Need to Get It Out of System

Firstly, I think I fail in acting… terribly. I do not know how to act otherwise from how I feel. If I do not like you, it is shown all over my face. If I do not want to entertain you, I will not bother. If I decide to draw the distance from you, I do not know how to act friendly in front of everyone else too. I do not know how to be that hypocritical. I am still learning, and think I still fail with an F9.

And do I create problems? Am I hard to get along?

I cannot explain myself clearly in many things. Sometimes, things happen and I am just there. In many other instances, I will not bother to explain much too. If you understand me as a person, you will know it better. And what point is there for me to say more if you are already assuming?

Strong appearances, is that a fault or a strength? Do not assume that I show up like I am stronger in characters mean I am the one going around creating troubles. Do not assume that I can take all things better just because I seem like I could. Do not assume that I am the difficult one just because of the ways I talk too.

Perhaps I have contributed to a certain situation in a sense or another. However, I will not have reacted the way I did if I am not pushed over a certain limit. And if there is any fault, I think it is because my acting is still immature. Given time, I think I will never really improve too. I do not have the talent for it…

Millionaire

Did you buy hope yesterday? I did... $6.2 million of winnings... Toto...

Too bad, my hopes were dashed at 10pm last night.

But there is one winner, who bought his winning ticket at Peninsula Plaza. He is for sure happy like anything. Overnight, he is a millionaire. He can throw the letter in his boss's face today and walk out immediately...

Mood?

My mood is totally off today.

Tired? Yes, I think I am... Insufficient rest? Not exactly. I have been sleeping at my usual bedtime hours. Bad mood? Not exactly too... Yet, perhaps it is... Just feel glum. Just feel quiet. Just do not feel like entertaining people in general or put on a smiling face just for the sake of others too... So for people that are out of my defined box, yes, please leave me alone.

Sometimes, I just wish I can be wilful, like a spoilt young kid... Just scream when agitated, just whine and demand for attention when I feel like it, just sob when I feel upset and throw tantrums when I do not get what I want... So simply by resorting to all these "creative" methods, I can get what I want... Sound good, isn’t it? *Devilish laughter*

Perhaps I have forgotten how to do all of these... I ought to learn them all over again. Or maybe, to start off with, I am never exactly like this as a kid... Was not given the luxury to be... though bottom line, I am still a rotten kid at heart and in person - I resort to meaner methods... Hahaha...

Paul Muenzen

Read an article in Mind Your Body today, about this guy Paul Muenzen who found life's answers in Zen. The first Westerner to be ordained a monk in China since the Cultural Revolution, he revealed how he got associated with Zen in his life journey, and what Zen is all about..

He touches on pretty cheem stuff about “who I am” and being in the moment. All these, are abstract in nature, easy to know in theory; however deep understanding is required to get the full gist of what he is saying, and to apply it in life...

Here is the extract, though I know I cannot just quote from newspapers:


“Accordingly to the Venerable Hyon Gak, "Zen just means understanding my true nature. Zen means meditation, and meditation means finding my true self - finding my true nature."

To pierce the truth, one's mind must be unclouded by thoughts.

He said:" Being Zen about something means just being as it is. Seeing clearly, hearing clearly, smelling clearly, tasting clearly, touching clearly - that's Zen. So everything as it is, is truth. But when we add thinking, we don't see truth as it is. We see something that we like, or we don't like; we want or don't want; we accept or don't accept. That's not Zen."

In meditation, one returns to one’s breath......” Over time, you get to see that your thinking has no substance. Good thinking, bad thinking, has no substance. Then it can’t control you.”

Incorporate teachings of Zen in daily life...... when walking, just walk; when eating, just eat; when showering, just shower...We do those things but we're following our thinking the whole time. We're eating, but we're not really tasting the food. We're not fully living in the moment. Living in the moment - that's Zen.

If our heads are full of our own thoughts and problems, we cannot see other people or be fully with them.

“Zen means to return to this moment. Hear the bird, hear the rain, feel the air-conditioning sitting here. That's Zen. From that point I can function clearly, openly."

Can understand?! LOL

Such Conflicts

I wish for each hour and second to pass quickly, so a day will be over soonest.

Yet months and years seem to fly past in a blink that I looked back in amazement and puzzlement.

I wish for the sight of the pretty full moon.
Yet when the moon is out, the stars go into hiding.

I wish to feel more energized by resting more.
Yet the more I sleep, the more tired I feel.

I wish for more excitement and new experiences.
Yet the thoughts send my legs trembling and heart pumping hard.

I wish to get you out of sight, out of mind.
Yet the more I try to forget, the more you lurk in every corner of my brain.

I wish for some very simple enjoyments in life.
Yet they seem complicatedly hard to come by at times.

I wish for certain things/ events to be over soon.
Yet when a full stop is drawn, I wish it has never become history.

I wish to treasure certain things that I have now.
Yet the more I try, the more they seem to slip me by.

Oh, such ironies in life... or paradoxes they are?

Sleeping Beauty?

There I had it. I had the longest sleep in the longest time I could ever remember. The drowsy cough syrup that the doctor gave is enough to knock out an elephant like me.

I woke up at 1030am to have my breakfast, check my email, and take my medicine... The effect of the medicine soon kicked in, and I was in dreamland again at 1+pm. With that, I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day till 10pm in the night. Of course, I did wake up for food, water, toilets and t.v in between... Such indulgence huh, for all the wrong reasons...

Back in office today.. It is already Friday.. And it is a week with only 2 working days for me. The rest of the days, yes, I was on MC. Yet, I am still not in form today... The cough is better... but my blocked and running nose is driving me mad at times. And my back still hurts whenever I cough. But I have stopped taking the painkillers for my back already. I do not wish to be over reliant on that, unless totally necessary.

I will get well. Weekend is close. Dun make me stay at home.

Sex & Diving

I forgot to add in this picture the other time.

Saw this hanging outside the dive shop at Lang Tengah...



So how trueeee is this?! :-O

The Stairs

Was walking up some stairs, when this flight of 6-storeys high stairs came to my mind once again....

This flight of stairs...I used to be climbing up and down a few times a day in the past. It started out as walking down, then climbing up, and then it became more and more frequent...

Thus whenever there were too many people waiting for the lifts, or when I felt like it, or I concluded that I should move more to train up my chicky legs, I would climb them. Stairs can actually be a much faster option than lifts at times, and I chose to believe that it is a good short workout! :P

Using these stairs is a convenient and discreet way to walk into the shopping mall too. I would not need to be seen in the lift going down to the 1st floor, as I could simply exit at 3rd floor. So whenever I need a coffee break, a breather, or to get something at these few levels, yes, these stairs were certainly useful.

Am I attached to these stairs? I’d think I should still be pretty sane (?!). Just that every step there was a memory of the people that had walked the same stairs with me before, a reminder of my days there, some wonderful people that I have known there and the moments created together.

These stairs... the good times...the bad times… the people... the memories... the learning... the chances... the seat… the smell…

Am I getting nonsensical?

Late Post - Leng Tengah

It is exactly a week since I was back from Lang Tengah. I have wanted to write about my trip, but somehow it never happened. Oopps..

Well, minus off my stomach which went on strike the moment I was out from my house, the long bus journey, the bumpy, rainy and nauseous boat ride there, the ants infested bathroom, sandy bed, lousy diving logistic management from the resort, all the sand fly and mosquito bites, and my thoughts that wondered off many a time.. this short getaway trip was basically great! Just eat, sleep, dive, relax and get fat! 8-P

8 of us went on this trip, 4 to a room, 6 divers, 2 snorkellers. These friends, they were a great bunch, full of nonsensical humour and fun. They certainly injected so much fun and laughters to this trip, that I was so cool about the many hiccups that happened along the way... A further affirmation that it is not where I’m but who I’m with that makes the biggest difference to the enjoyment. And I realise that diving trips are more fun when you go with more kakis!

Redang Lang Resort is the place we stayed in. Below is a picture of the jetty taken in a beautiful evening before the sunset.

This is the Dive resort, where we would prepare all our equipment and gear up before we went to each dive.


Some underwater pictures here, with compliments from our Handsome aka Secret Weapon ! :)


Lionfish


Nurse Shark with Shrimps


Nudibranch - Chromodoris Magnifica


Hingebeak Prawns


Spiny Devilfish

Wishing for more diving trips like these! Ahh, let me dream on it, k...

