Something I meant to post for a long time

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

It is our light,
Not our darkness,
That most frightens us

Your playing small does not serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you

We are all meant to shine as children do
It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone

And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other people to do the same

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others"

Coach Carter Movie

只有一句。。。

“感动过的痕迹 很难割舍”

Barney ...

Barney & Friends has become my "favourite" show in these recent months. In fact, this is the only show that I watch day in and day out now on my TV, so much so that I could even remember the dialogues and songs for many parts! And I have more than 10 over Barney DVDs in my collection, and you bet that is not quite enough... to satisfy my little monster. >_<

Below is an extract of one episode... a song that sings out loud to me...

A post finally....

I have not done any blogging for a million years and I am sure no one is reading it now, which I am jolly well ok with it. Maybe with that, I could pen down more of my thoughts with ease? LOL..

And I am sure this entry of mine is going to be pretty random in terms of thoughts.

These past few long months (which is coming to a year already) seem eternity at times, yet each day seems to zoom past at a hundred miles per hour. Such paradox again. I wish to have the cake and eat it. Wishful hope. Time is so limited, but I wish I could do more. Life has completely changed for me. What I used to be doing, I no longer do them now.

Sometimes, I wish I am at ECP on a sunday morning, all geared up for my long draggy runs; other times, I dream that I am in the deep blue sea, singing the sea hymns, and dancing with the underwater creatures . When I went through my past blog entries, I saw holiday photos, read about pre and post holiday feelings too... All these seems to be out of my reach totally now. Not because of any other things, but due to the fact that I couldn't just drop everything and go without thinking.

Many a times, I have struggled with myself in the choices I have made due to the circumstances that were presented in front of me. At times, I was at peace and grounded, knowing that I have made conscious choices to be where I am today; other times, my scale was tipped and I was obviously upset and doubtful about why I am doing all these. Questions I have lots... answers I have little... Where is my best? How is that going to look that? Or am I just plain resistant to face certain issues or make some changes?......

Nevertheless, I have scrolled through my previous entries wanting to find the below that I have blogged before. And yes, I finally found it, in my Apr 2007 entry (wow, such ancient time ago!). I think, at this moment in time, for a long time, this is exactly how I have been feeling - the contrast of the conflicting feelings could be so overwhelming at times that I think it could kill me.

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An extract from the book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.

Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.

Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive

no matter what someone does to me.

Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.

Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.

Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.

Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.

Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.

X'mas? What is that?

X’mas is just round the corner. It used to be my favourite festive season… I just like the idea of giving and sharing, for I find joy (and a chore too at times) to find a gift for some people close to me. I also love to indulge in the joyous celebrative mood, cos X’mas signifies the end of a year and a season to chill and relax a little bit more.

However, I do not know what is what anymore now. Days pass by in a mono tone, where today is no different from yesterday and tomorrow is of no surprise from today. I don’t even know what is having a life of my own anymore. I am just tired, very stretched at times…and find little energy to do any other things really. In fact it is a chore for me to find time to do some other things now cos the body is tired and the mind could never be free from the responsibility… not to mention that it takes super lotsa effort and arrangement to make the “some other activities” happen…

What can I do then? I don’t know… for going in circles create no new possibility. Let it be, and just let me be… Maybe that will do.

Thoughts...

I feel that there is nothing that I can do well

Small and big matters

I seem to fail them all

I feel so tiny and inadequate

I did not try hard enough?

My way of being is wrong?

Or simply I am just not good enough?

Some stuff I could never quite understand -

Why do I have it more difficult than others?

Why do I have to fall time and time again?

Why do I always have to take a step back and start all over again when things start to look a little rosier?

Why do I need to pay such a heavy price for certain foolish actions many years back?

I have spent a lot of time with myself some years back and for the past years

To liberate myself, to see the world and happenings with a different pair of goggles;

To seek clarity in my life; to work issues out;

To ground myself, and to move on with life with renewed strength, confidence and reassurance

And I work hard at it – I really do

Yet all it takes is just one thing to crash it all
To erase all my hard work I have done before
And at this point, I seem to be back at square one

I start asking all the whys, questioning so hard again

And there are heaps of things that I would like to do well

But my results simply fall short…

Before one issue can be solved, another bigger issue pops out

All I am capable of doing now is giving problems to my most loved one

Making him worry about me all the times…

And this is making me very sad…

Tell me what I can do… how can I do it better?

I know I need to shift, but can I and how?

Why can’t things just change for the better this once?

This journey seems so tough

And the end point does not seem anywhere in sight

But I need to push myself to cross the ending point victoriously

I have to, isn’t it? There is no return…

Who will be there?

