More Photos

Cockatoo Waspfish. It is really tiny and thin that you can easily
miss it with all the sand and seaweeds.
The dive guide said it is rare to find this in Puerto wor!


Thorny seahorse. Notice his big stomach? He is pregnant!!


Zebra moray eel. Spotted it with nemo and actually shrimps.
One of my best and fave shots taken during this trip.


This giant frogfish was found during a deep wreck dive!
It's facing left, if you could spot its tiny eye! Always gd with camouflage!


Thin ghost pipefish. Pic was taken at a deep dive too.
Saw many different pipefishes at Puerto actually.

Random Thots

Sometimes, my thoughts run wild… U know, how random thoughts are and u expand on a topic…

Nevertheless, this thought came to mind before I drifted into sleep yesterday night that I am a bad woman, for everything that I am and am not…

For people that have been loving me, I may not have done enough and may have hurt them wilfully… For some people that I ought to ignore, I am too soft even for my own comfort at times. Some actions are only right, but I lack courage. Some things are crystal clear, yet I hold back.

Simply, what you see is not what you may get…

Or a goodly apple rotten at the heart?

Nudibranches at Puerto Galera

Saw heaps and heaps of colourful nudibranches at Puerto Galera... They left me in awe of their beauty and their vast variations - seemingly the same yet not the same...

I'm certainly a novice in underwater photography... and my camera is given by my dear friend... I took lotsa photos though some turned out to be really crappy :( ... But who cares, the underwater beauty is so hard to resist...

I dunno...

I had a sms “conversation” with someone yesterday after I was back from Puerto Galera.

I tried to take a very neutral stand, for I should not judge, and ought not to impose my views, especially to someone like him...

Below is the conversation thread:

Him: Hows things? I am pretty all messed up. Haha.

Me: Wat’s up, handsome?

Him: I, the self professed faithful husband fell in love with a girl from China. Haha. Broke off but my heart is crushed.

Me: (being sarcastic here, wonder if he got it…) Den it’s not abt faithful anymore. Lotsa temptations out there, I supposed. All done. So it’s abt what’s next.

Him: Back to normal? But it is not the same anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong? Is it me or us? Have I become numb to my wife? Anyway I am humbled by my own failure.

Me: It can never be the same. How can it be? I guess it’s not impt who’s it. E importance is what’s going to happen after this. Feelings can be transient. Marriage is all about responsibility and commitment thereafter. U decide what u want to do with it. Time will lighten a clouded mind.

Him: Thanks for ur concern. I still want my wife n kid. But what disturb me is that I really was serious. So much for my “love”.

... ... ...

Few issues here:

1. So much about being faithful, especially for those who keep saying that they are. The ugly truth is happily ever after is only a fairy tale?

2. When the feeling of love dies, what is next? Can stale feelings be revived? Or it should be ignored? Or that is a natural course that ought to be accepted? Is there a better way? Or another way?

3. Let’s put aside issues such as we are talking about a China woman here, who is the initiating party or who gives in to feeling or temptations. The point is the man will still choose the wife and the kid at the end of it all. The thing is they already know that before they jump into the other relationship. So much for their self professed “serious love” in it.

Most men are only in for a fling, be it for sex, fun, or just simply want to prove that they are still attractive… The selfish self wants to have the cake and eat it - keep the woman at home, family intact and have fun out there at the same time... So if the 3rd party is in for the real thing, then she is just asking for trouble and more trouble, for at the end of the day, no one is going to sympathize with her.

Men… women… relationships… bothersome… yet, we cannot do without them… such complexity.

At times, I wish I'm blind and oblivious. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, my holidays...

In 12 hours time, I will be boarding the plane heading to Manila... So doing last minute packing now of cos...

And in the meanwhile:

MO is down with flu today... the flu bug is in the air, and it is so potent that one can be down for many many days... hope that he will take care of himself, and have a speedy recovery... Otherwise no more fun for him for at least the next few days...

Just a few more days to WF's bday too. Hereby wishing her a early birthday here first, and hope that she will have a fun-filled day on her birthday next Mon...

Oh yes, my dear RC is staffing Advance. Another powerful stand for the people around. Salute him for his willingness to go an extra mile and make a difference for people. Rock the city, Captain. Believe in yourself, and trust your heart. I know you can…

First Break for the Year

Finally, I can count down now... 2 more working days before I head off to my holidays… My first break for the year! Visiting Puerto Galera in Philippines… well, to do diving of course!! After much planning, this is finally happening!

Can’t wait… Sun-kissed beaches, deep blue sea, crystal clear skies, stunning natural beauty… 6 days of diving and more diving… 8 days of relaxing and more relaxing…

Time to let down the hair, to be with the nature and fishes, and it can be a good time to reflect and take stock too… Or perhaps, the best is simply just to be present in each and every moment...

사랑한다면 如果爱

If you had been catching this Korean 《Get Karl! Oh Su Jung》OST on Channel U recently, then you should know this song pretty well...

Philosophy

On the branded 3-in-1 shampoo, bath and shower gel that I got as a gift, these are the lines found on the bottle

"Philosophy: life is a classroom. we are both student and teacher. each day is a test. and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject."

"Grace: grace is compassion, gratitude, surrender, faith, forgiveness, good manners, reverence, and the list goes on. it's something money can't buy and credentials rarely produce. being the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented, the richest, or even the poorest, can't help. being a humble person can and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude."

Philosophical enough, aren't they? No wonder the brand name.

Offsite

Finally, the offsite is over. It had been hard work for both Ed and I for the past weeks, trying to put together this event. It happened at The Sentosa Resort & Spa from last Sun to Tue. We got all business units’ heads in Asia attending this annual offsite, and one of my bosses basically called the shot to this offsite.

This was the first event that my bosses could literally witness how I was since I joined this company five months ago, it was also the first time that I got to see all the heads that I have been dealing with over emails… thus I took no chance with anything that happened around this event. I went through the event order over and over in my head, even just before I fell asleep each night as the dates drew near to ensure that I covered everything in perspective.

And phew, all went fine. Little hiccups all in all… The delegates were full of praises and my bosses were pleased. I should say that the teambuilding events like the rafting and cooking challenge added a lot of fun to the 3 days. Otherwise, it would be soo…oo dry… with all the numbers crunching, the strategic planning and discussions.

I am just glad that it is finally over, and the effort has paid off. Finally, I can breathe a little better…

蝴蝶

人生犹如蝴蝶的生命週期

从蛋、幼虫、蛹到蝴蝶

每个成长阶段都拥有自己的特色

不同的需求， 不一样的思维

每个学习过程 丰富了人生经验

经过重重波折， 也经过层层磨练

慢慢地从一只卑微的小虫

蜕变成漂亮又迷人的蝴蝶

Post Operation

Thanks to many who have shown concerns about my dad.

His operation went on longer than expected. The wait before, during and after operation was dreadfully boring… not to mention I was terribly hungry for lunch by 4pm…

He did have some minor complications during his operation, thus he is given additional eye drops and more antibiotics than other patients. “Most importantly, do not let his eye get infected” were the wise words given by the doc on his next day review. But basically, his condition was ok during the review.

My dad can be such a rebellious kid when it comes to serious stuff… that I may need to scream his head off so that he may listen… Maybe it is tough love, but it is all for him to get well soon and smooth...

May all be fine...

