"Not all people are like you"

Yes, I think I do dislike it now when people said this to me "not all people are like you"....

The underlying meanings of that sentence simply read " Do you think people are like you? They do not react like you. They are not as XXXX as you are. Even if it is ok with you, it doesn't mean it is ok for them. Even if you can do it, this doesn't mean they can do it."

With this, it closes off all conversations that need to follow thereafter. There is no space for me to share whatever anymore. As I am "not the same" like the rest of the people, I do not act or react the same way, and thus what I have to say can be discounted.

Aren't we all human beings, aren't we same yet different from one another in one sense or another huh?

If I have made something sound easy or like it's of no big deal, it doesn't mean it is as such. I may sound like it is ok, but it doesn't mean I was ok in the midst of things. Also, what you may hear or see is the ultimate end product, not necessarily the process or journey of how I have gotten there. Do not brush me off simply like that, because you may not know how hard I have struggled to be where I am or to be in the space with a certain level of understanding today. You do not know the pain, the tears, the struggles that nearly tore me apart when something "major" happens. All learning and growth comes with experiencing, and more often than not, they are painful.

As much as I am result focused, it doesn't mean I do not have feelings, evaluation or assessments. If not, I would have not swung to the dark side many a times, where I nearly get consumed and engulfed completely. Sometimes people made it sound like it is a total fault to be or to look "strong", to walk out of the bottom looking ok.

And I am tired. I am tired, trying to support some people. It makes me feel like I am inadequate, that I have failed to make people see. My enrolment pillar must have failed terribly because I cannot align someone else's vision with mine. Many a times, I have put my heart out there on the line to see how I can be of a support, and it is very frustrating and disheartening when I cannot get people to see what I can see. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't work. It drains out my energy totally, as I may be here very concerned and worried, and have him or her in mind constantly thinking what's next. Yet, this is only one-sided affair. It must be true that something is very wrong when I am more anxious than the person himself or herself.

I dislike sitting on the fence most of the times cos it means one just do not want to make a stand. I dislike it when what I said are brushed aside simply because I read it as what I say do not matter. I dislike it when one pretends like nothing has happened, because it is obviously not true. If it doesn't matter to me, I would not have raised it up in the first place. Moreover, sometimes it is not about me at all, but you and you only. When I do not pursue profusely or I do hold back, it is because I do not want to be thought as a spoilt nuisance and be overwhelming. Also, I think I do not have the "permission" to- overstep that line, and it spells trouble and more trouble for me. Other than possible arguments (which these are totally fine with me as it may mean clarity thereafter), it can mean they may either ignore me for a long time, walk out of me, or pretend the event never did happen and do not speak about it again. Seriously, is support just about letting the person hear what he wants to hear, do what he wants to do or indulge in his own bullshit?

I remember my contract very clearly. My memory is too good to erase or forget about it for it speaks about who I am.Yet, opening up this space makes me feel very vulnerable. It opens up space for hurt and questioning of my (in)adequacy. This is especially so recently as it has all been stirred up. I know clearly sometimes that it is not about me, but a matter of their own choices. Yet, as much as I try to control how I feel, those negative feelings seep in somewhat somehow like a slow poison.

One thing I do know and hopefully it is true, is that I should be able to handle these feelings much better now than before. I just need some time to iron out all with myself again. I am also aware that from a responsible point of view, I need to rethink who I need to be and show up differently, to take different actions such that it may lead to different results. Just that patience is not my greatest forte still, so what if I do give up (on something or someone) before I reach the end point of this seemingly endless journey? I seldom give up, but if I really do, it may be irreversible.

I am equally aware that sometimes I just need to surrender and let it be. Fighting against it, resisting it, or attempting to influence/change in a wrong space would not lead me anywhere. Anything outside my control and influence are literally not within my control.

Alright, it all happens for a reason. I do know. I will, given some time, work it all out again...with my heart...