This Moment

This moment
Out of the blue
Under the starry sky

Emotions go haywire
Tears start wanting to make its presence felt

This moment
Can it freeze in time?
The distance between us
The thoughts that we connect
The warmth of your hugs

This moment
It is like sand
Yet much reluctance to let it slip
Fearing that it never
Comes true ever again

This moment
Being caught in it
All becomes blurred
Thoughts obscured
Feelings mixed

This moment
I despise myself
For being so feeble
For succumbing to such puerility
For giving in to emotions

This moment
Will pass of course
Next moment is new
Change is the only constant
Yet heart and mind sometimes are never best of friends

Let them work it out…

Ahh, Irritating!

Ah, my hands can’t keep off them. They are getting me high, driving me crazy.

I hate it...when i got bites that itch. I have a tendency to keep scratching them.

I think many of my friends should know - I can withstand pain, but not itch. Arrggh...

And the bites that I got (should be sand fly bites) are now big, red, swollen with transparent discharges. The bites are all over my legs, and one on my right hand. They are a pitiful sight now, though the itch is not easing at all. The worst one is about 5cm in diameter! Took a Piriton last nite to ease the itch, but as usual, it knocked me out... too powerful a pill for putting me to sleep.

Ahhh, I think I gotta stop scratching. Otherwise, they are going to get worse, not to add that the scars will be there for a long time... But... it is SOOOOO hard to resist. =...(

Doctor, here I may come again....

Long Weekend

Yes, I am finally making the first trip overseas this year. Going diving over this long weekend...

It has been awhile since I last dived... I wonder if I still know how to dive or not. :-P

Have not felt the excitement of going. The feeling is not sinking in as of yet. The long bus journey is going to make my bum hurt, and have me dehydrated because I cannot drink as much water as I could normally.

But perhaps the sun, the sea and the breeze may do me some good.... Perhaps the fishes can give me some inspirations too… though I dare not think about the price that I need to pay thereafter for sacrificing this long weekend for fun and holiday instead of doing things.

Nevertheless...

Lang Tengah, here I come....

More...

It is like drug
The more you have it
The more you want it
The more you crave for it

Yes, more doesn’t mean better
That is undisputable
But how much is more?
How much is enough?
How much is overdose?

Especially when it has already becomes…
An addiction…

Recently...

One word: Stressed.

This word is a spirit, unwilling to leave me alone, haunting me more often nowadays.

Seems like so many things on my plate. More than I can chew.

Is it about the things that I have on hand or is it more about the space that I am in?

Antidote for me, anyone?

“This shall pass”…

*raised eyebrows*

How Did I Get Here?

I have been eyeing this book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis for quite awhile. I stumbled across this book in MPH when I was doing my usual browsing. Yet, I didn’t buy the book back then as the 2 books there were in a bad condition, and I could not seem to find it in another branch subsequently…

However, my friend managed to get it for me in Borders with a 30% off. Thank you, friend! :)

I am very sure this will be an interesting book for me…

Something in this book caught my attention first… and then I am drawn to this piece of writing in it. It seems so apt...

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.
Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.
Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive
no matter what someone does to me.
Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.
Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.
Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.
Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.
Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.

Yes...it's so...

A peek-a-boo game
Rules with fame
Yet not so tamed

At times, it is trampled
Breaking into crumbles
Only to triumph later

Other times, it storms wild
Making it such a trial
To run it mild

When it is wilful
Breaths it robs clean
Sanity it flings

Yes, it… is unfathomable
This feeling of Missing You…

Speaking aloud...

One of those days
Where reins are useless
Fences are redundant

Untamable exploration
Wild surge of exploitation

Emotions, where are you heading?

“Open up your heart”
A voice speaks out loud…

“Vulnerability, when did I last see you?
Let’s hide no more…

Let your reflection shows
Who you really are…”

Jaded...

Think I am catching up with age. If not, why am I listening so much to some 80's and 90's English songs recently? If I am not getting old, how can I associate myself with these songs? ... Or is it influence... by others?

This is an apparent sign of getting jaded huh? I am getting comfortable with these familiar songs that were once hits... It is just like how I may get easy with my usual comfort zone.

No wonder people use this "stick in a mud" - as one ages, one gets more entrenched in own mud, and become less receptive to new ideas...

*Sigh*

Honest feedback

I can get pretty pissed when people cite references or quotations from some people, books, or religious sources and use them in ways that do not quite serve them. They simply use references to justify their actions, who they are, and how things are or should be. In another word, their actions are not forward moving.

Perhaps I am ignorant. I do not know what should be and should not be, who say this and who state that. All I know is certain ways may be better; certain actions may propel you to a higher ground or get you to where you want to be faster. We all have different interpretations of words, quotes and statements, which I gladly accept. It is just that some people just blindly, conveniently or literally take them without deep probing, understanding, and looking beyond what is stated. Worse, they apply them wrongly in their lives.

I do not appreciate it too when people can reject chances for themselves to take a closer look about themselves, and see how they can be out of their usual automatics and get out their usual box to try something new and reach for a greater height in their life. They are unwilling to put in effort and hard work, and yet they expect that results will just happen. Isn't that an unreasonable expectation?

"You can never force a horse to drink if it does not want to." Yes, I come a long way to accept that. I used to get very upset if I cannot get someone to shift. But now, I do understand there is no way I can support someone who is unwilling to support oneself. It is energy expending when you try too hard to make someone see possibilities or to open up. I learnt, after many incidents, that my efforts can be better used in other areas or other people. Perhaps you can say that I have given up…

Of course, I am not trying to be offensive here, neither am I saying that my life is perfect now, or that I know a lot. In fact, there are full of ups and downs which I am learning how to handle better. I am definitely pretty ignorant about many aspects of life too, thus I try to be open to learning. No doubt, I can be pretty righteous about my thinking and actions many a time. I have a questioning mind too which many people may find it difficult to handle all my bombardment. However, questioning is for me to get clear… Well, at least, I am willing to be coached…

And please do not give me quotes from whatever sources to justify your actions and thoughts. Do not abuse them… They are innocent.

Poor Mick!

Oh yes, I brought one of my cats to the vet today too. Mick had been drooling since yesterday and he could not eat or drink. I got worried about him, and decided to drive him to see a vet at noon just now.

Vet said Mick is having some problems with his jaws as he could not close that. Possibly, he got jaws dislocation due to the collar that got stuck in his mouth yesterday. However, he is badly dehydrated, thus he needs to be hospitalized today for drip. Thus he can only be put on GA tomorrow for x-rays of his mouth and operation, if necessary.

Ahh, my poor cat… Bet it must be really painful and torturous for him. Of course, I got to burn a hole in the pocket for him at the vet again... However, $ is not important, as long as he is fine.

... Animals are usually helpless when they are sick, as they are not like us who know how to verbalise our pains and seek help when necessary. Thus it is only right that we are to be responsible for their well-beings, isn't it?

Tombsweeping Day

I barely had a few hours of sleep today. Woke up at about 440am this morning to go Qing Ming. It is the first time that we all woke up so early to go down to our grandparents’ graves.

I am surprised to realize that at such early hour, the cemetery is no longer lonely. You can see a lot of cars' headlights in the usually quiet Lim Chu Kang. Many people have made an effort to do Qing Ming so early so as to avoid the traffic jam and the scorching sun.

It has been a family tradition for all of us to go tombsweeping every year during this period. The history stretched as far back as when I was in Pri 3… However, I realized only today that I had missed it last year due to holidaying in Aussie… Memory loss.. Haha.

I like the idea of going. It is a time that we all will make effort to go together though we will end up hot, sweaty and dirty... It is also a chance for us to pay respects to our grandparents, though my brothers and I had never seen them before…

However, waking at such early hour is of no fun. It usually only happened when I am going to participate in a run. So… preferably no such stretch in the next few years of Qing Ming… 8-P

Run + Dive

Have signed up for the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge run of 5.6km with a few other colleagues. The run is on 3 May, 6pm @ Padang.

Decided to sign up before the CEO came and asked me why I did not, though I personally would rather go for a run of such distance myself than to be with so many people. Anyway, since I did, I just gotta treat it as a break from work.

