What a Week!

This week seems to pass by in a fuzzy! Today is already Thu, yet I think I have left my brain on the shelf since Mon… I got difficulty remembering which day is today. It is like mad rush everyday, not so much with work, but with all other things! Every evening is packed with something to handle. Then again, it is not like I am out each evening to chill out with friends or have the luxury to be TV potato couch... Haha...

And my cat, Mick is sick again. He has been visiting the vet a few times this year already – Feb, Mar, May and then now. His old problem came back - he got very bad and swollen teeth with some bad teeth. He is also down with flu, with his nose seriously blocked, and sneezing and wheezing... All problems together, he is not eating and is dehydrated. So I got him to the vet on Tue evening, and he was hospitalised. He was supposed to do dental scaling for his teeth, but then he got such bad flu that the vet advised to cure his flu first. Otherwise, he may not wake up from his GA after the scaling... Her words “what is the point of having a cat which got clean teeth but dead...” Haha...

I managed to cramp in some time to rush down immediately after my work to the clinic to visit Mick before I went home to wait for my part time cleaners yesterday night. Gosh, he was in such a sorry state. He was on drip cos he is still not eating or drinking, and he was all dirty with his urine, cos I think he refused to move at all in his cage. He was also super grouchy and stressed up staying there. Felt so sorry for him. I managed to clean him up a little, sayang him and stayed with him for awhile. When I left, he seemed so much happier and cleaner... However, I got no time this evening to pop by to take a look at him. I do hope he is really getting better and not feeling as stressed...

My Staffing Experience

The 5 days of basic training were over. Yet life has just started for those who had been inside the room for the past 5 days.

It has been an enriching and wonderful (though very tiring!) staffing experience for me. Unlike the previous basic staffing, I am at ease most of the times (or apparently?)... After a few more years of growth and experiencing life out there, I walked into the training room with different point of views on how I should show up, on results and how to support this great bunch of people. I have certainly learnt to celebrate where these people are at this point in time, trust the processes and hold the people big enough to know that they will shift and get what they need to get about their life in the training room. I have also realised that I have learnt over the years to trust myself in the ways I support these people, yet ask for coaching if I need it.

Basics training is all about self-awareness - how each has shown up in life so far and how they can get to the goals they say are important to them. My heart goes all out to the 60 participants who have worked very hard to take a look at their own lives and creating values for themselves. Perhaps they do not know, but as a staffer, I may be more excited than they themselves, and was anxious to know how I can show up to support them such that they would take risks, create values and see possibilities in their lives at each passing day. Seeing their faces on Sun, each of us, total 10, we know that our time, effort, lack of rest and sleep, and commitment are all worth it. In many ways, the participants have contributed a lot to me personally too - they have amazed and inspired me, and have busted a lot of beliefs that I may hold. I salute them wholeheartedly...

Indeed, this experience has re-grounded me all over again, and let me realise once more how great it feels to be in contribution to someone...

Heal The World

Heard this song over the radio again early this morning... "Heal the World" by Michael Jackson. A big song certainly, for world peace and making the world a better place, and it has aptly brought up that the power lies within each of us to make a difference. I have special attachment for this song as I had used this song to mark the learning and understanding I got from a journey.

I like particularly these few phrases:

"There's a place in your heart
And I know that is love
And this place could be much
Brighter than tomorrow"

"If you want to know why
There's a love that cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares for joyful giving
If we try we shall see
In this bliss
We cannot feel Fear or Dread
We stop existing and start living"

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OWTFGFIA

Somehow I am unsettled. Perhaps I am mentaling about all the mechanics that I need to do. Perhaps I am excited about the people who are walking in. Perhaps I am nervous about how I would show up in the room. Perhaps I am worried that I may not do it right…

Sometimes, it can be such an irony. When I am trying something new, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is going to happen, there may be little fear to freeze me as there is nothing and no basis for me to... However, when I have experienced it once and know how it may be like, I may be hesitant to attempt another round…

Bad experiences with things may stop me short. They may alter my entire views about certain issues and ways of doing things, thus I may never want to be caught in similar situations ever again. Yet again, past experiences are not meant to be taken as a “predication or forecast for future performances”?

Good experiences? Well, I know the process is exhilarating, so much so that I suspect that my faint heart may not be able to take such roller coaster excitement!

So see, life is so troublesome, isn’t it?? Hahaha…

But then again, “Oh, What The F***, Go For It Anyway!”

When the intention and vision are clear, things will eventually fall in the right place… :)

Going back to staff

What a sunny Sat morning. It has been quite awhile that I am this awake on a Sat morning. Haha... I have not been updating my blog for the past week, yet it was a week where I had made quite a few decision calls...

Well, I am finally going back to staff the basic training this coming Wed-Sun. Somehow, I am feeling somewhat jittery - after all, it has been a quite awhile since I am back to serve the people. But, I am going to be as committed to the people as they are committed to themselves in the training room.

Basic training... a training that has served me far and good... It is indeed an accelerated learning of life, which I discover, shift, grow and contribute. It was the first door opening that I took a closer look at myself, and how I had shown up so far that led to all my results in my life. As such, I am always eager to share with I have gained with people who are close to me. Like how I have benefited greatly, I hope that they will gain a lot via this training. I cannot vocalize everything that I have realised and gained, they can only experience for themselves to know what I am talking about.

I have enrolled a handful of people to walk into the training room, my brothers included. I must acknowledge them for their openness and willingness to explore how they can be propelled further in their life. I am always very excited and elated when someone close to me nods his or her head to agree to walk into the training, and I am even more excited when it was Sunday – the day that the training ends.

Yet again, many a times, I fail to enroll some of my closest friends to walk into the training room. Yes, it can really be an upsetting experience to handle that rejection. I may fail to see why they refuse to simply take a little of their time to see how they can be better in their own life. Or rather, I cannot comprehend why they do not even allow themselves to discover what can be possibly in store for them. It is after all only 40h of training!! What is there to lose, really? *scratch head*

Through doing enrollment, I learnt a lot about myself - the me in taking risks, in being open, in being vulnerable; the me and the relationship with results and rejections... I also learnt about the choices that others make, though at times I am puzzled about the way they reach a certain decision...

Oops, guess I have been dwelling on some boring stuff now...*zipped* Whichever, I am going to be re-grounded and will be back into the training room next week to support those who have taken the first steps. Certainly, it is going to be tiring as I may hit home like way past midnight for a few nights. However, it is all worth it, and it will be another enriching learning experience for me too... :)

Out of Stamina

I am a recreational jogger. I run occasionally to keep fit and de-stress.

For fun, I do half-marathons mostly nowadays too once or twice a year. The finishing line is always the focus once I am out of the starting line... Yet again, there are times that I obviously have under trained and started to struggle very hard at certain points in the long distance run. Crunch times indeed. And I may curse and swear, or despair wondering why I set myself up for such pain and struggle, and if I will cross the finishing line or not. Yet, running always gets better after more practices...

And yes, I'm indeed blessed. Twists and turns of events have left me bewildered and amazed... This roller coaster ride is leaving my heart in my mouth. But I am glad that things have fallen in place for me somehow (hopefully...). Otherwise, I am worried that I cannot cross the finishing line this time round as the route is filled with too many unexpected uphill and sharp turns...

Hopefully, I will be better after this...

How Will You Feel...?

How will you feel when …

... all seems to go well only to have something unexpected cropping up?

... the hopes are raised only to be dashed?

... a hug becomes a handshake?

... understanding turns into green-eyed monster?