I am bringing my dad to NUH for his cataract operation tomorrow afternoon. It may seem to be a small operation to many... But for someone at the age of 72 with transient stroke history, coupled with high blood pressure and diabeties, it may not be that simple afterall. Yet, if his cataract is not removed, his left eye is almost blind already... :(

There will be lots of follow-up reviews thereafter... this means taking more leave to get him there... One review usually takes more than half a day… I am certainly a hospital regular.

Just hope that everything will go smoothly for him...

胡彦斌《巴黎铁塔》

Like this song somehow... Let the rest be unspoken.

Dreams again

Dreams do bug me…
Especially when they can be so real
Is it about an over rampant brain?
Or the subconscious needs to be heard?
Is it an indication on the state of mind?
Or is it purely too much thoughts into a random matter?
Perhaps I should take a Master degree in dreams interpretation or something…

Limping away...

*%&#&@*!~ I had been limping away the whole day long today. My left calf hurt big time when I tried to walk… The agony was tripled when going down a slope or flights of stairs… The pain intensified as the day passed… So I was cursing and swearing as I walked around from one place to another this whole afternoon .

It must be due to the insufficient and improper warming up cum cooling down yesterday before my run. Or is it purely just about my lousy chicken legs? It is always my left calf that seems ready to cramp whenever I went for slightly longer distance run… But oops, I did test my legs a little further today as I went for a swim at noon before going out.

Hope my calf will be better tomorrow. Otherwise, it will be awful feeling to be in my heels…

Too much alcohol?

Did I have a drop too much? Or is my body failing me?

I went for a team dinner at The Sage yesterday after the first day of the marketing offsite. Reluctant indeed as it was evening, and the time was supposed to be personal. Nevertheless, know that I am supposed to be “nice”, thus I accepted the invitation.

Cutting the long story short, I had a drink of course as I was with all the Aussies. Had a glass of champagne and some white wine while having dinner. I did not think I drank a lot, yet the aftermath was horrible…

I was in a perfect piece after the 3+h of dinner and on my way home. However, I was feeling bloated when home, so I decided to just lie down for awhile, only to fall asleep for an hour. Yet, I had such difficult time standing up in the bathroom that I needed to sit down on the floor for my shower thereafter… Even though I was totally sober, the alcohol seemed to have consumed me fully - my body was weak, breathing was laborious and legs ready to give way …

I quickened my paces in my night cleaning up routine, drowned myself with lots of water before falling onto my bed to close the chapter for the night.

First time that I ever felt this way after a drink… Wonder what chemical reaction had taken place in my body during dinner… Whichever, the feeling sucked. Think I better be good and stay off from alcohol…

What a Sunday!

The weather was perfect today - the sun was hiding behind the clouds most of the times, and the wind was in a fantastic mood... which made my cycling such an enjoyable activity.

We were planning for a Ubin cycling trip actually. However, the weather seemed to be going on a strike this morning, with the sky filled with dark cloud. The four of us stared into it and wondered if we should take the risk afterall.

After some hesitation, we went for a hearty brunch at Bukit Timah Food Centre and headed down to East Coast Park instead. As usual, the bike rental was for 2 hours, as 1 hour was thrown in free. We headed towards Bedok Jetty direction, and suddenly my brother saw the direction arrow that said "park connector to Bedok Reservoir". So well, the rest was history when we decided to carry our bikes down and up the 2 flights of stairs to get past the underground pass to try out the novel route.

A first attempt at this route, every other turn seemed to be as exciting as the last, with new discovery, experience and learning for the four of us... And we met with a park connector dead end on our way back to ECP that sent all of us grumbling as this meant detour. How can there be a dead end to a connector?!? Gosh.

In the end, a usual 2h leisure cycling turned into a 4h trip, with a U-turn made halfway at Bedok Reservoir Park. Our bums were painful, thighs were numb, with shoulders and arms red from the sun when we finally reached the rental shop to return our bikes...

Yet, it was thoroughly a fun-filled experience for each of us...

Again, it was about injecting something different into an activity that we usually do... to get a different high and satisfaction...

Good Friday

Good Friday... Definitely happy as it was finally a long weekend... A good break for resting and recharging... Badly needed...

I slept in, waking up in late morning... and, I took another 2h nap in the early evening too... Opps... Yup yup, I know I am a pig... Sleep, eat, sleep, eat...

Had dinner before attempting a 20km run in the night... The run ended past 12 midnight... What the hell.... It was a torture to do one such long run every weekend, cos it means lotsa sleeping and resting the next day to recuperate. Such a disciplined lifestyle suddenly huh???!!!

My brother and girlfriend timed themselves quite well as they reached just before we were done with the run. They are planning to spend the next few days of the long weekend over at our house... (Usually, that means lotsa pigging out and eating...) So we went out for supper thereafter before concussing shortly after reaching home.

Yes, the run was all gone to waste, as usual...

Yet another nightmare

Yes, another nightmare yesterday night...

It was so bad that I let out a scream before being jolted out of my slumber...

Gee, can I have no more of these? I need peaceful sleep.

问号

复杂的心情 难以形容
有些话 从未说出口
或许三言两语说不清
也或许一个眼神就能明白
这样的交叉点好吗？

My Nightmare

I had a terrible nightmare yesterday... And it has got me very perturbed today...

Of course, a dream being a dream, sometime there is no head no tail - people just appear in and out of the dream, the beginning may not have connection with the end, and there may not be any logical flow at all.

Yet, I do remember one scene very well - I was the vixen that created chaos in another man’s family. Apparently, his wife and young daughter followed him while he was out to have a rendezvous with me. I remembered we spotted a young girl behind us and he was frozen in actions at that instant moment. I only then realized that was his daughter, with his wife just a distance away.

I recalled in horror how the wife confronted me, sobbing how I had destroyed her family’s happiness, as the hubby never exactly cared about them anymore. I remembered vividly how flustered I was, trying to explain that it was never my intention to come in-between or to break up their family or to upset their status quo…Yet, the more I tried, the worse I made it to be. The feeling of guilt, fear and horror was so intensively overwhelming in the dream that I forgot if I was still breathing then...

And yes, the dream got to me, as when I recollected the intensity of my dream. I was such a wicked and selfish woman that simply disregarded consequences by being with a married man; I was such a foolish woman whom knowingly self-created such a big mess for myself... and the worst thing is I was out there to wave an invisible knife that caused hurt to another party... How I hate myself for that.

Icks, icks, icks...

Revamp...

It is time for a change...
I suddenly got sick of my blog page...
That I decide to do something about it...
Spending a bit of time and effort to get it polished up yesterday night...
Such that it is much more appealing... at least to myself...

Having the same thing for too long... get stale...
It is always essential to inject something different into the same stuff...
Otherwise, I would bore myself to death even others din...

Progression...is a natural tendency...
Stick in the mud cannot go anywhere...
As doing the same thing cannot yield a different result...

Oops, I am getting out of point again...

Whichever, I feel this new design is a better reflection of where I am now...
The desire for more holidays, enjoyment, relaxation, serenity and undisturbed peace...

Back from HK!

I am finally back from Hong Kong. It was a super short working trip, with me checking into the hotel at 11pm on Mon night, and checking out at 8am today. Yesterday seemed to last forever, as I stupidly stood in front of our company booth, trying to “sell my smiles” since early morning. Simply, I could not wait for the time for the event tear-down, as I was really getting very bored. I mean it was for the sales staff to mingle and network; it was not a place meant for me as there is nothing much I could contribute!

