Thank you, R...

I think this is long overdue.

I want to thank R for his little gift last Fri…

Thanks for always having me in your thoughts. Thanks for your showers of gifts every now and then too.

It is not about the cost of the gift itself, but how much thought is being put into it.

With your limited $$ resources, you will still remember to get things for me when you are away or on something or for different occasions every now and then. That I appreciate.

Just like you may not have given me expensive gifts on my birthdays, but for the past 2-3 years, you would make your way down and wait for me below my office building to let me have the eggs and mee suan that you have cooked yourself. Simple enough, but I appreciate the acts of love and thoughts.

It is not so much about what you say too, it is about the sincerity that I feel.

It has never been a perfect or smooth journey with you… We give it to each other, we argue, we fight many a times (in fact, too many times lor! Haha)… But I suppose we get to understand each other better, and support each other in the process. We are not supposed to buy into each other's bullshit, rem?

And I know that you will never walk out of me. I do not know where I got this feeling from, but I just know.

"Thank you, friend."

A big four for u! :)

This Week...

My schedule for this week:

Lunches: All fully booked

Evenings: Almost all filled with appts/ things to do

Is that called packed? Or busy?

But ... busy is not equal to getting things done...

N energy is on a continuous depletion mode...

A Church Wedding

Attended a colleague’s wedding at a Methodist church today.

Perhaps it has been a long while since I last attended a church wedding, or perhaps my mind is wandering most of the time when I need to be rooted at a place for quite awhile... The point is, miraculously, I do enjoy the church wedding today for many a reason, though the cold air inside was brain freezing and I did get a little distracted every now and then.

A wedding is not the marriage...

It is not happily ever after... it is a plot of land, with some basic tools to work on...

The 3 foundations of a marriage: partnership, priority, & loyalty...

Ehhh... I had been listening wor...

Hahaha... 8-P

Women...

I seriously think I got issue handling the female species, especially those who are hypersensitive and 'petty' kind...It has never been my forte to know how to deal with them. I can never quite understand what's up with them.

Perhaps there are many things that I do not really bother about, and I cannot understand what the big deal many trivial matters is. If it doesn’t exactly bother me, I would not think that it will bother the other party. I will not give it extra thoughts to it too. However, I am not saying that I am not sensitive to someone’s feelings. I am. However, I always have a difficult time apprehending certain reactions and actions some girls have (not saying that I understand the guys’ one la! They are equally weird!). And why on earth should I try so hard to appease, please or satisfy them and their expectations?

To me, it is simple - if it is a small matter, and once it is over, just put it aside and move on. There is no need to keep harping on it - it will not change anything. There is no point to raise it up again and pinpoint who is at fault as it has already happened. The ideal is to make the best or make better the situation. There is no purpose either to be upset or bear grudges against the issue per se… if it is trivial.

And because the female species is so hypersensitive in certain issues, I get crazy trying to handle them. I need to take extra care in everything that I do or say, because I never quite know what get to them. I think it is no big deal, they think it is a great issue; I think the solution is simple, they choose to complicate the whole matter...

Perhaps I grow up with more male species in my life, perhaps it is due to my 'bad' experience with girls during my growing up years before, or perhaps it is just in my blood that I do not have what it take, thus I can never be quite a girls’ girl buddy kind.

Of course, my closer and long-lasting pals are girls indeed, yet, generally, I always get myself into trouble with girls. They make me want to pull out my hair; they make me puzzled; they are the ones who usually make life difficult for me.

Is it my face? Is it my attitude? Or my behaviour? Or my ways of being? Or what?

Can give me a break or not? Can give me the space to breathe or not?

Women… they are always my stretch.

Truth?

Isn't it true that sometimes it is better for us not to know the truth?

In that sense, at least we can deceive ourselves … that things are still fine,

… find excuses of all sorts to justify what has happened,

… and cling on to some hopes that things are not exactly what they seem to be …

Ignorance can be bliss… knowing too much is a burden…

Once you know, you can no longer feign ignorance…

Truth may just hurt too…

...

When words delude
And fail to connote
Can silence trail
Every thought in the lode?

When pining swells
To take off every breath
And melt every bit
Can your presence be felt?

When affection explodes
Running wild to explore
And trample any sense
What is left to sane?

... ...

A Knock at the Door

A friend sent this link to me. And he is right... I do like this...

Rekindle the magic in the heart... just like the ever familiar fairy tales that we so often read and heard about when young.

The dreams, the hopes, and the faith... Open up the heart to feel, experience and receive...

For a much clearer version, click here.

Today, tomorrow, next week, next mth...

Finally, the long CNY public holiday is coming to an end.

Tomorrow is the start of another working day. The thought of it makes me blue. It is not so much about work itself, but it is about being back at a place where I need to face certain people who simply make life difficult for me.

On top of that, there is no public holiday in the month of Mar to look forward to…

And I start to miss my holidays. How I wish I can be somewhere out there for a break, so as to get away from all that is here, and to relax, be at peace, experience life, and simply be with the nature and the place itself.

However, due to many factors, holidays may not happen in the short run…

Nevertheless, I figure a little positivity goes a long way…I will remind myself of that…

"Happy Birthday!"

Oh ya, tomorrow is the birthday of someone very special in my life.

Found out his birthday by chance actually. Haha.

He is a very fantastic man, full of love, sensitivity and passion. Perhaps expressing is not his forte, yet, one can experience all of him in his ways of being and actions. A responsible and committed man, he always puts his folks as priority. In his own ways, he shines among the crowd, and is so endearing. I am just glad that our paths have crossed...

To him, tomorrow is just another day - nothing special, nothing to shout about, nothing to celebrate…

Whichever, I just want to wish him “Happy Birthday!”… I hope he will have a superb time tomorrow, no matter whoever he is with, whatever he is doing.

These 2 days...

Have been sleeping at wee hour these 2 days. Do not need to get up early the next day, thus the luxury to stay awake late… Time seems to be on an accelerated mode in the night, dunno why.

I have been watching my Korean drama series vcds these few days. As usual, the plot is so sad…

Oh, did I say that I have been dreaming of the same person for the past 3 days? :-O Brain is malfunctioning perhaps. Whichever, since I cannot control it, I should let it be.

And did I also say that I thought today is Sunday? I was very puzzled when my hp alarm went off at 6.50am this morning. I thought my hp has gone haywired! It took me quite awhile to realize that today is Mon. My mind simply cannot register why today is Mon! *Shrug* Perhaps it is CNY, and the mind is also on holidays, hence all the confusion. Haha.

Anyway, I still should cherish these few days of CNY and the break. Once over, it can never be retrieved…

First Day of Chinese New Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

First day of the piggy year!

As usual, it is a peaceful Chu Yi for me ... I am usually at home on this day. Visiting, if any, will only happen on the 2nd day.

We made a very rushed trip to Esplanade yesterday night to catch the fireworks at midnight. We were just about on time. A full 10 minutes of fireworks display…It was a spectacular sight, of course. They are always so breathtaking… I simply love them… Just that they are always so short-lived and the crowd is always so scary…

And today, I chose to bath my cats, so that they can be clean, soft and smelling nice on CNY.. :-P As usual, they turn into such evil monsters whenever I attempt to bath them! It is always an effort to make them clean. They gave me a few scratches as CNY present. And my mind went to an off mode suddenly too that I poured the hot water directly on my left hand. Hopeless, ain’t I?

And my lower back still hurts… :(

Btw, I have been gobbling down all the CNY goodies that I can lay my hands on. Such fattening indulgence! I am too much a greedy pig…so simply cannot resist them! If someday you cannot grab me by my waist, please pardon me… Wahaha!

Expectations

When there is no expectation, every little good thing that happens is a bonus, a pleasant surprise that may bring on a delighted smile.

Yet when expectations set in, it becomes a different ball game. Disappointment sets in more often than not when things do not go the way it “should” be. The so-called bonus may now be a shortfall instead...

Of course, it can only disappoint or hurt when it matters.

But we are not saints… how not to have expectations?

Hurtful Love

Recently, I have been acting like Aunt Agony or something, listening to a few whom shared with me their most recent relationships. One shares how she is badly hurt in the relationship, how hard it is for her to let go, how certain words and acts have hurt her, and the foolish things that she has done; the other tells me how he handled and ended the relationship simply because the so-called love feeling is no longer there and that he does not wish to drag it much longer. He just suddenly ignited the shock bomb on a day, and left the girl bewildered and hurt...which I screwed him for being so selfish.

All in the name of Love, people are caught in acts of folly and irrationality, causing unnecessary hurts, pains and scars that can be permanent…

No right or wrong...there is never a clear definite line… though there can always be better ways to handle it, I suppose.

