Long Weekend

Yes, I am finally making the first trip overseas this year. Going diving over this long weekend...

It has been awhile since I last dived... I wonder if I still know how to dive or not. :-P

Have not felt the excitement of going. The feeling is not sinking in as of yet. The long bus journey is going to make my bum hurt, and have me dehydrated because I cannot drink as much water as I could normally.

But perhaps the sun, the sea and the breeze may do me some good.... Perhaps the fishes can give me some inspirations too… though I dare not think about the price that I need to pay thereafter for sacrificing this long weekend for fun and holiday instead of doing things.

Nevertheless...

Lang Tengah, here I come....

More...

It is like drug
The more you have it
The more you want it
The more you crave for it

Yes, more doesn’t mean better
That is undisputable
But how much is more?
How much is enough?
How much is overdose?

Especially when it has already becomes…
An addiction…

Recently...

One word: Stressed.

This word is a spirit, unwilling to leave me alone, haunting me more often nowadays.

Seems like so many things on my plate. More than I can chew.

Is it about the things that I have on hand or is it more about the space that I am in?

Antidote for me, anyone?

“This shall pass”…

*raised eyebrows*

How Did I Get Here?

I have been eyeing this book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis for quite awhile. I stumbled across this book in MPH when I was doing my usual browsing. Yet, I didn’t buy the book back then as the 2 books there were in a bad condition, and I could not seem to find it in another branch subsequently…

However, my friend managed to get it for me in Borders with a 30% off. Thank you, friend! :)

I am very sure this will be an interesting book for me…

Something in this book caught my attention first… and then I am drawn to this piece of writing in it. It seems so apt...

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.
Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.
Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive
no matter what someone does to me.
Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.
Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.
Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.
Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.
Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.

Yes...it's so...

A peek-a-boo game
Rules with fame
Yet not so tamed

At times, it is trampled
Breaking into crumbles
Only to triumph later

Other times, it storms wild
Making it such a trial
To run it mild

When it is wilful
Breaths it robs clean
Sanity it flings

Yes, it… is unfathomable
This feeling of Missing You…

Speaking aloud...

One of those days
Where reins are useless
Fences are redundant

Untamable exploration
Wild surge of exploitation

Emotions, where are you heading?

“Open up your heart”
A voice speaks out loud…

“Vulnerability, when did I last see you?
Let’s hide no more…

Let your reflection shows
Who you really are…”

Jaded...

Think I am catching up with age. If not, why am I listening so much to some 80's and 90's English songs recently? If I am not getting old, how can I associate myself with these songs? ... Or is it influence... by others?

This is an apparent sign of getting jaded huh? I am getting comfortable with these familiar songs that were once hits... It is just like how I may get easy with my usual comfort zone.

No wonder people use this "stick in a mud" - as one ages, one gets more entrenched in own mud, and become less receptive to new ideas...

*Sigh*

Honest feedback

I can get pretty pissed when people cite references or quotations from some people, books, or religious sources and use them in ways that do not quite serve them. They simply use references to justify their actions, who they are, and how things are or should be. In another word, their actions are not forward moving.

Perhaps I am ignorant. I do not know what should be and should not be, who say this and who state that. All I know is certain ways may be better; certain actions may propel you to a higher ground or get you to where you want to be faster. We all have different interpretations of words, quotes and statements, which I gladly accept. It is just that some people just blindly, conveniently or literally take them without deep probing, understanding, and looking beyond what is stated. Worse, they apply them wrongly in their lives.

I do not appreciate it too when people can reject chances for themselves to take a closer look about themselves, and see how they can be out of their usual automatics and get out their usual box to try something new and reach for a greater height in their life. They are unwilling to put in effort and hard work, and yet they expect that results will just happen. Isn't that an unreasonable expectation?

"You can never force a horse to drink if it does not want to." Yes, I come a long way to accept that. I used to get very upset if I cannot get someone to shift. But now, I do understand there is no way I can support someone who is unwilling to support oneself. It is energy expending when you try too hard to make someone see possibilities or to open up. I learnt, after many incidents, that my efforts can be better used in other areas or other people. Perhaps you can say that I have given up…

Of course, I am not trying to be offensive here, neither am I saying that my life is perfect now, or that I know a lot. In fact, there are full of ups and downs which I am learning how to handle better. I am definitely pretty ignorant about many aspects of life too, thus I try to be open to learning. No doubt, I can be pretty righteous about my thinking and actions many a time. I have a questioning mind too which many people may find it difficult to handle all my bombardment. However, questioning is for me to get clear… Well, at least, I am willing to be coached…

And please do not give me quotes from whatever sources to justify your actions and thoughts. Do not abuse them… They are innocent.