... an ocean separate the intimacy?

... some things seem so near yet so far?

... optimism seems lonely and depressed?

... memories for certain moments are so limited?

Happy Birthday again!

20 Sep is but just another day away. Another year has slipped past quickly and it is R's bday again...I rem blogging about him last year this time too. How much things have changed in this one year? Perhaps one is that my status now is different. Ha. Other than that, I am sure we had our own fair shares of encounters, roller coaster rides, and growth too.

Again, I want to wish him happy birthday and that he will excel and shine brightly in his own areas…

"You have been great. I thank you for always being there for me. Your stand for me has been unwavering; your faith in me seems greater than what I believe in myself. I appreciate your honesty many a times too - your honest feedbacks, your honest revelation of your feelings and your honest views of and on things.

Continue to soar and create results. The journey is as fulfilling as you make it to be.

Happy Birthday, Buddy. A big '4' for you. Hugsss."

All These...

Death, are you afraid of it? You never know is there really an after life or things like that, as much as religions of any sort may advocate their own versions of after death. Is death that frightening, or it is the struggle before death that is scarier?

Someone once asked me this qn "if you have a choice, will you choose to die before or after your partner?" My ans: “My partner to die before me. So he needs not grieve over the pain of losing me and handle all the matters that may follow." It is the livings who need to fight a stronger battle to manage the pain of losing a loved one. Yet, many will choose to die first so that they need not see their loved ones leaving them...

I never like attending wakes as this means someone that I know got a family member who has passed away. I do not like the experiences that I have at wakes. The emotions in the air can be scarily overwhelming...

Life is so vulnerable. Today we may complain about those little things that have bogged us down, failing to realize that we are simply blessed to be alive, breathing and healthy. The moment that passed can never be revived, hence the term "Carpe Diem".

We can never satisfy everyone too. As long as we are happy doing what we are doing, not at the expense of someone’s welfare, we sometimes need not be bothered too much about what others have to say. Otherwise, we will spend a lifetime trying to live up to others’ expectations and not for ourselves… Is there any purpose in doing so?

Heard this song this morning, at a moment when my feelings are tender. Yes, the right song at the right time… This song has its own significance especially a few years back when I opened a different yet wonderful door of journey for myself… Whitney Houston - The Greatest Love of All...

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Can?

Everything has its time and place
Even the day has to give way to the night
So has the time come?
Is the place right?

It...

Cannot express it freely
Cannot flaunt it openly...

Cannot request for it overtly
Cannot demand for it wilfully...

Privilege and Right
They are not my friends...

Reason and Sanity
They leave me in the lurch...

Sensibility and Sensitivity
They are phronemophobic...

A distance is where I stand
A place do I have?

Questions that I may have
Answers I wish not hear...

It...
Can only be wished upon...

Such Nice Photo

Nope, this photo is certainly not taken by me for sure! How could I have taken such a nice photo with my lousy photography skill?! Yet, I cannot resist putting this photo up as it really speaks for and by itself...

The 5 Love Languages

There are 5 love languages, accordingly to author Gary Chapman. There are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Accordingly, you may speak a different primary love language from your loved ones, be it your partner, friend, family members etc. In order for your own emotional tank to be filled, your partner got to speak your love language and vice versa. Of course, speaking another love language unfamiliar to you may require lotsa effort on your part. Yet, at the end of the day, it is for yourself, and the relationship that you may have been wanting?

I recently re-flipped this book "The Five Love Languages" again. I got this book many years back. Think should be about 7 years back by a mere chance. It is an easy book to read, fast to finish… perhaps it is cos that I am just browsing through it very quickly. Anyway, it is interesting to read this book again as the matter of fact is, I never exactly finished reading this book back then or any time during these 7 years. Oopss… Hahaha...

I should think that my primary love language is quality time, though I cannot discern my secondary love language at this point in time... Sorry ah, my brain is pretty fuzzy recently, think it is on a holiday (??), so I think I am pretty retarded in my thinking…

So what is your love language? Your loved ones?? Interested to read more about the various love languages? Visit here.

B&W or Coloured?

So does the B&W communicate more?

Or it is the coloured one that is always more outstanding?

Which one do you prefer?

When I was young...

When I was young, I was pretty independent as my parent would leave me alone. Perhaps more correctly put, I had made it in such a way that my parents would pay more attention to my 2 younger brothers.

My 2 brothers and I were 3 years apart from one another (nice coincidence huh to be so well spaced out!). I still remembered vividly a conversation that I had with myself at a very tender age. I somehow had reached a conclusion then that I ought to give my parents minimum trouble as it was tough on them having to handle 3 of us, and my brothers, being younger, would certainly need more of their attention and time… So there I was, going to Kindergarten myself, figuring my way around in Primary, and struggling with growing up in Secondary.. Think I must have done well, since my record of teachers complaining to my parents was clean and my parents never did need to worry about my school work, exams or things like that. I’m not saying that I was a model student or I was darn good in studies or things like that, just that it was good enough not to create any problem.

So yes, I think my purpose was achieved – I was never a cause of worry for my parents during those years, and they do focus on my 2 brothers, giving them more attention and fussing over them. The funny thing was I was never jealous of my brothers even though I was “neglected”. I just somehow felt that it is only right since my brothers were much younger and thus would certainly be more reliant on my parents…

Yet again, though I never really ask for much love and attention, it doesn’t mean that I do not want it. There were countless occasions that I was lost and scared, wanting just some assurance and guidance, and there were many times that I just simply yearned for more attention, time and love. Still, I never overtly demanded for it - I know that I need to be mature about it. However, the brain and heart, as usual did not quite align with each other at times, thus they ended up fighting with each other though eventually all did go well…

The me today… perhaps is still very much like how I was when I was young. Many a time, my shouts for support can be subtle; my desires for certain people’s attention are still kept within; my tendency to handle matters myself is automatic…

So, it went back a long way in history… reflection suddenly brought up the connection, letting me trace back the roots…

Record Breaking

Great, I broke my own record. I am still in office now... at 9.20pm...

#*&@*(#^*@)!&#*#*&@^

My dream yesterday

Yes, I need to talk about dreams again... (Blame it on my brain for being so active during the night, k!) I dislike dreams that are intensified; or rather I do not like dreams which my emotions are very intense.

And yes, I had such a dream yesterday... It seemed like I had never exactly slept.

Yes, the dream was not rational at all, piecemeal by itself, with different lead actors and actresses in different scenes, yet it had flowed smoothly into one long episode.

This dream… had magnified or brought out certain (suppressed?!) emotions. Or it is my thoughts, conscious and subconscious, that had manifested in the dream itself? **shrugged** No, it wasn’t exactly a bad dream. It is just that the experience of my own emotions was so vivid that it seemed real.

Curiosity, bewilderment, eagerness, concern, affection, embarrassment, sadness, self-reproach, foolishness, responsibility... were all intertwined tightly in this dream of mine. And the issue is, these emotions still lingered strongly when I opened my eyes for the day this morning...

Know that dreams are just dreams, and they are not real. They are, at times, also very senseless though not groundless... However, as the experience of the dream still lingered in my mind, it had somehow affected my general mood today. Yet again, it is not like my mood is foul.... just that perhaps I am set into a thinking mode. Think it matters a bit more too because I had dreamt of some people who are important to me in some ways or another...

My Favourite Corner...

My favourite corner in the house...

The bedroom...

I have placed a hi-fi system with surround sound in it recently... and I never look back.