If I am not who you think I am
If I commit a serious mistake
If I stumble and fall heavily
If I am reduced to rag
Who will still walk beside me?
Who will still love me?
Who will still stay rooted for me?
Maybe no one...

Drained...

It's a losing battle I know..
All odds are against me
And it will take a miracle for this to be buried
But I have given it a fight
With all that I can...
I just pray that the outcome will not be disasterous...
And I wish for light at the end of the tunnel...
Bless me hard...

What's next?

I have so much to say
And yet I have nothing to say

For my brain is blank
And my mind is drained
Do not know what and how to say…

All I am asking for is one chance
For all these to pass
To start afresh...
And I will do my best for sure...
Lady luck, can you be with me just this once please?

My hubby - Daniel

I just got my advance birthday pressie yesterday night from Dan. It is a slightly bigger than 1 carat diamond ring. It was a pleasant surprise when I opened up the small box he put beside my pillow.

He had been asking me what I would like to have for my birthday, but I told him that there is nothing that I really want for now, since I am going to be at home for the next few months. And I told him that we shouldn’t be spending money on unnecessary stuff since we have an extra mouth to feed now.

But as usual, he went ahead to get me such an expensive birthday pressie!

Yet looking within, I know it is not the cost of the gift - it is his expression of his love for me. He just wants to buy something for me that I would love and be happy with. Dan is someone whom can be so stingy on himself, yet ever so generous on me.

I want to dedicate this post to him, for I am one fortunate woman to have him around in my life. For the past ten years, he has always been there to root for me firmly, riding through all the ups and downs with me. His unwavering support and gentle love has allowed me to continue my journey in life with renewed strength and will indeed. Though I must admit that there were times back then that I questioned about us, I am glad that I stay on to our relationship and rough through them. If not, I would not be where I am today!

********************************************************************************

Dan,

When I am fearful and bewildered, you are my courage and lighthouse.

When I am overwhelmed with tasks to complete, you are always my old mighty octopus.

When I am sad, you are my clown.When I am in doubts, your soft yet assuring words are my pillars.

When I am to give up, your intense encouragement pushes me on.

Most of it all, you had and have loved me totally and unconditionally.

For all these privileges, I appreciate and cherish deeply.

Like I always said, I could not imagine my life without you now.

Want to let you know that I love you, for the person you are and for all you have given me.

Hope that our love will be like all the diamonds you have given me – everlasting and sparkling always.

JUJU - Hello, Again～昔からある場所～ (Ballad Ver.)

Just like the MV and song the very first time I viewed it via a link in FB...

There is no need to say much more for great stuff. Enjoy.

《雨季》

I watched this Chinese musical play《雨季》, December Rains again after 14 years. I remembered very clearly the first time I watched this play - I was only a poor student then, and a group of us forked like $48 each, a big sum of money to us at that time, to watch this play at World Trade Center.

As such, I always wanted to watch this play the moment I saw it being advertised on TV a few months ago. But I hesitated as I was not really sure how I would be come Aug time. Things can be so unpredictable, u know when your tummy is getting bigger by the day.

BUT in the end, Dan bought the tickets especially a week ago for me to watch this show at Esplanade last Sat (the 2nd last day of the play!) with him. :)

《雨季》is a 30-member cast, with Kit Chan, George Chan and Jeffrey Low as the lead roles. I was totally mesmerised by Kit Chan’s singing, I must say. All thumbs up for her!! Could not remember if the plot is exactly the same 14 years ago (but I do think there are some changes to it), but I still enjoyed it anyhow.

In short, I am glad that I did not miss this play at all! :))))

A trailer below – a snapshot of the singing, the plot and the 3 lead roles.

My monsters!

See how much they have grown over the months! Very different from how they were when they were so young...

Btw, one is darn smart, the other is darn timid! LOL.

Updates...

I have MIA for the longest time in blogging, and realize that my last entry was in Feb…Well, that was the start when life started to take a change.

It has been a roller coaster ride for the past months. Life suddenly seemed to turn topsy turvy. I get more tired easily, my energy level drops tremendously, not to mention about my low concentration power and learning ability. And this has affected me in all areas generally. I start to stop doing the usual activities that I have been doing too - not that I do not want to do, but slowly I cannot do them anymore.

My emotions swing like a pendulum. Sometime I get frustrated and angry, other times I feel stressed, upset, helpless and useless. Yet there are times I feel blessed and fortunate.

