no grey. With some people ah, you are very warmed up. Towards some, you are very aloof and cold.
Me: * Laughed *
Him: You cannot like that. Some people you just got to entertain a bit.
Me: Got so obvious meh?
Him: Yes.
Me: It is just not my style.
Him: Cannot one. In work, sometime you got no choice but to act act a bit.
Me: * Laughed again*

And that conversation sets me thinking…

Well, he is not wrong in his observation. I am like that, to a big extent, ever since long time ago. Even in schools, those people that I do not like or not too familiar with, I would not bother to acknowledge him or her, or even just to say Hi. That is me. If I like you, I will talk to you. If I dun, I do not see the reason why I should entertain you lor.

But come to think of it, I used to be very nice to people a long long time ago, when I was much younger. Too nice that I'm being taken advantage of. I remember my days in secondary school where some of my classmates would “bully” or ostracize me in some little ways here and there. And I always ended up thinking to myself this question “ what is it about me that they dun like”. As such, I would still try to be friendly with them and please them in ways that I could, thinking that it would change their perceptions of me. What is the ending? Yes, you may have guessed it. They still treated me as bad.

Subsequently, I still would go around treating people pretty well, always wanting to appear nice and well received. Guess that is an image issue as well. I was taught that “nice, friendly, easy-going” are positive traits, and I wanted to be seen as someone like that.

However, I guess things somehow have reached my limit one day that I decided to bochap these people and what they thought of me. I mean why should I care so much for others and their feelings when they care none about mine? And why should I bother when I am not even close to some of them?

So the me today is the end result of many factors. I have always been a very sensitive creature, well aware of what people are feeling or thinking. Yet, in recent years, I have grown more confident of myself, with better self-esteem, and know what I want in life. As such, I am not really bothered about how some people, especially those who do not know me well, think about me. At the same time, I also realize that being nice is sometimes just not value adding to the other party. I just got to be the devil sometimes and give it to my friends, so that they may ‘wake up’ from some of their one-way thinkings. It's one of the way that I can simply contribute to them. Another reason is I do not see why I should be a hypocrite, and pretend to be friends with people that I dun exactly have good feelings. Of course, some will contest that it is just being friendly. But I guess it is just not me.

And actually, I am always an extremist in any other things. No moderation, but the extreme. That is another feedback from another friend...And I do not deny that. :P