The bed is my addiction. Big, soft and ultra-comfy, it simply wraps me around whenever I laze and relax on top of it.

The music that often fills the room is my antidote. Soothing and invigorating, every moment is an indulgence as my emotions swing in ryhthm with each song played on air.

The book in my hand is my entertainment. Insightful and enriching, it always re-grounds me back to basics, reminding me of pointers that I may have oversighted.

Lying in bed reading a great book while listening to the music... these are the moments that I simply love...

My bedroom, a getaway itself ... a hideout from the crazy world out there...

Moments of laughter, tears, fun, craziness and deep thoughts, I have them all there... Sense & sensibility, vulnerability & openness... you catch a glimpse of those in the same space too...

There you have it... my favourite corner in the house...

Questions and Thoughts

What if a couple behaves more than like best of friends rather than lovers? I.e. the relationship of the couple has evolved in such a way that both are very comfortable with each other, know each other inside out, and can accept each other's flaws well... The only shame is that there is no more passion or the boy-girl love in this whole relationship. Is this usual? Is this how a relationship may evolve to? Is this acceptable? If both can be best of friends, two can certainly live together and with each other, isn't it?

On the other hand, if it is not acceptable and not right, then how? Great lovers can be best of friends at the same time; yet, the reverse may not be true - you can be best of friends without any other intimate feelings involved. The line may be thin though. So, when such a stage is reached, can the passion be rekindled? Can the relationship be different? How can it be different when the feeling is no longer there? Familiarity may breed complacency or worse still, contempt.

Expanding more along the same line, can you be responsible to something or someone without love? Some may say yes... But I got to agree with what B said - you cannot be just responsible without any love of any kind involved, otherwise, you will start to resent what you are doing. It is only a matter of time that you get sick of yourself sticking around in anything just out of responsibility. How long can you do that? Perhaps some people last it out longer... but there is always a limit to how long and how much you can be responsible. Simply put, there will be an end point to all these.

Yet, if you are responsible out of love, then that it is a different story. You do it because you love. Of course, as time goes by, the love may become obscured by responsibility. Yet, looking at it hard and deep enough, you may unravel the reasons of love all over again. Guess it is all about being grounded all over again after many ups and downs and looking beyond what is presented?

NDP @ Marina Bay 2007

NDP @ Marina Bay 2007 was totally an extravaganza. The signage to the NDP entry points were found at various points in Marine Square Mall itself, and the entry to the NDP area was a breeze - it was quick and less chaotic than previous years. The only hiccup perhaps was the slight chaos at the collection points for the fun packs. Nevertheless, I was really excited about this year NDP even days before... As I walked towards the gallery, I was like a little kid, excited at the fact I could be at a brand new location to view the NDP and celebrate the nation’s birthday.

I was at the seating gallery at about 345pm, and the whole place was already bustling with the performers and the early birds who were there to grab the best seats. The weather was kinder this year - not as hot as the the year when I was at Padang. But of course, being more experienced, we brought caps and umbrella this time round!

The 1h long pre-parade concert was entertaining. Of course, the NDP was really a treat with the spectacular performances putted up by the various groups. My favourite was the dynamic defence display where the performers had fully utilised all the elements of skies, water and land within and around the performing stage that we were in total awe of the intense actions packed in this particular performance, so much so that we did not know where we should focus our attention!

I love the mystical concept of this year parade, as well as this year theme of “Celebrate Singapore: City of Possibilities” which reflects optimism and pride as Singaporeans from all walks of life come together to celebrate the nation’s 42nd birthday. The organising party had blended this concept of possibilities very well in this year’s NDP. The largest floating performance stage had certainly enabled many innovative ways of performance, surprising the audience time and time again.

Of course, I still love the fireworks as ever...

Time certainly flied past... before I knew it, the parade ended... Can I go for the next year one as well?

Some of the pictures taken…

The floating stage and the crowd before the NDP

The stickers found in the fun pack


The "lighted" Jellyfishes


The colourful finale

Friday Lunch

How does having a banana, a cranberry scone and a raspberry blackcurrant drink for lunch sound? Well, I just had those just now... Ok, correction, I had the banana in office first... Haha... I had lunch with a friend at one of my favourite lunch place, favourite not because of the great food the cafe has to offer, but it is the location itself. It was a quiet place, away from the bustling lunch crowd around the Shenton area...

Sitting outside Starbucks, facing the sea and Esplanade, the lunch was a simple, yet pretty relaxing one. Surprisely, it was coolingly windy even though the sun seems to be scorching hot... I like it there cos it is generally quiet with very little crowd during lunch hour, and I can have the sea and the sun as company. It is a good place to chill out for an afternoon, and get away from work for awhile...

I am in a quiet mood today. Not quiet quiet, but just that I am not like that noisy and such a nuisance...I think I can keep my mouth shut whole day long if no one talks to me... It is one of those moods - not feeling blue, not feeling frustrated or tight yet not like feeling darn high or great... hahaha.. It is just hard to describe.. Think quiet is the only word I can find to describe. Pardon me, I got limited vocabulary la… I don’t study hard enough when I was young…

And thanks goodness, today is Friday.. Weekend is here…

NDP tomorrow

Yes, tomorrow is NDP 2007, and yippee, I got a pair of tickets to go for it!! Ya,for once, lady luck is shining on me.. Or rather, it was my mom who had the luck, since it was my mom's NRIC that got picked by the system. Almost half a million balloted for the tickets wor!

I was NDP 2005 before at Padang too. Well, if I can only use a word to describe it, then it is "fun". It was indeed a different experience to be present at the stadium itself. The process of getting from the MRT station to Padang was a nightmare and waiting to go in to be seated was torturous... Oh yes, the waiting for the parade to start was hell with 2+h under the scorching sun, and yet I dared not drink alot of water , cos the toilet was far, and I was right in the middle of a row - to make my way out of the squeezy row was already a challenge itself. Yup, I was grumbling that I never ever want to be at another NDP ever again... Well, I need to swallow back all my words, cos when the parade was over, I was like "Gosh, this is fun! I want to come next year!" Hahaha..

So I am eager to see how this year NDP will be like, since it is first time at Marina Bay on a world largest floating stage... And only 27 000 can be present at the actual show … :)

Oh yes, there are fireworks celebrations on 17-18 Aug, 9pm at Marina Bay too... If you love fireworks, be there... They are always so breathtaking... if not for the crowd...

This Sun Night...

On a Sunday evening like this, I have the privilege to have the house to myself... The night is especially breezy, certainly making my mood calmer and better.

I love having the whole house to myself. I can fill the whole house with the music I love, making it as surround sound as possible... and I can simply hide in any corner that I fancy reading a book, lazing, daydreaming, thinking through things or simply just to curl up and drift off to sleep. It is a time where there is solitude; where I get some time to be with myself, to indulge in such moments...

It had been a long week last week. It was like an unimaginable roller coaster ride. First, there were hopes, then edginess, then excitement, then frustration, anger, disappointment, fear, sadness... Was it just a week or was I confused - it had been longer than I thought?

I am always aware that there are 2 sides to the same coin. I can be an optimist or a downright pessimist – the choice is mine. In an experience, even horrendous ones, there is always something, perhaps a lot, to learn from it too. Yet, I do not wish to be caught up in “idealistic denial”, to be trapped by own idealistic tendencies, which don’t leave much room for the existence of the imperfect, and thus denying reality. And many a time, I'm really battered inside to drag my feet forward for another step... Yet, there are always some people whom stick so close to me, giving me lotsa support, love and encouragement to make this journey so much better.

