"You didn't love her"

I like what I read on a FB post:

You didn't love her.

You just didn't want to be alone.
Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego.
Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life,
but you didn't love her.
Because you don't destory people you love.

~Grey's Anatomy~

"Not all people are like you"

Yes, I think I do dislike it now when people said this to me "not all people are like you"....

The underlying meanings of that sentence simply read " Do you think people are like you? They do not react like you. They are not as XXXX as you are. Even if it is ok with you, it doesn't mean it is ok for them. Even if you can do it, this doesn't mean they can do it."

With this, it closes off all conversations that need to follow thereafter. There is no space for me to share whatever anymore. As I am "not the same" like the rest of the people, I do not act or react the same way, and thus what I have to say can be discounted.

Aren't we all human beings, aren't we same yet different from one another in one sense or another huh?

If I have made something sound easy or like it's of no big deal, it doesn't mean it is as such. I may sound like it is ok, but it doesn't mean I was ok in the midst of things. Also, what you may hear or see is the ultimate end product, not necessarily the process or journey of how I have gotten there. Do not brush me off simply like that, because you may not know how hard I have struggled to be where I am or to be in the space with a certain level of understanding today. You do not know the pain, the tears, the struggles that nearly tore me apart when something "major" happens. All learning and growth comes with experiencing, and more often than not, they are painful.

As much as I am result focused, it doesn't mean I do not have feelings, evaluation or assessments. If not, I would have not swung to the dark side many a times, where I nearly get consumed and engulfed completely. Sometimes people made it sound like it is a total fault to be or to look "strong", to walk out of the bottom looking ok.

And I am tired. I am tired, trying to support some people. It makes me feel like I am inadequate, that I have failed to make people see. My enrolment pillar must have failed terribly because I cannot align someone else's vision with mine. Many a times, I have put my heart out there on the line to see how I can be of a support, and it is very frustrating and disheartening when I cannot get people to see what I can see. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't work. It drains out my energy totally, as I may be here very concerned and worried, and have him or her in mind constantly thinking what's next. Yet, this is only one-sided affair. It must be true that something is very wrong when I am more anxious than the person himself or herself.

I dislike sitting on the fence most of the times cos it means one just do not want to make a stand. I dislike it when what I said are brushed aside simply because I read it as what I say do not matter. I dislike it when one pretends like nothing has happened, because it is obviously not true. If it doesn't matter to me, I would not have raised it up in the first place. Moreover, sometimes it is not about me at all, but you and you only. When I do not pursue profusely or I do hold back, it is because I do not want to be thought as a spoilt nuisance and be overwhelming. Also, I think I do not have the "permission" to- overstep that line, and it spells trouble and more trouble for me. Other than possible arguments (which these are totally fine with me as it may mean clarity thereafter), it can mean they may either ignore me for a long time, walk out of me, or pretend the event never did happen and do not speak about it again. Seriously, is support just about letting the person hear what he wants to hear, do what he wants to do or indulge in his own bullshit?

I remember my contract very clearly. My memory is too good to erase or forget about it for it speaks about who I am.Yet, opening up this space makes me feel very vulnerable. It opens up space for hurt and questioning of my (in)adequacy. This is especially so recently as it has all been stirred up. I know clearly sometimes that it is not about me, but a matter of their own choices. Yet, as much as I try to control how I feel, those negative feelings seep in somewhat somehow like a slow poison.

One thing I do know and hopefully it is true, is that I should be able to handle these feelings much better now than before. I just need some time to iron out all with myself again. I am also aware that from a responsible point of view, I need to rethink who I need to be and show up differently, to take different actions such that it may lead to different results. Just that patience is not my greatest forte still, so what if I do give up (on something or someone) before I reach the end point of this seemingly endless journey? I seldom give up, but if I really do, it may be irreversible.

I am equally aware that sometimes I just need to surrender and let it be. Fighting against it, resisting it, or attempting to influence/change in a wrong space would not lead me anywhere. Anything outside my control and influence are literally not within my control.

Alright, it all happens for a reason. I do know. I will, given some time, work it all out again...with my heart...