Such a powerful and unexplainable double-edged sword...

Why?

I wonder how come I am feeling so much on some days recently.

When certain suppressed or repressed feelings can no longer be kept down or compartmentalized, they will come together with some other emotions and thoughts.

And the surge is so strong that I can be drowned.

At times, I question whether I am really strong, or I am just putting up a strong front.

Such honesty… haha…

Am I Ok?

Am I ok?

If you ever do ask me this question, what kind of answer do you expect from me?

If I said I am, would you believe me? Would you simply buy that? Then, what's next?

If I said I am not, what can you do?

Can you be in my position to handle my issues? Or you will ask how I am every now and then? Or…?

If I am alive and kicking, am I ok?

If I am down and under, but I will still move on, is that considered ok?

If I am feeling upset, moody, frustrated or tired, am I not ok?

If my thoughts are running negatively wild, is that not ok too?

If all I want is you to be around when I need it, is that too much to ask?

Yet, if you ever do ask, I thank you for your concern and love.

Do not be too concerned. All I can say is…

“I will ultimately handle what I need to handle, be it I like it or not, easy or hard.”

Sat 10022007

Met up with Zac Zac for lunch today at Vivo. It was great seeing him again. It has been awhile since he is back from Sydney. In this short trip home, he got his schedule packed - busy man is trying to catch up with as many friends possible. Of course, he is a sweet man - he brought Arnott's shortbread cream biscuits back! :P

If you ever get to know Zac Zac, he is such a fantastic guy - easy-going, friendly, humorous, witty, fun… The list just goes on... So he is popular man definitely, which is apparent in his tight schedule whenever he is back . And I suddenly realise that I have known him for more than 10 years already! :-O Fate is a funny thing indeed. We were in the same school for only 3 months back then, not to mention he went to Sydney to study after he completed his studies here. As such, we never had a lot of interactions then. On top of that, he is always in a faraway land now. Yet, somehow, I feel closer to him than some people whom I always see…. Unexplainable stuff…*shrug*

Managed to have some quiet moments by myself too. Landed myself in a relatively quiet Coffee Bean in the early evening and had a cup of iced tea while flipping through some magazines. It is a rarity that I can grab moments like this.

Went for a 10km jog just now as well. It was a long overdue and much needed run. So much thoughts flashed through during this run... Clearer mind after the run? There is no answer for this question. But... I definitely do not feel as pent up.

Upset

I am very upset certainly. Things are getting out of hand, and coupled with few other issues, I have reached my limit.

Fighting very hard to hold back the tears here. Ought to be smacked for being so weak. Ought to be slapped for not being able to stand tall... To crumple is the last thing I should allow myself...

However, "this shall pass"... This I know... I should chant this till it sinks in all the way and become a reality.

The Power

Decided to "own" this post, if you know what I mean. So did some amendments to the nouns.

Amended 8 Feb ___________________________________________

Isn't it amazing how much hold some people may have over you ?

I am.

Some people, whatever they say, whatever they do, you I can simply ignore, shut down, or bite them back. Nothing may get to you me because who cares about people not important to you me?

Yet for some others, one sentence, one gesture, one look from them... carries so much weight. It may be enough to make your my day, to spur you me on, or it can hurt like crazy and throw you me into total gloom.

This is where my vulnerability has already set in. Do not abuse it. It is too delicate to be mistreated…

The power of indivduals you + (overly) sensitivity of a mind = unexpected effects ...?

我和你...

虽然将来会成风
有从前还是好的

让今天和昨天
填满心中的那份感激

试着让昨日的感慨
随着微风荡漾而逝

也让今晚的月光
叙述一切吧

To Know or Not to Know?

Truth is the answer?
Seek nothing but that?
No more wild guesses chases
No more mind wandering wonders
Yet the truth may be a bullet
Piercing through the frail heart
Consequences are a guess too

Or to be in the dark is better?
Ignorance is bliss
Bliss is innocent
If deception can be for a lifetime
That can be taken as the truth?
Is that naively plain?
Or plainly naive?

To know or not to know?
To find out or to leave it?
If switching off is like a switch
Choice would be much simpler?

Coward...

"I am a coward."

I said this to someone very recently. And this phrase popped into my mind again.

And I think I am.

For things/events that I have very bad experiences with before, I am fearful. This fear can engulf me so much so that I am scared to attempt them again. All I want is to get as far away from them as possible.

When I am in the process of going through it, I will survive – grit my teeth and fight/ last to the end. Quitting is not in my dictionary there and then. But thereafter, due to the fact that I tried so hard, and the journey is so tough and dark, I would never want to try it ever again. From then on, I am on a constant run track to escape from it...

That is really bad, isn't it? I should not use past experiences as a guide to what and how it can be. Every experience should start on a fresh new page. Yet, it is so tough to do that when certain beliefs have already set in...

Call forth the courage... n yet it may go into hiding...

So… a coward I am.

Today

The atrocious me decided to play punk today - I ran away from work. I am such an irresponsible and difficult-to-handle worker, isn't it?

Eyes can hardly open lah. Feeling very tired. Wonder what are the causes of it... Is it because I have been sleeping late every night? I have been out too often? The everyday mental battle is too much? Or all these are just excuses for NOT going to work?

Yet, when I do not need to work, I seem to have lotsa energy for any other thing. What an irony! Haha…

Have been getting a lot of pimples recently too. They are indeed such a pain. They are not a common sight on my face, by the way. Thus a few of them are considered really a lot already.

Nevertheless, today is meant to be enjoyed, be it alone or with someone else. So let it be that. :)

Windy Night

It was such a windy night yesterday... It reminded me of Byron Bay... the day when I was waiting eagerly for the awesome sunrise with my mates. Too bad the stars were missing; otherwise, it would be such an endearing night.

The fantastic weather made the run so much more enjoyable - cooler, easier and more comfy. It is one of those rare occasions where my mind did not wander too far off to focus on issues in my life during a run. I was simply running, and that was about it...

So... the weather does have a part to play on the way I do a jog.... just like it will have a part in my moods??

Strain?

Once there is a strain on a relationship, it can never be the same ever again?

Just like a cracked mirror... no matter how hard I try to mend or make good, the cracks will always be there. Perhaps the cracks may not be so obvious; however, it will never be as 'flawless' as it once was.

Of course, I can try to make the relationship better. Yet, it takes both hands to clap. One-sided effort will never quite work out, isn't it? Not to mention that there are so many other factors that determine the make or break of it.

But at the end of it all, whether it is worth all the effort or not, I think it is a personal choice. It really depends on who the person is and his or her importance to me. For some, they can simply be discarded in the garbage bin once and for all. Yet for some selected few, no matter what they have done or what happens, the love for them is always unaffected.

I'm not out to please everyone in the whole wide world and can never achieve that as well. If you happen to fall into a category that I don’t give a darn or can't be bothered more, do not try to be funny. Have you ever seen how a cat reacts when it feels threatened? I will be like tat if you ever invade into my space and step on my toes… Haha…

Auntie

Think I am really becoming an auntie…

I am getting more and more pro in buying things like groceries, CNY goodies and decorations. For the past few years, CNY is a time for me to get busy with getting all these stuff, not my mom…

Since many years ago, I have also been very involved in getting items like pillows, wardrobes, beds, electric appliances, paints…The list goes on… I think you get the idea.

I am not getting good and having more time to go shopping for stuff like clothes or accessories to make myself look pretty pretty lor. Caught me during a weekend, and you will know how nua I can be.

Not to say if I walk around a little bit more, and I will be worn out with legs and back aching, eyes closing...

All these are signs of aging huh?

Certainly getting less desirable … (Never attractive to start off with already…!!)

Sweet young things… are what men always look for …

Not an ugly old auntie in the making…

*Shake head in exasperation*

原来

我以为没关系
我以为无所谓
也以为放得下
原来不然

原来如此的脆弱
原来如此的渺小
原来那么的不堪一击

太高估自己了

Past Mistake

It is a nightmare to have past events/experiences to come back to haunt.

Thought that time has passed, many things are forgotten, dust has settled, feelings are handled... and life has moved on…

Only to be reminded of it by some events or some people.

This feeling is so...suffocating, frightening and overwhelming.

One can never make a mistake in life, especially a grave one, isn't it? Otherwise, once committed, there may be no turning back anymore… there is no 2nd chance given… and it may leave an inerasable stain in one's life forever.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Was talking to my wandering friend over msn yesterday. We were just chatting...and then we started to talk about the light at the end of the tunnel.