Anyway, someone dear to me showed me these few lines very recently:

Sometimes what we are looking for comes knocking on our door.
Sometimes it is right around the corner from where we’ve stopped, sure that we are lost and will never find it.
Sometimes it’s waiting for us to look up from our old map long enough to see that there, not so far away, is something wonderful that we couldn’t even have imagined existed.

Thank you, dearie for the reminder, and that I was the one who had highlighted these few lines to you quite some time back. Coincidentally, I saw these few lines again just now in the book that I have started re-flipping.

Anyway, it is “Home Run” show time for me now...

Twinklet Jolie

The more you desire something, the more it may elude you. The more you try to be oblivious to things, the more you may just observe. Such ironies, isn’t it? *Sigh*

Anyway, I bought something for myself today. I saw it during lunch today and this shop was having a 30% discount for all the items of that range. I do not know why, but somehow they make my heart tinkle the first time I set sight on them... Perhaps it is because they are really colourful and cute...

By coincidence, I was back at the same shopping mall this evening. I was wandering aimlessly, walking in and out of shops for awhile, when suddenly the thought of buying it came to my mind again, and I spent awhile wrestling with myself if I should get it for myself… Haha… Yes, it is something pretty useless though it is not expensive. The best part is I could spend such a long time thinking whether I should get it for myself or not. :-O

Yup, I bought the mobile charm of Twinklet Jolie. Yes, this small little mobile charm brought a smile to my face... Yes yes, please pardon me!! I know I can be, at times, such a kid – into such childish stuff, and little and simple things like this can make me delighted already...

And yes, me being me again… + perhaps I am too free… So I went to surf the net for them to discover that there is a story about them one! Haha... Here is part of the extract:

“The Twinklets: J.J, Jolie, Jasper and Jaz came from a crystal land...... Together, the Twinklets form a colourful but a happy group. Those who meet them can’t help but smile. Given their big, crystal eyes, the Twinklets can see very clearly. They know that life is better and simpler when there is openness and nothing to hide...”

And about Jolie: “She is a born princess and is all about pink. She is J.J’s little sister and loves to be at the center of attention. Sometimes, she can be a bit of a know-it-all, but she is very popular and a real party girl.”

Can’t take a clear shot of Jolie as she is pretty small in size. But I managed to get the figurine jpg of her online... So here she is...

I am never exactly into pink, but well.. she is so pinkishly cute... :P

My Sunday

I was at NUH in the afternoon to visit a friend whose index finger got crushed by the forklift. Fortunately, he was fine, just that he needs time to let his badly crushed finger get well. Think his finger would not be as nimble as before, but well, personally I think he is already blessed that the forklift did not get him hurt in more serious ways.

And oh yes, I got a few good buys today! As I was near Queensway shopping centre, thus I decided to make a trip down there to see if I can get my Crocs slippers. Yes, I suddenly decided 2 days ago that I want a pair of Crocs. Since they are known for comfort, and I am always out in slippers most of the time when I am not at work, I supposed they are worth the buy. Furthermore, I could wear this pair waterproof slippers for my holidays and diving… One pair of shoes to walk round the world. Haha.

Here is my new pair of Crocs slippers. I like the green colour.. keke..



Taking the chance that I was already at Queensway, I browsed through the sports shops for my Saucony MC Stabil running shoes, since the pair that I have is pretty worn out at the soles. As usual, it is not easy to find this brand, not to say the women model. Finally, I saw a familiar shoe at this corner shop, and yes, it is MC Stabil 5! However, the shop owner said that MC Stabil 6 will only be here later. :( Yet, surprises are always at unexpected corners cos he pointed to another pair of shoes and said that that pair is better. On closer inspection, I realised it was Mizuno Alchemy 7!! Gosh, I was pleasantly surprised as I did have a fruitless time trying to find Alchemy 5 a year+ ago.

So yes, I bought Alchemy 7 to see how they compare with my Saucony... Here are my new pair of shoes.

I did my virgin run around my new estate in my new shoes too. Hmm, think Alchemy 7 shoes are not as well-cushioned as MC Stabil 5, though lighter. Well, I need to go for a longer distance to see if they provide good stability to my severely over-pronated feet. Nevertheless, the run was good - new route, new experience… Not to say I have laid off running for quite awhile except the times when I was meddling with the gym treadmill. The moon was full, unblocked and pretty again. Having her as a companion adds mood to the run… :)

徐怀钰《心中的遗憾》

I recently fell in love with this song by Yuki Xu Huai Yu《心中的遗憾》。This is Yuki’s debut song after being out of action for a really long while. It is a song that paints a very vivid story, and I have yet to get sick of this song even though it can be on a repeated play mode at times for the past 4 weeks at least. This song is very well received in the local Chinese radio stations too…

I like this phrase especially:

“两颗心交会的时候
一分钟就足够
够我一辈子想念很久”

“When two hearts connect, one minute is enough for me to reminisce for a lifetime...”

Here is the MV…

14072007

This is a super late post. But well, I finally got the time to write a bit more…

Yes, 14072007 is finally over. It was a huge relief... as in it was a tiring affair to get such a big event going from ground zero. Coupled with the house, it was a complete total nightmare with many nights of little sleep and lotsa running around to make sure things are handled.

The day started very early at 4am. I was up by then, having a min sleep of only 2h. My sister entourage was there with me at 5am. Guess most of them were like half awake when they arrived... But I figured they did have great fun over sabotaging the guys.. haha..

The evening solemnisation started at 610+pm. The ferry walk-in was a fresh idea to me. The ride was short, just 5min, but I certainly felt at home the moment I was out at the sea. It was a very touching moment for me when I saw so many familiar faces standing around as I walked down from the boat to the gazebo. And yes, the moment I said "I do" and signing on the paper, the feelings were very mixed. Yet, it was over even before the feeling sank in. The sunset at 6+pm was romantic at RM, a sight with all the yachts, sea, blue sky and greenery. (Yes yes, I do love sunsets. Haha...) With the beautiful scenery as the backdrop, we spent some time taking photos with all the friends who had made the effort to be there early to witness our ceremony.

The night outdoor dinner... there were some hitches here and there like my dress zip was spoilt, relatives turned up to be more etc etc... Yet, I had totally surrendered for that night - no panicking, getting flustered or frustrated. In fact, I knew I was in good hands of many. So quoting, my job is to look pretty... haha.. The entourage walk-in was fun though it was a stretch for some of them. *Devilish laughter* But actually it is not a sabotage for them; to us, it is part of acknowledgement to them. The 'declaration' planned by B.B really took me by surprise. It never crossed my mind that he would go and think of things like that to say to me. Creative in a funny way, and yet, he could be so sweet. Being blurred, he lost his slip of paper that he has prepared, but I think that made what he got to say even closer to the heart.

The night was perfect - nice windy weather, good food, casual and relaxed atmosphere, great music with lotsa mingling. I love the band’s singing, though after the first 2 songs, I got no time to pay any more attention to them. I felt really blessed for the excellent weather that night, taking into consideration that it had rained on all other weekends in Jul. If it had rained, the consequences would be unthinkable as there was no backup plan at all!

It was finally something different too cos I am often pretty bored when I am seated down at a wedding dinner in a confined space... I do not know if others had such a great night for their own day, but personally, I had lotsa fun that night, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. The only regret is that we both did not have enough time to go around separately spending at least a few min with the guests at each table.