Wanna make a short diving trip too... before I turn white, pink and green from all the overwhelming things that I got to do recently. Can I afford the time and $$? Perhaps not. But "100% is possible 100% of the time"? More time doesn't mean better? Hahaha... The intention may be so great that all other considerations can be handled along the way. The power of Intention... is never meant to be underestimated. <:o)

Again...

I kena sabotaged at work today again. An innocent comment turned into a hailstorm, just simply someone went to tell tales.

I hate being wronged for something that I did not do. There are also things that are not intentional too. How am I supposed to make myself clear in that?

Be it I do or not, say or zip, ask or ignore, stand or sit, left or right, I will still get the heat in the end.

Not like I purposely try to be funny from the start. Not that I didn’t try to make the situation better too. I know I should come from a responsible point of view. Coming from source, I know I have, in one way or another, contributed to the rift and all the events that happened. I acknowledged that, and I try hard to adjust, to adapt so that things will be easier for everyone. However, that doesn’t seem to give me the desired results. I would be gunned down for the smallest mistake I made.

I am tired. There is also a limit to how much I can take. Why should I be the one to keep putting effort into something that will lead me nowhere? And why should I keep swallowing down accusations? I cannot come to terms with that…

Let’s hope I can keep my head high enough till all these become history eventually.

Waiting

Do you like waiting?

Wait for something to happen.

Wait for someone to dictate or make the move.

At the 'command' of someone possibly.

Otucomes are not within your control and you dare not influence.

You have no right to demand or the capacity to ask.

All you can do is to be passive.

And accept what come may.

And pretend to be nonchalant about it.

Do you know what that feeling is like?

I have thrown my power away.

I must have been dumb to end up in this situation.

Oh, ironically, I like the song "Waiting" by BoA.

Sometimes When We Touch

“Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide... "

Suddenly I am attached to this song again, for one reason or another... It has been played repeatedly today…

And I found this mtv, among all those uploaded in Youtube. This was one of the best, with scenes from Brokeback Mountain, aptly edited for this song. However, I just wonder whether the intimate moments of the 2 guys will put some people off or not. :P

Brokeback Mountain aside, this passionate song is to be enjoyed…

Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill)
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

CHORUS:
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

CHORUS

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

CHORUS

Wanna Run Again

I feel like going for a run again.

I just did one yesterday night. The intention was so clear - I just wanted to run. I turned down the dinner with some friends at almost last minute just to make that happen. Nothing could stop me yesterday... (except for the weather, of course…)

Ya, perhaps I am getting a bit crazy. What's so great about a run anyway, right?

Perhaps I am addicted to it. Perhaps I need an avenue for release more often nowadays. Perhaps I simply just want to run away from some things, from some people, from ...

Whenever I feel bottled up, stressed, or down, I just feel like running, to keep running and running till I am covered all in sweat, till exhaustion sets in, till I can run no more. Maybe I am sadistic, taking pleasure from all the pain and tiredness. Maybe I enjoy the triumph of completing a run no matter how much I want to give up in the process. Maybe I like the feel-good endorphins. Or simply, I just feel like it…

Whichever, I wish for a run again...

I Dreamt...

My brain has a favourite pastime - to dream while I am sleeping. I think a lot of people should have known by now.

Thus, yes, I dreamt yesterday... I must have dreamt of numerous stuff…

But I only remember this one...

A dream like this is scary: the possibility of it happening is so high, it is far too realistic.

Though it was just only a dream, the thoughts that flashed through were so vivid and feelings so strong... that I cannot quite erase it off even till now. My heart is definitely weak.

Perhaps it is a privilege that I get to see a preview through my dream. I know how I may react and feel if it really happens. It gives me a chance to rectify in real life, if there is a need to (?!)...

Of course, I may be thinking too much... mindless thoughts translated into dreams...or my subconscious is too imaginative for my own good...

However, I certainly do not want to face what was in my dream. I do not know how to handle it...

I Just Dunno How to...

At times, there are so many things I wish to say... and ask...

Feelings that I feel, thoughts that I think, questions that I question...

Yet, sometimes I dunno how to...

... dunno when to say, dunno how to express, dunno what for

... dunno should or not, dunno can or not, dunno right or not

... and thus the words are swallowed back in...

Perhaps I am lacking in my vocabulary…

Perhaps I got communication problem...

Perhaps there are things that I do not want to know…

Perhaps I am too concerned about how you may feel or react...

Perhaps it is Just Me...

Pardon me...

Memories

Memories, a blessing or a curse?

Moments together, dreams shared
Coupled with laughter and tears
All are entrenched

Tides changed, years passed
Yet all seems fresh in mind
As though it was yesterday

Nostalgic feelings, a silent killer
When overindulged, inhibits moving forward
Wishing nothing has ever changed

If today, everything can start on a fresh new page
With no recollection of the past
Will you want to?

On Patience Again..

I know I have posted a few entries on patience before already.

Yet, I still need to stress very much that patience is not my virtue at all though I have certainly improved over the years.

I can attempt to be slightly more patient when I am relaxed or feeling good. The patience band will be more stretchable then. I will entertain more, I will rattle more, I will try ways to see if you get what I say and I can take in more “nonsense”.

However, when I am pressed, or I am so focused on getting something handled, my patience is thin - I do not like to explain the whys, whats, and hows. If I need something, give me what I want, and all will be fine.

From young, my style has always been: I explain once, I explain twice, come the 3rd time, either you will get it from me or I will forget about it. Ya, I know it is not right for me to assume that people are on the same train of thoughts as I am; neither can I assume that the ability of comprehension is equally strong for everyone. I also know that my ways of beings may simply scare or piss people off.

Knowing is one thing though, really to have more tolerance is another. I can only try to shift... when I feel like it. Otherwise, just do NOT test it.

Thank you, R...

I think this is long overdue.

I want to thank R for his little gift last Fri…

Thanks for always having me in your thoughts. Thanks for your showers of gifts every now and then too.

It is not about the cost of the gift itself, but how much thought is being put into it.

With your limited $$ resources, you will still remember to get things for me when you are away or on something or for different occasions every now and then. That I appreciate.

Just like you may not have given me expensive gifts on my birthdays, but for the past 2-3 years, you would make your way down and wait for me below my office building to let me have the eggs and mee suan that you have cooked yourself. Simple enough, but I appreciate the acts of love and thoughts.

It is not so much about what you say too, it is about the sincerity that I feel.

It has never been a perfect or smooth journey with you… We give it to each other, we argue, we fight many a times (in fact, too many times lor! Haha)… But I suppose we get to understand each other better, and support each other in the process. We are not supposed to buy into each other's bullshit, rem?

And I know that you will never walk out of me. I do not know where I got this feeling from, but I just know.

"Thank you, friend."

A big four for u! :)

This Week...

My schedule for this week:

Lunches: All fully booked

Evenings: Almost all filled with appts/ things to do

Is that called packed? Or busy?

But ... busy is not equal to getting things done...

N energy is on a continuous depletion mode...

A Church Wedding

Attended a colleague’s wedding at a Methodist church today.

Perhaps it has been a long while since I last attended a church wedding, or perhaps my mind is wandering most of the time when I need to be rooted at a place for quite awhile... The point is, miraculously, I do enjoy the church wedding today for many a reason, though the cold air inside was brain freezing and I did get a little distracted every now and then.

A wedding is not the marriage...

It is not happily ever after... it is a plot of land, with some basic tools to work on...

The 3 foundations of a marriage: partnership, priority, & loyalty...

Ehhh... I had been listening wor...

Hahaha... 8-P

Women...

I seriously think I got issue handling the female species, especially those who are hypersensitive and 'petty' kind...It has never been my forte to know how to deal with them. I can never quite understand what's up with them.

Perhaps there are many things that I do not really bother about, and I cannot understand what the big deal many trivial matters is. If it doesn’t exactly bother me, I would not think that it will bother the other party. I will not give it extra thoughts to it too. However, I am not saying that I am not sensitive to someone’s feelings. I am. However, I always have a difficult time apprehending certain reactions and actions some girls have (not saying that I understand the guys’ one la! They are equally weird!). And why on earth should I try so hard to appease, please or satisfy them and their expectations?