Choices

I choose...
to live by choice, not by chance;
to make changes, not excuses;
to be motivated, not manipulated;
to be useful, not used;
to excel, not compete.
I choose self-esteem, not self pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others.

《金玉良言》

This is my favourite song for quite a while. Like it the first instance for the tune, then the lyrics.

The MV isn't that well done in my point of view for I do not like the storyline featured in it, but the song itself is definitely well sung. 很赞的一首歌，意境丰富if you let your imagination run with the song.




在书店翻阅了一整天
在咖啡店和朋友聊了一整夜
文字语言占满心中 每一寸空间
就是填不满 你的缺

那么多的道理在规劝
遗忘的方法似乎随处都可见
爱情是否历久弥坚 也像推销员
好过不好过 还得自己发现

说思念 太丢脸 说明天 太冒险
除非我们还有机会破镜重圆
想再约 太随便 痛言犹 在耳边
再见 是最好的 金玉良言

那么多的道理在规劝
遗忘的方法似乎随处都可见
爱情是否历久弥坚 也像推销员
好过不好过 还得自己发现

说思念 太丢脸 说明天 太冒险
除非我们还有机会破镜重圆
想再约 太随便 痛言犹 在耳边
再见 是最好的 金玉良言

说天气 没重点 说昨天 太狂野
除非我们的事已经事过境迁
想问你 的一切 还是停 在嘴边
再见 是最短的 金玉良言

我们 最好还是别再 再见

Running...yet again..

I love this article that I read in the Saturday papers on running. It is a piece so apt really. Let the extract from the article itself does the talking:

The camera’s eye
Does not lie
But it cannot show
The life within
The Life of a runner (Excerpt from “Runner” by W.H Auden)

..Running, after all, is an activity that comes free and allows you to feel free. It is the easiest of sports and equally the most available. It has no need for rivals as in football, it does not depend on a specific arena with marked lines like tennis, it is not hostage like golf to weather….

Running is also a sport at its most deeply profound where even on the busy road the athlete can discover his personal space...

Here, you exit the house, you can turn left, or right, run up, run down, literally and metaphorically make your own journey. Here, you make your own pace, you challenge no one but yourself, you have room to contemplate unlike football or tennis where the brain is tuned to tactics and quick responses…

The lure of running is that every man can chase his own cause…

To the outsider who sees no wisdom in solitude, no virtue in the mind’s ability to suppress a litany of aches, no attraction in the idea of man against himself, a clock, a road and a dream, running can seem boring. Yet as a sport, it is alive with theories, with gadgets, with personal preferences...

So enough now, stop reading, go on then. Find the shoe that fits. Choose your music. Strap on a Fuel Belt. Plan your run. Set the alarm. Join the tribe. Look out into the distance at dawn and breathe. Listen and you will hear the quiet call of the road. Then put a foot forward, run, eat up the cement, fly. And let the words of the runner John Bingham drive you:

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”

Run Dolly Run...

Ideally I would like to end 2011 with a run (which I did when this was eventually posted).

Yes, I have finally started to run again, after almost a 2 year break. Getting started is difficult; finding time for it is even worse. To make sure that I will make conscious effort to find time to run more regularly, I have made myself sign up for a half marathon happening this May. The initial conversation was doing a half marathon in this Dec, then it was shifted to Aug and eventually to May. So much about intention and more time doesn't mean better huh? LOL.

Why I would like to end 2011 with a run? It is simple – it grounds me. I always feel running is very closely related to the journey of life, and it is a sports full of learning for me at all times, in terms of understanding myself better and how best I could improve such that I get better at doing it. I have stated a lot of times that I am not built for running and I can never excel in it. But it is precisely this reasons that I kept running - I shouldn't give up just because I think I am not going to be good at it.

Running to me, just like life, is a journey full of sweat, pain and possibly tears, and sometime the end is nowhere in sight. However, the key is to keep going, focusing on the end point, and have each other (i.e. my running partner and life partner) to motivate when the going gets tough. When I think I have consumed all the possible energy in me during crunch time, I always still manage to find another burst of renewed energy to keep going thereafter. Though we may bitch about the toughness, the satisfaction lies in crossing the finishing line that we have set for ourselves. Not to mention the endorphins thereafter (+ the aching actually! Ha.).