Furthermore, we had put in a lot of effort in handling all the big things like the food menu, flow of the day and the live band to the small details like the wedding favours & cards, table labels, guest cards, flowers deco etc, the satisfaction was great when the whole event went nicely as planned. However, I gotta attribute the whole day success to our coordinator and friends' gang who were there to 'weather' all hiccups and ensure that all was fine. I know it would never be such a great bang if not for them. And of course, how can I forget the fun-loving bunch of friends who were there, making the day even better than ever…? It is always the people around that made a day, an event, a place or a moment special.

Certainly, 140707 is a day which I would have a lot of fond memories of.

Phuket Trip

What a siong Sunday actually… Have been doing housework whole day long since I woke up mid morning… The chores seem endless, and I was dead beat when it was finally dinner time…

And yes, I just touched down airport close to 2am today only. I have spent 6 days @ Patong beach in Phuket from last Monday… A long awaited break from all the things here. The funny thing is time always seem to be in scarcity when one is on holidays!

And yup, it was a good getaway from the entire hectic schedule for the past months. It was like eat, sleep, relax and rot… I think this is the only holidays so far that I spent a lot of time taking beauty sleep – waking up late, taking naps almost every day. In fact, I spent the whole afternoon sleeping away when we got our hotel room on Mon. Such sinful indulgence…

2 days was spent at Patong beach itself, where we just lazed on the beach chair, watching the day went by, observing the people and actions on the beach, playing with the waves whenever we felt like it, and of course soaking up the sun, sea and breezes. Yup, how can I ever forget about diving in a place like Phuket? We spent 2 full days diving away at Racha Yai, King Cruiser Wreck, Shark Point and Koh Da Mai. We did a total of 5 dives, a whole new experience each time we hit the sea into the wonders of underwater. :)

I broke my own record – for the first time, I caught a movie overseas. Haha… Harry Porter and the Order of the Phoenix… The movie isn’t as fantastic as the previous sequels, but it was a good experience to be in another country’s cinema… The sofa sweet seats were darn good cos they were spacious!

Oh yes, the sunset at Patong beach was spectacular!! I could have just missed it cos it never crossed our mind about the sunset. Yet now, when I have witnessed the sight, I would say it would be a total regret for me if I have missed that. The skyline was amazing when the sun was setting. It was the last 1 and ½ hour at Phuket, and suddenly we decided to go to the beach to see if we could see the sunset. And gosh, when I was there, I was totally captivated by the beautiful sight. It was totally awesome! Like a hug that supercedes a thousand words, a picture will beat all words too...

This is when the sun just started to set...

The awesome skyline when the sun set more...

The Earrings

I have been wanting to blog after this for days… But ha, some things just took over in priority ranking.

Yes, my dad bought me a pair of gold earrings as a gift for me on my day. When I first know about it over the phone, I was close to tears. I did not know why, but I was just overwhelmed by feelings.

Reflecting, I know it’s because I felt loved. For the longest time, I never remember receiving a gift from my dad (of course, minus those toys that I got when I was a kid :P). And yes, the pair of earrings that he got me was less than $100. Perhaps many people will not even take a look at them. But to me, they are precious. To my 70 years old dad, that $100 is a lot of money… We were never rich… and he never has savings too… thus I have never expected anything from him all these years… As such, his act has really surprised and touched me deeply. I mean, the thought of buying something for me is already more than enough for me…

Many things to me, is not about $ though I personally believe in savings for raining days. I am not exactly bothered if you do have $ or not, or if you have been buying me expensive gifts recently or not. Of course, I love gifts - they make me happy, especially when you have gone out of the way to get something that I have been eyeing or need. Thus, I appreciate gifts regardless of their value. Yet, there are other things that I look out for too, perhaps in more subtle ways. Acts and thoughts of love, expressed in all little ways, far superseded what just money can buy... irreplaceable and non-tradable.

I wonder...

Are my eyes grey today? Or the sky was generally grey even thought the sun was scorching hot today? Or perhaps I am tired or it is the night and the music that add on to my mood... so much so that I am this bluez since yesterday evening…

Or is it things have happened, and have acted as trigger points for me to ponder deeper about them and other things...? Maybe I am really “too smart” for my own good that I fail to close my eyes to certain realizations… Or maybe I am so blind that I fail to see beyond all these.

Maybe I need re-grounding again. Maybe I need to do basics and advance all over again. Maybe I need catharsis. I am losing sights of things. What a time to be caught in this kind of reflective mood too…

I was reminded that I ought to celebrate more about my results and acknowledge myself more often for where I am today. Searching through my archive memory, this word “self acknowledgement” suddenly seems foreign to me now… I did forget that it exists. Really, what is there to celebrate for the longest time? What is there to acknowledge?

No wonder I always said 我命贱... I am really sourcing to make my life more difficult than it should be. I am not doing myself a favour. I hope I will wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow and what I feel today will be history.

Toilet & Running

Isn't it amazing? It only took me 2 days to know that I was in the wrong place. Yet, 2 weeks passed by, then 2 months, then 4 months, then 7 months, and still counting... Something came along at the 2nd month though, and I rejected it after thinking through...

Isn't it the same as being in a stinking toilet? The very first moment I stepped in, I pinched my nose and complained that it stinks. After 5 mins, the nose got used to it, and the toilet did not seem to smell that bad anymore. Perhaps in an hour, I would have forgotten that I was in a dirty and smelly toilet?

Yet, I am constantly reminded that I am in a toilet, a stinking one some more. It is hard to get used to the stench, cos as I walked around the toilet, I found more dirt and more shit. However, I am also accepting that discovering more shit is normal in this toilet...

Yet again, months can fly past just like that if I look at it another way. Close an eye, and soon it will be 12 months, 15 months, 24 months...? Just be easy with it, and all will just be easy. Time can be kind in this instance?

It is akin to running... As the run progresses, the breathing gets heavier, the sweat is like water, the face starts to turn 'green', legs start wanting to give way.. Thought of stopping flashes, questions of why I am putting myself up for all these pop up all over the place.

Yet, I just want to cross the finishing line... thus endurance comes into play. "Endure. You can do it. Just keep going. Reaching soon. Just a little bit more only...Keep moving...” The chant will be replayed over and over again in my head when the going gets tough, psychoing myself to keep going... till I see the finishing point.. And when I cross it, the feelings of triumph and relief set in.

Sometimes, I wonder that spirit of mine is constantly used on the wrong people, places, situations and times.

There is a reason why I am here, and why I am still here... For the time being, it is still the best choice, so I cannot and should not grumble that much. People always make the best choice at any point in time, isn't it? Sometimes, I hate it cos I know that too clearly...

Let's test where my limit is again, see what unexpected will happen along the way, and how the whole experience will affect me going forward.

My 200th...

This is my 200th post. A year has passed since I have started blogging. Again, time seems to creep past unknowingly.

Similarly, I cannot help but to read some of my previous entries randomly. My first 2 entries... they were all related to same thing... haha... And I am pretty amazed by some of the things that I had written... The things that happened, the thoughts that went through and the feelings that came up for me...

I wonder how much I have grown over this one year, or am I status quo? Or worse still, am I retarding?

If you have been in my life for the past one year, close to me, I thank you for being around with me this one year. I must have blogged you among the 200 posts, be it you know it or not... You have made a difference in my life... Sorry if I may have been a horrible terror and a darn bitch at times... But at the end of it all, I am appreciative of your presence and your limitless patience with me.

Let's see what I will be doing at my 400th post, provided that I am still blogging... and that I am still alive and kicking...

...??

Sometimes, it is not because I do not want to
In fact, I would certainly love to...