To me, it is simple - if it is a small matter, and once it is over, just put it aside and move on. There is no need to keep harping on it - it will not change anything. There is no point to raise it up again and pinpoint who is at fault as it has already happened. The ideal is to make the best or make better the situation. There is no purpose either to be upset or bear grudges against the issue per se… if it is trivial.

And because the female species is so hypersensitive in certain issues, I get crazy trying to handle them. I need to take extra care in everything that I do or say, because I never quite know what get to them. I think it is no big deal, they think it is a great issue; I think the solution is simple, they choose to complicate the whole matter...

Perhaps I grow up with more male species in my life, perhaps it is due to my 'bad' experience with girls during my growing up years before, or perhaps it is just in my blood that I do not have what it take, thus I can never be quite a girls’ girl buddy kind.

Of course, my closer and long-lasting pals are girls indeed, yet, generally, I always get myself into trouble with girls. They make me want to pull out my hair; they make me puzzled; they are the ones who usually make life difficult for me.

Is it my face? Is it my attitude? Or my behaviour? Or my ways of being? Or what?

Can give me a break or not? Can give me the space to breathe or not?

Women… they are always my stretch.

Truth?

Isn't it true that sometimes it is better for us not to know the truth?

In that sense, at least we can deceive ourselves … that things are still fine,

… find excuses of all sorts to justify what has happened,

… and cling on to some hopes that things are not exactly what they seem to be …

Ignorance can be bliss… knowing too much is a burden…

Once you know, you can no longer feign ignorance…

Truth may just hurt too…

...

When words delude
And fail to connote
Can silence trail
Every thought in the lode?

When pining swells
To take off every breath
And melt every bit
Can your presence be felt?

When affection explodes
Running wild to explore
And trample any sense
What is left to sane?

... ...

A Knock at the Door

A friend sent this link to me. And he is right... I do like this...

Rekindle the magic in the heart... just like the ever familiar fairy tales that we so often read and heard about when young.

The dreams, the hopes, and the faith... Open up the heart to feel, experience and receive...

For a much clearer version, click here.

Today, tomorrow, next week, next mth...

Finally, the long CNY public holiday is coming to an end.

Tomorrow is the start of another working day. The thought of it makes me blue. It is not so much about work itself, but it is about being back at a place where I need to face certain people who simply make life difficult for me.

On top of that, there is no public holiday in the month of Mar to look forward to…

And I start to miss my holidays. How I wish I can be somewhere out there for a break, so as to get away from all that is here, and to relax, be at peace, experience life, and simply be with the nature and the place itself.

However, due to many factors, holidays may not happen in the short run…

Nevertheless, I figure a little positivity goes a long way…I will remind myself of that…

"Happy Birthday!"

Oh ya, tomorrow is the birthday of someone very special in my life.

Found out his birthday by chance actually. Haha.

He is a very fantastic man, full of love, sensitivity and passion. Perhaps expressing is not his forte, yet, one can experience all of him in his ways of being and actions. A responsible and committed man, he always puts his folks as priority. In his own ways, he shines among the crowd, and is so endearing. I am just glad that our paths have crossed...

To him, tomorrow is just another day - nothing special, nothing to shout about, nothing to celebrate…

Whichever, I just want to wish him “Happy Birthday!”… I hope he will have a superb time tomorrow, no matter whoever he is with, whatever he is doing.

These 2 days...

Have been sleeping at wee hour these 2 days. Do not need to get up early the next day, thus the luxury to stay awake late… Time seems to be on an accelerated mode in the night, dunno why.

I have been watching my Korean drama series vcds these few days. As usual, the plot is so sad…

Oh, did I say that I have been dreaming of the same person for the past 3 days? :-O Brain is malfunctioning perhaps. Whichever, since I cannot control it, I should let it be.

And did I also say that I thought today is Sunday? I was very puzzled when my hp alarm went off at 6.50am this morning. I thought my hp has gone haywired! It took me quite awhile to realize that today is Mon. My mind simply cannot register why today is Mon! *Shrug* Perhaps it is CNY, and the mind is also on holidays, hence all the confusion. Haha.

Anyway, I still should cherish these few days of CNY and the break. Once over, it can never be retrieved…

First Day of Chinese New Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

First day of the piggy year!

As usual, it is a peaceful Chu Yi for me ... I am usually at home on this day. Visiting, if any, will only happen on the 2nd day.

We made a very rushed trip to Esplanade yesterday night to catch the fireworks at midnight. We were just about on time. A full 10 minutes of fireworks display…It was a spectacular sight, of course. They are always so breathtaking… I simply love them… Just that they are always so short-lived and the crowd is always so scary…

And today, I chose to bath my cats, so that they can be clean, soft and smelling nice on CNY.. :-P As usual, they turn into such evil monsters whenever I attempt to bath them! It is always an effort to make them clean. They gave me a few scratches as CNY present. And my mind went to an off mode suddenly too that I poured the hot water directly on my left hand. Hopeless, ain’t I?

And my lower back still hurts… :(

Btw, I have been gobbling down all the CNY goodies that I can lay my hands on. Such fattening indulgence! I am too much a greedy pig…so simply cannot resist them! If someday you cannot grab me by my waist, please pardon me… Wahaha!

Expectations

When there is no expectation, every little good thing that happens is a bonus, a pleasant surprise that may bring on a delighted smile.

Yet when expectations set in, it becomes a different ball game. Disappointment sets in more often than not when things do not go the way it “should” be. The so-called bonus may now be a shortfall instead...

Of course, it can only disappoint or hurt when it matters.

But we are not saints… how not to have expectations?

Hurtful Love

Recently, I have been acting like Aunt Agony or something, listening to a few whom shared with me their most recent relationships. One shares how she is badly hurt in the relationship, how hard it is for her to let go, how certain words and acts have hurt her, and the foolish things that she has done; the other tells me how he handled and ended the relationship simply because the so-called love feeling is no longer there and that he does not wish to drag it much longer. He just suddenly ignited the shock bomb on a day, and left the girl bewildered and hurt...which I screwed him for being so selfish.

All in the name of Love, people are caught in acts of folly and irrationality, causing unnecessary hurts, pains and scars that can be permanent…

No right or wrong...there is never a clear definite line… though there can always be better ways to handle it, I suppose.

Such a powerful and unexplainable double-edged sword...

Why?

I wonder how come I am feeling so much on some days recently.

When certain suppressed or repressed feelings can no longer be kept down or compartmentalized, they will come together with some other emotions and thoughts.

And the surge is so strong that I can be drowned.

At times, I question whether I am really strong, or I am just putting up a strong front.

Such honesty… haha…

Am I Ok?

Am I ok?

If you ever do ask me this question, what kind of answer do you expect from me?

If I said I am, would you believe me? Would you simply buy that? Then, what's next?

If I said I am not, what can you do?

Can you be in my position to handle my issues? Or you will ask how I am every now and then? Or…?

If I am alive and kicking, am I ok?

If I am down and under, but I will still move on, is that considered ok?

If I am feeling upset, moody, frustrated or tired, am I not ok?

If my thoughts are running negatively wild, is that not ok too?

If all I want is you to be around when I need it, is that too much to ask?

Yet, if you ever do ask, I thank you for your concern and love.

Do not be too concerned. All I can say is…

“I will ultimately handle what I need to handle, be it I like it or not, easy or hard.”

Sat 10022007

Met up with Zac Zac for lunch today at Vivo. It was great seeing him again. It has been awhile since he is back from Sydney. In this short trip home, he got his schedule packed - busy man is trying to catch up with as many friends possible. Of course, he is a sweet man - he brought Arnott's shortbread cream biscuits back! :P

If you ever get to know Zac Zac, he is such a fantastic guy - easy-going, friendly, humorous, witty, fun… The list just goes on... So he is popular man definitely, which is apparent in his tight schedule whenever he is back . And I suddenly realise that I have known him for more than 10 years already! :-O Fate is a funny thing indeed. We were in the same school for only 3 months back then, not to mention he went to Sydney to study after he completed his studies here. As such, we never had a lot of interactions then. On top of that, he is always in a faraway land now. Yet, somehow, I feel closer to him than some people whom I always see…. Unexplainable stuff…*shrug*

Managed to have some quiet moments by myself too. Landed myself in a relatively quiet Coffee Bean in the early evening and had a cup of iced tea while flipping through some magazines. It is a rarity that I can grab moments like this.