The conversation of the tunnel is somewhat like this:

Me: There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Him: The light at the end...
Me: Just that sometimes the tunnel seems very long, and the light is nowhere to be seen.
Me: So it can get very discouraging.
Him: As a civil engineer...
Him: You can dig a hole to the top...
Me: With nothing on hand, how to? But when I am desperate, I think I will try! Haha…

The main gist that I am trying to say is...my dear friend offers a good alternative - when I got tired of walking towards the end of the tunnel, I should just dig a hole to the top to get out of it... Dun need to keep walking along the tunnel... So there is more than one way to see light after darkness!

But what if... the tunnel is right under a mountain like Mt Everest? How long will the digging take?! Can it be dug in the first place? :-O

At times...

Yearning for more hugs, attention and TLC at times like this…

Such an immature big kid, aren’t I?

Or I am simply too … weak & hopeless…?

What am I pretending not to know?

:-O

Whichever?

Sense and sensibility
Rationality and feelings
Which one to listen to?

Actions and decisions
Results and consequences
How prepared am I?

Thoughtfulness and selfishness
Others or myself
Can it be best of both worlds?

To hurt or to be hurt
To love or to be loved
Need I choose?

Responsibility and commitment
Passion and affection
Complementary or opposing?

Vulnerability and emotions
Expressions and thoughts
To display or to conceal?

Black and white
With shades of grey
Can it ever be so clear?


[Others it has to be
Selfish it should not be
Be clear is not a choice
Be strong is a must...]

Shoes...?

You took a look at it. You think it is nice. You gave it a try. You think it was fabulous. You think it suited you. You decided it was worth a shot. Thus you paid. You brought the pair of shoes home. You are satisfied with your choice.

You saw others wearing the same pair of shoes one fine day. They seems pretty and comfy. You affirmed that you did make a great buy.

Then came the special day - you wore the new pair of shoes out.

Slowly, but surely, all the problems started to surface. You realised that they bite. They caused you to have blisters. They hurt your feet. They wore out your toes. They kept slipping out. You were almost limping in them. Suddenly, your choice did not seem that fantastic anymore...

Others commented that they looked very nice. However, they did not know how much pain they have inflicted on your poor feet. And because you wanted to look pretty, you insisted on wearing them the whole day.

Yet, after struggling for one long day, what will you do? Are you going to give that pair of shoes another chance? Will you ever wear them again?

Or you think that they are too new, so it is only usual that they are uncomfortable? As such, you went to buy the heel cushions and shields to make better the situation.

What if you decide to give the shoes a 2nd chance and wore them again with all the "preventions" in place, only to realise that they still gave you the same problems? Then what is next? A 3rd or 4th chance?

Do you think they will eventually be seasoned and grow on your feet after a few more wears? Or will you get used to the pain, thus continue to wear the shoes anyway? Or because you have paid for them, you just would not let them go to waste? Or you know that as pretty as they may look, they are not for you, and ought to be discarded to save you all the agony?

What would you choose to do?

Such irritating pair of shoes…

Another Attempt?

How about a goal for me to attempt the full marathon this year end again?

Too little a time, too many a commitment, too hasty a decision, too much a stretch, too ill-disciplined a mind…?

Many considerations…

So what think you?

Awareness

"Awareness is the practice of staying awake moment to moment: to be fully present, and available to every moment to choose deliberately. Your awareness in the moment can transform each challenging life moment and situation into a new beginning for you. Practice awareness leads to authentic inner change, and this is synonymous with being in charge of your happiness, freedom and destiny. Increase awareness, and you will attract to yourself higher events and opportunities."

Complacency, laziness and automatic are the greatest enemies to awareness? It has to be a constant effort to be aware and to choose...

Patience + Tolerance

Can someone teach me patience and tolerance? Think I need that very badly now... Otherwise, the frustrations will drive me mad pretty soon.. :(

The issue lies with me, isn't it? For things that I can close one eye and tolerate, I should. Matters should not be taken so seriously - if it can be passed, it should. If not, I am making life more difficult for myself than it should be.

I need to shift... I need to adjust my expectations and attitudes... so that all can be made simpler... It is a lesson that I badly need to learn huh?

Or… what?

Can someone show me an easier way?

My wish always is to have someone in my life who can show me the ways. Lead and I will be led.

I am plain lazy, u may want to call it. At times, I just want easier ways to walk through events in my life, and learn without paying such a high price...

Risk...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, has nothing and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, grow, feel, change, love, live. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.

So have you taken a risk today?

Have you risked laughing or weeping?

When was the last time you expressed your feelings or reached out for another?

When did you last let someone into your heart, understand the inner you and know the true you? Perhaps you would say why there is a need to. My question is why not? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone(s) whom you can relate to, where you can just be yourself without fear of being judged, knowing that no matter what happen, he/she will always root for you…? Idealistic? Or it can be a reality? Are you willing to risk trusting someone else again?

Have you given a try in things that you have been always thinking of? If not, why not? Is there ever a right time? Is there ever a perfect day? Is there ever a moment that everything will just fall in place? Or you got to be the one to make it happen? To risk failure...but do it anyway…

Insecurity

Insecurity… This word is driving me nuts recently.

Because I’m insecure, every little action that someone else takes, I question, I wonder, and I imagine the worst of the situation or that person. Everything that happens may be and can be a threat to me even if it is not and will never be. I keep looking for assurance and affirmation in words, actions or results externally, so as to satisfy that niggling voice of inadequacy inside me…

There are a million things that we can be insecure about - self worth, financial status, power and position, looks, abilities and capabilities, our importance in another person’s heart…the list just goes on and on.

I suppose insecurities are compounded and stemmed out of past experiences, which translates into beliefs and thus the lack of confidence and deficiency in assurance. As such, when things happen, we get touchy, we become unhappy, we think otherwise of a situation. On top of that, we continually seek out external sources to affirm our own worth and contributions. We forget about intimacy (which translates= into-me-see), we forget insecurity are from within, not external driven…and that at the end of it all, we got to handle these conversations internally and from the roots.

Truthfully, I have my own fair share of insecurity too... (A long list, perhaps?! Haha!) Don’t you too? Thus I also need some words of assurance, some given confidence and some borrowed faith many a time...

Yet, I must say that too much insecurity can drive all others nuts. I personally find it a very big stretch to keep managing someone’s else insecurities every time if it happens very often or worse, day in and day out. I have to be careful with my words; I need to be mindful of every action that I take; I got to be very sensitive to every big or small movement the other person takes… That… is really a bit too much for me to swallow. Too suffocating, restrictive, and frustrating!

I wonder was I ever such a nightmare to someone’s else in my life. If I ever was, I ought to stab myself for it.

And I certainly hope I will never be…such a monster…

If I am, please just kill me…

Craving for Prawn Mee

Prawn Mee...Yum Yum....

Yet to satisfy this sudden craving of mine....Din have any prawn mee this year yet... There are a few places that I like their prawn mee particularly...

I used to be able to have Kallang prawn mee for lunches in the past. Cos my lunch time was more flexible, and it was nearer to get there from my ex company… Not to mention that I got kakis.... I went with my ex colleagues twice last year too. I made them go with me, and they were always nice enough to oblige, of course. ;P ... Hot weather, hot and crowded place, sweat like anything, but the prawn mee is really sedap there!!

Hmm, I must satisfy this craving of mine one of these days… Should wait for my guardian angel to make his appearance to bring me there…

Yum yum... *drooling*

Me: Let me find that guardian angel first ah…

U: Huh? Prawn mee needs what guardian angel? Just go!

Me: Guardian angels always make my wishes come true mah... They are supposed to be around always...

U: But this is JUST prawn mee leh! Crazy woman!

Me: ... ... ... ... :( :(

I am getting more and more crappy. Haha…

A Run...Your Style

Did you ever do a run? Have you ever attempted a race?

Did you complete it? Or you drop out halfway? Or you never even start it at all?

If you did run, what is your style? Are you the "slow and steady, win the race" runner? Or you are the sprinter type who gives it all till you cross the finishing line?

Or you are someone who started too fast, only to lose steam halfway through it?

Or you are one that has difficulty starting, but get more and more gear up as you run?

When the going gets tough, when your physical body tells you that it cannot go on, what did you do? Is it a mind-over-body matter? Or you let your tiredness consumes the whole of you? What conversations go through your mind? Do you give in to the angel or the devil in your brain when it is crunch time?

If this is the last lap of the run, do you slack and slow down, or do you give it an additonal burst of energy to cross the finishing line in glory?

So what is your style?

Do you ever run?

Do you have a starting line for yourself, with the end point in your mind and within your sight?

Lunch Today

I had lunch with a friend today. She is a mentor to me, and yes, she used to be a life coach , supporting many individuals to excel in their own individual areas. And I am proud to say that I am one of those that she have coached - she was there to highlight my limiting beliefs; she was there to challenge my conversations; she was there to support me when I have my breakdowns; she was there to empower so that I can spread my wings and soar.