Yet, I can't...
For one reason or another

It's the price I am paying
For mistakes committed previously...

You

Many moments shared
Inerasable & irreplaceable
Well tucked somewhere
Memories sprang out
At corners unexpected

Facing you at times
Words get lost
Such mixed feelings
I can't even get clear
These intertwined emotions

If words are as easy as thoughts
Will it be easier?
All the “ifs”
Will not happen
Maybe only in imagination

Yet you’re important to me
As always, for many a reason
Walking thru this life journey
I am glad to have you
Be a part of it…

Latest...

Time literally flies recently. There seems thousand and one thing to do… Yet, it also seems like I have achieved nothing.

Weekend can be a nightmare when I try to crash it with so many to-do things… Weekend is the only time that I can handle all the errands and personal stuff…And time never seems to be enough. But yes, finally my Guo Da Li day was over last Sun. I was really shacked out by the time I was done for the day.

Yet, time at work seems to be forever. It is a dilemma. On one hand, I hope that time will just fly past in work; on the other hand, I wish I got more time for myself, other people and other things … Tough life… haha…

Oh yes, my mom has been driving me really mad recently. She is soooo tough to handle, that I really feel like biting her head off literally. I can feel my blood vessels ready to explode any moment… But I do think I have the urge to bite off many people’s heads recently. My tolerance level is especially low recently.

To me, it is simple. If you do not want to do something, or are simply waiting for me to handle it for you, then when I do it, you shut up and do not complain and pick on the things that I have done. If you want it your way, please go and handle it yourself. Do not give me a stretch of trying to guess what you want, to accommodate your needs and make me run around for you, only to hear you complaining…

So no more stretch for me, please. Make things easier for me. Do not wait for me to handle things. I rarely know how to shout for helps. So when I get tired of waiting, I will do it myself even though I may struggle… Do not let me second guess your needs as well. Just tell me straight in the face. If I can do it, I will.. If I can't, then... I also dunno how.. haha..

Last Night...

When was the last time you have some quiet time to yourself? Was it yesterday, a week ago, or you can't even remember?

It was a Wed night, past midnight. The neighbourhood was quiet. Such serenity. The radio was on, playing some oldies, and the soothing melody filled the house. The sky was clear. Out on the balcony, I could hear the sounds of the water downstairs. The gentle breeze on the face was a good feeling. Staring into the sky, I realised the stars were out to play. It was certainly a beautiful sight, and a great moment...Yes, it is usually too bright locally to see lotsa stars. However, I realised if you pay attention at times, you may notice the sky can be filled with quite a number of them.

... There are too many things that you and I may have taken for granted... Being caught in the rat race, we sometimes may get so caught up with the challenges and nitty gritty of the fast-paced life... that we fail to even stop for a moment to appreciate the beauty and amazements that surround us all the time.

It is so easy to lose oneself... to forget why one has started out for... to miss out or take for granted those people whom have always been around... it is also easy to get out of touch and disconnected with one's innermost feelings too...

Learning to appreciate the small details can bring moments of happiness, I suppose. Constant reminders to myself is necessary.

《我不想忘记你》

Heard this song over the radio for the first time… N once again, a liner caught my attention.

Managed to get this song in my collection now. Seems like it is not a new song. If I am not wrong, this is a song of a Chinese drama series in Taiwan. I like this song… The singer's voice is crispy clear and untainted. The lyrics... yes, it can be close to the heart of many.

Hmm, let me test my translation skills here, since I have been doing a fair bit of English to Chinese translation recently. Let's try doing the other way round.

The chorus in translated English in the most literal sense:

"I try hard to think of you
With tears in laughter
Letting myself love you deeply
And then learning to let go

I do not wish to forget you
Even if I can, I'd rather remember all the hurt

I try hard to think of you
Even if I am to tear, I do not mind
With best wishes and gratefulness
I lost you with courage

Loving you is a hard decision
But I'm not saying sorry..."

Is my translation skills good enough? :P

Gym...

I hit the treadmill properly for the first time in my whole life yesterday. Ok ok, I admit that I am a mountain turtle when it comes to the gym. I always think that I am idiot with all these equipments and I always got this funny image in my brain that I will fall flat on my nose while on the treadmill. Haha.

The matter of fact is, I have never like confined rooms for exercising, thus given a choice, I rather workout in other forms where I can come close to the air and nature outdoor. That gives me a sense of freedom…

Yet, yes, I have stopped jogging at my regular route for the past 3+ weeks already. Feeling restrained and pent-up, I decide to check out the gym room in the afternoon yesterday. For once, I did a proper run on the treadmill, though only 2x for an interval of 15 min each. At the same time, I played around with the cycling and weight machines too. I did not do much in that small room, however, it did feel good to break out into sweat.

Guess I may have to shift and do some jogging at the gym itself going forward. At least it is not weather-dependent. At least, I can play around with other machines too if my back or feet protest again. Yet, going gym is constrained by the closing hour of 10p.m. I figure there is no best of both worlds...ultimately, I have to reach a compromise.

Less is More

Saying less is more
... when trying becomes fruitless
... when judgments are stones
... when no wrong can be right and all rights become wrong
... when all senses are numbed
... when the best it can be is a zombie

*silence*

Recently again...

I have a lot that I will like to blog recently. Some of the happenings, as well as some of the thoughts and feelings that have flashed through recently. Yet, time is a constraint. Ha.. I can't seem to find the time to pen down all of them.

In summary, I realise trying to shift house is of no fun, packing too many to-do items in a day is so tiring and my energy is not enough to last me. Yet, I think the process should be enjoyed. My patience is running really dry at times, and I am really a perfectionist in the things that I do if I am to put it nicely, i.e. I am quite demanding in a blunt sense. I have not been jogging for the longest time too- at least 3 weeks, though I still hit the swimming pool once a week. Think I am getting unhealthier, fatter and uglier.

I am also very appreciative of many people, for all the loves showered, the nice gestures and for stepping in to support me in every little way possible. I know I am indeed very blessed to have these people around me... they make everything easier... And there are words of thoughts and feelings that I can never quite bring myself to say to some people. The hesitation sometimes makes me wonder what’s up with me.

I think that is about it. By the way, I have never been exactly good at summary since school days. I do not know how to pick up the main points and summarise. I always scored very badly. Haha.

The Way It Is?

Isn't the heart an unfathomable object?

A lot say that the heart would not lie, so just follow it. However, sometimes the heart is in a fuzzy mode too, isn’t it? Do not know whether the brain confuses it, or it confuses the brain… Whichever, the interaction of these 2 forces sometimes complicate a possibly simple matter.

Perhaps time is the best antidote to all fuzziness? Time help to clear all the doubts and bewilderment there may possibly be? … Provided one can hang on that long enough for the clouded mind or heart to clear.

Anyway, something unrelated (or possibly related?!?)… Here's a song that I fell in love with recently: Christina Baustista, The Way You Look at Me... Just click the "play" button twice to hear it. It is a beautiful piece...

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Kit

My cat, Kit is back at the animal clinic. She is hospitalised again. This is her 2nd time in after a week stay from 25 - 1 Jun. She got pancreatitis - inflammation of the pancreas, a gland organ in the digestive and endocrine systems.

She was looking chirper after 5 days stay in the clinic, and she was discharged on the 7th day on last Friday to be nursed at home. I also brought her for check-up on Mon, and the blood test showed she was getting better though her electrolytes number is still higher than the average.