Of course, it was good for me to be there to oversee the event. At least I could make sure that our booth was properly set up, and I got a good idea of how the whole event is run, checked out what our competitors are doing, and garnered some marketing ideas from them. However, helping my sales colleagues to run the booth was totally suicidal, not to say that all the male colleagues there did not even offer to help me do the tear-down even though they were just there. It was totally embarrassing when the girl from the next booth offered to help me, asking me if there was no one to help me. Eeks!

It was a consolation that I did get some personal time last evening. I made my way down to Causeway Bay after an hour nap (think the lack of sleep and long day, coupled with the champagne after work got me really groggy that I knocked out). As I walked along the streets and explored the shopping malls alone, I was glad to have the chance to be with the crowd and bask in the city’s vibrancy and busyness in such relaxed manner after a day of work.

And yes, there is a duplication of the same event tomorrow in homeland. So it is another long day... But at least I can look forward to going home and my bed after the day ends...

Today

I must have woken up from the wrong side of the bed today. I am feeling pretty blue for the whole day long for some reasons or another. My patience is thin, of course. If one understands me well enough, one would know that my small facial expressions and body gestures have obviously given away my increasing impatience... Yet, at the same time, I am attempting to contend for the best actress of the Oscar award, thus I am still communicating with smiles and niceness in office. Hopefully, I could have pulled it off huh?!

I am certainly glad that tomorrow is a Thu already. I cannot wait for weekend to come, and definitely hoping that next week would be over in a blink (next week is a nightmare week!).

Think I would be chirper tomorrow... since weekend is getting close on heels...

Whichever the case, just don’t attempt to test my patience though. I bite. (What's new?) :O

Busy!

What can I say? Busy, busy, busy! What a nightmare March!

And I am flying to Hong Kong for a short business trip next Mon evening to oversee the logistics of an event... Super short trip, will be back in Sinagpore next Wed afternoon to do the set-up and attend the same forum in Singapore the following day...

Icks, no fun...

Recently...

I have been very slow in updating my blog recently. Work has been really busy, and when I get home, all I want to do is to grab whatever time I could have to do all things except to be stuck to a pc... Even though I cannot access to personal emails and many websites in office, I got sick staring at the screen during those 8 hours, so enough is enough...

Yes, work has been driving me mad recently. Things are piling up, enough for me to rush through things whole day long without going for lunch at all. Luckily that was a rare case (hopefully). N fortunately too, I am going to have a new colleague coming in next mon to share my workload... Phew... Hopefully I would have fresher air then.

Talking about rarity, I made a trip to JB last sat too... Yes, rare cos I seldom walk thru the customs just to go shopping in JB. I hate the crowds and the struggle to get through the custom checkpoints. Yet, it was surprisingly a smooth and speedy journey last Sat. I took about 10mins to get from JB customs back to Woodlands! Gosh... It was faster than going to Orchard from my house lor! Anyway, I spent a bomb there... a total spending of about S$400, with contact lens, shoes, clothes, and some facial stuff... =P

And I am on leave today to bring my dad to the eye centre for his eyes review and to set a date for his cataract removal. As he is diabetic, the risk is obviously bigger… And yes, he got lotsa hospital and polyclinics visits in these few coming months too... enough to make my brows crossed and shoot up my blood pressure... haiz...

Luckily, I got some time for myself in the afternoon... thus I grabbed a magazine, packed my barang, popped down to the swimming pool and landed myself on the pool chair... and I could not resist the water of course – I took a leisure swim of 20 laps before coming up... Finally a treat for myself...

On that note, I look forward to my diving trips this year... I miss the sun, sea and feeling of being free... To be made happen soon... *fingers crossed*...

Quote

Latin poet Ovid said

"You who seek an end of love, love will yield to business: be busy and you will be safe."

In another word, if "you are too busy for the demands of love, of giving to another person, you can avoid them by being busy. Love will give up on you and you are saved plenty of exertion. Busyness as an escape?"

张靓颖《我走以后》

V'day

It was V'day yesterday. I am never a huge fan of this day as it is certainly oversold by the marketers. Yet, I do appreciate the meaning behind all the extravagant and overt expressions of love on such a day.

I remembered how I used to celebrate this day as a "Friendship" day, giving friends some small pressies on such a day to express the love for one another. It was also a day in school where there were much excitement in the air - friends gathered in groups, giggling away while witnessing some of the foolish acts, gossiping about who was into who, cheering when a friend walked over to express his liking for a girl... Yes, sound like childish days huh? But these were all the fun and memorable times back then... We were only young once, aren’t we?

I could not remember exactly what I did for these years of V’day, yet, I have vivid memories of my 1st V’day with my 1st love... Young then, it was a simple yet sweet evening spent together.

What did I do this year? Some amusing smses that made me fall off my sofa, a dinner at the hawker centre, gobbling away the tasty handmade noodles, and then an 8km run, sweating it out together. Sounds boring? Well, I feel this is quiet and good enough for me...

Life can be so complicated yet so simple at times...

Haha

Was flipping through the Feb Female magazine over lunch today, and caught a few interesting points in an article about women and men.

And these were brought up by this author of a book about:

“Men are conditioned to obey women…” since young from Mom’s time. Just need to steer them in the right direction…

"To stay in a man's heart, you have to praise him. To stay in a man's mind, you have to criticise him" as men would love women who are intelligent, know how to think and be able to make comments…

So all the men out there, if there is a woman out there who is criticising you today, all she wants is to be in your mind…

LOL…

What the Sh*t!

I hate it when people send me on a wild goose chase, when it can be easily achieved by giving clear instructions or the necessary information/directions for me to work on.

It is a complete waste of time, trying to figure out what is next, cos I am not a psychic - I cannot read minds.

But what else can I do? I am just a paid employee, at the beck and call of my bosses, to satisfy their whims and fancies, and tolerate their nonsense and absurdity…

Irritating.

92% Untapped Potential

Caught this paragraph in My Paper today, and thought it is quite relevant.

。。。科学家研究发现， 一般人在一生中发挥的能力只不过是他全部潜能的8%， 还有92%都在沉睡。 因此， 人的一生是一个不断成长的过程， 需要不断更新自己的能力， 才能把自己的能力发挥大最大， 所以， 永远不要沉溺于现状。。。

Enough of bullshit huh…?

不知道

有时我倦恨这样的我
如此的软弱无能
过于地放纵情绪
眷恋着人与事
回忆挥之不去

是感情泛滥吗？
是幼稚不堪吗？
还是犹如蛮牛
一成不变？

Length vs Depth

It is funny at times how I can feel close to some people even though we have not met up for quite awhile; yet for some, I always feel there is this invisible hurdle that we cannot cross no matter how often the communication is. There are some people whom I can click at that very instant moment; yet there are some whom I can never quite tolerate for as long as I know them.

Anyway, I brushed against this topic yesterday: length of time = depth of understanding.

Is it true? Ceteris paribas, given that there is a fair amount of communications over time, it is natural that you will get to know someone's idiosyncrasies, ways of being, actions and reactions etc much better. The root goes deep, as you may have spent so many years growing up together, going through phases of life together, therefore you know how each other is.

Yet, I often hear things like "he is no longer the same person that I know him XX years ago", "she has changed", “I dun know you anymore"... Puzzling… (?)