She is certainly someone that I respect and look up to. In her 40s, she is experienced, steadfast and powerful. Someone once said to me that we two are very similar in characters and thinking- she is like a more mature version of me. Perhaps…there is some truth to that? Well…

Anyway, it was nice catching up with her over lunch. It was 2 Sat ago, in a X’mas dinner gathering at one of the homes, that we agreed for lunch these 1-2 weeks.

I thought the lunch today would be more about me again… However, it turned out not. Instead, she shared with me what’s up in her life, the reflections that she had done over the past four days, the breakdowns she had last year, the goals that she had set for herself this year, and some issues that came up for her in area of relationship, family and personal development etc. In the end, I was the one throwing some questions for her to think about, offering my 2 cents worth of thoughts, and highlighting some points of views that she might have overlooked.

Well, come to think of it, I wonder if I was making sense this afternoon. Talking to someone who has seen more in life than I did, is so powerful in her own ways, and an experienced life coach, I question how much I can contribute.

Yet, no matter how powerful we each may be, we usually have our own blind spots, and it may take another to point that out?

Nevertheless, I am glad that she is willing to be so open and vulnerable with me. It is a sign of trust and bond. For that, I am indeed very delighted.

Even though I may not be able to offer much, I am most glad to be at least there to listen, so that she may get clarity in the process.

I will be more than happy to know that I can be in contribution… if I could in any way…

A Brand New Year, 2007

What did you do to welcome 2007?

I did a simple countdown yesterday. Went out in 4s, one of whom is my brother…It was his birthday yesterday. Thus I got him at 11pm to go to Holland Village. We all had decided to give the town and other countdown places a miss, as the crowd could be suffocating…

We ended up at Breko at 11+pm. Surprisingly, we still managed to get a cosy place tucked in a corner… We were simply spoilt for choices when it came to choosing food...



Ordered a piece of tiramisu for my brother. It was already 11:40pm when the cake was served.

This is the cake…Just a small piece…Of cos, we sung the birthday song loud and clear!



However, with 3 guys around, it is hard not to order alot of food... Burger, potato wedges, buffalo wings, coffee, tea, ice-blended... Such late night indulgence... Certainly the best way to get fat is eating so much in the middle of a late night! *shake head*



When midnight approached, everyone was in the highs - many from the pubs and cafes were out on the streets to welcome 2007, going wild with the given party poppers, sparklers etc. Laughter, joy and cheers filled the air…and that was contagious…

And the damage done to our bulging stomach? See the remains of our food….



A quiet way of welcoming a new year… Yet, we were all pretty entertained by one another’s hilarious acts and crappy talks. Need not be with the crowds, need not do something special, need not be at somewhere happening… Most enjoyable things are most often, the simple things in life…

Today - the first day of 2007. What are you doing, and have you done today?

Yes, it is just the start of a new year, however, thieves of time are lurking... Thus do what your heart desires… Wait no longer...

:)

Minutes keep ticking by
Less than 2 days
Before it is a goodbye to 2006

Long weekend is here to stay
Celebration mood is in the air
2007 is close on the heels

Thanks for being around this year
Cos of your generous love, care and concern
Thus I am where I am today

Words I may not be good at
Expressions may be subtle too
Appreciation is heart felt though

May things be bright and rosy
For each of us
In the new year…
:)

A Slave to Technology

I certainly realised that I am a slave to the digital world. Due to the Taiwan earthquake that damaged the vulnerable undersea cable, I was unable to access to the internet for the past 2 days. I did my previous blog entry 3 days ago, only to realise that I could not log on to blog it! It was only today that I finally could log in to post it up.. Gosh..

With no net to surf, no email to check, or msn to chit chat, I seem so handicapped and bored... Such dependency on technology.... It is such a pity that the office email is still working, otherwise, at least, I did not need to work (so hard...) for the past 2 days. :P

Guess it is really hard to go back to using primitive methods all over again when I am so used to all these. Not to say I cannot, but is there a need to when obviously there is a more efficient and effective way of accessing to information, getting work done and getting entertainment?

Hmm, if there comes a day where there is no internet, no mobile communications, or worse still, no radio, no music, no TV, I wonder I will bore myself to death or not.

Hopeless, I indeed am... :P

Possessive...

The definition of Possessive according to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary: the desire to own or dominate.

It is human being’s nature to desire owning the things we like, be it an item or a person, isn’t it? If not, then perhaps that item is not important to us at all?

However, this possessiveness is very delicate, especially in a relationship of any sort. How much is enough? How much breathing space is good? How much freedom is desirable? Asking too much, caring too excessively, wanting too much time together and it becomes suffocating and growth impeding. The other party then starts to resist all these so-called love and concern. Yet, if you do not show enough TLC, you end up with feedbacks that you do not care or you get questioned of their importance and place in your heart.

Some people need more space than others; some love to stick together… This is a scale, always waiting to be balanced; otherwise, the whole equation will be upset. It takes 2 persons’ expectations to be aligned, and deep understanding, sensitivity and trust to make this scale well-balanced.

I personally did commit this crime of being possessive before, not so much in actions but in thoughts, many a time. I remembered I was so close to this Uni girlfriend of mine that I wish that I am the closest friend in her life too, and I got a taste of sour grapes when I saw her close to her JC friends… How immature. Haha.

As I get on with life, I learn and shift my thinking. Just like I greatly value my own freedom, I respect others for their private space to do what they want. They are not my possessions, and should not be treated as one. Of course, I ought to be honest to acknowledge that I may have my own insecurity every now and then, questioning many things such as my importance and contributions. However, I will try to handle these conversations of mine internally with my best efforts. To impose, demand or restrict is too much and not right, not to say to practice double standards.

I am also fully aware that if the person that I love or care for is happy, I should be happy no matter I am a part of his or her life or not. But saint I am not, hence I must admit this principle is hard to follow at times. Of course, I rather to be the one hurt than to see the ones I love upset, as it is always easier to handle my own emotions than another person.

Many things in life are like sand: the harder I try to grab tight to it, the more it will slip through my fingers… Thus, I figure the best is to treasure what is right in front of me today, even though things may change tomorrow.

Outcome is perhaps important to me. Yet, no matter what the outcome may be, I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the process and the moment called The Present.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is real?

Guess what, I got an 80GB Ipod, together with some facial products as X’mas present yesterday from someone that I am not even exactly close to.

It was a shock to receive these… even though I am very upset to lose my Ipod… Just do not feel very right and nice to receive such expensive gifts (even though the $ spent is minimal to him)…yet, to refuse seems very rude too…

Can only thank him graciously for all the gifts and the sweet thoughts…

And hopefully, I will be less careless with my things next time…

Santa does not entertain bad girls so often…

Review Time...

2005 is a year of actions for me – I was doing a lot of things at the same time, thus cramping up my schedule. Life seemed to be in a mad rush for me, with a lot to accomplish each day. Well, it was a great year for me - actions, actions and then results… On hindsight, I realized that I achieved a lot in 2005... However, of course, after a year of such hectic schedule, one of my goals for 2006 is to have a more relaxed year...

Suddenly, with a blink, 2006 is coming to an end. Is it about me or that time simply flies?

Since coming to the end of a year, it is a time for reflection and review…

Well, yes, this year is indeed a more relaxed year for me in term of activities. I took quite a number of holidays, both long and short ones, and did 2 half marathons. And I am more inward focused this year, with the attention on myself and people who are closer to me.

In general, this is a thinking year for me. I cannot say it hasn’t been smooth sailing, but I guess I have had a greater share of breakdowns this year as compared to last year, and many events that took place set me thinking about things. I have also made a few major decisions this year...

Nevertheless, I did achieve almost everything that I set in my 2006 DOE. Of course, I think there is some shortfall in certain PPGs, which certainly can be better...

So... now let me mull over what kind of personal and professional goals I should set for myself in the coming year of 2007.

Madness Week

It is madness in office this week!! So busy with work that I can hardly breathe. Why so busy? Cos we are rushing out for a campaign…and it is holidays season... and the whole wide world seems to be on leave...

Of course, not forgetting that everything has to follow this process:

1. Identify the issue
2. Propose alternatives or solutions
3. MUST ASK FOR APPROVAL
4. Cannot do anything or make any decision without clearance.
5. Follow instructions solely and DO
6. Repeat step 1 all over again

So... every matter, big or small, important or trivial has to be cleared by Her. None of us can make decisions ourselves, even though the solution or action is so straight in the face. Thus I supposed that is one reason why I am so busy... additional steps in every thing we do... so inefficient, so redundant. I think my brain is retarding - it has refused to think nowadays as there is no need to....