I would certainly would like to do more runs in the new year. It is an avenue for stress release to me, and this translates to a healthier me both mentally and physically possibly.

Happy 2012, folks! Have a great year ahead!

Something I meant to post for a long time

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

It is our light,
Not our darkness,
That most frightens us

Your playing small does not serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you

We are all meant to shine as children do
It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone

And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other people to do the same

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others"

Coach Carter Movie

只有一句。。。

“感动过的痕迹 很难割舍”

Barney ...

Barney & Friends has become my "favourite" show in these recent months. In fact, this is the only show that I watch day in and day out now on my TV, so much so that I could even remember the dialogues and songs for many parts! And I have more than 10 over Barney DVDs in my collection, and you bet that is not quite enough... to satisfy my little monster. >_<

Below is an extract of one episode... a song that sings out loud to me...

A post finally....

I have not done any blogging for a million years and I am sure no one is reading it now, which I am jolly well ok with it. Maybe with that, I could pen down more of my thoughts with ease? LOL..

And I am sure this entry of mine is going to be pretty random in terms of thoughts.

These past few long months (which is coming to a year already) seem eternity at times, yet each day seems to zoom past at a hundred miles per hour. Such paradox again. I wish to have the cake and eat it. Wishful hope. Time is so limited, but I wish I could do more. Life has completely changed for me. What I used to be doing, I no longer do them now.

Sometimes, I wish I am at ECP on a sunday morning, all geared up for my long draggy runs; other times, I dream that I am in the deep blue sea, singing the sea hymns, and dancing with the underwater creatures . When I went through my past blog entries, I saw holiday photos, read about pre and post holiday feelings too... All these seems to be out of my reach totally now. Not because of any other things, but due to the fact that I couldn't just drop everything and go without thinking.

Many a times, I have struggled with myself in the choices I have made due to the circumstances that were presented in front of me. At times, I was at peace and grounded, knowing that I have made conscious choices to be where I am today; other times, my scale was tipped and I was obviously upset and doubtful about why I am doing all these. Questions I have lots... answers I have little... Where is my best? How is that going to look that? Or am I just plain resistant to face certain issues or make some changes?......

Nevertheless, I have scrolled through my previous entries wanting to find the below that I have blogged before. And yes, I finally found it, in my Apr 2007 entry (wow, such ancient time ago!). I think, at this moment in time, for a long time, this is exactly how I have been feeling - the contrast of the conflicting feelings could be so overwhelming at times that I think it could kill me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An extract from the book “How Did I Get Here?” by Barbara DeAngelis

The Real Me

Sometimes I love being with people.

Sometimes I flee from company and can bear only silence.

Sometimes I am sure people see my gifts, my wisdom and my light.

Sometimes I think people have no clue who I really am.

Sometimes I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive

no matter what someone does to me.

Sometimes a line is crossed, and I close the door.

Sometimes I am the ancient goddess with the power of the universe flowing through me.

Sometimes I am an insecure, wounded little girl afraid to make a phone call.

Sometimes I have infinite patience and compassion for everyone’s choices.

Sometimes how people live and behave makes me ill.

Sometimes I see the perfection of the life and purposefulness in everyone and everything.

Sometimes I think the world is just a screwed-up place.

Sometimes I want to serve the planet with every waking breath that I take.

Sometimes I want to cash in my retirement account and go live on a tiny tropical island where I have no responsibilities, no commitments and no purpose other than enjoy each glorious day.

X'mas? What is that?

X’mas is just round the corner. It used to be my favourite festive season… I just like the idea of giving and sharing, for I find joy (and a chore too at times) to find a gift for some people close to me. I also love to indulge in the joyous celebrative mood, cos X’mas signifies the end of a year and a season to chill and relax a little bit more.