Poor Mick!

Oh yes, I brought one of my cats to the vet today too. Mick had been drooling since yesterday and he could not eat or drink. I got worried about him, and decided to drive him to see a vet at noon just now.

Vet said Mick is having some problems with his jaws as he could not close that. Possibly, he got jaws dislocation due to the collar that got stuck in his mouth yesterday. However, he is badly dehydrated, thus he needs to be hospitalized today for drip. Thus he can only be put on GA tomorrow for x-rays of his mouth and operation, if necessary.

Ahh, my poor cat… Bet it must be really painful and torturous for him. Of course, I got to burn a hole in the pocket for him at the vet again... However, $ is not important, as long as he is fine.

... Animals are usually helpless when they are sick, as they are not like us who know how to verbalise our pains and seek help when necessary. Thus it is only right that we are to be responsible for their well-beings, isn't it?

Tombsweeping Day

I barely had a few hours of sleep today. Woke up at about 440am this morning to go Qing Ming. It is the first time that we all woke up so early to go down to our grandparents’ graves.

I am surprised to realize that at such early hour, the cemetery is no longer lonely. You can see a lot of cars' headlights in the usually quiet Lim Chu Kang. Many people have made an effort to do Qing Ming so early so as to avoid the traffic jam and the scorching sun.

It has been a family tradition for all of us to go tombsweeping every year during this period. The history stretched as far back as when I was in Pri 3… However, I realized only today that I had missed it last year due to holidaying in Aussie… Memory loss.. Haha.

I like the idea of going. It is a time that we all will make effort to go together though we will end up hot, sweaty and dirty... It is also a chance for us to pay respects to our grandparents, though my brothers and I had never seen them before…

However, waking at such early hour is of no fun. It usually only happened when I am going to participate in a run. So… preferably no such stretch in the next few years of Qing Ming… 8-P

Run + Dive

Have signed up for the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge run of 5.6km with a few other colleagues. The run is on 3 May, 6pm @ Padang.

Decided to sign up before the CEO came and asked me why I did not, though I personally would rather go for a run of such distance myself than to be with so many people. Anyway, since I did, I just gotta treat it as a break from work.

Wanna make a short diving trip too... before I turn white, pink and green from all the overwhelming things that I got to do recently. Can I afford the time and $$? Perhaps not. But "100% is possible 100% of the time"? More time doesn't mean better? Hahaha... The intention may be so great that all other considerations can be handled along the way. The power of Intention... is never meant to be underestimated. <:o)

Again...

I kena sabotaged at work today again. An innocent comment turned into a hailstorm, just simply someone went to tell tales.

I hate being wronged for something that I did not do. There are also things that are not intentional too. How am I supposed to make myself clear in that?

Be it I do or not, say or zip, ask or ignore, stand or sit, left or right, I will still get the heat in the end.

Not like I purposely try to be funny from the start. Not that I didn’t try to make the situation better too. I know I should come from a responsible point of view. Coming from source, I know I have, in one way or another, contributed to the rift and all the events that happened. I acknowledged that, and I try hard to adjust, to adapt so that things will be easier for everyone. However, that doesn’t seem to give me the desired results. I would be gunned down for the smallest mistake I made.

I am tired. There is also a limit to how much I can take. Why should I be the one to keep putting effort into something that will lead me nowhere? And why should I keep swallowing down accusations? I cannot come to terms with that…

Let’s hope I can keep my head high enough till all these become history eventually.

Waiting

Do you like waiting?

Wait for something to happen.

Wait for someone to dictate or make the move.

At the 'command' of someone possibly.

Otucomes are not within your control and you dare not influence.

You have no right to demand or the capacity to ask.

All you can do is to be passive.

And accept what come may.

And pretend to be nonchalant about it.

Do you know what that feeling is like?

I have thrown my power away.

I must have been dumb to end up in this situation.

Oh, ironically, I like the song "Waiting" by BoA.

Sometimes When We Touch

“Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide... "

Suddenly I am attached to this song again, for one reason or another... It has been played repeatedly today…

And I found this mtv, among all those uploaded in Youtube. This was one of the best, with scenes from Brokeback Mountain, aptly edited for this song. However, I just wonder whether the intimate moments of the 2 guys will put some people off or not. :P

Brokeback Mountain aside, this passionate song is to be enjoyed…

Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill)
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

CHORUS:
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

CHORUS

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

CHORUS

Wanna Run Again

I feel like going for a run again.