X'mas is so close on the heels now. I always love X'mas, and like the whole meaning behind it, thus X'mas is one of my favourite festive holidays. Yet, the merry x’mas mood seems to miss me this year... Think I am too overwhelmed by every other thing that I do not have time or energy to enjoy the mood in the air.

Or otherwise, it is just a plain sign that I am getting old... Old means emotions are pretty flat and everything else does not seem to be important anymore. In another words, I am oblivious and becoming a walking zombie... Haha…

Careless...

I lost my Ipod few days back... :( x ∞

There goes my nice black Ipod, together with my 1800+ of mp3, photos and the rest. :…(

Did I ever say that I am a very blur and careless person in nature when it comes to things? I normally cannot quite recall where I last put my things, nor can I remember when I have done a certain action.

The best part is when I think that I am very careful, I am not; when I think that I am putting in extra conscious effort to be cautious, I am still as clumsy and blur! Arrgh…

And did I ever say that this trait of mine frustrates the hell out of me at times? … I always misplace my things, be it inexpensive or dear, or forget where I last see them etc. I hate it especially when I lost an item that holds significance for me, especially when it is a gift from someone dear in my life.

Lotsa heavy prices pay for being so careless, blur and lack of concentration in what I am doing… Alas…

Happy Birthday...!

It is your birthday tomorrow.

Wishing you many many happy returns on such a special day of yours.

Thanks for being so supportive and patient with me always.

Things have just been easier with you around.

Guess you really add order to my disorganised life! Thou I think I add more chaos to your structured life! Haha.

Sorry... I cannot be not around to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. But late celebration is better than nothing, right? :P

Happy Birthday! Enjoy! Luvs...

Questions...

I have going around asking some people a lot of questions recently. Ha. Perhaps I always have a lot of questions and always have been asking?! I am a problem kid indeed...This I dun deny. Haha.

Just trying to understand certain things... So asking helps, talking aloud helps, listening to what others have to say helps... At least talking about it helps clear the mind, and others may have views that I have never considered or thought about. Anyway, I dunno, thus I ask...obviously.. :P

Anyway, I have come to a conclusion that people can be pretty stupid at times, so irrational that they can do things that put themselves in a distinct disadvantage. So, the heart is an item that we ought to discard at times? Or the brain has suddenly decided to go on strike and stop thinking, thus sabotaging us? Haha..

It is interesting to know how different people see things and set their boundaries. It is also intriguing to know how people have defined their own sets of rights & wrongs, dos & don’ts, rules & boundaries. Yet, when you flip all those 'principles" around and present with a different angle along their own line of arguments, they are eating their own words.

In life, there are always grey areas for debate. It can never be just pure black and white - it is overly idealistic and naive to think so. If it is so, life will NOT be so interesting lor…

“As long as you know what you are doing…”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing most of the times?”

Haha.

Life...

"Life can't give you joy and peace;
It's up to you to will it.
Life just gives you time and space;
it's up to you to fill it."

Congrats, A & MJ..

I attended another wedding yesterday evening at Carlton. I am pretty close to this couple. (Perhaps it is the reason why there were many moments that I was being moved by them yesterday…) We shared an intensive three months together, coaching some special individuals. At the same time, we went on an Aussie trip last year together, creating some really fun and special moments together. Thus we are bonded even closer. (Holidays is one of the best ways to create some intimacy, isn’t it?)

Seeing them finally together is indeed touching. Both of them have come a long way, with each having a really bad experience in a failed relationship. Thus being able to meet other, come together and finally walking down the aisle is indeed not easy.

The bride was getting emotional during the thank-you speech, not to say that her tears just flowed uncontrollably when one of our friends sung such a passion-filled song just for them.

To me, their wedding dinner was not one of those grand and elaborate affairs. Yet, we were not exactly bothered by all the glitches as well. All we know is that we were there to celebrate the moments of significance for them.

I sincerely wish them a happy married life. Both are certainly powerful, passionate and loving individuals, complementing each other pretty well. I am sure they will have lots more fun in their married life..

I Wonder

If things din change for you and me back then
Where will we be today?

Can’t pick it up from where we left off
Can’t go back in time too

This is perhaps the best distance for you and me
It is more than I can ask for

Just a silent wish
For happiness to be yours always...

What's Your Love Style?

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

"Have You Ever Been In Love"

Was up at this hour...

My itunes was on...

Was doing another blog entry actually.

Then this song was played over the speakers...

The tune... then some bits of the lyrics... caught my attention.

The funny thing is, I have been listening to this album over and over again for quite awhile already, however, this song just slipped me every time...

Yet, at this moment, I paused to listen with my heart what this song is about...

Perhaps, it's cos of such quiet nite...

Went to Youtube, managed to find this song...

And pardon me, such coincidence, it is another westlife song from The Love Album...

Have You Ever Been In Love


In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and she's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear her say hello
Cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What it's all about

And when she's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
Cause with her, you can be true
And with her, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
Cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What its all about

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love?

Let...

Hmm, I suddenly decide to try an English version of the below entry. Perhaps I am too bored? Haha…

Let me see, can this do?

Let the twinkling stars
Bring boundless new hopes

Let the vast sky
Embrace all great dreams

Let the silent night
Calm the unsettled mind

Let the cool breeze
Take away all disturbing troubles

Let also a tight hug
Warm the cold heart

Just be with me
To gaze at stars
Let all be unspoken

Still think the Chinese version is much better…. isn’t it? : P

就让。。。

让闪烁的星星
带来无限的新希望

让辽阔的天空
触摸着没有尽头的梦想

让宁静的夜晚
安抚忐忑不安的情绪

让凉凉的微风
吹走懊人的烦恼

也让紧紧的拥抱
温暖一颗即将冷却的心

就陪我去看星星吧
一切都不用再说明

Lord of the Ring Movie

I was watching Lords of the Ring - The Return of the King, i.e. Part 3 yesterday evening. It was the 2nd half of that 3h long show. The 1st half was screened on Sun evening.

As I was watching the show, I realised it is all about the 4 crucials - compelling desire, solid beliefs, effective actions and iron will! It also strongly brings out the distinctions like "If it is to be, it is up to me", "Team work, team players working towards a common vision" and "My vision, commitments, promises dictates my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations". I must say the show also paints a vivid picture of courage, strength, friendship, love and passion.

It is indeed good to watch the same movie again - I may notice some details that I fail to notice the first time round. This is the same in life - when I revisit certain things in my life, I may get a different angle of understanding.

…So for those who said TV shows or movies are a waste of time, perhaps it is time for them to re-look into that comment. There are certainly things that one may learn from selected shows... if one is mindful enough, if I may use that word... :P

My After Thots after the Run

I completed my half marathon yesterday. The weather had been kind - it was cloudy and thus cooling. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why this was an easier run for me this time round. Perhaps it is in the mind too, as I know this run should be much easier for me since I am no longer considered a novice in that anymore. All in all, I enjoyed my run much more this time round. :)

I was just commenting why I like to do this standard chartered run at year end. The run marks the year end for me. It is like setting the goals at the beginning of the year, and knowing that I accomplish them at year end… So doing this run is symbolic in a sense

Do not know exactly why I persist in running actually. I did my virgin half marathon 2 years back in 2004 – it was to support someone who declared completion of a half marathon to be his goal that year. For someone who had problems finishing a 2km and with only 3 months to train, that was indeed a big stretch for me back then. I must have been mad to agree. Haha.. Not to mention that my madness went overboard, and I tested my limits in a full marathon last year. Definitely under-trained, I paid a high price for that – nearly got heat exhaustion. Haha.

Yet, how come I am still doing it now? Hmm… Reasons that I can think of:

1. Can keep fit
2. Cheap!
3. Good conditioning for the mind
4. Can do it any time with little constraints except for the weather
5. Relieve stress
6. Work off what I gobble down! Can lose weight in another word la! Or at least, dun grow fat!
7. Great energy booster & feel good factor.
8. Clear my thoughts and my mind
9. Realign myself with some goals
10. Train up my discipline

Wow, not bad. I can think of 10 reasons at least!

Ya, so I guess these are all that keep me going.

Wonder how long I will still be doing this… Perhaps my interest can change tomorrow? That is for me to find out. Hoo hoo..

Standard Chartered Run

I did not go for my run as planned yesterday night. Was feeling pretty off tune, thus I ended just stoning and sleeping. Opps... Neither did I go for my usual swim today. Opps again... Such laziness, huh?

Tomorrow is the Standard Chartered run already. I only signed up for the half marathon this year. Full marathon requires too much effort and time in training already. So…well, I opt for the easier way… Opps… Lazy lazy again!