There are a thousand and one things to learn and get ready. The list seems non-exhaustive and overwhelming. We have heaps of logistics and mechanics to sort out and put in place too so that we can be ready. While other couples have other family members to support them along the way and seem to be having quite an easy time, Dan and I are bashing our way through on our own… as usual…

I think the most stretched person is Dan, for he is onto everything and anything. Other than his super busy work, he handles the 2 little monster schnauzers (read: clean the poo and pee, discipline them and wake up early to stop their barking), do all the housework, fuss over me in small and big matters, and goes around getting what we need in place… Over the months, we have stopped running all together already, yet, he got skinnier! I think that speaks volume how overworked he has been. And I must say that Dan has been taking care of me in all matters, and accommodating me in every little thoughtful way. For this, I fully appreciate how fortunate I am to have him around in my life. Otherwise how would my life be?!? If only I can be in more of a contribution to him though… Haiz.

We are now in the last dash - I am already into my 35th week, and that leaves a few more weeks before the delivery of our baby girl… My baby girl already has a mind of her own even before she is out into the world by the way! Whatever we can try to get ready and be prepared, we have tried. So I figure we will have to relax and surrender ourselves now and enjoy the last bit of couple’s life together before our girl’s arrival.

I strongly believe that life will change even more after I give birth. “Beyond imagination” is the phrase exactly for me, man... I do not know how I can be up to being a mom, lest alone a good mom. Gosh.

Let’s wait and see ba… May the journey be not as tough as I have imagined it to be. Bless me…

More photos on the 2 of them

Tigger

Armani

In sync, they are...

Just so cute!

My 2 Little Monsters

In the end, I got two of them, instead of one. Long story, but at least two of them are perfect campanions for each other. Got them for a week already, and I just bathed them this morning, so they are smelling really nice and clean now.

See how much they have grown from the last pictures that I posted?

They are really two little monsters that ceate chaos in the house and they make us SOOOOOOO the busy, btw!

This is Tigger...

Tigger playing...

This is Armani...

Both of them.

Which Puppy?

I still have not made up my mind which puppy schnauzer I should have…. Each has his own unique personality and I wonder which one will suit my household better… Both of them are coming to eight weeks old already, and they are 2 of the 5 puppies that were born…

This puppy has a more unique hair colour obviously, and very active. Think he will make a suitable companion to take out for slight more challenging walks and activities. But he fights like a king and obviously will be a little tyrant if he is not properly taught.

This one is the youngest of the lot. His hair colour is beautifully schnauzer with the black very black. He is more timid than his brother, and is not as adventurous. But he is of good nature, and I think he will just be more tame and perhaps a tad more obedient.

But obviously they are still so young, so you can never exactly tell how they will be when they are older. Of course, if they are properly trained now, they should turn out better when they are adults.

Whichever, they are still soooo adorable, aren’t they?

Ipad wor...

Many Apples fans may have awaited this new product eagerly. The new gadget, Ipad was unveiled last Wednesday… and Apple CEO Steve Jobs called it “magical and revolutionary product”…

This table-style computer weighs about 1.5 pounds and is 0.5 inches thin. It does not have a hardware keyboard, but uses a touchscreen keyboard. With a size slighty smaller than a magazine, this Ipad has a nearly 10-inch multi-touch screen, which is supposedly to be very precise and responsive, and works on any orientation. One certainly doesn’t have to worry about space constraint for photos, movies or music as it is available with a choice of 16GB, 32GB and 64GB of flash storage.

Would you get it once it is launched in about two months’ time?

Recently...

Had been busy after my holiday trip from Phuket…
Time just whizzed past!
Did a business trip at Hanoi last week…
And learnt a new skill over the few days there – to be a goldfish, sleeping without eyes closed
Such skill is difficult to master, and my skill definitely needs to be very much polished
Other than that, I could not quite remember what I did over these few weeks
Must confess I did not keep my fitness level well
Only did a run every Sunday and distance covered was pathetic. Haiz.
Felt tired very easily too, so all I wanted is to rest and be a couch most of the times

On a different note, I can expect more changes to come this year…
How will life be then? Will I rise up to the occasion? Am I adequate?
Heaps of question marks…yet few answers
Perhaps things will only crystallize as time passes by…
For the time being, leaving it aside may jolly well be a wise choice…
*Shrug*...

Manta Ray!

Did 5 days of liveaboard diving at Similan. All other stories aside first, the best part of the diving trip was the upclose encounters with the manta rays on the very last day of our dives. The underwater current was so strong the very first instant moment we caught sight of one of them that all of us were clinging on to a rock or something for our dear life to catch a good view of it. But OMG, they are such gracious creatures!

Such amazing experience! I belive a video should speak more than a million words... :D (but i ought to say that the video quality is not great cos i compressed the file from 300mb to about 6mb..)