Went for a 10km jog just now as well. It was a long overdue and much needed run. So much thoughts flashed through during this run... Clearer mind after the run? There is no answer for this question. But... I definitely do not feel as pent up.

Upset

I am very upset certainly. Things are getting out of hand, and coupled with few other issues, I have reached my limit.

Fighting very hard to hold back the tears here. Ought to be smacked for being so weak. Ought to be slapped for not being able to stand tall... To crumple is the last thing I should allow myself...

However, "this shall pass"... This I know... I should chant this till it sinks in all the way and become a reality.

The Power

Decided to "own" this post, if you know what I mean. So did some amendments to the nouns.

Amended 8 Feb ___________________________________________

Isn't it amazing how much hold some people may have over you ?

I am.

Some people, whatever they say, whatever they do, you I can simply ignore, shut down, or bite them back. Nothing may get to you me because who cares about people not important to you me?

Yet for some others, one sentence, one gesture, one look from them... carries so much weight. It may be enough to make your my day, to spur you me on, or it can hurt like crazy and throw you me into total gloom.

This is where my vulnerability has already set in. Do not abuse it. It is too delicate to be mistreated…

The power of indivduals you + (overly) sensitivity of a mind = unexpected effects ...?

我和你...

虽然将来会成风
有从前还是好的

让今天和昨天
填满心中的那份感激

试着让昨日的感慨
随着微风荡漾而逝

也让今晚的月光
叙述一切吧

To Know or Not to Know?

Truth is the answer?
Seek nothing but that?
No more wild guesses chases
No more mind wandering wonders
Yet the truth may be a bullet
Piercing through the frail heart
Consequences are a guess too

Or to be in the dark is better?
Ignorance is bliss
Bliss is innocent
If deception can be for a lifetime
That can be taken as the truth?
Is that naively plain?
Or plainly naive?

To know or not to know?
To find out or to leave it?
If switching off is like a switch
Choice would be much simpler?

Coward...

"I am a coward."

I said this to someone very recently. And this phrase popped into my mind again.

And I think I am.

For things/events that I have very bad experiences with before, I am fearful. This fear can engulf me so much so that I am scared to attempt them again. All I want is to get as far away from them as possible.

When I am in the process of going through it, I will survive – grit my teeth and fight/ last to the end. Quitting is not in my dictionary there and then. But thereafter, due to the fact that I tried so hard, and the journey is so tough and dark, I would never want to try it ever again. From then on, I am on a constant run track to escape from it...

That is really bad, isn't it? I should not use past experiences as a guide to what and how it can be. Every experience should start on a fresh new page. Yet, it is so tough to do that when certain beliefs have already set in...

Call forth the courage... n yet it may go into hiding...

So… a coward I am.

Today

The atrocious me decided to play punk today - I ran away from work. I am such an irresponsible and difficult-to-handle worker, isn't it?

Eyes can hardly open lah. Feeling very tired. Wonder what are the causes of it... Is it because I have been sleeping late every night? I have been out too often? The everyday mental battle is too much? Or all these are just excuses for NOT going to work?

Yet, when I do not need to work, I seem to have lotsa energy for any other thing. What an irony! Haha…

Have been getting a lot of pimples recently too. They are indeed such a pain. They are not a common sight on my face, by the way. Thus a few of them are considered really a lot already.

Nevertheless, today is meant to be enjoyed, be it alone or with someone else. So let it be that. :)

Windy Night

It was such a windy night yesterday... It reminded me of Byron Bay... the day when I was waiting eagerly for the awesome sunrise with my mates. Too bad the stars were missing; otherwise, it would be such an endearing night.

The fantastic weather made the run so much more enjoyable - cooler, easier and more comfy. It is one of those rare occasions where my mind did not wander too far off to focus on issues in my life during a run. I was simply running, and that was about it...

So... the weather does have a part to play on the way I do a jog.... just like it will have a part in my moods??

Strain?

Once there is a strain on a relationship, it can never be the same ever again?

Just like a cracked mirror... no matter how hard I try to mend or make good, the cracks will always be there. Perhaps the cracks may not be so obvious; however, it will never be as 'flawless' as it once was.

Of course, I can try to make the relationship better. Yet, it takes both hands to clap. One-sided effort will never quite work out, isn't it? Not to mention that there are so many other factors that determine the make or break of it.

But at the end of it all, whether it is worth all the effort or not, I think it is a personal choice. It really depends on who the person is and his or her importance to me. For some, they can simply be discarded in the garbage bin once and for all. Yet for some selected few, no matter what they have done or what happens, the love for them is always unaffected.

I'm not out to please everyone in the whole wide world and can never achieve that as well. If you happen to fall into a category that I don’t give a darn or can't be bothered more, do not try to be funny. Have you ever seen how a cat reacts when it feels threatened? I will be like tat if you ever invade into my space and step on my toes… Haha…

Auntie

Think I am really becoming an auntie…

I am getting more and more pro in buying things like groceries, CNY goodies and decorations. For the past few years, CNY is a time for me to get busy with getting all these stuff, not my mom…

Since many years ago, I have also been very involved in getting items like pillows, wardrobes, beds, electric appliances, paints…The list goes on… I think you get the idea.

I am not getting good and having more time to go shopping for stuff like clothes or accessories to make myself look pretty pretty lor. Caught me during a weekend, and you will know how nua I can be.

Not to say if I walk around a little bit more, and I will be worn out with legs and back aching, eyes closing...

All these are signs of aging huh?

Certainly getting less desirable … (Never attractive to start off with already…!!)

Sweet young things… are what men always look for …

Not an ugly old auntie in the making…

*Shake head in exasperation*

原来

我以为没关系
我以为无所谓
也以为放得下
原来不然

原来如此的脆弱
原来如此的渺小
原来那么的不堪一击

太高估自己了

Past Mistake

It is a nightmare to have past events/experiences to come back to haunt.

Thought that time has passed, many things are forgotten, dust has settled, feelings are handled... and life has moved on…

Only to be reminded of it by some events or some people.

This feeling is so...suffocating, frightening and overwhelming.

One can never make a mistake in life, especially a grave one, isn't it? Otherwise, once committed, there may be no turning back anymore… there is no 2nd chance given… and it may leave an inerasable stain in one's life forever.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Was talking to my wandering friend over msn yesterday. We were just chatting...and then we started to talk about the light at the end of the tunnel.

The conversation of the tunnel is somewhat like this:

Me: There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Him: The light at the end...
Me: Just that sometimes the tunnel seems very long, and the light is nowhere to be seen.
Me: So it can get very discouraging.
Him: As a civil engineer...
Him: You can dig a hole to the top...
Me: With nothing on hand, how to? But when I am desperate, I think I will try! Haha…

The main gist that I am trying to say is...my dear friend offers a good alternative - when I got tired of walking towards the end of the tunnel, I should just dig a hole to the top to get out of it... Dun need to keep walking along the tunnel... So there is more than one way to see light after darkness!

But what if... the tunnel is right under a mountain like Mt Everest? How long will the digging take?! Can it be dug in the first place? :-O

At times...

Yearning for more hugs, attention and TLC at times like this…

Such an immature big kid, aren’t I?

Or I am simply too … weak & hopeless…?

What am I pretending not to know?

:-O

Whichever?

Sense and sensibility
Rationality and feelings
Which one to listen to?

Actions and decisions
Results and consequences
How prepared am I?

Thoughtfulness and selfishness
Others or myself
Can it be best of both worlds?

To hurt or to be hurt
To love or to be loved
Need I choose?

Responsibility and commitment
Passion and affection
Complementary or opposing?

Vulnerability and emotions
Expressions and thoughts
To display or to conceal?

Black and white
With shades of grey
Can it ever be so clear?


[Others it has to be
Selfish it should not be
Be clear is not a choice
Be strong is a must...]

Shoes...?

You took a look at it. You think it is nice. You gave it a try. You think it was fabulous. You think it suited you. You decided it was worth a shot. Thus you paid. You brought the pair of shoes home. You are satisfied with your choice.

You saw others wearing the same pair of shoes one fine day. They seems pretty and comfy. You affirmed that you did make a great buy.