Think I did not train as much as I should have. I was perhaps taking it too easy and other things after work take priority rather than going for a run. Of course, there are many other times that I am just feeling tired or lazy… See, laziness is always in my dictionary…:P

A new record of 30, 000 people are running tomorrow. Let’s hope the weather will be fine and my run will be smooth…

Dream Job

More money + less responsibility + good staff welfare + ok colleagues = dream job?

Uh, hmm? This equation right or not?

If so, then how come it doesn't seem to work for me...?

What's your Choice?

If we always listen to our heart, will the world be in a chaos?

If we are always so rational, will the world be lifeless?

The brain is bigger than the heart for a reason?

Or it is of no coincidence that it is the heart that beats non-stop?

Follow the heart or the brain?

Which one will you choose?

Quotable Quotes

Love these quotes:

"Trust in your instincts and start. A thought or feeling of " Am i ready?" is a signal to start. Starting will always be the best way to get ready. So, the best way to get ready is to get going."

"The only things that stand between people and what they want from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible."

"Our greatest power is the power to choose. We can decide where we are, what we do, and what we think. No one can take the power to choose away from us. It is ours alone. We can do what we want to do. We can be who we want to be."

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the only thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement."

Powerful they are.... Let them serve me... :)

My encounter today

A cleaning lady made a difference in my life today... I was in the Ladies at my office early morning, and while washing my hands, I started having a conversation with this Malay lady, who is doing glass cleaning for a few different buildings.

She commented that she really loves the job that she is doing now as it is very interesting. She used to be working in an office, but now she is just in the service line doing cleaning – a job that some people will look down at. But like she said, she is earning an honest living and she is very happy in this job, thus she does not care about what people say to her or think of her.

And yes, from the way she spoke, I can sense her strong passion for this job. She is right - it doesn't matter where we are and what we are doing, as long as we love what we are doing. And if so, we should not bother too much with what other people have to say or think. What we love to do need not be spectacular in others’ eyes as we ourselves put a value to what we like, not what others see it as. We got to live for ourselves many a times first before satisfying others. If we cannot find a life for ourselves, how can we do something for someone else?

She exhibits so much positive energy too... I am indeed inspired...

Well, I never know who can just make a difference in my life. Haha… It may just take a simple conversation, a trivial incident, or someone to make me aware, realize, learn or to be reminded of certain stuff…

Regrets...

I rather regret an action
That I took
Than to regret something
That I fail to do

The act may be wrong
It may be miscalculated
It can be disastrous

Yet, in the very least
I have taken a risk
I have tried
I have an answer
I may close a chapter
And draw lessons
From the experience

That beats standing at a spot
Guessing how it can be
Or what it may be
Through pure imagination

Realisations...

Get to know myself even better …upon reflection of all the little things that had happened these few days...

Some self realisations that I got:

1. The things that I want in life are pretty simple.

2. Yet, I have high expectations of these simple things. In another words, I believe in giving best shots and desire the finest in these simplicities. Such irony?

3. Reaffirm the fact that money is not the main consideration or driving factor for me.

4. Instead, I desire personal growth & development. Stagnancy frustrates me. Perhaps my impatience speaks volume in this instance.

5. Dislike the idea of being complacent, and let life slip me by. It is all linked to point 4, I suppose.

6. Perhaps to trust my instinct or intuition, instead of just brushing them aside.

First Day...

First day at a new place... It was of course an anticipation phase before I stepped in - some excitement coupled with apprehension.

The start was fine. Colleagues are few on this floor, though there are many of them a floor below. Yet, being located at a different floor is not a major issue as my colleague told me that we do not deal much with the rest at all.. So solitary for a marketing dept...

Orientation of the office environment took a short while, fire drill took up an hour, IT took the rest. This was my morn.

Afternoon? Toured around the various floors, does not know who is who; HR talked to me, gave me lotsa forms to fill up! Arghhh! My immediate boss briefed me on some other stuff... and she is asking me to come up with things already! :(

But got a very sweet surprise from a friend... Got a bouquet of flowers with a fluffy doggie! It was a pleasant surprise, or to put it more plainly, it was a surprising pleasant shock! I could not find any name in the card, but I guess who it was from the sign off of "With loves and huggies"... I was pondering what did the receptionist has for me on my very first day when she emailed me to go to 20th floor for my little surprise! Haha...

See, how pretty and cute, ya? :) Thank you, my dear sweet friend! :))



Let’s see how things go from here. Perhaps it is not what I have expected... but what have I expected in the first place?

It is all too early to tell...

But for the first day, I have survived...

Another Dreamy Nite...

Had another long night full of dreams! I am pretty amazed by how creative and restless my brain can be at times - it can simply pick up anything that happens during the day and weave it into a dream, or create a scenario that totally throws me off guard when I am supposed to be resting and recharging!

Yet, how I wish I can have a switch, so I can switch off the active brain of mine as and when I like it. Or, at least I can slap it into motionless!

Visibility

How about this too?

“ In personal relationships (and in all relationships, really), it’s about loss. It’s about being afraid of what one might lose or fail to gain. Yet the best personal relationships…are relationships in which everyone knows everything; in which visibility is not only the watchword, but the only word; in which there simply are no secrets. ..Nothing is withheld, nothing is shaded or colored or hidden or disguised. Nothing is left out or unspoken. There is no guesswork, there is no game playing; no one is “doing a dance”, “running a number”, or “shining you on”.

This isn’t about having no mental privacy, no safe space in which to move through your personal process...

This is about simply being open and honest in your dealings with another. This is about simply telling the truth when you speak, and about withholding no truth when you know it should be spoken…

This is about coming clean, telling it like it is, giving it to them straight. This is about ensuring that all individuals have all the data and know everything they need to know on a subject. This is about fairness and openness and well...visibility.

Yet this does not mean that every single thought, every private fear, every darkest memory, every fleeting judgment, opinion, or reaction must be placed on the table for discussion and examination. That is not visibility, that is insanity, and it will make you crazy.

We are talking about simple, direct, straightforward, open, honest, complete communication. Yet even at that, it is a striking concept, and a little-used one...”

Enough for you to raise your eyebrows?! Haha...

Peace

How is this?

“ When you find peace from within, you also find that you can do without…

This mean simply that you no longer need the things of your outside world. “Not needing” is a great freedom. It frees you, first, from fear: fear that there is something you won’t have; fear that there is something you have that you will lose; and fear that without a certain thing, you won’t be happy.

Secondly, “not needing” frees you from anger. Anger is fear announced. When you have nothing to fear, you have nothing over which to be angry…

You know inwardly, intuitively, that everything you have created can be created again, or - more importantly - that it doesn’t matter.

When you find Inner Peace, neither the presence nor the absence of any person, place or things, condition, circumstance, or situation can be the Creator of your state of mind or the cause of your experience of being…

This does not mean that you reject all things of the body. Far from it. You experience being fully in your body and the delights of that, as you never have before.

Yet your involvement with things of the body will be voluntary, not mandatory. You will experience bodily sensations because you choose to, not because you are required to in order to feel happy or to justify sadness…

There is perfection in everything…

Need nothing, desire everything. Choose what show up…”

Rainy Day...

Such lazy and relaxing afternoon… It is finally raining outside… I love the rain… Such soothing effect at times…Hopefully this rain will wash away all the heat which was driving me to madness yesterday… And phew, luckily it rained after I did my swim… :)

Guess I must have been too free - I went to dig out emails that have been lying in my mailboxes for years. Some were received or written in year 2000! To think that mailbox sizes were so small back then, so I suppose it is of no coincidence how come I choose to keep these few emails.

These emails, a reflection of my state of being then, brought back memories - some people who left footprints in my life and events that made me grow, be it pleasant or not.

Events, experiences, learning, beliefs, memories… The past makes the present me today. This is the same for everyone, isn't it? Events create the experiences, experiences translate into learning and shape the beliefs, beliefs drive the ways I behave and react today.

Yet, learning is continuous. I am constantly learning how to be better for myself and for the people around me. Do give me a nudge if I forget or lose that along the way.

Knowing You

With you just next to me
Halfway through all our conversations
It suddenly hits me…

How much do I know about you?
Do I really know who you are?
Or I only see how you seem?
Doubts start to cloud my mind...

Perhaps I never try hard enough
To know and understand you
At a depth that I wish to
To get closer to your heart
In a place that I desire…

No, I am not complaining
It is not about that
Just that I do not know
How I can be
Of a contribution to your life…

Close Friends...