A relationship of any sort is never status quo. It is either forward moving or retarding. Even though 2 persons have known each other for decades, it doesn’t mean that there is an established understanding then, now and in the future. We may think that we know, understand, or can second guess the other person well. However, along the way, we may have failed to recognise and consider the other person's experiences, developments and growth. Each of us learn and grow at different speeds too. Lack of communications, full of assumptions, ease of complacency… all these lead to the diversion of paths subtly and slowly - ideas, values and thoughts are never aligned at the same point anymore... the vicious circle starts, and the gap widens as time goes by…

So length of time = depth of understanding can only be true to a certain extent. Bonding and understanding certainly take more than 1 ingredient to work well.

Pics of Short Tail

My Short Tail

Meowie, Kit and Short Tail in one straight row

Short Tail wanting for attention already as I took this photo

Short Tail during his 1st day of stay at Clinic (7 Jan). Though obviously skinnier, he was still in a much better condition than the day before.

Yet again, you can see part of his fur shaved off from the side for the extraction of fluids

The last 2 pics are the last few photos that I have of Short Tail. The rest could only be committed to memory...

Unconditional?

Just feel like raising the issue of “unconditional” for discussion in this entry. Checking the online dictionary and these are what I found:

Unconditional: without conditions or limitations; absolute
Conditions: 1. a restricting, limiting, or modifying circumstance 2.a circumstance indispensable to some result; prerequisite

So how many things on this earth are unconditional, with no strings attached, no restrictions or limitations?

Let's take forth and explore further the relationships with one another. Can they be unconditional? No? Yes? You sure?

The relationship with your best friend, is it unconditional? Don't you expect him or her to be there for you when you need it? Don't you expect him/her to concur with you or at least understand where you are coming from? Don't you want some forms of appreciation of your love, care and concern?

What about the relationships with other friends? Don't you want time from them? Don't you want to be seen as part of a group? At times, don't you want them to be there to cheer you up, to encourage you to keep you going? You are more comfortable with certain group of people. Why? Cos they may speak the same language, sing the same tune and dance the same way as you do. Thus you seek comfort from that, affirm your own values and justify your own presence.

DO you yearn time and love from your boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you expect him or her to understand you better than all other people, and do you expect him to walk the path hand in hand together with you?

For all the love, effort and time you have committed to your spouse, you do expect at the very least faithfulness and the ability to go through thick and thin with you, don't you?

Is there unwavering love between parents and kids? Don’t the parents expect them to do well in school, in sports and recreations? Is it just about kids and their future, or it got to do with the parents’ pride, glory and achievement as well? What about filial piety? What about the ability to accept the kid even he or she is a rotten scumbag?

The above list can go on and on… So aren’t these conditions? Aren't these limitations? Unconditional acceptance, love, relationships… I contest these strongly. Because I am sure there are things that you want out of each if you probe deeper into it. Be it you want assurance, acceptance, love, appreciation, affirmation, support, guidance, time etc… Otherwise, you will not be investing any of your time and effort on it at all. We are often both a giver and a taker at the same time.

Maybe some will say there is unconditional love from god. Well, maybe. God favours no one. His love is encompassing, loving every bit of you no matter who you are and how you are. Even how much you have sinned, you will still go to heaven…? Or is it about you reap what you sow, about kharma? I leave it at this. How about the other way round - your relationship with god? You believe in god, seek faith in him cos you want guidance, enlightenment, support, growth and answering of your prayers? So is that unconditional then?

Perhaps I am cynical and sceptical freak. Perhaps I am just taking this a bit to an extreme. But then again, I think you get what I mean - there is no free lunch in this world… Don’t be naïve. Don’t deceive yourself.

Short Tail

Short tail… He was a very manja cat which would purr for attention when you were near him. He would just come close to you, rub himself against you and simply love the affections that you shower on him.

He was a cute cat too, as he would only head for the kitchen when he was out… Unlike the rest, he was pretty quiet and easy when it came to bathing even though he was scared still. He was such a gentle and pretty cat that you would not think that he was a male (in fact, that even the clinic and hospital vets/ helpers called him "she"!). Seriously, there was no way that you could resist him. As such, he was one of my favourite among the few cats in my house.

He had been through a tough fight for the past one week ever since he was hospitalised in the Mount Pleasant Clinic on 6 Jan, Sun. Feeling better on the Mon after the surgery the day before, he was able to walk towards me and asked for sayanging even though he was on drip.

Yet, things took a turn on Wed. He was worse still on Thu, and the clinic vet advised me to send him to the Mount Pleasant Hospital instead as there is 24h surveillance there, in case he needed any attention during the night. I rushed him down immediately that very evening.

The hospital vet went ahead to perform ECG test on him the following day and verified that the atrium of his heart was not pumping along with the rest of his heart. His condition was not favourable at all. Yet, she said that he still needed treatment as his condition was not so bad that was beyond cure.

Short tail was in such a sorry state when I visited him that evening. My heart broke when I witnessed his agony - he was breathing with so much difficulty even though he was already in pure oxygen box and he could hardly open his eyes nor sit up. He had not been eating much for the one week, and was reduced to bones and skin only. He was on drip for the whole week, so much so that the needle got to go through his hind leg already. His body temperature had dropped and needed the assistance of the heat pack to keep it up… Simply, his condition had deteriorated so much.

But he knew that I was there, and attempted to respond to my touches and calling. With much effort, he looked at me with his eyes, and attempted to sit up. He was fidgeting with so much pain, yet there was nothing that I could do for him and that made me even sadder.

Somehow, my instinct told me to leave my handphone on for that night. I picked up the call at 9.30am on Sat to receive the news that Short tail had collapsed and the vet was trying to revive him. Half an hour later, I received another call to say that they had failed.

I went down to the hospital subsequently to settle the outstanding bill, asked and paid for his cremation. I requested to see the last of Short tail too. And yes, unable to contain my emotions any further, I broke down when I saw him.

That was the last I saw him. For some reasons, I was exceptionally saddened by his death this time round (I had witnessed my other pets passed away too). Perhaps, it was because I saw how he had struggled for the past 1 week. Perhaps, he had been such a charming cat that I do especially love him. Perhaps, I could not control my emotions as well as I did in the past… All the perhaps…

But I do understand very clearly that death was a relief for Short Tail. Even if he was still alive today and still not getting better in any sense, I would have wanted to shorten his pain. In fact I had been toying with the idea ever since his condition had worsened. Just that knowing it and being able to handle his absence are totally different stories (though I still would have done it anyway).

Short Tail would certainly be missed… I thank him for all the companionship, love and affection all these years when he was around…

Such 'Affinity'

For these few months, I must have an ‘affinity’ with the hospital and clinic. Excluding the times for minor ailments and my people’s follow-up consultations, these are my recent visits:

18 Nov 07 - Went to hospital A&E as my mom had a freak accident at home and dislocated her right waist. Brought her NUH at 5pm after running all around trying to find a GP to give her a preliminary diagnosis on a Sat late afternoon. I was there till 11+pm that night, and ended up at home past midnight, feeling totally shacked out.

23 Dec 07 - Spent awhile at Mount Pleasant Clinic. Nope, it is not a place for human beings. Rather it is an animal clinic. Brought my cat, Short tail there as he was down with serious cat flu and not eating.

1 Jan 08 - Spent the first few virgin hours of 2008 in NUH again. Sent my brother to NUH A&E after our NY countdown at Raffles Place (we were there for the splendid fireworks). It turned out to be urinary tract infection.

