X'mas? What is that?

X’mas is just round the corner. It used to be my favourite festive season… I just like the idea of giving and sharing, for I find joy (and a chore too at times) to find a gift for some people close to me. I also love to indulge in the joyous celebrative mood, cos X’mas signifies the end of a year and a season to chill and relax a little bit more.

However, I do not know what is what anymore now. Days pass by in a mono tone, where today is no different from yesterday and tomorrow is of no surprise from today. I don’t even know what is having a life of my own anymore. I am just tired, very stretched at times…and find little energy to do any other things really. In fact it is a chore for me to find time to do some other things now cos the body is tired and the mind could never be free from the responsibility… not to mention that it takes super lotsa effort and arrangement to make the “some other activities” happen…

What can I do then? I don’t know… for going in circles create no new possibility. Let it be, and just let me be… Maybe that will do.

Thoughts...

I feel that there is nothing that I can do well

Small and big matters

I seem to fail them all

I feel so tiny and inadequate

I did not try hard enough?

My way of being is wrong?

Or simply I am just not good enough?

Some stuff I could never quite understand -

Why do I have it more difficult than others?

Why do I have to fall time and time again?

Why do I always have to take a step back and start all over again when things start to look a little rosier?

Why do I need to pay such a heavy price for certain foolish actions many years back?

I have spent a lot of time with myself some years back and for the past years

To liberate myself, to see the world and happenings with a different pair of goggles;

To seek clarity in my life; to work issues out;

To ground myself, and to move on with life with renewed strength, confidence and reassurance

And I work hard at it – I really do

Yet all it takes is just one thing to crash it all
To erase all my hard work I have done before
And at this point, I seem to be back at square one

I start asking all the whys, questioning so hard again

And there are heaps of things that I would like to do well

But my results simply fall short…

Before one issue can be solved, another bigger issue pops out

All I am capable of doing now is giving problems to my most loved one

Making him worry about me all the times…

And this is making me very sad…

Tell me what I can do… how can I do it better?

I know I need to shift, but can I and how?

Why can’t things just change for the better this once?

This journey seems so tough

And the end point does not seem anywhere in sight

But I need to push myself to cross the ending point victoriously

I have to, isn’t it? There is no return…

Who will be there?

If I am not who you think I am
If I commit a serious mistake
If I stumble and fall heavily
If I am reduced to rag
Who will still walk beside me?
Who will still love me?
Who will still stay rooted for me?
Maybe no one...