However, I do not know what is what anymore now. Days pass by in a mono tone, where today is no different from yesterday and tomorrow is of no surprise from today. I don’t even know what is having a life of my own anymore. I am just tired, very stretched at times…and find little energy to do any other things really. In fact it is a chore for me to find time to do some other things now cos the body is tired and the mind could never be free from the responsibility… not to mention that it takes super lotsa effort and arrangement to make the “some other activities” happen…

What can I do then? I don’t know… for going in circles create no new possibility. Let it be, and just let me be… Maybe that will do.

Thoughts...

I feel that there is nothing that I can do well

Small and big matters

I seem to fail them all

I feel so tiny and inadequate

I did not try hard enough?

My way of being is wrong?

Or simply I am just not good enough?

Some stuff I could never quite understand -

Why do I have it more difficult than others?

Why do I have to fall time and time again?

Why do I always have to take a step back and start all over again when things start to look a little rosier?

Why do I need to pay such a heavy price for certain foolish actions many years back?

I have spent a lot of time with myself some years back and for the past years

To liberate myself, to see the world and happenings with a different pair of goggles;

To seek clarity in my life; to work issues out;

To ground myself, and to move on with life with renewed strength, confidence and reassurance

And I work hard at it – I really do

Yet all it takes is just one thing to crash it all
To erase all my hard work I have done before
And at this point, I seem to be back at square one

I start asking all the whys, questioning so hard again

And there are heaps of things that I would like to do well

But my results simply fall short…

Before one issue can be solved, another bigger issue pops out

All I am capable of doing now is giving problems to my most loved one

Making him worry about me all the times…

And this is making me very sad…

Tell me what I can do… how can I do it better?

I know I need to shift, but can I and how?

Why can’t things just change for the better this once?

This journey seems so tough

And the end point does not seem anywhere in sight

But I need to push myself to cross the ending point victoriously

I have to, isn’t it? There is no return…

Who will be there?

If I am not who you think I am
If I commit a serious mistake
If I stumble and fall heavily
If I am reduced to rag
Who will still walk beside me?
Who will still love me?
Who will still stay rooted for me?
Maybe no one...

Drained...

It's a losing battle I know..
All odds are against me
And it will take a miracle for this to be buried
But I have given it a fight
With all that I can...
I just pray that the outcome will not be disasterous...
And I wish for light at the end of the tunnel...
Bless me hard...

What's next?

I have so much to say
And yet I have nothing to say

For my brain is blank
And my mind is drained
Do not know what and how to say…

All I am asking for is one chance
For all these to pass
To start afresh...
And I will do my best for sure...
Lady luck, can you be with me just this once please?

My hubby - Daniel

I just got my advance birthday pressie yesterday night from Dan. It is a slightly bigger than 1 carat diamond ring. It was a pleasant surprise when I opened up the small box he put beside my pillow.

He had been asking me what I would like to have for my birthday, but I told him that there is nothing that I really want for now, since I am going to be at home for the next few months. And I told him that we shouldn’t be spending money on unnecessary stuff since we have an extra mouth to feed now.

But as usual, he went ahead to get me such an expensive birthday pressie!

Yet looking within, I know it is not the cost of the gift - it is his expression of his love for me. He just wants to buy something for me that I would love and be happy with. Dan is someone whom can be so stingy on himself, yet ever so generous on me.

I want to dedicate this post to him, for I am one fortunate woman to have him around in my life. For the past ten years, he has always been there to root for me firmly, riding through all the ups and downs with me. His unwavering support and gentle love has allowed me to continue my journey in life with renewed strength and will indeed. Though I must admit that there were times back then that I questioned about us, I am glad that I stay on to our relationship and rough through them. If not, I would not be where I am today!

********************************************************************************

Dan,

When I am fearful and bewildered, you are my courage and lighthouse.

When I am overwhelmed with tasks to complete, you are always my old mighty octopus.

When I am sad, you are my clown.When I am in doubts, your soft yet assuring words are my pillars.

When I am to give up, your intense encouragement pushes me on.

Most of it all, you had and have loved me totally and unconditionally.

For all these privileges, I appreciate and cherish deeply.

Like I always said, I could not imagine my life without you now.

Want to let you know that I love you, for the person you are and for all you have given me.

Hope that our love will be like all the diamonds you have given me – everlasting and sparkling always.