6 Jan 08 - Spent about 2 and 1/2 hours at Mount Pleasant Clinic again. Brought Short tail there again. He is in a serious condition this time round, with fluids accumulated around his heart that the heart is totally invisible from the X-ray, and his lungs are seriously constricted by the fluids that he is breathing with much difficulty through the mouth. After stabilising his breathing in an oxygen box, the vet had an operation on Short tail immediately to withdraw the fluid (together with lotsa blood). He was nearly having heart failure, and the vet stated that his condition was not bright at all.

Short tail was left in the clinic. I am certainly very much concerned about his condition. Can only wish for miracle to happen that he will pull through this ordeal. He is a very endearing kitty and a very good boy...

Sundown Marathon

To do or not to do? http://www.sundownmarathon.com/

The first night marathon ever in Singapore.

Hmmm… time is tight in view of the fact that I may be a little lazy to do so much training in such a short time.

But the advantage of a night marathon means there is no fear for the sun and the heat, except those who are doing the ultra marathon of 84km.

Any taker?

2007

Last day of 2007. A year has passed by swiftly.

2007 - A year of changes, a year of shifting and learning, a year of growth…

I have got my own space, changed my status and landed myself in a different job eventually. In the midst, there were times of lows and highs, disgusts and joys, breakdowns and rejoices. On hindsight, many things did not seem as tough as when I was being caught in it. Maybe triumph makes one forget how one has struggled to reach the destination.

As I looked back, I am grateful for many people who have been in my life this year to support me through. I am well aware that I am blessed to have friends who have rooted for me, become my allies, been protective over me and gave me a helping hand when I needed it most. I know my life is made easier with them around.

There were occasions that I was blinded, foolish, hurt or lost; yet, there are times where I witnessed my own power, clarity and intention. Whichever, each experience that I have had is learning for me. Learning to shift, to surrender, to accept and to let go… in many different ways.

The New Year is close on heels. Of course, I am going to think through my 2008 declarations and take steps to have them accomplished in the upcoming year.

May 2008 brings everyone a year of possibilities, happiness and blessings. Happy New Year!

光良

Michael Wong aka Guang Liang has always been a singer whom I am especially fond of. He has such pristine vocals that will easily charm you over and melt your heart. His songs are simple and endearing, yet they are close to heart and always manage to stir up a part in you which you can associate very well with. I have always like 无印良品 since 1995 when Guang Liang and Pin Guang (aka Victor Wong) were a Mandopop duo. Then they split in 2000 when each went on to pursue individual singing careers.

And yes, Guang Liang got his new album《不会分离》out in Nov. I am certainly biased cos I would tell you thumbs up for this album…

Here’s a MTV in his new album that I do like… 《不会分离》

Oh yes, I am going to Guang Liang Concert on 1 March 2008. He is finally going to have his first solo concert in Singapore after such a long wait.

Seems like I have an unspoken affinity with the name “Michael”. They are found very often in my life. Such common name. Duh. Ha.

Merry Christmas!

25 Dec... Christmas Day.

X’mas has been one of my favourite holidays for many reasons. I love the mood in the air; I love this sharing and giving season; I love buying gifts for people close to me; I love the meaning behind X’mas...

Yet, this year, I am pretty immune to such a day. Somehow, my mood is different from the previous years. Just feeling quiet about it, and do not feel like doing anything about it too.

For one thing I had been avoiding the crowds at the shopping malls most of the times this month, and I was reluctant to go shopping for gifts too. I did receive quite a few pressies from many... But except for a selected handful which I bought something especially for them, I did not get anything for the others.

Maybe it was the last minute shopping for the various colleagues in my office last year that had put me off. In my previous office, many would go get everyone else a X’mas present *roll eyes*. It did not seem nice not to buy something back, so it was a shopping frenzy for me last year for no purposeful reason. (Well, I think the gist is no extreme for me please, cos that would put me off...)

For whatever reason it could be, I do not think there is a ‘right’ feeling when X’mas approaches. Each year, it could be a different experience by itself due to many factors.

Yet, Merry X’mas, folks! Have a joyful, peaceful and blessed X’mas!

The Life Game

Was supposed to participate in a workshop called "The Life Game" last Sat. It is supposed to be a fun workshop for us to discover the choices that we have made that got us to where we are now. The time was supposedly to be from 1 pm to 6.30 pm. But the stupid woman here got the timing wrong - she thought that it was 1.30 pm to 6pm. So as the whole story goes, they got there at 1.30pm, only to realise that the workshop had already started like 1/2h ago…

So well, I did not get into the room… For workshops like these, I do not fancy being late… (and btw, I seldom get timing for such events wrong) So no workshop for me, ended up going home. But the irony is the Life Game has started for me even way before the actual workshop. It was clear how I had showed up such that I was late. I did not bother enough to even get the timing right. When all other 80 participants could get it right, I got it wrong. So much about the hassle to make my way there on time at 1.30 pm on a Sat afternoon.

Indeed, my 'journey' to the Life Game may just be a mini reflection of the other areas of my life and my state of mind at this point - I spent so much effort trying to get to where I want to be, only to realise that I stood myself up by making a blunder that shouldn't be there in the first place. There is little effort on my part to take note of small but crucial details, like the timing in this instance. I just simply assumed that I got it right without confirming or checking again.

What a way to set myself up for failure. Where is all the effort that I need to put in to ensure that I got things right and on track? Or perhaps where is my heart and intention in getting to where I said? Do I really want to make it happen, or I am just half hearted? What a Life Game. Totally intolerable of myself on such possible costly mistakes.

Time for me to take stock, reflect deeper on how I have showed up and shift in ways that I can serve myself better in the New Year to come.

Not Enuff?

Often, I feel that I have not given my best
That I am not a good enough __________
The fill-in-the-blank list can be ever long

I feel that I should and could have done more
By putting in more effort, trying more ways
To make things happen, to create the intended results etc

When things go wrong
I ask where I have not done right
I question where I have not done enough
Can there be more?
Can I do more?
How can I shift?
Such that the situation/outcome/process is more desirable

However, along the way, I get weary
It can be tiring to keep scaling mountains
When someone is always a taker
When some people just do not get it
When the silver lining seems nowhere in sight

Not that I want to be immune
I am never immune, in fact
Yet, I am only human
I may reach a point of my limits
Or that I decide to be lazy by taking the easy way out
So I figure the way to go about it is to… leave it…
Till I decide to do something about it someday again…

Hmm..

Succumbing to weaknesses
Giving in to stupidity
Surrendering to temptation
Reducing to such lowly position

Like the bright dandelion
It's pretty but can be weedy
Like the ugly duckling
Awkwardly nowhere it belongs

As with a dandelion clock
It's easily blown apart
Only a tiny fragment
It's readily erased off
How sadly significant only

More or less
No position to demand
Better or worse
Who is to judge

It should not
And should never be
The imaginary line
How should it be drawn?

Notes from the Universe

Bought this book “Notes from the Universe” from Times last Friday. Spent almost 45mins in the bookstore and this book caught my eyes. Not a novel, nor a book that’s hard to read. It just contains messages in these 218 pages. All are short and sweet, yet, they are incredible insightful and amazingly inspiring, especially if you do get what each message is trying to get across. Universe power...

Here are 2 extracts from the book, which I like:

You could never spend all the abundance that’s yours to spend.
Your supply is truly limitless.

Of course, of course, you already know that.
The size of your supply isn’t the issue. Finding it is.
You know it’s there, you know it’s yours, and you know you deserve it. But how to get yor hands on it? That’s the challenge.