Then came the special day - you wore the new pair of shoes out.

Slowly, but surely, all the problems started to surface. You realised that they bite. They caused you to have blisters. They hurt your feet. They wore out your toes. They kept slipping out. You were almost limping in them. Suddenly, your choice did not seem that fantastic anymore...

Others commented that they looked very nice. However, they did not know how much pain they have inflicted on your poor feet. And because you wanted to look pretty, you insisted on wearing them the whole day.

Yet, after struggling for one long day, what will you do? Are you going to give that pair of shoes another chance? Will you ever wear them again?

Or you think that they are too new, so it is only usual that they are uncomfortable? As such, you went to buy the heel cushions and shields to make better the situation.

What if you decide to give the shoes a 2nd chance and wore them again with all the "preventions" in place, only to realise that they still gave you the same problems? Then what is next? A 3rd or 4th chance?

Do you think they will eventually be seasoned and grow on your feet after a few more wears? Or will you get used to the pain, thus continue to wear the shoes anyway? Or because you have paid for them, you just would not let them go to waste? Or you know that as pretty as they may look, they are not for you, and ought to be discarded to save you all the agony?

What would you choose to do?

Such irritating pair of shoes…

Another Attempt?

How about a goal for me to attempt the full marathon this year end again?

Too little a time, too many a commitment, too hasty a decision, too much a stretch, too ill-disciplined a mind…?

Many considerations…

So what think you?

Awareness

"Awareness is the practice of staying awake moment to moment: to be fully present, and available to every moment to choose deliberately. Your awareness in the moment can transform each challenging life moment and situation into a new beginning for you. Practice awareness leads to authentic inner change, and this is synonymous with being in charge of your happiness, freedom and destiny. Increase awareness, and you will attract to yourself higher events and opportunities."

Complacency, laziness and automatic are the greatest enemies to awareness? It has to be a constant effort to be aware and to choose...

Patience + Tolerance

Can someone teach me patience and tolerance? Think I need that very badly now... Otherwise, the frustrations will drive me mad pretty soon.. :(

The issue lies with me, isn't it? For things that I can close one eye and tolerate, I should. Matters should not be taken so seriously - if it can be passed, it should. If not, I am making life more difficult for myself than it should be.

I need to shift... I need to adjust my expectations and attitudes... so that all can be made simpler... It is a lesson that I badly need to learn huh?

Or… what?

Can someone show me an easier way?

My wish always is to have someone in my life who can show me the ways. Lead and I will be led.

I am plain lazy, u may want to call it. At times, I just want easier ways to walk through events in my life, and learn without paying such a high price...

Risk...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, has nothing and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, grow, feel, change, love, live. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.

So have you taken a risk today?

Have you risked laughing or weeping?

When was the last time you expressed your feelings or reached out for another?

When did you last let someone into your heart, understand the inner you and know the true you? Perhaps you would say why there is a need to. My question is why not? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone(s) whom you can relate to, where you can just be yourself without fear of being judged, knowing that no matter what happen, he/she will always root for you…? Idealistic? Or it can be a reality? Are you willing to risk trusting someone else again?

Have you given a try in things that you have been always thinking of? If not, why not? Is there ever a right time? Is there ever a perfect day? Is there ever a moment that everything will just fall in place? Or you got to be the one to make it happen? To risk failure...but do it anyway…

Insecurity

Insecurity… This word is driving me nuts recently.

Because I’m insecure, every little action that someone else takes, I question, I wonder, and I imagine the worst of the situation or that person. Everything that happens may be and can be a threat to me even if it is not and will never be. I keep looking for assurance and affirmation in words, actions or results externally, so as to satisfy that niggling voice of inadequacy inside me…

There are a million things that we can be insecure about - self worth, financial status, power and position, looks, abilities and capabilities, our importance in another person’s heart…the list just goes on and on.

I suppose insecurities are compounded and stemmed out of past experiences, which translates into beliefs and thus the lack of confidence and deficiency in assurance. As such, when things happen, we get touchy, we become unhappy, we think otherwise of a situation. On top of that, we continually seek out external sources to affirm our own worth and contributions. We forget about intimacy (which translates= into-me-see), we forget insecurity are from within, not external driven…and that at the end of it all, we got to handle these conversations internally and from the roots.

Truthfully, I have my own fair share of insecurity too... (A long list, perhaps?! Haha!) Don’t you too? Thus I also need some words of assurance, some given confidence and some borrowed faith many a time...

Yet, I must say that too much insecurity can drive all others nuts. I personally find it a very big stretch to keep managing someone’s else insecurities every time if it happens very often or worse, day in and day out. I have to be careful with my words; I need to be mindful of every action that I take; I got to be very sensitive to every big or small movement the other person takes… That… is really a bit too much for me to swallow. Too suffocating, restrictive, and frustrating!

I wonder was I ever such a nightmare to someone’s else in my life. If I ever was, I ought to stab myself for it.

And I certainly hope I will never be…such a monster…

If I am, please just kill me…

Craving for Prawn Mee

Prawn Mee...Yum Yum....

Yet to satisfy this sudden craving of mine....Din have any prawn mee this year yet... There are a few places that I like their prawn mee particularly...

I used to be able to have Kallang prawn mee for lunches in the past. Cos my lunch time was more flexible, and it was nearer to get there from my ex company… Not to mention that I got kakis.... I went with my ex colleagues twice last year too. I made them go with me, and they were always nice enough to oblige, of course. ;P ... Hot weather, hot and crowded place, sweat like anything, but the prawn mee is really sedap there!!

Hmm, I must satisfy this craving of mine one of these days… Should wait for my guardian angel to make his appearance to bring me there…

Yum yum... *drooling*

Me: Let me find that guardian angel first ah…

U: Huh? Prawn mee needs what guardian angel? Just go!

Me: Guardian angels always make my wishes come true mah... They are supposed to be around always...

U: But this is JUST prawn mee leh! Crazy woman!

Me: ... ... ... ... :( :(

I am getting more and more crappy. Haha…

A Run...Your Style

Did you ever do a run? Have you ever attempted a race?

Did you complete it? Or you drop out halfway? Or you never even start it at all?

If you did run, what is your style? Are you the "slow and steady, win the race" runner? Or you are the sprinter type who gives it all till you cross the finishing line?

Or you are someone who started too fast, only to lose steam halfway through it?

Or you are one that has difficulty starting, but get more and more gear up as you run?

When the going gets tough, when your physical body tells you that it cannot go on, what did you do? Is it a mind-over-body matter? Or you let your tiredness consumes the whole of you? What conversations go through your mind? Do you give in to the angel or the devil in your brain when it is crunch time?

If this is the last lap of the run, do you slack and slow down, or do you give it an additonal burst of energy to cross the finishing line in glory?

So what is your style?

Do you ever run?

Do you have a starting line for yourself, with the end point in your mind and within your sight?

Lunch Today

I had lunch with a friend today. She is a mentor to me, and yes, she used to be a life coach , supporting many individuals to excel in their own individual areas. And I am proud to say that I am one of those that she have coached - she was there to highlight my limiting beliefs; she was there to challenge my conversations; she was there to support me when I have my breakdowns; she was there to empower so that I can spread my wings and soar.

She is certainly someone that I respect and look up to. In her 40s, she is experienced, steadfast and powerful. Someone once said to me that we two are very similar in characters and thinking- she is like a more mature version of me. Perhaps…there is some truth to that? Well…

Anyway, it was nice catching up with her over lunch. It was 2 Sat ago, in a X’mas dinner gathering at one of the homes, that we agreed for lunch these 1-2 weeks.

I thought the lunch today would be more about me again… However, it turned out not. Instead, she shared with me what’s up in her life, the reflections that she had done over the past four days, the breakdowns she had last year, the goals that she had set for herself this year, and some issues that came up for her in area of relationship, family and personal development etc. In the end, I was the one throwing some questions for her to think about, offering my 2 cents worth of thoughts, and highlighting some points of views that she might have overlooked.

Well, come to think of it, I wonder if I was making sense this afternoon. Talking to someone who has seen more in life than I did, is so powerful in her own ways, and an experienced life coach, I question how much I can contribute.

Yet, no matter how powerful we each may be, we usually have our own blind spots, and it may take another to point that out?

