A post finally....

I have not done any blogging for a million years and I am sure no one is reading it now, which I am jolly well ok with it. Maybe with that, I could pen down more of my thoughts with ease? LOL..

And I am sure this entry of mine is going to be pretty random in terms of thoughts.

These past few long months (which is coming to a year already) seem eternity at times, yet each day seems to zoom past at a hundred miles per hour. Such paradox again. I wish to have the cake and eat it. Wishful hope. Time is so limited, but I wish I could do more. Life has completely changed for me. What I used to be doing, I no longer do them now.

Sometimes, I wish I am at ECP on a sunday morning, all geared up for my long draggy runs; other times, I dream that I am in the deep blue sea, singing the sea hymns, and dancing with the underwater creatures . When I went through my past blog entries, I saw holiday photos, read about pre and post holiday feelings too... All these seems to be out of my reach totally now. Not because of any other things, but due to the fact that I couldn't just drop everything and go without thinking.

Many a times, I have struggled with myself in the choices I have made due to the circumstances that were presented in front of me. At times, I was at peace and grounded, knowing that I have made conscious choices to be where I am today; other times, my scale was tipped and I was obviously upset and doubtful about why I am doing all these. Questions I have lots... answers I have little... Where is my best? How is that going to look that? Or am I just plain resistant to face certain issues or make some changes?......

Nevertheless, I have scrolled through my previous entries wanting to find the below that I have blogged before. And yes, I finally found it, in my Apr 2007 entry (wow, such ancient time ago!). I think, at this moment in time, for a long time, this is exactly how I have been feeling - the contrast of the conflicting feelings could be so overwhelming at times that I think it could kill me.

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An extract from the book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.

Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.

Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive

no matter what someone does to me.

Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.

Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.

Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.

Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.

Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.