Aha, “how.” Did you just ask “how”? You did.

Oh dear, never ask how. Never think about how; let go of the hows. If you wonder about how, it means your consciousness is not dwelling in spirit, it means you’re trying to manipulate matter, and it means you’re gonna be searching for a long, long, long, long time.

Steer clear of the hows, dear heart,
And simply dwell on the end result.

Got it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your invisible limiting beliefs are only invisible when you live within their limits – or when you keep doing what you’ve always been doing.

Push yourself. Dare yourself to think bigger, to reach, and to behave as if a dream or two of yours has already manifested. Then you’ll see ‘dem little buggers pop out of the woodwork, painted fluorescent orange, loaded to the teeth with logic, imploring you to turn around and go back to safety!

Do something, do it today, something you wouldn’t normally do. Like maybe… take off early from work and go see a matinee movie.

Aha! Did you just see a couple of ‘em?!

Be warned: Sometimes, once exposed, they’ll try to snuggle up to you, looking sooo innocent and adorable. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, they’ll start with their “baby talk.” Sickening.

A Lesson Learnt from My Mom

I remembered the days when I was young and I used to throw tantrums and sulk. Such wilful kid I am huh? (Confession: I still sulk and throw tantrums nowadays too...Oops). Yet, there was one lesson that I picked up from my mummy on this.

I remembered my brothers or I would go on 'strike' at times and refuse to take our lunch or dinner. Yup, we thought it was a smart way of protesting to voice out unhappiness, to show displeasure or to display anger.

My mummy would just shrug her shoulders and said, “If you do not want to eat, it is you who go hungry, not me. It is you who suffer, not me...”

That was a teaching that I always remembered for one reason or another. Translated into more ‘adult’ terms, it just means many a time, we behave or show up in certain ways we think may hurt others around us or we may think our actions are inconsequential, yet, at the end of the day, we are just self sabotaging only.

If we choose to be rebellious and fail in exams to go against our parents; if we decide to ill treat ourselves to make the other party guilty for breaking up with us; if we decide to live a life of destruction just to spite some people, we are the ones who ultimately pay the price, not our parents, not our ex-partner or any other person out there.

Of course, we may be caught in situations that we sabotage ourselves without knowing. After all, we are all human beings with feelings, and are still learning. Yet, for the obvious, there is really no excuse. We cannot always get carried away by our feelings or evaluations, and be excused for all the things we have done or not done, especially when certain wilful acts do not serve us in a right and meaningful way.

I thank my mom for teaching me this.

Pretend?

Pretend... as if nothing has happened; as if everything is back to how it used to be.

Can it be? Will it be? Can anything be so easily erased and forgotten?

Or is it simply about taking the easy way out by sweeping issues, events, feelings under the carpet? Behaving as if everything is fine, knowing that it can never be the same ever as the root of the issues has never been faced up or addressed at all?

Time is the ultimate medicine or antidote? (Or is it the worst poison to any memory that one holds?)

I would choose to think that as time slips past each day, some people and things have lost their significance and place - they are not as close to the heart anymore, thus all that had happened no longer matter.

Consequently, there is no need to be bothered by it or to care about it much further anymore. Just let it be... and so be it...

The world is constantly evolving. We are taking steps forward every day. It is plain naiveness to think it can be status quo.

Standard Chartered Half Marathon 2007

Did the Standard Chartered half marathon yesterday. Woke up at 4.30am after a less than 5h sleep to prepare myself for the run. The flag off was at 6.15am, and it was really crowded that it took me more than 5 mins to step past the starting line.

My crunch time came at about 16km, where my arches hurt like anything, and my thighs and calves were almost cramping. I kept murmuring to myself, getting myself to push on; I let out a whisper of despair. The sun was exceptionally hot this year, with the rays shining straight onto the face at about 8am. Yet, when I know the finishing line was so close at 17km, I just ran with all the remaining strength that I could possibly muster.

I completed the run in about 2h 20min, with the timing a little better as compared to last year. It was certainly not a spectacular timing to have for many, but I am glad that I did achieve a better timing this year. I would not be able to tolerate myself if I fared worse, for some reasons.

Was indeed tired when I reached home after a hearty breakfast, knocking out from 11.30am to 4.30pm, with many visits to the toilets and gulping down of water in between.

Today my whole legs are aching, including my stomach muscles. Stairways are a torture today. But I am really glad that I did my run yesterday. For these few years, I have always used this Standard Chartered run to mark the end of a year in spectacular.

It also serves as a continuous learning, reminder and training - no matter how hard the going is, the end point is my goal; crunch time is where I need to face up, but give up I should not. The victory waiting at the end line is worth all the hard work and the pain... I just need to grit my teeth and see it through, as the taste of victory is sweet...

Distinction 5 Again

There is no coincidence why this distinction:

“My vision and commitments dictate my actions, not my feelings, assessment or evaluation"

support me best most of the times, as I realised I really do have lotsa judgements, thoughts and feelings towards many things that happen around me… so much so that sometimes, I just get derailed by all of it …

I just need to be grounded huh, don’t I?

How it will grow

It is not about the number of gifts received;
It is not about the cost value of each gift;
Neither it is about the frequency of gifts;
Though I’m sure everyone (and I do) love the occasional lavish pampering with gifts.

It is about the ability to communicate on the same note,
Though viewpoints and stands may be totally different;
It is about the willingness to align towards a common vision;
And the capacity to walk, explore and grow together.
That is how any relationship will flourish over time.

Birds of the same feathers flock together?
Yes, I do think so, if it's taken on the right note.

My Sat

• Attended my advance buddy baby's full month celebration at Lao Bei Jing at noon and had a good time catching up with some of the fellow mates. The baby is really cute and amazingly quiet!
• Had a breakdown as some things had finally reached my limits, totally beyond my comprehension, patience and support means, and I am washing my hands off.
• Did a 16km run in the evening as a training for my upcoming half marathon in a week time. My legs seem wanna give way though. A price to pay for my laziness in training.
• The bright, full moon was hard to miss. It always seems so near yet so far. I love it still though. Nonetheless, it is always a good old companion to have during my runs at nights.

More Thots

Outsiders always have a clearer picture than the involved parties? I figure so, isn't it? At times, it can be so glaringly straight in the face for the outsiders, yet, the involved party is clouded by his or her own judgments, assessments or emotions.

I do presume it is always easier and clearer to any bystander cos there are no additional emotions involved. At such, one can fully, clearly, rationally see the whole picture without being influenced or caught in own spiral trap.

Personally, it is sometimes so crystal clear to me about certain issues, certain solutions or ways of doing. Thus, there are times where I am totally impatient, frustrated and irritated when some cannot get it, or how they choose to short sell themselves or go about self sabotaging by creating a bigger shit hole for themselves than necessary.

Yet, being caught in similar situations before, I can perfectly understand how the mind and thoughts are clouded and the heart is confused. Everything seems to be hazy, with no one clear solution or way out…

Introspection is always necessary. Yet, if introspection just revolves around a few parameters, I can never see outside my own box, and never be able to see other possibilities. We all have our "blind spots", thus, I'm always appreciative of people who have been around me to support me and point out certain perspectives that I have failed to consider. Of course, it can be hurting at times to face up to the cold "truth". It takes a lot of courage to fish out everything, especially emotions, which may have been so tightly and nicely wrapped up, and swept under the carpet for donkey years. I may fail to recognise the non-serving beliefs that I may have towards many issues, people or events as they may be so deeply entrenched somewhere in me unknowingly. All the excuses that I have come up with to cover up for whatever event/ feeling etc , I may be convinced that they are the actual reasons or facts already.