Went for dinner with my sweet friend yesterday night. It was a good dinner indeed… Thank you, my friend, for making time to have dinner with me…

We touched on the topic of friends yesterday, and I was telling her that I am getting weary from trying to figure out what is going on for a friend. We went on further to explore the definition of “close” means as it differs from person to person.

Guess she is indeed right - I have my expectations of what a close relationship looks like.

To me, close means trust, openness, communication, authenticity and understanding:

Without trust, how can we build a stronger relationship?

Without openness, how can we know what is going on in each other’s life?

Without communication, how can we understand each other better?

Without authenticity, how do I know you mean what you say and vice versa?

Without understanding, how can we empathize and be supportive to each other?

It doesn’t mean 2 will agree on almost everything and anything. In fact, it may not be at all - one can offer a totally different point of view and yet be supportive anyway.

Perhaps I am asking too much? Or these are just the basic building blocks?

I do suppose 2 persons will drift apart and the bonding will fade when each other’s visions and expectations are misaligned in a relationship. This is also why we cannot be close to everyone and anyone. It takes 2 hands to clap to make the bonding stronger and the relationship closer over time.

To me, it is never about who is giving or taking more in a relationship. I think that cannot be measured as we all show our love in our own ways…

Just for a handful of people who have a special place in my heart, I am certainly more than willing to go the extra mile for them, to adjust and adapt to their styles and try to be there for them. The reason is simple - because You matter. Period. Yet, sometimes this journey can get very tedious…especially when there is so much withholding from the other person.

Sidetracking a little, my friend said this “ Loving a person for who he is, isn’t easy. Cos if you know a person well enough, it’s either way to give in, to lower expectation or the other party to fulfill the expectations. Who make the move depend on who is willing to change.”

Can I offer a different point of view to that? Loving someone doesn’t mean you blindly agree and support everything he is doing, as he may be slightly off track now. By allowing him to be where he is now, are you supporting him to grow? A person never changes, but he can slowly shift... Accepting will mean lower the bar for that person? You may be able to see so much power in him, yet he cannot see it for now. Do you let him be? Is that called loving and supporting him? Or you should try all means to support him so that he can be out there to soar to higher skies? You need to put in effort, in fact more effort to support the person to shift and excel rather than to just accept…

I guess for that, the bottom line is the space that you are coming from - for him or for yourself…

Ended...

Yes, it happened all in a flash.. It is over. Today marks the end of my working life in the company.

Was busy the whole day, and at 7pm, I was still struggling to delete all the stuff in my pc. Yes, my pc got a lot of my personal stuff, like pictures, songs, screensavers etc. This was a blessing in disguise in fact, cos I do not have the time to pause and think further.

Was hiding at another floor when it came 6pm. Know that I did not want people to come to me and say a lot of things... One of my staff sent me this sms at 617pm “Trying to siam us rite?” I burst out laughing to myself when I saw that sms... Best part is I took a train filled with ads that we have done for the company recently!

Only when all is settled and quiet, I know very clearly that I’m not going back tomorrow. Only when alone, I started to let my emotions flow. No, it is not getting out of hand. All that I am feeling now is inevitable - after all, I have made many friends here over these few years, yes, I will miss my seat for that little while…Yet, I also know these feelings are transient - they will pass very quickly… When a new chapter is started, there is little time and no need for me to look back and live in the past…especially when it is just about work…

Last day

Listening to some sentimental hits passed to me by a friend… Gosh… Such oldies.. Yet still never fail to move my heart… Evoking some memories perhaps. Bringing my mood to another level perhaps… Whichever…

Tomorrow will be my last day in my present company. Looking back, 3 months notice period passed in a flash. It was in fact a pretty busy time for me till a few weeks ago when I could finally relax and take a slight breather at work.

For the past 2 years 7 months, it has been a roller coaster ride indeed... Many ups and downs... I have learnt many things here in a way or another. Think work and management will not be something that I will miss. It will be the people here that I will miss - those that I am close to, those who have made a difference in my life in a way or another.

There are a few that I had grown pretty attached to, and had left the company one by one some time back. Some of them are indeed special in ways I do not know how to put across in words. Nothing will change the memories I had with them, even if our relationship is to change some time down the road.

At the same time, there are some who are still here. One had been a great company to me during last year management brainstorming session. He was the one who made my torturous 2 and ½ days so much better. It was that trip that brought us closer. He had been thoughtful in a way or another, perking me up every now and then. I will miss his supply of songs definitely! :P

There are my 2 staff as well, who have braved through the storms with me. They have stood by me and fought with me. I do thank for all the laughter, fun and their patience with me. Perhaps I have not been as great a boss to them that I should have been, but I did try my best in whatever way I know how. Though of course, I could always be much better in every little way. And tonight dinner with them was indeed so great even though we might be talking some nonsensical stuff at times…The feeling is just so…comfortable and warm… I do hope that they will have a easy time with their new head going forward...

There is this gal as well, who suddenly popped into my life out of the blues. She is almost everywhere and anywhere! Haha. She is one sweet gal - gentle, loving, caring, passionate and sensitive. She is one great pal who has made my last few months here especially great. Thanks for all your nice surprises, showers of gifts, and generous love. It has been fantastic with you around. If you are a guy, you would have put a lot of guys to shame! :P You are too sweet in your own little ways. I hope you will find a guy who appreciates you for who you are. But before that can happen, do open your heart to them, and let them come in. You may be in for surprises…

And yes, there is this guy whom I always go down to buy bread or kopi together and have lunches together at times. The morning breaks are good breathers from work at times. We have shared quite a numbers of things together. He has been pretty crappy at times, yet, he is also one guy who is open and willing to share his personal life and thoughts with me. For all these, I appreciate and seriously, I think I would miss the days when we sat at the fountain, talking as we munched away our breads as breakfast.

Of course, there are still many who are superb - those who have managed to withstand my nonsense, my bitchy nature and temper, and yet still be so ever nice and sweet to me. For some, thanks for sharing and letting me into your life, so that I can be a contribution. Knowing and being able to contribute is part of receiving for me… Thank you.

Tomorrow will soon come… Whatever will be, will be… Let’s not get too emotional… It will be a new chapter for me soon... But some things will not change for sure...

Mood...

Late in the nite
Such stirring music
Just back from a trip
Yet mood is somehow not quite rite

What’s up?
My mind playing tricks?
Or my heart failing me?
Am I controlling the mood?
Or the mood is controlling me?

Let me sleep it away tonight...

Miss & Missing

Missing someone
The desire of his presence
And yet to feel the absence of him
This feeling is so unfathomable

It slowly creeps up
In any form possible
Without a single warning
It hits you
It engulfs you
It consumes you
Throwing you into total loneliness

When nightfall is here
Stars are the only ones awake
The moon exudes such irresistible charm
With such idyllic mood
Thoughts can flow freely
And yet so randomly
This feeling is especially intense

Have you ever wondered…
Why miss? Why him?
Why not anyone else?
Someone important?
Someone dear?
Someone close?
Or...?

Whichever…

Are you missing someone now?

Updates...

The previous post was actually done at 7pm…

So the latest update after seeing my doc…Apparently, he said it is NOt gastritis or stomach ulcer… He kept asking me to describe the pain, which I was literally scratching my head. Haha. It is so hard to put specific words into these kind of feelings! He also kept asking me about how exactly I feel when in pain, symptoms, for how long etc.

After all the conversations and checks, he told me some cheem words on my conditions, but in simple words, I concluded it should be some stomach disorder. And from his words, I also deduced that he implied that my this persistent ‘gastric’ pain may be stressed induced. My conversation with him on the topic of stress was pretty funny:

Him: Are you stressed?

Me: Uhh, I don’t think so.

Him: (As he pressed my tummy to check) Do you have a lot of deadlines to meet?

Me: Eh… Don’t have. I don’t think I am stressed at work.

Him: (Smart reply) Then you are stressed over your family lah?

Me: Ok la. Just that both of my parents are sick recently… But I dun think I am that stressed.

Him: Best, you don’t even know you are stressed or not.

Then he even went on to prescribe one type of pill to make me relax! :-O

Anyway, I am taking 6 different types of pills from him now. He said I should be fine very soon. Of course, he added that if I am still not well, I must go and find him to complain (his very own words!).

Well, we should see how things go from here. Fingers crossed.

Still Not Well...

I am a sick cat…:( My stomach pain is still here after 11 long days. It is so persistent that it is irritating the hell out of me!! The attacks can be any time after morning, and the pain is getting so acute nowadays. The medicines the company doctor gave me 5 days ago were practically useless. I still need to take extra cimetidine on top of his medicines to ease the pain. Was practically struggling in pain (and in silence…) when I was at my friend’s house last Friday night. That was one of the worst attacks.