However, on Tues, she vomitted her medicine and food a few times. The vet has already forewarned me that if she shows any odd signs like rejecting food, she ought to be sent back immediately.

So there she is again. I went to see her yesterday evening. She certainly seems legtharic and weak.

This is Kit, with the drip on her front right paw. I think she is feeling too sick to even want to stand up and walk. But I cannot blame her, cos she cannot eat nor drink anything. The drip keeps her going.

Another shot of her...

This is her drip. Hmm, she is on NaCl, Sodium Cloride i.e. salt water? It reminded me of my own drip the last time. Ha.

I hope she will get well soon… She is too precious...

Need to Get It Out of System

Firstly, I think I fail in acting… terribly. I do not know how to act otherwise from how I feel. If I do not like you, it is shown all over my face. If I do not want to entertain you, I will not bother. If I decide to draw the distance from you, I do not know how to act friendly in front of everyone else too. I do not know how to be that hypocritical. I am still learning, and think I still fail with an F9.

And do I create problems? Am I hard to get along?

I cannot explain myself clearly in many things. Sometimes, things happen and I am just there. In many other instances, I will not bother to explain much too. If you understand me as a person, you will know it better. And what point is there for me to say more if you are already assuming?

Strong appearances, is that a fault or a strength? Do not assume that I show up like I am stronger in characters mean I am the one going around creating troubles. Do not assume that I can take all things better just because I seem like I could. Do not assume that I am the difficult one just because of the ways I talk too.

Perhaps I have contributed to a certain situation in a sense or another. However, I will not have reacted the way I did if I am not pushed over a certain limit. And if there is any fault, I think it is because my acting is still immature. Given time, I think I will never really improve too. I do not have the talent for it…

Millionaire

Did you buy hope yesterday? I did... $6.2 million of winnings... Toto...

Too bad, my hopes were dashed at 10pm last night.

But there is one winner, who bought his winning ticket at Peninsula Plaza. He is for sure happy like anything. Overnight, he is a millionaire. He can throw the letter in his boss's face today and walk out immediately...

Mood?

My mood is totally off today.

Tired? Yes, I think I am... Insufficient rest? Not exactly. I have been sleeping at my usual bedtime hours. Bad mood? Not exactly too... Yet, perhaps it is... Just feel glum. Just feel quiet. Just do not feel like entertaining people in general or put on a smiling face just for the sake of others too... So for people that are out of my defined box, yes, please leave me alone.

Sometimes, I just wish I can be wilful, like a spoilt young kid... Just scream when agitated, just whine and demand for attention when I feel like it, just sob when I feel upset and throw tantrums when I do not get what I want... So simply by resorting to all these "creative" methods, I can get what I want... Sound good, isn’t it? *Devilish laughter*

Perhaps I have forgotten how to do all of these... I ought to learn them all over again. Or maybe, to start off with, I am never exactly like this as a kid... Was not given the luxury to be... though bottom line, I am still a rotten kid at heart and in person - I resort to meaner methods... Hahaha...

Paul Muenzen

Read an article in Mind Your Body today, about this guy Paul Muenzen who found life's answers in Zen. The first Westerner to be ordained a monk in China since the Cultural Revolution, he revealed how he got associated with Zen in his life journey, and what Zen is all about..

He touches on pretty cheem stuff about “who I am” and being in the moment. All these, are abstract in nature, easy to know in theory; however deep understanding is required to get the full gist of what he is saying, and to apply it in life...

Here is the extract, though I know I cannot just quote from newspapers:


“Accordingly to the Venerable Hyon Gak, "Zen just means understanding my true nature. Zen means meditation, and meditation means finding my true self - finding my true nature."

To pierce the truth, one's mind must be unclouded by thoughts.

He said:" Being Zen about something means just being as it is. Seeing clearly, hearing clearly, smelling clearly, tasting clearly, touching clearly - that's Zen. So everything as it is, is truth. But when we add thinking, we don't see truth as it is. We see something that we like, or we don't like; we want or don't want; we accept or don't accept. That's not Zen."

In meditation, one returns to one’s breath......” Over time, you get to see that your thinking has no substance. Good thinking, bad thinking, has no substance. Then it can’t control you.”

Incorporate teachings of Zen in daily life...... when walking, just walk; when eating, just eat; when showering, just shower...We do those things but we're following our thinking the whole time. We're eating, but we're not really tasting the food. We're not fully living in the moment. Living in the moment - that's Zen.

If our heads are full of our own thoughts and problems, we cannot see other people or be fully with them.

“Zen means to return to this moment. Hear the bird, hear the rain, feel the air-conditioning sitting here. That's Zen. From that point I can function clearly, openly."

Can understand?! LOL

Such Conflicts

I wish for each hour and second to pass quickly, so a day will be over soonest.

Yet months and years seem to fly past in a blink that I looked back in amazement and puzzlement.

I wish for the sight of the pretty full moon.
Yet when the moon is out, the stars go into hiding.

I wish to feel more energized by resting more.
Yet the more I sleep, the more tired I feel.

I wish for more excitement and new experiences.
Yet the thoughts send my legs trembling and heart pumping hard.

I wish to get you out of sight, out of mind.
Yet the more I try to forget, the more you lurk in every corner of my brain.

I wish for some very simple enjoyments in life.
Yet they seem complicatedly hard to come by at times.

I wish for certain things/ events to be over soon.
Yet when a full stop is drawn, I wish it has never become history.

I wish to treasure certain things that I have now.
Yet the more I try, the more they seem to slip me by.

Oh, such ironies in life... or paradoxes they are?

Sleeping Beauty?

There I had it. I had the longest sleep in the longest time I could ever remember. The drowsy cough syrup that the doctor gave is enough to knock out an elephant like me.

I woke up at 1030am to have my breakfast, check my email, and take my medicine... The effect of the medicine soon kicked in, and I was in dreamland again at 1+pm. With that, I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day till 10pm in the night. Of course, I did wake up for food, water, toilets and t.v in between... Such indulgence huh, for all the wrong reasons...

Back in office today.. It is already Friday.. And it is a week with only 2 working days for me. The rest of the days, yes, I was on MC. Yet, I am still not in form today... The cough is better... but my blocked and running nose is driving me mad at times. And my back still hurts whenever I cough. But I have stopped taking the painkillers for my back already. I do not wish to be over reliant on that, unless totally necessary.

I will get well. Weekend is close. Dun make me stay at home.

Sex & Diving

I forgot to add in this picture the other time.

Saw this hanging outside the dive shop at Lang Tengah...



So how trueeee is this?! :-O

The Stairs

Was walking up some stairs, when this flight of 6-storeys high stairs came to my mind once again....

This flight of stairs...I used to be climbing up and down a few times a day in the past. It started out as walking down, then climbing up, and then it became more and more frequent...

Thus whenever there were too many people waiting for the lifts, or when I felt like it, or I concluded that I should move more to train up my chicky legs, I would climb them. Stairs can actually be a much faster option than lifts at times, and I chose to believe that it is a good short workout! :P

Using these stairs is a convenient and discreet way to walk into the shopping mall too. I would not need to be seen in the lift going down to the 1st floor, as I could simply exit at 3rd floor. So whenever I need a coffee break, a breather, or to get something at these few levels, yes, these stairs were certainly useful.

Am I attached to these stairs? I’d think I should still be pretty sane (?!). Just that every step there was a memory of the people that had walked the same stairs with me before, a reminder of my days there, some wonderful people that I have known there and the moments created together.

These stairs... the good times...the bad times… the people... the memories... the learning... the chances... the seat… the smell…

Am I getting nonsensical?