Yet, I know that if I could identify and face them boldly, that is where I learn, grow and be better.

I always remember and do agree with what HS has said before – it is certain that we will learn whatever we need to learn in our life, just that we can take 15 years to learn it or simply take an accelerated platform and learn within a much shorter time frame. I am also clear that if I never learn what I need to learn, the same thing will happen to me repeatedly till I learn how to approach or view the matter differently.

Well, I don't have that many 15 years… I would not be able to tolerate myself taking such snail steps… I think I will frustrate myself to death… I just cross my fingers and hope that I do have the IQ, EQ, AQ or whatsoever Q to look beyond, to explore deeper and to be wiser as time goes by.

"The Rose"

I always remember this song “The Rose”. I had heard this song many a times long before, but the lyrics never did strike a cord in me till a few years back. I remembered we were at our friend’s publishing firm for a small group meeting when HS played this song and highlighted the lyrics in the song book that she had brought along.

It was that instance that I felt connected to this song. Such powerful lyrics indeed, bringing out the essence of love, strength and hope in such a touching and clever manner. Take the end of the 1st verse for example, it states “I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.” We are the only opening to the door to our heart and love, isn’t it?

I especially love the 2nd verse of the song:

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

How true indeed. The heart that closes up itself will never rejoice in love; the one who fears to dream will never take the leap; the one who refuses to accept can never give; the one who scares to risk will never experience life itself fully…

The rest of the song, well, I supposed you can connect to it too, if you do open your ears and your heart to listen to it. Certainly a song that one can draw strength on and to remind oneself about.

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Practise

I do swims and runs occasionally… Yes, I think you do know.

Did I ever share that I was really lousy at swimming in the past, that I can hardly finish half a lap? Did I ever say that I suck big times at running too, so much so that a short distance can make my face green and send my legs wobbling?

Yet, it is always practise that make perfect. Every time I hit the pool, I swim with the same strokes (fyi, I only know breast stroke well), yet, every time I learn something new, like how to glide through the water better, how to kick my legs such that I am more efficient, how to draw my arms such that it is less of an effort. So even now, I am still experimentaling and learning how I can get better at my strokes.

The same goes for jogging. As I jog more, I understand my body better. I start to understand the shoes that may suit me better; I realise I need to stretch my back often so that my back will not be aching after a long run; I learn how to control my breathing so that I can manage my stitches. I get better each time, stretching my distance further, running more comfortably over these few years…

Well, I think you get the gist of it.

Simply, what I am trying to say is that every experience, be it doing the same things or trying something novel, we get new understanding and learning every time, such that we get better at it come another time. Hence, we got the phrase of “practise makes perfect”. Every experience allows a chance for us to improve or to learn something new... It is about being fully aware of what we are doing, and seeking to improve.

Yet again, one cannot improve simply by just thinking through the process over and over again. "Mental masturbation" cannot get anywhere, isn’t it? Cos it is all just in the mind! One needs to get all hands, legs or whole body dirty, and through that, one can then learn over and over again.

...

My thoughts has been racing these 2 weeks
That it is almost driving me mad
Haunting me with headaches perpetually

My dreams are ruthless too

That I almost can’t differentiate dreams from reality
And I woke up every day feeling groggy and drained

My questions are never ending as well
One question leads to another
Leading me deeper into the pondering swirl

People who have been and are important
I wonder, I hesitate, I question
For I do not know how anymore

To scale to greater height
The path may be more difficult now
To get to a better ending
The bullet may be now to bite

See, I lost myself in thoughts pretty easily…
I pity my brain…

Diving Pics at Tulamben/ Lombok/ Seraya

Some of the diving photos taken during my recent Bali/ Lomok trip:


Peacock Flounder


Ornate Ghost Pipefish


(Giant!) Painted Frogfish


Necklace Sea Star


Bump Head Parrot Fish


Moray Eel and Hinge-beak Shrimps


Nudibranch

The followings

In these recent weeks, I have noticed the followings:

1. I am having post holiday blues since I was back from Bali 2 weeks. Dunno if I am too carried away by playing or I am simply too bored now? I think I am also crazy about diving after this trip. Just keep thinking about water, diving and more diving. Gosh. It must be due to the over-indulgenced idyllic lifestyle during the diving days, and all the new marine species that I stumbled across during this trip?

2. It is a psychological barrier for me to be waking up any time before 7am. 630am is just 1/2h different from 7am, yet I am always thinking that I need to sleep earlier to make up for the sleep deficiency, and thus I need to be home earlier everyday to get enough rest.

3. I am getting more piggy. I have been napping for at least 2h in the afternoon every time it is a weekend or a Public Holiday. Yet, the more I sleep, the more I think I need to sleep. I still feel tired lor, that is the whole point! A sign of old age? Or is it a sign of plain laziness?

4. I cannot go out for too long, cos it makes me tired pretty fast, coupled with headache at times. Then I will feel I need a long time to recuperate. I rather rest at home more nowadays or do my runs/swims. Is it about laziness again? Or a lack of energy? Or…?

A passing phase? An adaptation period? Or it is really about changed habits and thinking?

Today's Thots

I had a walk home from the MRT station at slightly past midnight just now. And cos I have changed into a pair of flats just now, I have enjoyed the walk even though I was carrying tons with things with me. . I always love walking in the night in comfort wears actually. The night is always serene and peaceful, and made better especially with breezes.

Much thought has been racing in my mind suddenly this evening. Thus this entry may be haphazard, with no link from one another. Yet, I do want to jot them down…

I was on the topic with fear and courage this evening. Coincidently, I was on this yesterday too. I personally have very bad experiences with certain things before, thus I have formed certain beliefs about me and the issues themselves. As such, I may resist coming anywhere close to them again for fear I may be hurt again. Yet, deep inside I do know that I cannot stop short in actions just because of a few failures or bad experiences. The courage to try again needs to be in place… even though I suspect that the heart may just stop pumping… Yes, I took the courage to risk it and attempt again after so much hesitation… and I am glad that I did it though I still may not know the result. “Courage is certainly not without fear. Courage is confronting the fear and still does it anyway.” I always hold this coaching close to my heart.

Have you caught yourself in some relationships that can be draining? Those relationships with people that you try your best to be understanding and accommodating to the extent that you frustrate and question yourself; or you do not know what you are doing any more or what to expect any longer? What would you do then – ignore and pretend all is alright and continue as it is, or make yourself immune to it, shut down and just accept, or confront it with intent to resolve, or just simply cut it off?? What will you choose? Is the choice so easy? Can we ignore the issues when we know that they will only get bigger, not go away? Yet, to confront requires so much strength – the ability to bear and deal with the possible hurt that can linger for a long time down the road…

Everyone’s ability to comprehend, grasp and understand is different. Otherwise, the world will be so competitive that you or I can hardly breathe with ease. Even thought certain things may be crystal clear to me, they may still appear murky to you… Thus one of the learning that I got over these few years is to accept and be at ease with that. At the same time, I learnt that “if the king is not urgent, why should the eunuch be?” If you do not desire to get to the goal that you say is important to you, I cannot desire and do it for you… for it is your own life that you are talking about...