Nevertheless, I am glad that she is willing to be so open and vulnerable with me. It is a sign of trust and bond. For that, I am indeed very delighted.

Even though I may not be able to offer much, I am most glad to be at least there to listen, so that she may get clarity in the process.

I will be more than happy to know that I can be in contribution… if I could in any way…

A Brand New Year, 2007

What did you do to welcome 2007?

I did a simple countdown yesterday. Went out in 4s, one of whom is my brother…It was his birthday yesterday. Thus I got him at 11pm to go to Holland Village. We all had decided to give the town and other countdown places a miss, as the crowd could be suffocating…

We ended up at Breko at 11+pm. Surprisingly, we still managed to get a cosy place tucked in a corner… We were simply spoilt for choices when it came to choosing food...



Ordered a piece of tiramisu for my brother. It was already 11:40pm when the cake was served.

This is the cake…Just a small piece…Of cos, we sung the birthday song loud and clear!



However, with 3 guys around, it is hard not to order alot of food... Burger, potato wedges, buffalo wings, coffee, tea, ice-blended... Such late night indulgence... Certainly the best way to get fat is eating so much in the middle of a late night! *shake head*



When midnight approached, everyone was in the highs - many from the pubs and cafes were out on the streets to welcome 2007, going wild with the given party poppers, sparklers etc. Laughter, joy and cheers filled the air…and that was contagious…

And the damage done to our bulging stomach? See the remains of our food….



A quiet way of welcoming a new year… Yet, we were all pretty entertained by one another’s hilarious acts and crappy talks. Need not be with the crowds, need not do something special, need not be at somewhere happening… Most enjoyable things are most often, the simple things in life…

Today - the first day of 2007. What are you doing, and have you done today?

Yes, it is just the start of a new year, however, thieves of time are lurking... Thus do what your heart desires… Wait no longer...

:)

Minutes keep ticking by
Less than 2 days
Before it is a goodbye to 2006

Long weekend is here to stay
Celebration mood is in the air
2007 is close on the heels

Thanks for being around this year
Cos of your generous love, care and concern
Thus I am where I am today

Words I may not be good at
Expressions may be subtle too
Appreciation is heart felt though

May things be bright and rosy
For each of us
In the new year…
:)

A Slave to Technology

I certainly realised that I am a slave to the digital world. Due to the Taiwan earthquake that damaged the vulnerable undersea cable, I was unable to access to the internet for the past 2 days. I did my previous blog entry 3 days ago, only to realise that I could not log on to blog it! It was only today that I finally could log in to post it up.. Gosh..

With no net to surf, no email to check, or msn to chit chat, I seem so handicapped and bored... Such dependency on technology.... It is such a pity that the office email is still working, otherwise, at least, I did not need to work (so hard...) for the past 2 days. :P

Guess it is really hard to go back to using primitive methods all over again when I am so used to all these. Not to say I cannot, but is there a need to when obviously there is a more efficient and effective way of accessing to information, getting work done and getting entertainment?

Hmm, if there comes a day where there is no internet, no mobile communications, or worse still, no radio, no music, no TV, I wonder I will bore myself to death or not.

Hopeless, I indeed am... :P

Possessive...

The definition of Possessive according to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary: the desire to own or dominate.

It is human being’s nature to desire owning the things we like, be it an item or a person, isn’t it? If not, then perhaps that item is not important to us at all?

However, this possessiveness is very delicate, especially in a relationship of any sort. How much is enough? How much breathing space is good? How much freedom is desirable? Asking too much, caring too excessively, wanting too much time together and it becomes suffocating and growth impeding. The other party then starts to resist all these so-called love and concern. Yet, if you do not show enough TLC, you end up with feedbacks that you do not care or you get questioned of their importance and place in your heart.

Some people need more space than others; some love to stick together… This is a scale, always waiting to be balanced; otherwise, the whole equation will be upset. It takes 2 persons’ expectations to be aligned, and deep understanding, sensitivity and trust to make this scale well-balanced.

I personally did commit this crime of being possessive before, not so much in actions but in thoughts, many a time. I remembered I was so close to this Uni girlfriend of mine that I wish that I am the closest friend in her life too, and I got a taste of sour grapes when I saw her close to her JC friends… How immature. Haha.

As I get on with life, I learn and shift my thinking. Just like I greatly value my own freedom, I respect others for their private space to do what they want. They are not my possessions, and should not be treated as one. Of course, I ought to be honest to acknowledge that I may have my own insecurity every now and then, questioning many things such as my importance and contributions. However, I will try to handle these conversations of mine internally with my best efforts. To impose, demand or restrict is too much and not right, not to say to practice double standards.

I am also fully aware that if the person that I love or care for is happy, I should be happy no matter I am a part of his or her life or not. But saint I am not, hence I must admit this principle is hard to follow at times. Of course, I rather to be the one hurt than to see the ones I love upset, as it is always easier to handle my own emotions than another person.

Many things in life are like sand: the harder I try to grab tight to it, the more it will slip through my fingers… Thus, I figure the best is to treasure what is right in front of me today, even though things may change tomorrow.

Outcome is perhaps important to me. Yet, no matter what the outcome may be, I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the process and the moment called The Present.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is real?

Guess what, I got an 80GB Ipod, together with some facial products as X’mas present yesterday from someone that I am not even exactly close to.

It was a shock to receive these… even though I am very upset to lose my Ipod… Just do not feel very right and nice to receive such expensive gifts (even though the $ spent is minimal to him)…yet, to refuse seems very rude too…

Can only thank him graciously for all the gifts and the sweet thoughts…

And hopefully, I will be less careless with my things next time…

Santa does not entertain bad girls so often…

Review Time...

2005 is a year of actions for me – I was doing a lot of things at the same time, thus cramping up my schedule. Life seemed to be in a mad rush for me, with a lot to accomplish each day. Well, it was a great year for me - actions, actions and then results… On hindsight, I realized that I achieved a lot in 2005... However, of course, after a year of such hectic schedule, one of my goals for 2006 is to have a more relaxed year...

Suddenly, with a blink, 2006 is coming to an end. Is it about me or that time simply flies?

Since coming to the end of a year, it is a time for reflection and review…

Well, yes, this year is indeed a more relaxed year for me in term of activities. I took quite a number of holidays, both long and short ones, and did 2 half marathons. And I am more inward focused this year, with the attention on myself and people who are closer to me.

In general, this is a thinking year for me. I cannot say it hasn’t been smooth sailing, but I guess I have had a greater share of breakdowns this year as compared to last year, and many events that took place set me thinking about things. I have also made a few major decisions this year...

Nevertheless, I did achieve almost everything that I set in my 2006 DOE. Of course, I think there is some shortfall in certain PPGs, which certainly can be better...

So... now let me mull over what kind of personal and professional goals I should set for myself in the coming year of 2007.

Madness Week

It is madness in office this week!! So busy with work that I can hardly breathe. Why so busy? Cos we are rushing out for a campaign…and it is holidays season... and the whole wide world seems to be on leave...

Of course, not forgetting that everything has to follow this process:

1. Identify the issue
2. Propose alternatives or solutions
3. MUST ASK FOR APPROVAL
4. Cannot do anything or make any decision without clearance.
5. Follow instructions solely and DO
6. Repeat step 1 all over again

So... every matter, big or small, important or trivial has to be cleared by Her. None of us can make decisions ourselves, even though the solution or action is so straight in the face. Thus I supposed that is one reason why I am so busy... additional steps in every thing we do... so inefficient, so redundant. I think my brain is retarding - it has refused to think nowadays as there is no need to....

X'mas is so close on the heels now. I always love X'mas, and like the whole meaning behind it, thus X'mas is one of my favourite festive holidays. Yet, the merry x’mas mood seems to miss me this year... Think I am too overwhelmed by every other thing that I do not have time or energy to enjoy the mood in the air.

Or otherwise, it is just a plain sign that I am getting old... Old means emotions are pretty flat and everything else does not seem to be important anymore. In another words, I am oblivious and becoming a walking zombie... Haha…

Careless...

I lost my Ipod few days back... :( x ∞

There goes my nice black Ipod, together with my 1800+ of mp3, photos and the rest. :…(

Did I ever say that I am a very blur and careless person in nature when it comes to things? I normally cannot quite recall where I last put my things, nor can I remember when I have done a certain action.