I just did one yesterday night. The intention was so clear - I just wanted to run. I turned down the dinner with some friends at almost last minute just to make that happen. Nothing could stop me yesterday... (except for the weather, of course…)

Ya, perhaps I am getting a bit crazy. What's so great about a run anyway, right?

Perhaps I am addicted to it. Perhaps I need an avenue for release more often nowadays. Perhaps I simply just want to run away from some things, from some people, from ...

Whenever I feel bottled up, stressed, or down, I just feel like running, to keep running and running till I am covered all in sweat, till exhaustion sets in, till I can run no more. Maybe I am sadistic, taking pleasure from all the pain and tiredness. Maybe I enjoy the triumph of completing a run no matter how much I want to give up in the process. Maybe I like the feel-good endorphins. Or simply, I just feel like it…

Whichever, I wish for a run again...

I Dreamt...

My brain has a favourite pastime - to dream while I am sleeping. I think a lot of people should have known by now.

Thus, yes, I dreamt yesterday... I must have dreamt of numerous stuff…

But I only remember this one...

A dream like this is scary: the possibility of it happening is so high, it is far too realistic.

Though it was just only a dream, the thoughts that flashed through were so vivid and feelings so strong... that I cannot quite erase it off even till now. My heart is definitely weak.

Perhaps it is a privilege that I get to see a preview through my dream. I know how I may react and feel if it really happens. It gives me a chance to rectify in real life, if there is a need to (?!)...

Of course, I may be thinking too much... mindless thoughts translated into dreams...or my subconscious is too imaginative for my own good...

However, I certainly do not want to face what was in my dream. I do not know how to handle it...

I Just Dunno How to...

At times, there are so many things I wish to say... and ask...

Feelings that I feel, thoughts that I think, questions that I question...

Yet, sometimes I dunno how to...

... dunno when to say, dunno how to express, dunno what for

... dunno should or not, dunno can or not, dunno right or not

... and thus the words are swallowed back in...

Perhaps I am lacking in my vocabulary…

Perhaps I got communication problem...

Perhaps there are things that I do not want to know…

Perhaps I am too concerned about how you may feel or react...

Perhaps it is Just Me...

Pardon me...

Memories

Memories, a blessing or a curse?

Moments together, dreams shared
Coupled with laughter and tears
All are entrenched

Tides changed, years passed
Yet all seems fresh in mind
As though it was yesterday

Nostalgic feelings, a silent killer
When overindulged, inhibits moving forward
Wishing nothing has ever changed

If today, everything can start on a fresh new page
With no recollection of the past
Will you want to?

On Patience Again..

I know I have posted a few entries on patience before already.

Yet, I still need to stress very much that patience is not my virtue at all though I have certainly improved over the years.

I can attempt to be slightly more patient when I am relaxed or feeling good. The patience band will be more stretchable then. I will entertain more, I will rattle more, I will try ways to see if you get what I say and I can take in more “nonsense”.

However, when I am pressed, or I am so focused on getting something handled, my patience is thin - I do not like to explain the whys, whats, and hows. If I need something, give me what I want, and all will be fine.

From young, my style has always been: I explain once, I explain twice, come the 3rd time, either you will get it from me or I will forget about it. Ya, I know it is not right for me to assume that people are on the same train of thoughts as I am; neither can I assume that the ability of comprehension is equally strong for everyone. I also know that my ways of beings may simply scare or piss people off.

Knowing is one thing though, really to have more tolerance is another. I can only try to shift... when I feel like it. Otherwise, just do NOT test it.

Thank you, R...

I think this is long overdue.

I want to thank R for his little gift last Fri…

Thanks for always having me in your thoughts. Thanks for your showers of gifts every now and then too.

It is not about the cost of the gift itself, but how much thought is being put into it.

With your limited $$ resources, you will still remember to get things for me when you are away or on something or for different occasions every now and then. That I appreciate.

Just like you may not have given me expensive gifts on my birthdays, but for the past 2-3 years, you would make your way down and wait for me below my office building to let me have the eggs and mee suan that you have cooked yourself. Simple enough, but I appreciate the acts of love and thoughts.

It is not so much about what you say too, it is about the sincerity that I feel.

It has never been a perfect or smooth journey with you… We give it to each other, we argue, we fight many a times (in fact, too many times lor! Haha)… But I suppose we get to understand each other better, and support each other in the process. We are not supposed to buy into each other's bullshit, rem?

And I know that you will never walk out of me. I do not know where I got this feeling from, but I just know.

"Thank you, friend."

A big four for u! :)