Debrief

It was definitely a good debrief of the basic staff team by Ken Ito yesterday evening. Though it was 2h long, never did I once feel restless... Oh yes, I need to say that Ken is getting so charismatic. Think he should be at least 50 years old, yet, he is much more attractive now than a few years ago!

Other than the usual review of our declarations and results, he has gone in depth with each of us on what we had experienced and learnt. He had indeed held up another mirror, allowing us to bounce our thoughts, which in turn let us discover our blind spots and how they may have manifested in our lives. He has also provided other points of views that many of us may not have considered before, enabling us to see alternatives and possibilities.

Communicating aloud my experiences, my feelings and my learning, I further got clear on certain issues through the support of others.

Indeed, I am experimentaling on how I should show up that may serve myself and others in the best possible ways. I do not want my intense being to scare or put off some people, though most of the times, I still would prefer to be direct and upfront (oopss, people never change! =P).

I think I have sourced for more evidence on the importance of clarity too… When I get clear of my goals and intentions, all else will subsequently fall in place – the actions, the iron will etc. And there is no better time than NOW, for I may not be here when tomorrow comes…

李玖哲 -《想太多》

His new debut album is really so nice that I can't help but to share it! Nicky Lee has such a sexy voice that it is almost impossible not to be captivated by him, not to mention all his songs are so sentimental and can be so close to one's heart...

One of his nice songs here...

Away at Bali & Lombok

Seems like I have suddenly gone missing for awhile... It has been like 2 weeks since my last blog entry... Yup, I really did not have much access to internet for the past 11 days. Or rather, I refused to spend my time in front of a pc when I am overseas for holidays. =P

I made a trip back to Bali again, or more specifically, it is Kuta @ Bali and Gili @ Lombok. I was there for 10 days, with 5 days of pure indulgence in diving. I should say the diving was excellent! We saw so diverse eco-marine life this time round! I should go into more details and upload some of the nicer photos when I am done with them.

There are so many things that I would like to write about my trip this time round. Yet, I think I should mention Gili specifically here ... I was there for 4D3N, mainly to for diving purposes... We were diving with Manta Dive operator there, and were staying in a bungalow on the beach of Gili Trawangan, an idyllic island north west of Lombok just east of Bali. The bungalow was fantastic - simple yet self sufficient. I personally love it. It is based on a traditional rice barn, with a secluded outdoor bathroom and toilet! Shiok! Ha... The room was clean and spacious, with lotsa space for us to dump our barangs around!

The rattan Sasak styled rice barn accommodation

The outdoor toilet

The bathing area, of cos!

The various dive sites around the 3 Gilis islands

The cat caught idling outside my rice barn

Gili is a laid back island, with no motorized vehicles at all. You can only caught sights of horse carriages. Locals there lead such simple lifestyles, with livelihood mainly evolving around tourism. Their kids can just keep themselves happily entertained by playing in the seawater and building sandcastles at the beach. Most of the tourists are ang-mos though and they are there to stay for long from at least a week to 7 weeks!

The main street of Gili

The horse carriage and the sun rays

The kids at the beach, building sandcastles and decorating with dead corals

I love the nights there. With no TV in the rooms, everyone was out to catch a big screen movie played by some of the restaurants, or simply just be around with people to interact. You can just simply relax at any restaurant that you fancy, some of which have seats just on the beach itself. The nightfall is early – the sky starts to turn dark at early 6pm.

After a good dinner feast out there, you can simply lie on your back, stretch your legs to relax on the big and comfy couches provided by the restaurants. The starry skyline is simply spectacular, leaving you in awe; the sea waves, less than 5-6m away, beat against the shore, singing in rhythm with your heartbeats, reminding you that it is simply splendid to be alive. Of course, nothing beats enjoying all these with a chilled Bintang on hand! This is Life... !!

The dusk scenery

The jetty?

Bintang Beer, our Manta-Ray room key and the Indian Smoke tingy


Of course, by 11pm, you would love to hit the bed after a warm bath at the outdoor bathroom… I mean, what else can you do other than to sleep when there is no TV or any other much entertainment? Sleeping is a real indulgence itself, isn’t it? Haaa…

The End of One Chapter

“Everything happens for a reason”... “There is no coincidence”... I have heard people asserting these points over the years, and I do agree with them. I mean, if I want to look for reasons for any event that happens to me, and every people that enters into my life at any point in time, I am sure I can find lots of them.

I had just marked the end of the chapter in my present company. Outwardly, it seems like a very short chapter, with only 11 months. However, it is indeed a long journey to me as it only took me 2 days to know I am in the wrong place.

I supposed I had made many wrong first moves in this work place. As such, I inevitably set myself up for a lot of trouble and issues here. For so many times, I questioned myself in the ways that I had showed up that did not give me the desirable results; in many occasions, I literally broke down; for many months, I tried to shift and recreate...

Yet, during this torturous process, I had certainly learnt more about myself, recognized people’s idiosyncrasy, and realized how I may need to shift to get it ‘right’. It may not be that pleasant an experience, but I do know I have gained invaluable learning that will serve me further in my further jobs. And I did finally get it ‘right’, though I have certainly run out of patience as I refused to be engaged in such meaningless tussles any further, and be stuck in a job that isn’t that forwarding moving.

I do believe that this chapter happened for a reason, and I know it is all for the better. Cos I have certainly got clearer of what I am looking for, what may serve me better and how I need to shift to give me the intended results... Oh yes, I assert that the power of sourcing works as actions will follow closely after the intention is stated! I did get another job, a job that I wanted, after being through 3 rounds of tedious interviews... And I am excited about it... :)

After Thots

My birdday was a few days ago... On such a day yearly, I am always being reminded how blessed and well loved I am by all the people around me. Messages of affectionate wishes, showers of love, gestures of gifts, acts of surprises... warm my heart, bring a smile, draw much laughter and mesmerize my soul...

“Thank you” is perhaps all that I can say. My vocabulary is indeed limited.

Simpe yet invaluable moments like these fill up my memory tank, and will be close to my heart in this life journey.

Give me the Space

Think I am a rebellious bitch. I hate people breathing down my neck. I hate to be closely watched. I hate being excessively fussed over. I hate people telling me what I need or need not do. I hate people sticking too close to me for comfort or restricting me in my actions. I hate anything that suffocates me.

I desire freedom. I desire breathing space. I desire the ability to do what I feel like doing. I am untamable to a certain extent. If I am already very independent since young, I certainly cannot tolerate anyone who watches over me, attempts to control my movements, or stick to me that closely now, even though it is all with good intentions...

I may give in in many instances after considering the big picture, from the other person's point of view and for the benefit of everyone. However, it doesn't mean that I like it. It also doesn't mean that I can tolerate it for long. There is always a limit to my patience, especially when I feel restricted and suffocated.

Of course, it does not mean that I would simply run loose, disregard any consequences and go do whatever I fancy or things like that. I do know my own limits, and I love company, friends, feedbacks etc. I am certainly muddled-headed at times, and will love people to be around to support me when that happens.

I also make effort to get relationships going. I love to make and spend time with the people I love, doing things together and sharing moments; yet, it doesn't mean it needs to look a certain way, or it got to be on everything and everyday or that frequent. To me, it is always about letting each other has the space to grow and enjoy individually, yet, coming together at times to create experiences and moments. It is definitely a delicate imaginery balance, with no one right scale for each relationship, nor for sure how it may work out...

Whichever, the gist of it is I do adore my own space very much, and appreciate people who respect that.