The best part is when I think that I am very careful, I am not; when I think that I am putting in extra conscious effort to be cautious, I am still as clumsy and blur! Arrgh…

And did I ever say that this trait of mine frustrates the hell out of me at times? … I always misplace my things, be it inexpensive or dear, or forget where I last see them etc. I hate it especially when I lost an item that holds significance for me, especially when it is a gift from someone dear in my life.

Lotsa heavy prices pay for being so careless, blur and lack of concentration in what I am doing… Alas…

Happy Birthday...!

It is your birthday tomorrow.

Wishing you many many happy returns on such a special day of yours.

Thanks for being so supportive and patient with me always.

Things have just been easier with you around.

Guess you really add order to my disorganised life! Thou I think I add more chaos to your structured life! Haha.

Sorry... I cannot be not around to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. But late celebration is better than nothing, right? :P

Happy Birthday! Enjoy! Luvs...

Questions...

I have going around asking some people a lot of questions recently. Ha. Perhaps I always have a lot of questions and always have been asking?! I am a problem kid indeed...This I dun deny. Haha.

Just trying to understand certain things... So asking helps, talking aloud helps, listening to what others have to say helps... At least talking about it helps clear the mind, and others may have views that I have never considered or thought about. Anyway, I dunno, thus I ask...obviously.. :P

Anyway, I have come to a conclusion that people can be pretty stupid at times, so irrational that they can do things that put themselves in a distinct disadvantage. So, the heart is an item that we ought to discard at times? Or the brain has suddenly decided to go on strike and stop thinking, thus sabotaging us? Haha..

It is interesting to know how different people see things and set their boundaries. It is also intriguing to know how people have defined their own sets of rights & wrongs, dos & don’ts, rules & boundaries. Yet, when you flip all those 'principles" around and present with a different angle along their own line of arguments, they are eating their own words.

In life, there are always grey areas for debate. It can never be just pure black and white - it is overly idealistic and naive to think so. If it is so, life will NOT be so interesting lor…

“As long as you know what you are doing…”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing most of the times?”

Haha.

Life...

"Life can't give you joy and peace;
It's up to you to will it.
Life just gives you time and space;
it's up to you to fill it."

Congrats, A & MJ..

I attended another wedding yesterday evening at Carlton. I am pretty close to this couple. (Perhaps it is the reason why there were many moments that I was being moved by them yesterday…) We shared an intensive three months together, coaching some special individuals. At the same time, we went on an Aussie trip last year together, creating some really fun and special moments together. Thus we are bonded even closer. (Holidays is one of the best ways to create some intimacy, isn’t it?)

Seeing them finally together is indeed touching. Both of them have come a long way, with each having a really bad experience in a failed relationship. Thus being able to meet other, come together and finally walking down the aisle is indeed not easy.

The bride was getting emotional during the thank-you speech, not to say that her tears just flowed uncontrollably when one of our friends sung such a passion-filled song just for them.

To me, their wedding dinner was not one of those grand and elaborate affairs. Yet, we were not exactly bothered by all the glitches as well. All we know is that we were there to celebrate the moments of significance for them.

I sincerely wish them a happy married life. Both are certainly powerful, passionate and loving individuals, complementing each other pretty well. I am sure they will have lots more fun in their married life..

I Wonder

If things din change for you and me back then
Where will we be today?

Can’t pick it up from where we left off
Can’t go back in time too

This is perhaps the best distance for you and me
It is more than I can ask for

Just a silent wish
For happiness to be yours always...

What's Your Love Style?

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

"Have You Ever Been In Love"

Was up at this hour...

My itunes was on...

Was doing another blog entry actually.

Then this song was played over the speakers...

The tune... then some bits of the lyrics... caught my attention.

The funny thing is, I have been listening to this album over and over again for quite awhile already, however, this song just slipped me every time...

Yet, at this moment, I paused to listen with my heart what this song is about...

Perhaps, it's cos of such quiet nite...

Went to Youtube, managed to find this song...

And pardon me, such coincidence, it is another westlife song from The Love Album...

Have You Ever Been In Love


In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and she's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear her say hello
Cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What it's all about

And when she's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
Cause with her, you can be true
And with her, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
Cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What its all about

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love?

Let...

Hmm, I suddenly decide to try an English version of the below entry. Perhaps I am too bored? Haha…

Let me see, can this do?

Let the twinkling stars
Bring boundless new hopes

Let the vast sky
Embrace all great dreams

Let the silent night
Calm the unsettled mind

Let the cool breeze
Take away all disturbing troubles

Let also a tight hug
Warm the cold heart

Just be with me
To gaze at stars
Let all be unspoken

Still think the Chinese version is much better…. isn’t it? : P

就让。。。

让闪烁的星星
带来无限的新希望

让辽阔的天空
触摸着没有尽头的梦想

让宁静的夜晚
安抚忐忑不安的情绪

让凉凉的微风
吹走懊人的烦恼

也让紧紧的拥抱
温暖一颗即将冷却的心

就陪我去看星星吧
一切都不用再说明

Lord of the Ring Movie

I was watching Lords of the Ring - The Return of the King, i.e. Part 3 yesterday evening. It was the 2nd half of that 3h long show. The 1st half was screened on Sun evening.

As I was watching the show, I realised it is all about the 4 crucials - compelling desire, solid beliefs, effective actions and iron will! It also strongly brings out the distinctions like "If it is to be, it is up to me", "Team work, team players working towards a common vision" and "My vision, commitments, promises dictates my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations". I must say the show also paints a vivid picture of courage, strength, friendship, love and passion.

It is indeed good to watch the same movie again - I may notice some details that I fail to notice the first time round. This is the same in life - when I revisit certain things in my life, I may get a different angle of understanding.

…So for those who said TV shows or movies are a waste of time, perhaps it is time for them to re-look into that comment. There are certainly things that one may learn from selected shows... if one is mindful enough, if I may use that word... :P

My After Thots after the Run

I completed my half marathon yesterday. The weather had been kind - it was cloudy and thus cooling. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why this was an easier run for me this time round. Perhaps it is in the mind too, as I know this run should be much easier for me since I am no longer considered a novice in that anymore. All in all, I enjoyed my run much more this time round. :)

I was just commenting why I like to do this standard chartered run at year end. The run marks the year end for me. It is like setting the goals at the beginning of the year, and knowing that I accomplish them at year end… So doing this run is symbolic in a sense

Do not know exactly why I persist in running actually. I did my virgin half marathon 2 years back in 2004 – it was to support someone who declared completion of a half marathon to be his goal that year. For someone who had problems finishing a 2km and with only 3 months to train, that was indeed a big stretch for me back then. I must have been mad to agree. Haha.. Not to mention that my madness went overboard, and I tested my limits in a full marathon last year. Definitely under-trained, I paid a high price for that – nearly got heat exhaustion. Haha.

Yet, how come I am still doing it now? Hmm… Reasons that I can think of:

1. Can keep fit
2. Cheap!
3. Good conditioning for the mind
4. Can do it any time with little constraints except for the weather
5. Relieve stress
6. Work off what I gobble down! Can lose weight in another word la! Or at least, dun grow fat!
7. Great energy booster & feel good factor.
8. Clear my thoughts and my mind
9. Realign myself with some goals
10. Train up my discipline

Wow, not bad. I can think of 10 reasons at least!

Ya, so I guess these are all that keep me going.

Wonder how long I will still be doing this… Perhaps my interest can change tomorrow? That is for me to find out. Hoo hoo..

Standard Chartered Run

I did not go for my run as planned yesterday night. Was feeling pretty off tune, thus I ended just stoning and sleeping. Opps... Neither did I go for my usual swim today. Opps again... Such laziness, huh?

Tomorrow is the Standard Chartered run already. I only signed up for the half marathon this year. Full marathon requires too much effort and time in training already. So…well, I opt for the easier way… Opps… Lazy lazy again!

Think I did not train as much as I should have. I was perhaps taking it too easy and other things after work take priority rather than going for a run. Of course, there are many other times that I am just feeling tired or lazy… See, laziness is always in my dictionary…:P

A new record of 30, 000 people are running tomorrow. Let’s hope the weather will be fine and my run will be smooth…