However, I was better on Sat and fine on Sun, thus I thought I have recovered. That was obviously too early a conclusion - I got 2 consecutive days of attacks again. The attack this late morning was too much for me to take it that I went back to my company doctor. He suggested endoscopy for me, but added on to say that mine is less than 2 weeks, so I can still wait and see. In the end, I took the stronger medicines he prescribed, only to realise that they don't seem to work again. Like a defeated cat, I could only make my way home to rest.

The main frustation stems from the fact that the pain is so paralyzing - it is hard to be running around doing things with the pain. At times, I just feel like stopping short and purr like a kitten seeking for some attention and TLC. I also feel like screaming it out loud that I am already at my brim, so stop telling me things, stop pushing me, stop waiting for me and just me to get things sorted out and handled. Let me have some space to breathe and maneuver. I am only one person - there is only that much I can do. I cannot take on the whole family on my shoulders and run. Breakdown, this is one definitely.

Going to see my family doctor later. See what he got to say. He is a very experienced doctor, just that one got to wait darn long before one can get to see him lor. This is the umpteen time that I am seeing a doc for this pain… Ok, not umpteen time, just the 3rd time.

6 Distinctions

6 distinctions that have served me faithfully these few years:

1. 100% is possible 100% of the time.
2. If it is to be, it is up to me.
3. Life is an enrollment game.
4. Teamwork, team players working towards a common vision
5. My vision, commitments, promises dictate my actions, not my feelings, assessments or evaluations.
6. I honour my words with my actions.

These distinctions have become a part of me, so much so that it is an automatic to practice them without me realising it. Human beings are indeed habitual creatures, isn't it? :P

Which distinction serves me best? It is distinction 5, no doubt about it…

Me...

I am just an ordinary mortal
Far from perfect
I have my desires, I have my fears
I have my flaws, I have my bad days

Do not expect too much from me
Do not think highly of me
For many an occasion
I do not have the slightest idea how to rise up to it

“Why” is the driving factor to all creations
Not “how”…
This I understand in depth
Yet this journey is never easy
Bewilderments, struggles, breakdowns, failures
I have more than my fair share...

This is just me...
Far from who you think I am…

What a day again!

Ok, this is going to be one long entry, definitely… Cos the day seems to be pretty long for me.

Today is a lousy day definitely. PMS day?! Perhaps? Hahaha..

Firstly, I am still taking my medicine. My gastritis is still acting up every now and then. That is getting me super irritated because it doesn't seem to go away. The feelings of bloated stomach, pain and nausea suck big time, to be very truthful. On top of that, I took my cough syrup this morning as I started coughing, thus got me to feel very drowsy. During lunch, I was almost like Alice in Wonderland, high without any alcohol. In the end, I ended up resting in the toilet, trying to take forty winks after my lunch... That was how desperate I am.

Secondly, I just had a fight with my boss over my last day in this company. She called me at 2+pm and her voice was raised the moment I picked up the call, as if she was interrogating some criminals. This is the gist of the conversation that we had:

Her: I thought you are extending till 17 Nov.
Me: No. I have checked with HR. They said she (my replacement) could only come in on 16 Nov. Then there is no point for me to stay till 17 Nov. Only 2 days with her.

Her: No, she is coming in on the 13 Nov.
Me: No, I just checked with HR 2 days ago.
Her: By right, you cannot take leave when you are serving notice. This is a company policy. But I allowed you to take on the understanding that you will extend.
Me: I do not think that policy was stated in my letter of appointment.
Her: If you leave on 14, then I am going to die! There is no one to hand things over to her, or teach her things!
Me: (Darn pissed off tone already) But that is very unfair to me, right? I am already serving my 3 months here leh.
Her: (still insistent) She is coming on the 13. Then you can have a whole week with her. HR got it wrong. I am going to call them and check.
Me: They told me it is 16 Nov.
Her: No, it is not. I am going to scold them. I check and let you know.

Well, I never promised her that I would stay till 17 Nov. I only told her that I got to check on my schedule. Oh, did I say that her attitude was so bad? I was darn pissed with that. It is her privilege if I stayed a day longer, not my obligation. I am serving my THREE months here, not any shorter! I got no more obligations to ensure that my duties are properly handed over by then. Not to mention that she attempted to threaten me with company policy. That is the last straw for me! I am not new here - I know how it works. I am not dumb either - I could jolly well leave at this very instance and pay back the remaining days that I am supposed to be in this company. There is no loss for me. And I am the only one who knows what to do in my role. No one else does. I am the one with the bargaining power, not her.

Subsequently, she came over to my desk and talked about it pretty loudly in the open. I only gave her a " so-what" and " I-do-not-care-more" attitude. Think she saw my face and attitude to realise that I am darn pissed, and that I would not give in to her threats. As such, she changed to a nicer tone, and tried talking to me in a more reasonable tone. In the end, I am only extending one more day to 15 Nov. Bottom line, any attempt to threaten me and you will get it from me. If you need a favour, ask, not demand. Respect is meant to be earned, not given.

With all these, I also got a feedback with regards to my impatience. Said that it deterred him from asking and telling me things. What am I supposed to say to that? Upon reflection, when things are going the other way for me, I know I get more impatient and short tempered than I usually am. That I am in the wrong. Perhaps I am letting that getting out of hand recently. Perhaps there are too many things on my mind. Yet, there is no excuse for my temper and impatience. I am not the only one who may be having a bad day. As such, I gotta to be sensitive enough to other people too. I wun like it too if I know the other party is impatient with me...

Yet, when the other person is pointing fingers at me, is that fair? I do not know and do not wish to think about it. Giving it a careful thought now, I realise that communication breakdown is one thing that I am fearful of. Communication breakdown has been the main contributing factor to my breaks in relationships with people. Once that goes wrong, everything else will go wrong...

Anyway, let me sit on it and give it a further thought...

Today...

I finally went to see the company doc today for my gastritis, which has been bothering me for a week already. Need to see him for my badly inflammed throat, so might as well get him to take a look at my gastric problems too. Not too bad, isn't it? I get to kill 2 birds with one stone! Save my time and effort. :P

Accordingly to him, gastritis, which is a mild inflammation of the stomach lining, may last for as long as 2 weeks! So it is usual for me to have all the gastric symptoms for a week. He asked me to stop my Cimetidine. Instead I was given Zantac and Motilim. Let's hope these medicine work better for me… Not forgetting my poor inflammed throat that is getting so painful. Please get well quickly too, so that I can eat all that I want!

Going to bunk in with my long time friend today and tomorrow. Her parents are overseas till next Thu and she refuses to be alone in the whole house, thus has requested for my company.

Knew this great friend since I was Primary 4! Amazing, right? The best part was we only got closer to each other after we left Primary School! It all began when we started playing badminton together regularly in the open-air court near our blocks. From there on, our friendship just grows and blossoms.

We 2 actually seldom get together. In fact, being busy in our own lives, we rarely even keep in contact to know what’s up in the other person’s life. The longest break was in fact about 2 years. It was only a few months back that we managed to meet up for lunch. Yet, whenever we meet up, the distance is never felt. I know I still can tell her anything; I know she will listen and understand; I know she will be there for me anytime I need her... This is the kind of friendship we have established over these long years.

Do not know what I will do in her house. But well, who cares? Just enjoy lor, and sleep of course! Hahaha…

The Power of Time

Can time gauge the depth of your relationship with another person?
Do you have an unexplained bonding with someone you just knew, as if you have known each other for the past decades?
Yet you cannot fathom the heart of the one whom has been sleeping next to you for as long as you can remember?

Can time heal the pain, bring the sun and dry the rain?
Is a hurt as intense as before?

Or has it faded with time?
Are you as bitter as you used to be?

Or have you forgiven and uncaged yourself?
Have you drawn a lesson from it and be better the next time?

Can time erase the memories?
Can you recollect what you did an hour ago or a week ago?
Yet do you find yourself reminiscing the beautiful moments you had shared with someone many years back?
Captured moments are always a part of us even though we may not remember?

Can time change a relationship of any kind?
The only constant in this world is changes?

Yet have you made the change better or worse?
How have you contributed to it - active or passive, a giver or a taker?
Have you wanted it bad enough to rough through it all and make it work out?

Can time change your choices?
What you wanted yesterday may not be what you want today or tomorrow?
What do you want at this point in time?
When was the last time you sit down and think about and for yourself?
Do you recall when was it that you realign your visions with your inner self?

Yet one thing is for sure
Time passed can never be recaptured
Moments lost can never be recreated
The experience of being fully alive is an experience itself

Ironical as it may sound, part of the enjoyment in life is the journey of struggles towards what you want

Experience life to the fullest today for tomorrow may not come

Carpe Diem...