Late Post - Leng Tengah

It is exactly a week since I was back from Lang Tengah. I have wanted to write about my trip, but somehow it never happened. Oopps..

Well, minus off my stomach which went on strike the moment I was out from my house, the long bus journey, the bumpy, rainy and nauseous boat ride there, the ants infested bathroom, sandy bed, lousy diving logistic management from the resort, all the sand fly and mosquito bites, and my thoughts that wondered off many a time.. this short getaway trip was basically great! Just eat, sleep, dive, relax and get fat! 8-P

8 of us went on this trip, 4 to a room, 6 divers, 2 snorkellers. These friends, they were a great bunch, full of nonsensical humour and fun. They certainly injected so much fun and laughters to this trip, that I was so cool about the many hiccups that happened along the way... A further affirmation that it is not where I’m but who I’m with that makes the biggest difference to the enjoyment. And I realise that diving trips are more fun when you go with more kakis!

Redang Lang Resort is the place we stayed in. Below is a picture of the jetty taken in a beautiful evening before the sunset.

This is the Dive resort, where we would prepare all our equipment and gear up before we went to each dive.


Some underwater pictures here, with compliments from our Handsome aka Secret Weapon ! :)


Lionfish


Nurse Shark with Shrimps


Nudibranch - Chromodoris Magnifica


Hingebeak Prawns


Spiny Devilfish

Wishing for more diving trips like these! Ahh, let me dream on it, k...

This Moment

This moment
Out of the blue
Under the starry sky

Emotions go haywire
Tears start wanting to make its presence felt

This moment
Can it freeze in time?
The distance between us
The thoughts that we connect
The warmth of your hugs

This moment
It is like sand
Yet much reluctance to let it slip
Fearing that it never
Comes true ever again

This moment
Being caught in it
All becomes blurred
Thoughts obscured
Feelings mixed

This moment
I despise myself
For being so feeble
For succumbing to such puerility
For giving in to emotions

This moment
Will pass of course
Next moment is new
Change is the only constant
Yet heart and mind sometimes are never best of friends

Let them work it out…

Ahh, Irritating!

Ah, my hands can’t keep off them. They are getting me high, driving me crazy.

I hate it...when i got bites that itch. I have a tendency to keep scratching them.

I think many of my friends should know - I can withstand pain, but not itch. Arrggh...

And the bites that I got (should be sand fly bites) are now big, red, swollen with transparent discharges. The bites are all over my legs, and one on my right hand. They are a pitiful sight now, though the itch is not easing at all. The worst one is about 5cm in diameter! Took a Piriton last nite to ease the itch, but as usual, it knocked me out... too powerful a pill for putting me to sleep.

Ahhh, I think I gotta stop scratching. Otherwise, they are going to get worse, not to add that the scars will be there for a long time... But... it is SOOOOO hard to resist. =...(

Doctor, here I may come again....

Long Weekend

Yes, I am finally making the first trip overseas this year. Going diving over this long weekend...

It has been awhile since I last dived... I wonder if I still know how to dive or not. :-P

Have not felt the excitement of going. The feeling is not sinking in as of yet. The long bus journey is going to make my bum hurt, and have me dehydrated because I cannot drink as much water as I could normally.

But perhaps the sun, the sea and the breeze may do me some good.... Perhaps the fishes can give me some inspirations too… though I dare not think about the price that I need to pay thereafter for sacrificing this long weekend for fun and holiday instead of doing things.

Nevertheless...

Lang Tengah, here I come....

More...

It is like drug
The more you have it
The more you want it
The more you crave for it

Yes, more doesn’t mean better
That is undisputable
But how much is more?
How much is enough?
How much is overdose?

Especially when it has already becomes…
An addiction…

Recently...

One word: Stressed.

This word is a spirit, unwilling to leave me alone, haunting me more often nowadays.

Seems like so many things on my plate. More than I can chew.

Is it about the things that I have on hand or is it more about the space that I am in?

Antidote for me, anyone?

“This shall pass”…

*raised eyebrows*

How Did I Get Here?

I have been eyeing this book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis for quite awhile. I stumbled across this book in MPH when I was doing my usual browsing. Yet, I didn’t buy the book back then as the 2 books there were in a bad condition, and I could not seem to find it in another branch subsequently…

However, my friend managed to get it for me in Borders with a 30% off. Thank you, friend! :)

I am very sure this will be an interesting book for me…

Something in this book caught my attention first… and then I am drawn to this piece of writing in it. It seems so apt...

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.
Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.
Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive
no matter what someone does to me.
Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.
Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.
Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.
Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.
Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.

Yes...it's so...

A peek-a-boo game
Rules with fame
Yet not so tamed

At times, it is trampled
Breaking into crumbles
Only to triumph later

Other times, it storms wild
Making it such a trial
To run it mild

When it is wilful
Breaths it robs clean
Sanity it flings

Yes, it… is unfathomable
This feeling of Missing You…

Speaking aloud...

One of those days
Where reins are useless
Fences are redundant

Untamable exploration
Wild surge of exploitation

Emotions, where are you heading?

“Open up your heart”
A voice speaks out loud…

“Vulnerability, when did I last see you?
Let’s hide no more…

Let your reflection shows
Who you really are…”

Jaded...

Think I am catching up with age. If not, why am I listening so much to some 80's and 90's English songs recently? If I am not getting old, how can I associate myself with these songs? ... Or is it influence... by others?

This is an apparent sign of getting jaded huh? I am getting comfortable with these familiar songs that were once hits... It is just like how I may get easy with my usual comfort zone.

No wonder people use this "stick in a mud" - as one ages, one gets more entrenched in own mud, and become less receptive to new ideas...

*Sigh*

Honest feedback

I can get pretty pissed when people cite references or quotations from some people, books, or religious sources and use them in ways that do not quite serve them. They simply use references to justify their actions, who they are, and how things are or should be. In another word, their actions are not forward moving.

Perhaps I am ignorant. I do not know what should be and should not be, who say this and who state that. All I know is certain ways may be better; certain actions may propel you to a higher ground or get you to where you want to be faster. We all have different interpretations of words, quotes and statements, which I gladly accept. It is just that some people just blindly, conveniently or literally take them without deep probing, understanding, and looking beyond what is stated. Worse, they apply them wrongly in their lives.

I do not appreciate it too when people can reject chances for themselves to take a closer look about themselves, and see how they can be out of their usual automatics and get out their usual box to try something new and reach for a greater height in their life. They are unwilling to put in effort and hard work, and yet they expect that results will just happen. Isn't that an unreasonable expectation?

"You can never force a horse to drink if it does not want to." Yes, I come a long way to accept that. I used to get very upset if I cannot get someone to shift. But now, I do understand there is no way I can support someone who is unwilling to support oneself. It is energy expending when you try too hard to make someone see possibilities or to open up. I learnt, after many incidents, that my efforts can be better used in other areas or other people. Perhaps you can say that I have given up…

Of course, I am not trying to be offensive here, neither am I saying that my life is perfect now, or that I know a lot. In fact, there are full of ups and downs which I am learning how to handle better. I am definitely pretty ignorant about many aspects of life too, thus I try to be open to learning. No doubt, I can be pretty righteous about my thinking and actions many a time. I have a questioning mind too which many people may find it difficult to handle all my bombardment. However, questioning is for me to get clear… Well, at least, I am willing to be coached…

And please do not give me quotes from whatever sources to justify your actions and thoughts. Do not abuse them… They are innocent.